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An Open Letter to the Most Amazing Server in the Whole Freaking World

14877742_10157562610335459_846318685_nDear Amazing Waiter,

Since I don’t know your name, I am going to call you Jesus because that is how awesome you are. Actually, I don’t know what your religious beliefs are and it is not my intention to offend you, so I will call you John Stamos since he’s the man on earth who is most close to being perfect. Anyway, John Stamos, you were wonderful.

Last week, I went into your restaurant after a very long day at the office. I just needed a burger and fries, but you gave me so much more. When you approached my table, your kind eyes filled my soul. It was like I was empty vessel and you poured hot chocolate and Bailey’s into it. Just your glance made me feel better. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways:

  1. You read my mind. I didn’t even have to tell you what I wanted because your waiter instinct telepathically read that I craved a classic burger with white cheddar, grilled onions, lettuce, no tomato or onions, two sides of mayo and an order of extra crispy fries. You are an angel on earth, John Stamos
  2. You performed a miracle. There I was drinking my third glass of water and audibly sighing for the tenth time. You asked me if everything was alright and I told you that I would feel better after a glass of wine. You picked up my glass of water and it instantly changed to wine. And it was the most perfect wine I have ever tasted. It had a beautiful burgundy color with hints of floral, herbs and Hostess Ding Dongs. It was incredible. When I asked you how you did that, you just smiled with your perfect teeth and winked at me. My heart melted a bit right then.
  3. You eased my stress. When I told you how difficult my day was at the bank, I never expected you to give me a massage, but you did. Your quick nimble hands explored every inch of my aching back muscles and soothed me into a comfort zone I have not felt since the first time I watched The Notebook.
  4. You made me laugh. Are you a professional stand up comedian?? Because you are hilarious. That story you told me about the three puppies who were flying first class to Paris, France and ended up in Texas was the funniest thing I have ever heard. And that bit about Whataburger? It still makes me laugh. Seriously, you should write that out and send it to New Yorker magazine. You truly are an amazing man, story teller and waiter.
  5. Your beard is incredible. If I were a baby bird, I would want to live in it. I bet it smells like pine trees, magnolia blossoms and patchouli.
  6. Your ass is even more incredible. It looked like two hams. I have never seen a pair of Dickies so perfectly filled.
  7. You kept my fries warm. I saw what you did. When the cooks put my plate of fries in the window and the burger wasn’t there yet, you held that plate directly under the heat lamp until the rest of my food was ready. I don’t know how you did that, because those heat lamps must be about a thousand degrees, but you somehow managed it. I noticed that  when you brought the food to me, your fingers were callused and burned and you did that for me. You sacrificed your own fingerprints just so I could have hot french fries. I took a picture of it so I would never forget how much you did for me. (My only regret is that I can’t see your ass in the photo.) The next time I am feeling sad or down, all I will have to do is look at that photo to be reminded that there are good people in this world.

Thank you, John Stamos. It is not often that I come across a server so willing to go above and beyond for their customers but you have proven that they do exist. You must be the most perfect waiter in the world. I can only hope that other people who read this horrible blog will know that not all servers are as awful as The Bitchy Waiter. He waited on me once and I swear to God it was like he didn’t even want to be there. He can certainly learn from you, but he probably won’t because he is too drunk, lazy and far too much of an asshole to ever admit that he could be a better person. (He also needs a haircut. He looks like a fucking scarecrow who stuck his finger in a light socket.)

I wish all good things to you, John Stamos. I know I will never experience any server as amazing as you but I am grateful that I sat in your section.

Forever gratefully yours.
Some Random Chick Who Sat in Your Section

p.s. Marry me?

Server Is Given a Script by Ultimate Control Freak

14593296_1248281155195448_348245641_nWe all know the stereotype that says every waiter and waitress is an actor, right? While this may be more likely in New York City where you can’t throw a dead rat without hitting at least two wannabe Broadway superstars, that may not be the case all over the country. However, one recent customer at a Red Robin seems to think it’s perfectly okay to supply their server with a script for their dining experience and have the server perform like a trained monkey working for peanuts and belly rubs.

Nikki was living her best life by celebrating her birthday at Red Robin where she was going to drown herself in Chili Chili™Cheeseburgers and bottomless fries. Her friend put together the evening and had it planned down to the very minute. I’m certain that if Nikki needed to take a pee, she had to ask her friend first if it was on the schedule. The server was given an itinerary, complete with lines of dialogue and so the party began:

The Waitress/Waiters Script

1: Bring out the drinks…go away and come back 2: Ask Nikki “Do you have a daughter named Isabella? Wait for Nikki to respond. She wanted to wish you a happy birthday. (Give Nikki the present wrapped in pink).

