Category Archives: Uncategorized

Angie Needs an Education About Incomplete Parties

Screen Shot 2016-08-23 at 11.35.22 AMFacebook is good for many things: it’s an excellent way to keep in touch with friends you don’t give a shit about, it’s a perfect platform to post images and statuses that give the impression of a perfect life and it’s wonderful place for me to teach a fucking lesson.

Case in point is Angie who went to Buffalo Wild Wings and thought it would be alright to get there at 5:45 and hold down a table for 10 people even though most of them wouldn’t be there until 7:00 or 8:30. Ummm, no, Angie. That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works. It seems that Angie wanted to watch a UFC fight, whatever the hell that is. Ultra Feminine Coochie Fight? Unattractive Flaccid Cock Fighting? I dunno. Angie somehow convinced BWW’s to give them a table, probably by saying that the rest of the party was “on the way” or would be there “any minute.” As they waited for their friends, the manager was apparently very rude and told them that they needed the tables for people who were, you know, actually there at the restaurant. This was very disappointing to Angie who wants BWW’s to know they have lost several customers. Not that it matters, because if there were customers who wanted to use the tables that Angie was holding, it means they have plenty of customers who know how restaurants work: you get a table when you get there.

You can’t hold tables all night just to watch a TV show about Unique Funny Chicken Fighting, especially when the majority of your friends aren’t even there. The restaurant needs those tables to make money and if two people are going to sit at a table for 10 people for two hours, the restaurant is not going to make any money and neither is the server. If you want to sit with a group of friends and watch television all night as people come and go as they please, there is a place for that and it’s called a living room. Look into it.

As disappointed as Angie was with Buffalo Wild Wings, I am even more disappointed in Angie. After all, Angie was a waitress in Philly and had her own TV show on ABC in 1979 and 1980.

 

I would think Angie would know better than to hog up a bunch of tables at a restaurant and keep a server from making tips. I guess Angie has forgotten where she came from. Well, consider this your reminder Angie: tables at restaurants are for people who are at the restaurant, Uber Flatulent Clown Fights or not.

10 Lies Every Server Has Told

If you have waited tables for even just six months, I bet you have used at least five of these lies:

  1. I’m sorry that your food is taking so long, but the printer in the kitchen was out of ink.giphy
  2. Our blender is broken so I can’t order you a frozen margarita.oZbED_f-maxage-0
  3. Yes, I will go change the thermostat right away, absolutely.Liar_-_The_Governor
  4. We don’t have any control of the music that plays.giphy
  5. Oh, I thought I already told you the specials.raw
  6. We just ran out of ice cream so I can’t get that milkshake for you.tyx4egazPswBq
  7. Our cappuccino machine is on the fritz.tumblr_myva1cImZF1s2rvj5o1_1280
  8. I’ll make sure the cook knows that the last time you were here your burger was overcooked.6ecd2ce0-aef1-0132-466f-0e9062a7590a
  9. It’s okay that your baby made a mess.498529
  10. My pleasure.giphy

You can click here to buy my book, The Bitchy Waiter.

10 Signs Customers Need To GTFO of the Restaurant

7297038340_390f4b5b04I was at work last night much later than I wanted to be. We close at 11:00. At 8:45 a woman came on who was meeting two friends. They finally showed up and decided they weren’t hungry and “just wanted to talk.” The first woman ordered a burger and they each had two beers. They talked and talked and talked. By 10:00, they were the only ones in the restaurant They kept talking and finally left at 11:45. They needed this list.

(If you like this bitchy attitude, I hope you will consider buying my book. Click here…)

Here are ten signs that it’s time for you to get the fuck out of the restaurant:

  1. You’re the only one sitting in the restaurant except for staff.
  2. Your waiter has cleared everything on your table except for what you physically had your hand on.
  3. You notice that all of the candles in the restaurant have been blown out with the exception of the one on your table.
  4. Most of the lights in the restaurant have been turned out.
  5. You see a bus boy dragging garbage past your table.
  6. Now the bus boy is mopping.
  7. Some chairs in the restaurant are now on top of the tables.
  8. You have not been given a water refill even though your glass is completely empty.
  9. You see your server standing in one spot for more than ten minutes, all the while shooting you the evil eye.
  10. Your server says, “You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here.”get-out

NEWS ALERT: Chicken Has Bones In It

Screen Shot 2016-08-17 at 11.04.33 AMPoor Jacquei had her birthday ruined and it also was the worst day of her vacation. Of course, it’s the fault of the restaurant. Any number of things could have happened that would make for such an awful experience and cause her to leave a 1-star review. Maybe her food came out completely wrong and rather than apologizing, her server slapped her up against the side of her head. Sure, that would make me want to leave a 1-star review. Or perhaps Jacquei was disappointed with the way the food was prepared because the menu said the pork chop was nut-free but it was actually covered in peanuts and when she ate it her lips swelled up to the size of two bloated caterpillars. That too would make me want to leave a 1-star review. However, the real reason Jacquei left a 1-star review is for a totally asinine reason: her half-chicken had bones in it.

