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What To Do When Children Are in Danger at the Zoo or Restaurant

Screen Shot 2016-05-31 at 11.43.03 AMBy now, we have all heard about the tragic incident at the Cincinnati Zoo that resulted in a 17-year-old, 400-pound silverback gorilla named Harambe being shot and killed after a 4-year-old boy fell into the enclosure and was at extreme risk. Zoo officials decided, that for the safety of the child, the gorilla had to be taken down immediately, explaining that a tranquilizer gun could have agitated the gorilla more and harmed the little boy. There are plenty of critics out there who question whether it was the right decision to kill the animal. There are also critics who blame the mother for not keeping a more watchful eye on her child, allowing him to crawl through a barrier, past some bushes and over the edge of a moat, falling 15 feet. Whose fault is this and who deserved to be punished? The gorilla, obviously. He was a monster.

Surely, killing an endangered animal was not an easy decision for zoo officials, but we are talking about a child here, people. A child who, for whatever reason, ended up someplace he should not be and was in danger. For the safety of that child, the animal clearly needed to be shot dead in its tracks. I propose that from now on, when a child is in any dangerous situation because perhaps the parent failed to pay attention for just a couple of minutes, that anything and everything should be done to make that child’s safety the number one priority. And I’m not only talking about zoos, either.

Many times when I am at work, I have watched children wander away from their table and their parents and end up someplace they shouldn’t be. Maybe they are in the middle of the dining room in a heavy traffic area where severs are whisking past with heavy trays of food, high overhead. One false step and that tray of food can come crashing down on that toddler. I have seen children stand directly in front of the swinging door to the kitchen; that same door that we furiously kick open when we are barreling out of the kitchen, in a hurry to serve a piece of apple cobbler to the woman at Table12 who had earlier said she was unable to eat gluten. If that child happened to be standing there at the wrong time, that door would pummel him into the wall, leaving him with a concussion, a broken bone or, at the very least, a bruised ego. It might also leave a stain on the wall that the server would have to clean up. So what should happen the next time a child has unknowingly wound up putting himself in danger in a restaurant because he took advantage of the thirty seconds his mom wasn’t paying attention?

We should shoot the server. Yes, for the safety of the child, restaurant workers should be killed immediately.

Do not bother with a tranquilizer dart, because if a dart hits me, I will not fall to the ground right away. I will first say, “What the fuck? Who the fuck just shot me with a goddamn tranquilizer dart, bitches?” I will be angry and anyone around me will risk the wrath that comes from a bitchy server who has just been shot with a tranquilizer gun. Before the drowsiness overtakes me, I will kick and scream and, in my fit of anger, I may accidentally pick up a fork and poke a 4-year-old in the arm. For the safety of the child, simply grab the nearest rifle and shoot me between the eyes. Once I have fallen to the ground, my life’s blood oozing from my body, only then will it be time to do two things:

  1. Have the parent grab the child and tell him “I told you to stay close to me! No dessert for you!”
  2. Ask the dishwasher to drag me to the basement and put me in the garbage area until trash night and then have him mop that shit up.

The whole Cincinnati Zoo event is a tragedy and maybe it was unavoidable. Maybe that 4-year-old little boy has the reflexes of a cat and the stealth of a ninja and his mother looked away for only half a second when he flew into the gorilla enclosure. Others will blame the zoo for not having a better system to keep people out of the enclosures, but if someone really wants to do something they can. A car alarm doesn’t necessarily keep a car from being stolen, does it? Maybe the only way this could have been avoided was for the mother to have a leash on her child so that when she does look away for a few seconds, her stealthy, cat-like, ninja, 4-year-old boy won’t be able to jump into a gorilla pen and create the need for the animal to be shot.

Here’s What Your Server is Really Thinking When You Tell Him It’s Your Birthday

enhanced-buzz-7434-1329164505-58Have you ever gone into a restaurant on your birthday and expected special treatment? Maybe you thought the red carpet should be rolled out for you and the owner should come directly to your table and give you head. At the very least, you might have thought that every person who works there, from your server to the bus boy to the dishwasher to the little old lady who sits in the back and makes the guacamole, should drop what they’re doing and come out and sing the happy birthday song to you. A lot of times, that is what will happen. Not because anyone gives a shit about the day your mom pushed an 8-pound ball of human out of her sweet potato pie hole, but because your server begged everyone to do it in the hopes that he will be rewarded with a decent tip. But this is what your server is really thinking when he hears those six dreaded words “can you sing for my birthday?”

