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Super Rich and Super Famous Person Stiffs Their Server

Cheap or forgetful? You decide.

Cheap or forgetful? You decide.

It seems that another rich celebrity has done his part to make sure that he stays rich by not giving a tip to his server. According to the well-respected news organization TMZ, fighter Floyd Mayweather earned $32 million dollars in Las Vegas on Saturday when he got into a boxing ring and repeatedly hit a man named Marcos Maidana. The fight lasted 36 minutes which means that Floyd made $14,814.82 per second. The day after his big win, he did what most of want to do after we beat the shit out of somebody: he went to the Hard Rock Cafe to celebrate with 150 of his closest friends. He ordered lots of overpriced shit and lived it up, because he’s rich as fuck:

5 bottles of Patron – $2,375
3 Grey Goose  - $1,425
6 bottles of Ciroc – $2,850
20 bottles of Luc Belaire Rose champagne – $11,500
1  6-liter bottle of Luc Belaire Rose - $6,500
200 chicken wings – $600
1 fruit platter – $55

TOTAL BILL:  $25,305

Let’s talk about this. First off, those prices are freaking ridiculous. $475 for each bottle? I just went to my local Liquor Barn last night and got a 1.75 liter bottle of Svedka for $19.99. I am tempted to drag my ass to Vegas and set up a little vodka stand in front of the Hard Rock and sell my Svedka at the rock bottom price of $199. And that really doesn’t seem like enough food and drink for 150 people, am I right? One fucking fruit plate and 200 wings? “Okay everybody, you each get one chicken wing. I repeat, ONE CHICKEN WING. The other fifty are for me. Do not let me catch you eating two wings or I will beat your ass for thirty seconds and you will owe me $444,444 dollars, alright?” said Floyd Mayweather. (On a side note, those wings seem like the best bargain of the night at only $3 each.) And don’t get me started on the fruit plate. One damn fruit plate for 150 people? What is the point? And if it’s like every other fucking fruit plate at a party, it had way too much cantaloupe on it and not enough pineapple.

Anyhoo, Hard Rock Cafe decided to comp his bill since rich people always get free shit even though they are the ones who can actually afford to pay for crap. So Floyd was all, “Cool beans, man, I don’t have a bill! Let’s roll on outta here and head over to the Flamingo to see Donny and Marie, what do you say, homies?” And off he went, leaving his waitress a big fat tip of absolutely nothing. C’mon, Floyd! You just pocketed $32 million freaking dollars and then got $25,305 worth of liquor and food (okay, we’ll say $25,250 because you know that fruit plate was not worth $55) and you can’t bother to leave a tip for your waitress? 20% would have only been $5000 or less than 1/3 of a second of your time when you were boxing. Is this how rich people stay rich, by being stingy mother fuckers?

I suppose it is possible that Floyd assumed that the tip was taken care of too, but when you have millions of dollars flowing out of your asshole, how hard is it to leave a little extra just in case the restaurant decided to not tip the waitress for you? Some of us have nickels and dimes under the cushions of our couch, but Floyd Mayweather probably has bricks of gold under his. The waitress is named Nik Nguyen and she is the one who alerted TMZ to this stiff of all stiffs. I’m pretty sure that Hard Rock would have a social media contract regarding sharing details about your famous customers, but Nik seems to not mind risking her job. There are pictures of her at TMZ in a bikini, so she’s probably an aspiring model or actress and thought that the free publicity from the story would be worth risking her job over. Who knows, maybe she can parlay a deal to be on The Bachelor or Big Brother.

Floyd, if you hear about this, do the right thing and get your ass back to Hard Rock and tip your server. I choose to believe that it was an honest mistake and you didn’t mean to leave without giving a tip. Of course I only say that because I know that if I say you intentionally were a cheap fuck, you will have your people track me down so you can beat the crap out of me. If you do that, just know, I’m ten years older than you and you should respect your elders. You should also respect your servers.

The One Thing To Remember While Serving Brunch

I got your mimosa right here.

I got your mimosa right here.