Ummm, Jacquei, chicken usually has bones in it. It’s meat and meat has a skeleton. Unless you are ordering a boneless chicken breast, chicken tenders, Chicken McNuggets, chicken popcorn bites, chicken rings, boneless wings or cream of fucking chicken noodle soup, you might what to prepare yourself for BONES.

Jacquei, who claims to never complain about anything, complained about the bones and her server apologized and said he would talk to his manager about the situation- you know, the fact that the half-chicken had bones in it. In the end, Jacquei was not accommodated and the hostess is the one who presented her with the bill. Of course, I wasn’t there, but this is how I imagine the conversation went between the server and the manager:

Brandon: Table 12 didn’t like her half-chicken.
Manager: Okay, what was wrong with it? Overcooked, undercooked, too dry, what?
Brandon It had bones in it.
Manger: I’m sorry, what? She’s upset that her half-chicken had bones in it?
Brandon Yes, sir. Bones.
Manager:Ricky-Gervais-Facepalm-Laugh-Reaction-Gif
Brandon: tumblr_lfnhsyEcKf1qctj37.gif~c200
Manager: Tell her to get the fuck outta here. Don’t even waste your time with her. Let the hostess deal with her.

Sorry, Jacquei, your complaint is not valid. Please try again. If you really don’t want bones in your chicken, might I suggest Sweet Sue’s Chicken in a Can? It might still have bones in it, but it’s pretty much all gelatin so you won’t even notice. Enjoy!jZtDCn

Read Jacquei B.‘s review of Solvang Brewing Company on Yelp

Careful What You Write on Your Receipt, Jonathan

Jonathan-Ramichi-Reciept

“Get a new job you CUNT! You were a fucking cunt who would have earned a very substantial tip BUT you decided to be a bitch.”

Earlier today, I posted a link to an epic rant written by Stefanie Williams who was responding to a note that someone wrote on their credit card receipt; a receipt that did not have a tip on it, by the way. She posted it on Medium, but they had her revise it since they were not too keen on exposing the man’s full name. (Here is the revised version that is on Medium now.) Since this is my blog and I don’t work for Medium and don’t have a boss telling me what to do, I decided to post the original unedited version with his name. Yeah, I’m a bitch. So what?

And here it is:

Dear Jonathan Ramaci,

You don’t know me, but I know you. Because bartenders talk. Especially in a small town like Charleston. The underworld of bartending and serving in Chucktown is pretty legendary. You fuck one of us over, you fuck us all over. You talk shit to a bartender on Upper King, a bartender in Mount Pleasant knows about it.

So obviously I know about this. Obviously I know about how embarrassing of a drunk you are that you stayed at a bar for seven hours and then told the bartender she was a cunt when she refused to serve you anymore. And then you stiffed her after bragging about how “substantial” a tip you would have given her had she not cut your drunk ass off.

Here’s a substantial tip for you: this bartender wasn’t a bitch, but karma sure is!

Did you know the woman you stiffed and called a cunt and a bitch is a wife and mother? She has a baby and a husband? She is someone’s daughter who goes to work every day and deals with assholes like you? Nah, you wouldn’t know that, you were too busy telling people you invented the question mark to even consider that the bartender you were berating could be a human being. No human being would ever deny such a charming, classy, well composed drinker like yourself another round!

Dudes like you are the number one issue for servers and bartenders. Guys who don’t know when to stop drinking, don’t remember they are assholes when they’re drunk, and take out their life’s problems on the stranger who won’t give them anymore alcohol because they have no control over their own shit, despite bragging about how important they are. You aren’t important. And the probably seven dollar tip your cheap ass would have left this woman isn’t worth being verbally abused by some drunk dick. For someone who went to MIT, your vocabulary is pretty limited. Cunt? Really? That woman spent seven hours putting up with your drunk ass telling people you invented the start button for the iPhone. I think SAINT is more of an accurate term.

But congrats dude, I hope your six dollar savings and bitter rant against a mother and wife doing her job was worth it. Because now every bartender in Charleston — I mean, EVERY bartender in Charleston — knows you. Knows what you look like, what you do. They will laugh at you and point at you from behind the server station every time you sit down. They’ll mock the fuck out of your bragging ass and probably give you shitty service because they know that you’re a cheap fuck who treats their friends like shit and calls women cunts when they don’t give you what you want. So please bear that in mind every single time you walk into a bar in the low country — they all know the enormous asshole you are and it won’t be forgotten. Your actions have blacklisted you from ever having a genuine bartender or server again in this town. Their managers will be on alert when you walk in as “a guy who gets really wasted and berates the servers and doesn’t tip”. You’ll never be allowed to camp out on their barstools for seven hours again only to stiff them and think it’s okay.

I hope this is a life lesson for you. I don’t care how fucking important you think you are, you can not treat people this way. I don’t give a shit how much money you make or how expensive your car is or how fabulously smart you are. You used the word cunt against a woman simply doing her job because you were a belligerent asshole who doesn’t know when to shut it down. What adult does that? No one is impressed by you, no one is intimidated by you. So stop being a raging asshole and maybe learn a little humility and some moderation on the sweet nectar, because buddy, no tip is worth putting up with patrons like you.