About a million years ago, I wrote a blog post called “5 Annoying Things Customers Need to Stop Doing.” It was basically the same old complaints that every server has and I just typed them out and shared them with the world. It generated a lot of comments when it came out over two years ago, but someone named Miss Mercy was tardy to the party and just now put her two cents in. Coincidentally, two cents is also what she considers a good tip. She had seven suggestions for servers to adhere to in order to stop being obnoxious and I want to evaluate them and make sure they each make sense:
- Don’t tell me your name. I don’t care. Most servers don’t want to give out their name and the ones who do are very often required to do so because of the restaurant they work in. If a server does tell you their name and you find it annoying, how about you just smile and move on? Don’t let a server ruin your whole dining experience because they would prefer that you ask for them by name rather than snap your fingers and yell, “hey!” If you absolutely cannot tolerate hearing four extra words (My. Name. Is. Betty.), you need to take another chill pill and climb off the nerve you are riding. Or just ignore it. That’s what I do when a customer tells me their name.
- Don’t go over everything that’s on the menu while I’m trying to read it. I can read. Forgive us for not realizing that you are one of the 5% of people who understand what a menu is for. Servers tend to accommodate to the lowest common denominator and many people who sit in a restaurant will ask questions that could be answered if they would read the menu. You are special, Miss Mercy. A truly special dried up twat.
- Don’t act like you’re doing me a favor. The same thing goes for you, Miss Mercy. I get the feeling that you are one of those people who thinks that you, and you alone, are the only reason that your local Applebee’s is staying open. Your weekly order of ribs is keeping the restaurant afloat, is that it? And you probably expect people to do bend over backwards for you since you come in every week. Well listen, lady, don’t do us any favors either. You sound like a miserable person to wait on and I’m sure that if you stopped going to restaurants there would be at least one server who would notice you are gone and sing “Ding dong, the bitch is dead.”
- Don’t tell me stuff about your boring little life. Point taken as long as you do the same thing. How many times has the following scenario happened to a server? A customer says they don’t want cheese on their burger and the server says “okay.” However, the customer will follow that up with, “I wish I could have cheese, but it doesn’t agree with me. I love cheese and I used to eat it all the time, but now I’m lactose intolerant and get a little gassy if I have cheese or dairy. A couple of weeks ago, I ate a little bit of greek yogurt for breakfast and I spent the rest of the day sitting on the toilet, you know what I mean? So no cheese on the burger.” And then the server again says “okay” while thinking, “don’t tell me stuff about your boring little life.”
- You bring plates from the kitchen and take them back, hopefully in a polite and efficient manner. You don’t cook the food, you don’t design the restaurant’s interior. Why do you deserve 20%? We don’t deserve 20% unless we earn 20% and the reason we try to earn 20% is because restaurants pay us shit hourly wages, got it?
- Don’t ask “is everything delicious?” Okay, now you’re just being a bitch. A server is going to ask you how your food is because if he doesn’t, you will complain that no one ever checked on you and you never got to say that your breadsticks tasted stale and you will then have your reason to leave a bad tip. Is it the exact words you are offended by? Would it be better if the server said, “How is everything?” or “Is your food alright?” or “It doesn’t taste like ass, does it?”
- Just fuck off generally, you entitled assholes. Great, we will fuck off and you can go fuck yourself. The server is there to do a job and if you don’t want to deal with a server then you can take your ass to a fast food restaurant or a goddamn Luby’s cafeteria for a fucking LuAnne platter. Maybe eventually your wish will come true and you can place your own orders by using the kiosks on the table and your food will be delivered by a drone. Until then, you have to accept that restaurants have servers. And I must say that if anyone in a restaurant is likely to be entitled, it’s customers like you.
But thank you for the suggestions, I’ll be sure to keep those in mind.