Very quickly, I just wanted to remind everyone of the one thing they should always remember while serving brunch. No matter how busy you might get or how annoying your customers may be, please make sure that you always keep this thought in your mind. I guarantee that it will make your day so so much better. Happy serving.

 

 


 

Olive Garden Has Crap Breadsticks? Someone Begs To Differ!

I'm so freakin' excited!

I’m so freakin’ excited!

Hey everybody, it’s Doreen the Pasta Queen! Bitchy Waiter has asked me again to write because Olive Garden has popped up in the news and he considers me the expert on all things Olive Garden. I don’t know why he keeps asking me to write for him, but I’m happy to do it. Let’s be honest; Bitchy Waiter has been a little lacking in the posts lately, so if he needs me to help him out, I’m more than happy to do it.

First, off, only nine days until the Never-Ending Pasta Pass, otherwise known as “49 Days of Heaven,” begins and I have shared my countdown clock with you so you can all bookmark it and count the seconds with me.

 

 

So OG is in the news because some fancy-schmancy shareholder of the company wrote a 294 page report on how they think things can be better at Olive Garden and I have one thing to say: whatever! I didn’t read all 294 pages of the report because quite honestly, I have been trying to catch up on my Netflix viewing before Gilmore Girls is released. The main points that I feel should be responded to are the ones below:

  1. “Too many breadsticks.” Ummm, no. There is no such thing as “too many breadsticks.” This guy is saying that they use 700 million breadsticks a years and that too many of them go to waste. Hello, it’s called “unlimited breadsticks” for a reason. He also suggests that they change the recipe. This would be the most awful thing ever to happen in America. They are perfect the way they are and if I want to ask for more, I will. And if I want to put a few in my purse, I will do that too, because those breadsticks are even better the next day if you wrap them in a damp paper towel and put them in the microwave for about ten seconds. One time, I took twenty home with me and I made an Olive Garden Bread (stick) Pudding with them. It was delicious and my cat really seemed to enjoy it very much. This report is suggesting that each customer gets only one breadstick and then one extra for the table. What are we supposed to do, share that last breadstick? It’s ridiculous. They say they will bring us more when we ask for them, but unlimited means that I don’t have to ask! The waitress should supply me with an endless amount of breadsticks and I eat as many as I want. I AM PAYING FOR THEM! If I choose to not eat them that is my prerogative.
  2. “The pasta is over-cooked and needs salt.” Their pasta is perfect. I hate when someone tries to convince me that pasta al dente is the way it should be served. I don’t speak Italian, but “al dente” must mean “raw” because that’s what it tastes like. It’s chewy and awful and I like my pasta just the way OG serves it: soft and mushy so that it gets stuck in my teeth and I can eat it with a straw. Serving undercooked pasta is just as bad as serving a Pop Tart without it going into the toaster first: RAW!
  3. “The to-go containers are too expensive.” That is one of my favorite things about getting my all-you-can-eat pasta to go. I know that it will be in that gorgeous container that is dishwasher safe and I can reuse it. I have a whole set of it at home and whenever I get too much, I just put some of it on Craigslist and I’m always able to sell it. They are so fancy and nice. I would be very sad if they started using regular Styrofoam. Who do they think they are, some low-class restaurant like Friendly’s? Yes, those containers might cost a lot for the company, but we the customers are spending a lot on the food and deserve those heavy duty containers. If they change them, I will just have to start using my own Tupperware.
  4. “Too much salad dressing.” The report says that servers are bring too much dressing because they are too lazy to possibly make a second trip. While, I disagree that there is too much dressing on the salad, I do agree that the servers are lazy. Personally, I like a lot of salad dressing on my salad because it helps to disguise the taste of the lettuce and vegetables. I only eat the salad because I know it’s good for me, but I have never had to ask for seconds on it. I have found that one small bowl of salad nicely balances the three or four bowls of pasta and the unlimited breadsticks. If they are concerned about the cost of too much dressing, maybe they should pay their servers less and save money that way. The customer should not lose out on Ranch.