Fuck me. Fuck me with a dirty spatula right now. I do not fucking have time for this. Table 12 is waving me down wondering why there food isn’t ready, Table 15 is swimming in dirty dishes because the bus boy has apparently been swallowed into a black hole of apathy and I have needed to pee for half an hour. But sure, I’ll sing happy birthday to you because out of everything you want for your birthday, on the top of the list must be having a group of random strangers sing off key for you. Yeah, that’s gonna make your day so much more special. And I suppose you want me to ask the manager to comp you a free dessert and then you’re going to want me to find a candle. Where the hell are the candles anyway? Why can’ t I ever find those fuckers? Maybe I can just hold my lighter over it and you can blow that out instead. Everyone is so busy right now and no one is going to want to be a birthday singer. Well, everyone except that new girl who thinks it’s fun to sing to her tables. God, that chick is a trip. I saw her yesterday tying the shoes of some kid at her table. It’s like she cares or something. What a bitch. Anyhoo, why can’t your friends sing happy birthday to you? They’ve been loud and annoying all night anyway so why can’t they just redirect some of that energy into singing a song for your birthday? And are you that desperate for attention that you want the everyone in this dump to know that today is your birthday? Bitch, just open up your Facebook page and get your attention fix there, no one has time for this shot. But, okay. I am going to go the kitchen and beg people to come sing to you and if I do it you’d better cough up some extra fucking tip, because this is some above the call of duty shit right here. Happy fucking birthday, my ass.

But here is what the server will actually say:

Oh, my gosh, it’s your birthday? That’s wonderful! Absolutely, we will sing to you. Just give me a few minutes! Happy birthday!!

Full disclosure: today is my birthday and I will be going to a restaurant tonight. I will NOT ask anyone to sing to me because I know how annoying it is. I also have the Bennigan’s birthday song permanently engrained into my brain and it will never, ever go away.

An Open Letter to The Pet Rabbit This Leftover Salad Must Have Been For

indexDear Pet Rabbit,

I hope you enjoyed the leftover baby arugula salad that your owner brought home for you tonight. Well, I guess I am assuming that he brought home that leftover baby arugula for you, his pet rabbit, because what other fucking reason could there possibly be for having me wrap up such a ridiculous portion of leftover baby arugula salad?

When he asked me to wrap it up, I must admit that I thought he was joking. After all, a salad that has already been dressed isn’t really the best thing to save for later. No one is ever sitting at home the next day while watching The Real Housewives and thinks, “Gosh, I’m hungry. You know what would be just perfect right now? Two bites of soggy ass, leftover, wilted baby arugula salad!” That’s when I realized he must have a pet rabbit at home who will be enjoying this salad.

Listen Pet Rabbit. I’m not surprised that you would enjoy the arugula and pears that come with this salad, but I am taken aback that you would want to eat blue cheese. Do all rabbits like blue cheese or just the rabbits who are owned by cheap men who only feed their pets leftovers? And did you like the vinaigrette dressing on it? I hope it wasn’t too tangy for your sensitive little rabbit belly. You are probably fine with it though since you are used to eating whatever your owner will bring home for you. What did you have for dinner yesterday, pizza crusts or the stump of a muffin? Or maybe you had a sprig of parsley that was the garnish on his plate of steak. Or maybe you got to eat the piece of gristle from that steak that he spit out out of his mouth. Or perhaps you enjoyed the skin that he didn’t want from his baked potato. You are one lucky rabbit, Pet Rabbit.

By the way, do you know another rabbit from a few years ago who had to eat leftover scrambled eggs one day? You see, when I was serving breakfast at the Marriott once, a woman had one teeny, tiny bite of scrambled egg left on her plate and she asked me to wrap it to go. Then, like now, I assumed that the one bite of food was for a hungry pet at home.

The next time your owner comes in, I will make sure to take note of what he orders since I now know that he will be taking his leftovers to feed you. Do you have any requests, Pet Rabbit? Maybe the dressing on the side would be good? Sometimes we have a carrot soup that I bet you would enjoy. It does have ginger in it, but whatever. You’re just a pet rabbit so who cares, right? I can try to save a teaspoon of it for you if you’d like.

