As has long been suspected by restaurant workers for decades, scientists in Roanoke, Virginia have confirmed that some customers who go into restaurants can experience a severe drop in IQ levels, some people losing up to 50 points. The average American has an IQ somewhere between 90 and 110 points. However, when certain people cross the threshold of a restaurant, they can suddenly become incredibly less intelligent. Dr. Baxter Fälschung, lead scientist of Roanoke’s Center for Urban Neurological Testing, along with his team, released the study results this week.
“It’s incredibly surprising that we see such a drastic yet temporary dip in intelligence,” he says. “Even someone who is highly functioning in their everyday world can step into a restaurant and end up coming across as one of the Three Stooges. I can only imagine how difficult this is for servers.” Although Fälschung can not confirm why this happens, he states “it is 100% categorically true. The momentary lapse of intelligence can cause customers to forget how to read a menu or even lose their eye and hand coordination causing them to struggle with forks and knives. This particular effect can result in huge messes and many glasses being knocked over. In some scenarios, a customer can become so severely stupid that it’s practically fucking impossible to even understand it.”
Beatrice Eyecanteven, a waitress for 40 years at a Doug’s Donuts Diner across the street from the Center for Urban Neurological Testing (CUNT), is not surprised with the finding. “I’ve been saying that for for thirty years. People come into the diner and suddenly they can’t tell the difference between their thumb and their asshole. I hope they didn’t spend too much money on that testing because I coulda told them that for free. Now either order another entree or get the hell out of my section.”
Fälschung’s study also confirms that different restaurants create different drops in intelligence levels. “We have found that customers visiting a Waffle House see the biggest IQ drop with Cracker Barrel customers not far behind.” His team hopes to study more restaurants to see if there are any places that increase the IQ level of a customer when they enter it, but he is doubtful. “Science can only explain so much, but it seems as if when customers go into a restaurant, they just get dumb. I feel really sorry for the waiters and waitresses.”
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