I want to say thank you to all of my fans out there and to Bitchy Waiter for letting me do his job for him on this blog. I have already asked him if he will let me write about my first day at Olive Garden when I use my Pasta Pass. He told me that he will probably let me, but he is still thinking about it. I also want to let you know that I have really listened to your comments about not tipping the waitress when I use my Pasta Pass. I still do not understand why I should pay her when all she is doing is bringing me three or four bowls of pasta, unlimited breadsticks, one small salad and few Diet Cokes. I already paid $100 for my Pasta Pass and I feel like I have spent a lot of money for them to have the privilege of me eating there. However, I have decided to leave two dollars each time I go. Thank you for teaching me that I was wrong.

 

 

 

Secret Drinker at Table 16

To drink, or not to drink? That is the question.

To drink, or not to drink? That is the question.

I’m not one to judge (yes I am) and I certainly don’t disapprove of anyone choosing to drink or to not drink when they are at a restaurant. As a server, it is my job to bring guests what they ask for. Even if a pregnant woman, who is so far along that her baby’s hand is hanging out of her vagina and grasping at french fries, asks me for a shot of Jägermeister, it is my job to get that drink for her and to not pass judgement. As long as she’s the legal drinking age, she can do whatever she wants. I may feel odd about it or it may feel wrong, but people can make their own decisions about how they drink. Now if her baby were to ask me for a shot of Jägermeister, I would definitely card it. Of course, all I would be able see is the hand poking out of the vagina and I really need to see a face before I can make a call on age. My guess is that the baby isn’t old enough to drink, but I don’t like to make assumptions. I have always looked young for my age, so maybe this lady is a little past her due date and she is carrying around a 21 year old man in her uterus. Of course, that would mean that she is 1092 weeks late and it seems unlikely, but you never know with science these days. Anyway, I don’t like to pass judgment on how people choose to imbibe.

Last week, a woman in my section asked for a Sprite. I diligently went to go get a Sierra Mist and placed it before her. She drank it quickly as I was taking the order for her table. She was there with what appeared to be various family members. I asked her if she wanted another “Sprite” and she said she was fine. After I left the table and went to ring in their order, she followed me up to the bar.

“Hey, sweetie, can I get a vodka/tonic?” she asked.

“Sure,” I replied. “I’ll be right out with it.”

“No. I mean, can I have one now?”

I called out the drink to the bartender who made it right away and I handed it to the woman who drank it in front of me as I continued to ring in their food.

“You can bring me another one when you get a chance, but leave off the lime so you don’t blow my cover. Thanks, sweetie.  And make sure I get the check.”

She went back to her table as I totally did not judge her. And then I started to feel weird about the whole thing. Am I an accomplice to this woman’s secret drinking? I think I am. Should I place a lime on her next vodka/tonic to leave a simple clue to her family who may need to know that she is drinking? What if this woman is on Sudafed and is not supposed to have alcohol? Or what if she is planning to operate heavy machinery? What if her family has just staged an intervention and I am the one who is fucking things up? As I let all of these question wash over me like a sea of Jack Daniels and ginger ale, I rang in her next drink and watched the bartender make it.

As the Absolut went into the glass, making the ice cubes pop and crack, I wondered if this woman was on a quest for sobriety and needed help. As the tonic flowed from the soda gun, I questioned whether or not I should give this lady what she is so desperately wanting, yet hiding from those who love her most. As the bartender placed a lime wheel onto the edge of the glass, I thought about this woman’s family and how much they must love her. As I reached over to remove the lime, the one clue that would alert anyone at her table that she may be doing something she shouldn’t, I thought, “Who the fuck cares? Not my problem.”

I carried the drink over to the table.

“And one delicious and refreshing Sprite for you, ma’am.” She looked at me and I gave her a very subtle wink which she returned with a  confused look, like she thought I was flirting with her or something. “I just love Sprite, don’t you? Or 7-Up. Or Sierra Mist. They’re all great, aren’t they?”

“Yeah, thanks,” she said.

I walked away from the woman knowing that she was old enough to make her own decisions. It’s not like she had a baby’s hand hanging out of her vagina asking for a shot of Jägermeister or anything.

Bottoms up, lady, bottoms up.

