Category Archives: Uncategorized

Server Calls Out Customer Who Writes “I Don’t Tip Fags” on Receipt

A waitress named Michelle Crider was working her shift at at the Dash-In restaurant in Fort Wayne, Indiana this week when two men sat in her station and tried to ruin her day by being small-minded, bigoted, assholes. When they left the restaurant, Michelle saw they had not bothered to leave a tip, but they did leave a note on their receipt explaining why they made that decision. Scrawled at the top of the piece of paper were these words: “I don’t tip fags.”

Michelle went home and created a Facebook video explaining what happened and how she wasn’t going to let it upset her. She loves her job, loves the people she works with and is happy in her life. I won’t try to say it better than she did, so please watch this inspiring and completely honest response that she gave. And please watch until the end because the last two seconds are THE BEST:

Ironically, this video came out on the same day that I myself was called a fag on my Facebook page. It doesn’t bother me because people have been calling me names ever since third grade when a bunch of little assholes called me a sissy during a game of kickball, so being called a fag is old news. As a kid, it would make me cry but now it just pisses me off that people still think it’s okay to hate someone just because of who they love. When the guy called me a fag, I originally screenshot the comment and shared it, but my husband (in my same-sex marriage!) convinced me that it was immature, so I took it down. But here it is again with his full name redacted:

You can see how I initially responded to him and here is my additional response to Diz which, although not as thoughtful and well-spoken as Michelle’s video was, is pretty fucking perfect in it’s own way:My job is real t-shirt

If you don’t like gay people, that’s fine, but you don’t need to tell us that you don’t like us. Chances are we know that anyway. Just stay in your teeny, tiny orbit and we’ll stay in ours. I can tell you this though: the orbit that we live in is one that embraces diversity and love and positivity. Our orbit is the one that you will eventually want to live in if you ever want to be truly happy in your life. Until then, go suck on a black hole, assholes.

Oh, and if you want to buy that shirt, here it is.

Bitchy Waiter + Rap Video = THIS

Someone made a rap video about serving and they rapped about me and my book. I’m honored and slightly terrified because I thought the only way Bitchy Waiter would ever be referenced in a song would be in some off-off-Broadway experimental musical theater production that I wrote and produced myself.

 

But thank you to @skottyboyy for the shout out! And if anyone wants to buy my book you can click here.

 

I Just Discovered the Most Adorable Server Books

When I used to work at Bennigan’s back in the early 1890s, we were encouraged to come up with creative “flair” that would allow our true personalities to stand out as we served fried cheese and Monte Cristo sandwiches. I made several of my own aprons out of old fabric scraps my grandma had in a box and I even started making them for my co-workers.

That was so long ago and these days I would never find the time, creative energy or gumption to make my own apron. Besides, Bennigan’s is probably so corporate by now that they want all of their servers to look like identical polyester-wearing robots. However, if you are looking for a way to stand out from the other robo-hos at your job, there are so many server books that let you be unique without having to sew or wrap your corporate issue server book in decorative duct tape and stickers.

ServerBooks.com is a great website with so many cute server books and I wish I had these options back in the day. I have worked at my current restaurant for so long, that I hardly ever bother writing down an order, but I am seriously considering buying this pink sparkly one.Pink Glitter Server Books

That way, even if my personality doesn’t shine at work, at least my server book does.

I’m also eyeing this one with watermelons and pineapples on it because it reminds me of margaritas and piña coladas and if I can’t drink those at work, I at least want to think about them.Cute Summer Server Books for Waitresses

Anywho, I just wanted to put it out there, because whenever I see something that I think y’all might like, I want to share it with you. Check out their server books at www.serverbooks.com and if any of you get one, send me a photo of you using it at work! I’d love to see it.

An Olive Garden Breadstick Bouquet is Happening

Valentine’s Day is just a few days away and if you’re thinking of getting roses or candy for that special someone, you need to reconfigure you ideas for romance. Wake up, bitches. It’s 2019 and the only way to prove your true love is to buy your Valentine a bouquet of Olive Garden breadsticks.

Yes, this a real thing.

It’s not an actual menu item or anything, because even the higher ups at Olive Garden know how bat shit crazy this idea is, but they have created some bouquet wrapping paper that you can print out on your own. Then you have to hop, skip or jump over to your nearest Olive Garden to buy some breadsticks to-go and then wrap up your doughy sticks of love in the wrapping paper. Good luck with that, because if you’re printer is anything like mine, it’s going to come out half-printed, crooked, barely legible and look like crap because you bought the cheapest ream of paper available at Staples. You have six different options of wrapping paper and each and every one of them is cheesier than the Five Cheese Ziti al Forno.

  • Love at first bite.
  • ‘Till the breadsticks run out do us part.
  • We belong together like spaghetti and meatballs.
  • To have and to hold. And most importantly, to eat.
  • Roses are red, violets are blue. Here’s a bouquet of breadsticks I made for you.
  • My love for you is never ending.