2: Take the order go away and come back. Ask Nikki: Do you have a son named Landon? Wait for Nikki to respond. He wanted you to have this for your birthday. (Give Nikki the present wrapped in blue).

3: Go away. After bringing us our meals ask Nikki: Do you have a twin named Michelle? Wait for Nikki to respond. She wanted to say happy birthday. (Give Nikki envelope with her name on it).

4: After clearing away dishes ask Nikki: Do you have a nephew named Zac? Wait for Nikki to respond. He wanted to say happy birthday. (Hand Nikki the box wrapped in black).

5: Bring out birthday cake. We will sing her happy birthday.

6: While we are eating cake but before you bring the check ask Nikki Do you know someone named Jonathan? Wait for Nikki to respond. Well he wanted to wish you a happy birthday as well. (Wheel out bicycle).

End of celebration

At certain intervals, the server was required to ask Nikki about a random person in her life and when Nikki responded, “Why yes, I DO have a daughter named Isabella!” that was the server’s cue to say ‘“she wanted to wish you a happy birthday” and then present the appropriate gift. The server and to do this a total of five times for Nikki’s son, her twin sister, her nephew and a random man named Jonathan. We do not know what Jonathan’s relationship is to Nikki, but I’m just going to assume it’s her fuck buddy because why not? This poor server had to carry out a pink present, a blue present, an envelope, a black present and finally, a goddamn bicycle. Of course these gifts were taking up valuable space in the sidestand and the whole event was taking up even more valuable space in the server’s brain. Every time she’d be at another table taking an order, she’s worried about getting Landon’s present out on time.

I think this is a lot to ask of a server. You can’t just expect your waitress to be handed a script and perform on cue. I especially love how she is told each time to wait for Nikki to respond, like they think the waitress won’t be able to contain her excitement and will hand out a present before Nikki says she knows who Michelle is. giphyThe rudest part of the “script” is how many times the server is simply told to “go away.” Trust me, the server can’t wait to go away. And she can’t wait for Nikki to go away either. A Red Robin waitress isn’t your own personal event planner. I hope Nikki reached into that envelope from her twin sister Michelle and handed some extra bills to the server for going above and beyond.

I guess the real question here is who the hell was even at this “celebration?” Nikki’s own children, Isabella and Landon, couldn’t be bothered to show up. Her twin sister must have been too busy celebrating her own birthday at a Denny’s down the street. Her nephew Zac phoned it in with a present he wrapped in black and everyone knows that when you wrap a birthday present in black, it means you don’t give a shit and you’ve got better things to do. And even this “someone named Jonathan” didn’t show up. He managed to get a freaking bicycle down to Red Robin but he wasn’t able to stick around to wheel it out himself? C’mon, Jonathan. What kind of a fuck buddy are you?

We cannot be sure how successful this party was. The photo was sent to me with very little explanation and I was forced to create the details on my own. What we can be sure of is this:

  1. Nikki’s friend likes to be in charge.
  2. She also knows how to change the font color in a Word Document.
  3. The restaurant staff was off the hook when it came to singing because instruction #5 makes it very clear that all is expected of them is to bring out the cake.
  4. Wheeling out a bicycle at Red Robin is the true indication that the celebration has come to an end.
  5. Nikki needs new friends who will plan something better for her birthday than a Chili Chili™Cheeseburger and bottomless fries.

An Open Letter to This Lazy Waiter

14877742_10157562610335459_846318685_nDear Lazy Waiter,

While I understand it’s not your fault that the fries weren’t hot enough, it is your responsibility to do your best to serve hot food. When a customer receives a plate with french fries that are just barely above room temperature, you should want to do your best to make it right for them. After all, good service will help you get a bigger tip, right? If you are going to take the plate of lukewarm food back to the kitchen, I would hope that you will be doing so in order to ask for some fries more recently out of the fryer. What I don’t expect for you to do is to simply hold the plate under the heat lamp hoping that will do the trick. It won’t. That light bulb was designed to keep hot food warm, not make warm food hot. The only thing that’s going to do is make the plate too hot to handle.