Never-Ending Pasta Pass Lover Responds to Criticism

So many of you had a such a reaction to Doreen’s post yesterday about the Never-Ending Pasta Pass that I have asked her to respond. Thank you, Doreen! You are truly something.  -BW

Hey, everybody, it’s me, Doreen again. I’m the one who wrote yesterday’s post about how excited I am for the Never-Ending Pasta Pass and I must say that so many of you are rude with a capitol R.

rude

rude

I was so happy when Bitchy Waiter reached out to me to write about it, but I did not expect the negative feedback. I can’t help it if I love Olive Garden. If they are going to practically give away their pasta for free, I am going to take advantage of it. It took me over an hour to get through on their website and even after I added the Pasta Pass to my cart and paid for it, I didn’t get a confirmation email for almost five hours. Those were the longest five hours I have ever spent in my entire life, with the exception of the time the escalator at the mall got stuck halfway up and I just had to stand there until they figured out to turn it on again. I still haven’t gotten my Pasta Pass and, yes, I do hope it’s made of metal and yes I did crochet a holder for it, so for those of you don’t like it, you can just F off, thank you very much.

Yesterday, I saw that a lot of people were putting their Pasta Pass on eBay and getting almost twice as much as they paid for it and I must admit that greed got the best of me and I put mine up for auction as well. Since I didn’t have the card yet, I scanned a picture of my email confirmation for proof that it was on the way. Within a couple of hours, I had seven bids and it was up to $129.99. I felt like a real entrepreneur. I called in sick to work yesterday so I could watch my auction. I figured that Hobby Lobby could do without me for one day and I was already going to make more money on my Pasta Pass than I would for eight hours of work. I have never called in sick before and I felt bad about it because yesterday was the day we had scheduled to rotate the yarn section, but I felt like the eBay auction was more important. By 4:00, the Pasta Pass was up to $175!! Yes, I was going to miss out on all that delicious pasta and maybe not get to see Elliot the manager, but the bidding was intoxicating and I got sucked into it. Then, at about 5:00, I got an email from a woman named Tara Gray who is in charge of all the Olive Gardens.  It said, “We’re working with eBay to notify both buyers and sellers that the Never Ending Pasta Passes are non-transferable and may not be resold. To ensure that everyone who has purchased a pass can enjoy Never Ending Pasta Bowl, we encourage guests who have questions about their pass to contact our Guest Relations team by phone or on social media.” That email took the wind right out of me and I felt like I was on a roller coaster ride of emotion. First I was excited about eating at Olive Garden every day for 49 days and then I was excited about maybe making $100 off of the card instead and then I was devastated to see that I would not be making money after all and I was out of a day at work because of my greed. I canceled the auction and now I am trying to get excited about having the Pasta Pass as all mine again.

It should be here in a couple of days and I will embrace it as mine. I hope that Olive Garden can forgive me for even thinking about selling it to someone else. That was foolish of me and I know that now. This Never-Ending Pasta Pass will change my life for 49 days and when November 9th rolls around and I am eating my last bowl of Alfredo pasta, I will be sad to know that I will not use my card anymore. I will probably save it or frame it and always look back at those days as the most special time of my life. There are only 1,000 of us in the whole entire galaxy who have been honored with this blessing and I was going to throw it away for an extra $79. How foolish of me.

And for those of you who called me a fat ass or a cheap bitch, I don’t care what you think about me. I love my size and my cats love me and that’s all that matters. As far as tipping goes, I still don’t know why I would leave a tip if I don’t even get a bill. Does that even make sense to anyone? Am I the only one around here who has any brains at all? If I order a dessert, I will tip on that, okay? An order of the chocolate mousse cake is about $7.00 and 10% of that would only be seventy cents, but since all of you think I am so effing cheap, I will round it up to a dollar. So get off my back about that. The only think I want on my back is my fat.

Hopefully after I get my Pasta Pass, Bitchy Waiter will let me write again. If not, I understand. This is is his blog, not mine. I might just start my own though and call it “49 Days of Heaven” and it will be about each of my meals at Olive Garden.

Thank you for reading. And to Olive Garden: I love you and I’m sorry I tried to sell my Pasta Pass.