Someone in the marketing department went all out with those sayings, but they forgot a few and I would like to offer my suggestions:

  • Each breadstick is a 140 calories. I love you, fat ass.
  • This was cheaper than a dozen long-stem roses.
  • I literally do not care about Valentine’s day at all.
  • Sorry about your yeast infection, but here’s some bread.
  • I’m breaking up with you.
  • My love for you is totally processed.
  • If you like this gift, we were made for each other.

Happy Valentine’s day, everybody. If you want to download the bouquet wrap, here’s the link.

And if you want a much better gift for the love of your life, click here for a personalized Bitchy Waiter video or here for a My Job is Real, My Smile is Fake t-shirt

NEWS FLASH: Paula Got Lint on Her New Navy Sweater

All of us have our own personal struggles we must cope with each day. Some struggles are easily identifiable, like my nose to face ratio. Others have issues that are hidden deep beneath the surface that only they know about it, but it doesn’t make their struggle any less real. No matter how difficult our life is, there is undoubtedly someone else who has it much worse. It’s the old “I complained I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet” situation, you know?

Enter Paula whose daily struggle is something that makes everyone else’s problem pale in comparison. She lives in Cleveland, but that’s not the only issue that she has to deal with. I do not know what her nose to face ratio is and I do not know if she has shoes or even feet. It matters not though, for Paula’s struggle is real and it’s horrific. It isn’t something that anyone else would have know about had she not decided to elaborate on it for for all the world to see. Prepare yourselves to learn of this daily struggle for it is the stuff of nightmares and I have heard that it might be the subject matter for Ryan Murphy’s next season of “American Horror Story” where Jessica Lange will tackle the most harrowing role of her career and play this put-put-upon woman.

Paula wore a pristine navy sweater to her favorite brunch spot and now and it’s all covered in white lint.

WHITE. LINT. (a moment of silence as you let the gravity of this situation sink in.)

We cannot live in a world where Paula gets white lint on her navy sweater, but thankfully Paula has a couple of suggestions that will solve the crisis:

“Please find an alternative.” One solution for Paula would be to simply not use a napkin and let that sweet, sweet food drool drip off her lips and directly onto her sweater. Or better yet, use the sweater as the napkin, therefore eliminating the problem altogether. Personally, I think it would be easier to remove some napkin lint from a sweater than buffalo wing sauce and a few tablespoons of Ranch dressing, but what do I know? I don’t even own a navy sweater.

“Maybe I should start getting lint-y clothes dry cleaned and send you the bills.” Yes, Paula, do that. And while you’re at it, send the your gas receipts to the restaurant too so they can pay for your drive over. And let them pay for the dental floss, toothpaste and toothbrush that you will use when you extricate the remains of the half rack double-glazed baby back ribs that you shoved into your gullet.

“What’s wrong with black?” The trouble with black napkins is that when you wear your new, pristine ivory sweater, you’ll be right back on Facebook complaining about the black lint, Paula.

“Or napkins that don’t generate a bale of lint?” Again, Paula, just use your sweater to wipe your mouth. Or maybe paper napkins. Or a wet wipes. Or bring your own fucking napkin when you go out to eat. Or just don’t go out to eat.  

I hope you all join with me to send Paula some positive energy and prayers as she struggles through this disaster of epic proportions. Eating out is hard, y’all, especially when you want to wear your new, pristine navy sweater that you bought at Chico’s for 40% of the sale price and then you took an additional 5% off because you got a Chico’s credit card and agreed to join their mailing list. Be strong, Paula. You got this.

Rest in Peace, Applebee’s Servers Who Have to Sell $1 Hurricanes

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to remember those souls we have lost on this, the first day of February in the 2019th year of our lord. So many of these cherished souls withered up and blew away in the wind like old Doritos dust on the stubby fingers of a famished clopener. And why did so many perish on this sad, sad day? What catastrophic event could possibly occur that would cause such vast human suffering?

Applebee’s is selling $1.00 Hurricane’s for the entire month of February in an effort to drum up excitement about Mardi Gras, and also in the process, make every server and bartender who works at Applebee’s to question their very existence. Hordes and whores of people will show up to their local Applebee’s with a crisp five-dollar bills in their sweaty palms ready to get their drank on by buying four watered down cocktails and tipping a quarter each time.

“The Hurricane cocktail is a classic rum drink with close ties to New Orleans and Mardi Gras,” said Patrick Kirk, vice president of beverage innovation at Applebee’s, in a press release. “A DOLLAR HURRICANE is a great reason to celebrate the season and from now until March 5, Applebee’s is going to ‘party like it’s Mardi.’” He goes on to say, “Our customers deserve the very finest of ingredients, but in the case we’ve decided to just give them a glass of whatever the fuck we had the most of, call it a ‘hurricane’ and sell it for a dollar. It’s a great way for us to clean out our inventory and also give the appearance that we are doing something special for our customers. It’s a win-win.”

Any Applebee’s employee who survives this month long promotion can look forward to April where the next promotion will be for a drink called the “April Fool.” The cocktail will consist of carbonated water, lemon seeds, a dash of bitterness with an apathy float and will cost fifty cents each or two for a dollar. As for the employees who, upon learning of the $1.00 Hurricane, fell to the floor and never got up again: rest in peace, bitches.