Good luck, Pet Rabbit. I hope you got more food for dinner than just this leftover baby arugula salad. You deserve it. And remember this, silly rabbit: Trix are for kids and two bites of leftover baby arugula salad is for the garbage.

Mustard and mayo,
The Bitchy Waiter

This is NOT a Good Reason for a 1-Star Review

Screen Shot 2016-05-17 at 5.05.55 PMEvery once in a while, I go to Yelp and read some reviews so I can remind myself that humanity can be rather dreadful. So many people look at Yelp as their own personal toilet and they think of their reviews as little tiny turds that get dropped into it. Turd in point is this review for a restaurant called Postino Highland in Scottsdale, Arizona. Shitter-extraordinaire is Jason D. who gave the restaurant a 1-star review because they wouldn’t let him in before they were open.

Walked up to doors that were wide open and was turned away because they don’t open for 20 minutes. It was a crew of unappreciative Millennial’s that were complaining as soon as we walked up! I will never go there again. And will spread the word of the anti customer atmosphere!  My generation would have sat you down and pour some water.

Jason, please calm the fuck down and stop acting like you are of a generation that had to use wood-burning stoves for heat and candlelight to study. A millennial is someone born between 1980 and 2000. Chances are, you are a fucking millennial yourself. (And by the way, the plural of millennial is “millennials” is not “Millennial’s”.) If, by chance, you were born in the ‘70‘s, you can consider yourself Generation X, but it’s not like you are that much older than a lot of the so-called millennials you speak of. Perhaps you are much older than your Yelp profile would suggest and you are, in fact, an old man, but that doesn’t mean you can get mad at a restaurant for adhering to their posted business hours. If they say they are opening at 11:00 and you roll your horse and buggy up at 10:40, you gotta sit there and yell at the clouds for twenty minutes, old man. 91sn32QFace it, dude, they’re not fucking open. Maybe the doors were open because they had just mopped the floors and wanted the smell of bleach to clear from the air. Everyone knows that mixing bleach and ammonia together can create toxic fumes. My guess is that they did not want to take a chance that your ammonia-smelling douchebag stench would waft in and mix with the lingering scent of bleach and make people pass out. So really, it was a safety precaution.

Bottom line is they weren’t fucking open yet. They may have still been doing their opening sidework and no one had time to sit you down and pour you some water. Maybe they were still been eating their breakfast (lunch servers commonly eat breakfast at 10:45…), rolling silverware, polishing glasses or perhaps they were just enjoying those last few minutes before customers come in and ruin everything. Just because the door was open doesn’t mean you can ignore the posted hours. And maybe they were complaining when you walked up, but I can pretty much tell you what they were complaining about: you!

“Oh, look everyone, this guy is walking toward the front doors and ignoring the “closed” sign. Does he think he’s gonna come in early? Fuck that, I’m still eating my egg and cheese on a roll. Besides, he smells like ammonia and the dishwasher just bleached the floor. Danger! Peligroso!”

Jason claims he will never go back to Postino Highland again and I bet you a glass of lemon water that every millennial who works there is happy about it.
I hate when people go to Yelp and give a bad review when they have not even eaten at the restaurant. It’s unfair and reeks of entitlement. And based on Jason’s other reviews, he’s fond of giving single stars. In another review he gives one star because the restaurant closes at 10:00 and he got there at 9:40 and they told him he’d need to order quickly. In another, he complains that it’s too expensive. In another he complains again that the food costs too much. The only 5-star reviews he has given is when he complained about some shoes and the store gave him a new pair and another restaurant that he had previously given one star to, but then changed it to five after they invited him back to try again. (In other words, they probably gave him some free food.)

Whatever, Jason. Quit using Yelp to whine about things. If the majority of your reviews are 1-star, no one takes you seriously anyway.

EDIT: Since this was originally written, the review has been moved to the hidden reviews for the restaurant. Probably because Yelp realized this review was a steaming crock of shit…

These People Are Selling Their Hair As “Free Meal Tokens”

(Photo credit: eBay/jordymo_3)

(Photo credit: eBay/jordymo_3)

(Photo credit: eBay/jordymo_3)

(Photo credit: eBay/jordymo_3)

Hair in the food happens. We don’t plan it and we don’t like for it to happen and, nine times out of ten, it’s the customer’s own hair. No matter who the hair belongs to, the customer always wants to get their food for free because they think that finding hair in the food is more disgusting than the fact that the cook made their burger mere minutes after blatantly ignoring the “employees must wash hands before returning to work” sign after he took a massive dump that was a direct result of the 7-11 breakfast burrito he had on his way to work.