I get it. You don’t want to bother the cooks because you’re pretty sure they hate you and your cool hipster beard. Or they’re too busy smoking cigarettes out by the dumpster. Or maybe you are even lazier than I am, which is hard to believe because I’m pretty fucking lazy. But just holding the plate under the heat lamp is the equivalent of bringing someone a cup of coffee when they asked for a cappuccino: it’s half-assed. And if you’re going to do anything this half-assed, at least do it where no one can see you. Dude, you work in an open kitchen. We can see you. We can see you being a lazy bitch. I don’t normally call other servers “lazy bitches” but since I am one myself, I can do that. It takes a lazy bitch to know a lazy bitch. You, sir, are a lazy bitch.

I’m sure when you took the plate back to the table, the customer looked at it and said, “Ummm, really? These are the same fries.” And you were all, ‘No, I got the cooks to give you new ones.” And they were like, “I watched you just hold the plate under a light.” And then you denied it until they pulled out their cell phone and showed you the picture they took of your lazy ass holding some french fries under a heat lamp. Boom:unnamed

Look, the next time a customer tells you the food isn’t hot enough, just apologize and then figure out what you need to do to fix it. It’s our job. We can complain about it until the cows come home, but no amount of bitching is going to make those french fries hot again. It doesn’t matter if it was your fault or not. We are the ones who take the blame. Suck it up, tell the kitchen you need some new fries and move on. And never forget that there is always someone with a cell phone recording your every move.

Mustard and mayo,
The Bitchy Waiter

p.s. I realize you might be, in fact, a great guy. I also know that this photo was sent to me without any explanation so I was forced to use my imagination as to what may be happening in this moment. I hope you’re cool with it.

Christmas is Coming, So Don’t Tip Your Server?

15241351_10154307200884125_1142882794088733120_nChristmas is just a few short weeks ahead and already people are worrying about how they are going to pay for all the massive amounts of presents that commercialism has made them feel they need to buy. Some people save throughout the year with a Christmas club account at their bank, while others put everything on a credit card and worry about that minimum payment after the new year begins. Some others have decided that the only way they can possibly afford gifts is by stiffing their server when they go to eat at a restaurant.

Case in point is the above photo of someone (I’m going to assume it’s a woman) explaining why she was unable to leave  a tip:

Sorry, no tip. Christmas is coming with 3 kids. 🙁 But you’re great 🙂  p.s. Don’t have kids, you’ll save money.

This pisses me right the fuck off. First of all, did it even occur to her that maybe the server has three kids who might also like some fucking Christmas presents? And if not kids, maybe the server has someone else in their life that they might like to buy a present for. This customer seems to think that she is the only person in the world that has Christmas approaching. Millions of people are celebrating Christmas and if they aren’t celebrating that holiday, maybe they observe Mawlid al-Nabi, Kwanzaa or Festivus. Don’t try to make your Christmas holiday anymore important than someone else’s holiday that also falls in December.

Secondly, the use of the little sad face/happy face does not disguise that fact this is a shitty thing to do. If you aren’t going to leave a tip, grow a pair of holiday balls and tell your server face to face. Don’t be a coward by scribbling a stupid note at the end of the meal after the server has done everything for you fully expecting to be tipped for the service that was given. I hope Santa brings this woman two lumps of coal that she can shove right up her ass.

Thirdly, a verbal tip is useless. No amount of “you’re great” is going to pay for the electric bill, buy groceries or a Cabbage Patch Doll. (I’m almost 50…that was the hottest Christmas toy when I was a kid.)

Finally, thanks for the advice about how not having three kids will save you money. That is truly invaluable input that maybe someone should gave given her before she pushed out three bundles of joy from her sweet potato pie hole. No shit, it costs money to have three kids. Unless you don’t plan on feeding them or clothing them, kids are a money pit. You signed up for it each time you caught a hot load and no one else should have to suffer because your kids are expensive. I have plenty of money because I decided to not have kids. Instead of spending money on school clothes, piano lessons and braces for my kids, I spend my money on cocktails, vacations and braces for my own damn teeth.

I hope this woman sees this blog post and knows how many times her note was shared across the Internet. Maybe then, she will realize that she’s a cheap no-good customer looking for ways to justify the fact that she doesn’t want to tip. I have a feeling that even if she didn’t have three kids, she’d still be a cheap fuck.

1-Star Review for Another Stupid Reason

picmonkey-sampleOne of my hobbies, in addition to doing tequila shots and saving matchbooks from bars that have gently asked me to never come back, is trolling through the land of Yelp reviews to see if anything can awaken my need to bitch online. I also find that it can be a good way for me to educate the average consumer on the ways of the restaurant world. While perusing, lo and behold, a review popped out at me that made my eyes water with joy. I had found a woman named Edithe who, instead of using toilet paper, decided to use Yelp to wipe her butt. It seems that Miss Edithe forgot her credit card at a certain Melting Pot and pretty much wanted to blame anyone but herself for her forgetfulness and the inconvenience of getting it back.

She begins her review with the usual 1-star complaints:

“okay but inconsistent portions”
“it seemed very unorganized and we felt forgotten”

But then she goes on to explain that the next day while shopping, she realized she had left her credit card at the restaurant. She immediately rushed out of the Dollar Tree, where she was buying off-brand Oreos, pantyhose and an inordinate amount of canned baked beans, to retrieve her card from the Melting Pot. The nice woman at the restaurant told her the card was there in the safe. She also mentioned how many people had happened to leave their credit card that night as well, suggesting that perhaps the waitress was returning the cards in an inconspicuous place that was causing people to not take them. “Bummed that (she) had to drive back out there,” when Edithe got to Melting Pot, she parked in a tow away zone and rushed inside to retrieve her card. When she told the bartender that she was in a hurry, he supposedly said, “so we’re supposed to hurry up for you because you made a mistake and forgot your credit card?”

Hold up.

Stop it.

Wait a minute.

Do we really know that he for sure said something so amazingly rude, standoffish and downright asshole-like? Because, oh my God, I hope so!

Sorry, Edithe. Maybe he could have been a little bit nicer in the way he expressed his thoughts, but he is so completely right. You are the one who left your credit card. You are the one who chose to park in the tow away zone. The world does not revolve around you and your needs, Lady Fondue. I can’t help but notice that you have written a total of 11 reviews for Yelp. Of those 11 reviews, 7 of them are 1-star. Might the problem be you? Could that maybe be what the issue is? Perhaps you always have disappointing service and bad experiences because you get what you put out there. Just a hunch. I’m probably wrong and you’re just an utter delight to be around.

Edithe ends her review with a warning to other diners:

“Keep a close eye on your credit card, lest it end up in their safe with the other 40 forgotten credit cards and you have to drive all the way back over there just to be treated with contempt.”

Apparently, the manger told her how common it was for people to forget their credit card. So common, in fact, that he had about 40 cards in his safe at that very moment. It sounds like she doesn’t believe him. What she doesn’t know is that this restaurant did her a favor. If they would have called to let the credit card company know a customer had left their card behind, the credit card company would immediately deactivate it and ask them to destroy it. Maybe the next time Miss Edithe leaves her card at restaurant, she’d like that better. Just cancel the card so she can have something else to complain about on Yelp.

Bottom line: if you forget your credit card at the restaurant, it’s nobody’s fault but your own. Deal with it.

Read Edithe S.‘s review of The Melting Pot on Yelp
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10 Times to Be Thankful When You Are a Server

15027596_10210922993050119_4468433932415925177_nIn honor of Thanksgiving, I want to remind you that there are always things to be thankful for when you wait tables for a living.

  1. You are totally slammed and then you get 10-top right when you think you can’t take anymore. When you approach the table, someone says, “this is all going to be on one check and you can give it to me.”raw
  2. It is five minutes before closing time. The restaurant is empty and your sidework is done. Suddenly, a family of five comes in. When they see no one else in the restaurant, they ask what time you close. You meekly respond, “in five minutes.” They decide to go elsewhere because they know that staying would make them awful people.gphy
  3. You are starving and have been working an endless double. In the window is a plate of nachos that makes your mouth water. As you stare at it longingly, your manager walks by and tells you that it was a mistake and you can eat it. dwight-yesyes
  4. You get to work thinking you are closing. When you look at the schedule, you realize you misread it and you are actually the first cut.ql8kg
  5. A couple with a newborn baby rolls into your section and the baby stays asleep the whole damn time.giy
  6. You have a table of eight people. Four of them want cappuccinos, two want lattes, one wants an espresso and one person wants a half decaf, half regular, skim milk mochaccino with whipped cream. Your cappuccino machine is broken. isanea9
  7. You are not in the best mood to be working, but when you see the floor plan you see that your two besties are working in the sections right next to you so now you know you can get through this shift.gipy
  8. By some random coincidence, everyone in your section is from out of the country and you know your tips are going to suck. But then your manager gives you permission to add the gratuity and your life is saved.giphy
  9. You go in to open the restaurant and you discover that all the silverware is already rolled, the dressings are already full, the lemons are cut and the glasses have been polished. (This only happens when you were the closer the night before.)gy
  10. Your restaurant is closed on Thanksgiving day and you can spend that day somewhere other than the place you work.35nuvbj