Since I don’t know your name, I am going to call you Jesus because that is how awesome you are. Actually, I don’t know what your religious beliefs are and it is not my intention to offend you, so I will call you John Stamos since he’s the man on earth who is most close to being perfect. Anyway, John Stamos, you were wonderful.
Last week, I went into your restaurant after a very long day at the office. I just needed a burger and fries, but you gave me so much more. When you approached my table, your kind eyes filled my soul. It was like I was empty vessel and you poured hot chocolate and Bailey’s into it. Just your glance made me feel better. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways:
- You read my mind. I didn’t even have to tell you what I wanted because your waiter instinct telepathically read that I craved a classic burger with white cheddar, grilled onions, lettuce, no tomato or onions, two sides of mayo and an order of extra crispy fries. You are an angel on earth, John Stamos
- You performed a miracle. There I was drinking my third glass of water and audibly sighing for the tenth time. You asked me if everything was alright and I told you that I would feel better after a glass of wine. You picked up my glass of water and it instantly changed to wine. And it was the most perfect wine I have ever tasted. It had a beautiful burgundy color with hints of floral, herbs and Hostess Ding Dongs. It was incredible. When I asked you how you did that, you just smiled with your perfect teeth and winked at me. My heart melted a bit right then.
- You eased my stress. When I told you how difficult my day was at the bank, I never expected you to give me a massage, but you did. Your quick nimble hands explored every inch of my aching back muscles and soothed me into a comfort zone I have not felt since the first time I watched The Notebook.
- You made me laugh. Are you a professional stand up comedian?? Because you are hilarious. That story you told me about the three puppies who were flying first class to Paris, France and ended up in Texas was the funniest thing I have ever heard. And that bit about Whataburger? It still makes me laugh. Seriously, you should write that out and send it to New Yorker magazine. You truly are an amazing man, story teller and waiter.
- Your beard is incredible. If I were a baby bird, I would want to live in it. I bet it smells like pine trees, magnolia blossoms and patchouli.
- Your ass is even more incredible. It looked like two hams. I have never seen a pair of Dickies so perfectly filled.
- You kept my fries warm. I saw what you did. When the cooks put my plate of fries in the window and the burger wasn’t there yet, you held that plate directly under the heat lamp until the rest of my food was ready. I don’t know how you did that, because those heat lamps must be about a thousand degrees, but you somehow managed it. I noticed that when you brought the food to me, your fingers were callused and burned and you did that for me. You sacrificed your own fingerprints just so I could have hot french fries. I took a picture of it so I would never forget how much you did for me. (My only regret is that I can’t see your ass in the photo.) The next time I am feeling sad or down, all I will have to do is look at that photo to be reminded that there are good people in this world.
Thank you, John Stamos. It is not often that I come across a server so willing to go above and beyond for their customers but you have proven that they do exist. You must be the most perfect waiter in the world. I can only hope that other people who read this horrible blog will know that not all servers are as awful as The Bitchy Waiter. He waited on me once and I swear to God it was like he didn’t even want to be there. He can certainly learn from you, but he probably won’t because he is too drunk, lazy and far too much of an asshole to ever admit that he could be a better person. (He also needs a haircut. He looks like a fucking scarecrow who stuck his finger in a light socket.)
I wish all good things to you, John Stamos. I know I will never experience any server as amazing as you but I am grateful that I sat in your section.
Forever gratefully yours.
Some Random Chick Who Sat in Your Section
p.s. Marry me?