Well, a couple off asshole students named Jord and Lib, are trying to cash in on that idea. I pretty much hate them and it has nothing do with their names sounding like a holistic brand of soap or a defunct sing duo from the ’70’s. They posted an auction on eBay selling his beard hairs and calling them “free meal tokens.” That’s right, he’s selling hair from his beard so that people can take those hairs, place them in into their food at the restaurant and claim that it came from the kitchen, therefore getting a shot at free food.

“Ever had a meal that you wish you didn’t have to pay for?
Ever wanted a meal that you couldn’t afford?
We have the answer! My beard hair provides the ultimate get out clause..
‘Oi waiter! What’s this f***ing hair in my meal?’
‘Oh I am so sorry sir, it doesn’t look like one of ours, I’ll get it sorted for you.’
A short while later after you’ve finished your meal…‘
We are so sorry for the incident sir, we’ve fully refunded your meal and given you a complimentary voucher to come back again if you wish.’ “

And believe it or not, people have bought them. Jord said, “about ten of my hairs are out on the loose already to get a free meal for someone, but I’ve got plenty more to give.”
Who the fuck bought those nasty-ass, hipster beard hairs? Did they not have hair of their own? Are there that many sufferers of alopecia in this world who are so desperate to to try to get a free meal comped at Applebee’s that they will pay the equivalent of $3.63 for some random hair bought on the Internet?
Someone needs to create a portable, do-it-yourself- DNA kit so that the next time someone tries the ol’ “hair in the food” trick, we can whip that DNA machine out of our apron and pull a Maury Povich on their ass: “You claim that this hair in your 4-cheese mac & cheese with honey chicken tenders is not from you and you want your food for free. The DNA results have confirmed that’s a lie!”

Here is the eBay posting if you want to go check out this bullshit for yourself. The listing is expired, but still. What the fuck?

Mother’s Day Brawl Proves It’s the Worst Day of the Year for Servers

Screen Shot 2016-05-19 at 11.56.12 AMForgive me for being a little tardy to the party on this one, but this Mother’s Day story needs to be shared. At a Japanese restaurant in Atlanta, Georgia, a fight broke out when a woman “berated” a bus boy about his smile. When the bus boy said “it’s my job to smile,” that’s when the woman’s brother stood up and punched the busser in the face. Yeah, I don’t get it either. One moment we have a family giving mom a single red rose in appreciation for all she has done and the next thing we know someone is picking up a bus cart and throwing it across the room. Thankfully, there is video.


This is hard core, y’all! Plates are flying, water is thrown, people are screaming and Moms all throughout the restaurant are thinking, “Look at my Baby. I’m so proud of him.” I love this little snippet of video because you can really see how supremely pissed off the guy is who feels like it’s a good idea to toss a bus cart. Clearly, he has been harboring all kinds of anger about something and this was the straw that broke the bus boy’s back. My other favorite part is the guy in the bottom right corner who deflects those trays like Wonder Woman deflects bullets. Devecc Bilingslea, 26, Zacarli Dalcoe, 25, Willis Jumario Hall, 26, and 21-year-old Demonte Harrison were all cited for the knock-down, drag-out awesomeness.

If you look at this video, you can see a little girl in the top right corner who does not mess around when she sees something good is going on. She drops her Pu Pu Platter, grabs her phone and hits record faster than a plate of pork dumplings gets gobbled up by a 15-top of ravenous coyotes.


The owner of the restaurant said that the fight cost him $5,000. Not only was there damage, but plenty of folks left without paying because they didn’t see this as a fight. they saw it as a chance to dine and dash. “Happy Mother’s day, Mom! Now run like hell so we can save $75.”

Every server knows that working on Mother’s day is hell. In fact, if (when?) I go to hell, I completely expect it to be a Mother’s day 365 a year there and I will be the only server working a massive buffet with no bus boy. Now that I think about it, hell will look exactly like this video. 359 more days to Mother’s Day!

If you need a longer look at that drama, here’s another video: