Maybe you heard about the Starbucks manager who totally lost it on her customer last week. Thank God for cell phone video, because the whole scene is all kinds of awesome. First off, I had no idea that times were so hard for Rosie Perez that she started picking up shifts at Starbucks. As if being on The View wasn’t bad enough, now she has to take orders for decaf fucking macchiatos all goddamn day. According to news reports, the customer wanted a cookie straw (whatever the hell that is) to go with her Frappuccinno and it all went downhill from there.
Of course we don’t know what went on before someone reached into their pocket for their iPhone and started recording. Since I am always willing to give the benefit of the doubt to the employee rather than the customer, I would like to hypothesize the events that transpired that caused Rosie Perez to flip her lid:
Customer: Ummm, excuse me, but I’m in a really big hurry because I am super important and my needs supersede everyone else here.
Rosie Perez: Yes, miss. What can I get for you? I will do it right away because we here at Starbucks care about all of our customers and want to make them as happy as poss-
Customer: Yeah, anyway. I’m ready to order.
Rosie Perez: What would you like?
Customer: Ummm, I dunno. I kinda want a Caramel Frappuccino but I’m on a diet. How many calories are in that?
Rosie Perez: There are 410 calories in that beverage with 140 of them from fat.
Customer: Oh my God! Are you trying to make me fat? That is horrible. Can you make it with skim milk and leave off the whipped cream and use less caramel? Wait, maybe I want one of those Organic Ginger Limeade drinks.
Rosie Perez: Those are delicious and only have 120 calories and no fat.
Customer: No fat? Okay, I want a little bit of fat. Can you add some caramel and whipped cream to that drink? I’m in a hurry.
Rosie Perez: No, I am sorry. That beverage is bottled and I can’t do that for you.
Customer: Figures that the one thing I want more than anything in the world is something you can’t do for me. Typical. Ummm, okay…lemme see. I just don’t know what I want. Maybe I’ll just get a decaf iced coffee with caramel, but can you blend that and then add whipped cream to it? And also, I’m in a huge hurry. I’m very important.
Rosie Perez: Well, if I do that for you, it would basically be the Caramel Frappuccino and you said you didn’t want that because of the calories. Is that what you’d like?
Customer: Excuse me, but did you just give me attitude?
Rosie Perez: No, miss, not at all. I am trying to help you make a decision. Maybe you would like to take another minute to think about it and I can help one of the people who are behind you?
Customer: No, I know what I want. I want a bottled water but can I get it with the cookie straw that comes with the Caramel Frappuccino? And can you dip the cookie straw into the caramel and then put some whipped cream on it? And I also want a cranberry orange scone, hold the cranberries and oranges and substitute caramel and whipped cream. And I’m in a hurry.
Rosie Perez: I’m sorry, I don’t think I can do that.
Customer: You know what then? Just give me the goddamn cookie straw. You people can’t do anything here. I don’t know why I keep coming back here every day?
Rosie Perez: Yes, ma’am, absolutely. Here is your cookie straw. That’ll be $1.39.
Customer: What??? I have to pay for the cookie straw? It comes with the Caramel Frappuccino.
Rosie Perez: Well, it does, but you aren’t buying the Caramel Frappuccino, so I have to charge you for the cookie straw. $1.39.
Customer: This is bullshit. There is no way this cookie straw is worth $1.39. I will take this goddamn cookie straw and shove it up your ass, do you hear me? I am the customer. I am always right. And I am in a huge hurry because I am so important!
At this point, this is when someone begins filming the incident and we all know what happened next. There are two sides to every story, people. And I choose to believe that my (totally made up) version of the story is exactly right.