How Desperate is Olive Garden? This Desperate:

Eat it up, bitches.

Eat it up, bitches.

With the news of Olive Garden’s Never-Ending Pasta Pass, I asked a true Olive Garden  fanatic to explain how she feels about the whole thing. Ladies and gentleman, please welcome Doreen to The Bitchy Waiter Blog.   -BW

Hey everyone, my name is Doreen and thank you to the Bitchy Waiter for letting me write today’s post. Oh my God, I am so excited. I love Olive Garden so much and my favorite thing of all time is when the Never-Ending Pasta Bowl starts. Seriously, as soon as I find out the date that it’s going to start, I set a countdown on my smart phone and LITERALLY watch the seconds tick away until I can go down to Olive Garden and cram food into my face until it’s coming out of my ears. I love their food so much, because it tastes just like what my Mom used to make when I was little and she would take Chef Boyardee Ravioli and “spice it up.” Anyways, every night when I go to bed, I pray for Never-Ending Pasta Bowl to start soon, but imagine how excited I was yesterday to see that now they have a Never-Ending Pasta Pass. For real, I am so excited, that I almost just sharted my pants. Okay, I didn’t almost shart them.

Let me explain: for $100, I can buy a pass that will let me eat all the pasta I want every single day from September 22 to November 9. That is 49 glorious days! And not only do I get to eat pasta, I can get all the salad and breadsticks I want plus unlimited Cokes! And get this: if I take any of my friends with me, they get free Cokes too. Did I just die and wake up in Alfredo Sauce Heaven?? I think I did! I think this Pasta Pass is going to be as close as I ever come to making that dream I had a few years ago come true: the one where I was sitting on the toilet and eating Chicken and Shrimp Carbonara while I was pooping. It was like the circle of life; in one end and out the other.

If I go When I go every single day, that will mean that I am only paying $2.04 a meal, but that’s if I just went once a day. I am going to go for lunch and dinner so I will only be paying $1.02 every time I eat! My favorite manager Elliot at the Mechanicsburg, PA location will get to see me every day. (Truth be told, I have a little bit of a crush on him and I would pay way more than $1.02 to have five seconds alone with him in that back booth over by the bathroom! Good God, I wish that Elliot would stuff my chicken marsala.)

I think I will take a friend with me every time I go so she can get a free Coke and then I will just share my pasta with her. She can order a small salad and then just eat off of my plate. What’s the waitress gonna do, police me? And I’m also going to ask for another big serving after my usual three so I can get it in a doggy bag to have for breakfast the next day. Man, Olive Garden is so going to regret giving me the Pasta Pass. Another great thing about this, is that I won’t have to tip! If I get my Pasta Pass in the mail for a $100, I won’t pay a tip on that because a waiter didn’t give it to me. And when I use the Pasta Pass at the restaurant, I won’t get a bill, so I won’t have to leave a tip because 10% of zero is zero. Heck, since my bill is zero, I would go crazy and tip 15% instead, but that’s still zero, so sorry, Olive Garden waitress. No tip from me.

I bought my Pasta Pass yesterday. There were only 1000 available and it took me forever to get it because the darn website was so slow. I guess everybody wanted a Pasta Pass, but I finally made it through and it’s on the way! I wonder what it’s going to look like! I hope it doesn’t look like a regular OG gift card. I hope it’s black and made of metal. I want to feel important when I flash my card to Elliott. Maybe he’ll think I’m a VIP and serve me himself. (Good God, I’d love to get a taste of his spaghetti and meat balls!) When I get my card in the mail, it will be the best day of my life. I cannot wait until September 22 and I will be there as soon as they open. I will have my Pasta Pass hanging around my neck in the specially crocheted holder I made last night so they will know to treat me like the queen of pasta that I am. I dread November 10th when I have to start paying for my Olive Garden food again. This $100 will be the best money I have ever spent. It really is a dream come true. Well, almost a dream come true. I still want to do that whole circle of life thing with the Chicken and Shrimp Carbonara while sitting on the toilet. Maybe on November 9th!

Thanks, Olive Garden!! I love you!