I don’t know anything about Dundee Scotland, but it must have been a slow news week there for this story to make it into their news media. Staff writer Stefan Morkis is aiming for a Pulitzer Prize with his hard-hitting news story about a possible “rat” that made its way into a restaurant called Medina Bar and Grill. Here is the link, but let me give you the whole story in five sentences: It was hot outside. Someone propped the door open to get some air. A rat (maybe, maybe not) popped in to say hello. Two people left. Stefan thought “this should be in the news!”
Stefan, bitch, please.
If newspapers wrote an article for every time a mouse, bug or rodent was in a restaurant there wouldn’t be enough newsprint in the world and the Internet would finally be too full for another article. It happens and it’s not newsworthy unless someone has video of the rat ordering a plate of nachos and then sending them back because he asked for them with no jalepenos. Stefan is obviously trying to make it sound much more dramatic than it really was. Did people really “shriek in terror,” Stefan? And do we even know that it was rat? The quotes that you used in your headline tells me you don’t. The sole witness says, “At first I thought it was a mouse but a woman who had seen it said it was larger than a mouse and thought it was a rat.” Basically, someone told you that someone told her it looked bigger than a mouse and may have been a rat.
Stefan’s witness goes on to say that she saw people trying to catch the “rat” in a bucket and since no one did, she decided to leave because she wasn’t as brave as the people who stayed.
The manager is interviewed and basically is like, “Yeah, it was hot outside, we opened the door and it came in. 40 people here at the time thought it was kinda funny except for two uptight bitches who left and probably called their friend Stefan who writes stupid ass shit for The Courier.” He also says that pest control came and checked out the situation and gave it a big ol’ “whatever.”
Way to make the most of a story, Stefan, but you’re in Scotland, and I can think of a much better story you could have written:
Diners at a Dundee restaurant recoiled in panic and fear when a centuries-old myth rose from the deep waters and crawled underneath a table. A witness says, “I was just sitting there eating my porridge and waiting for my kippers and haggis to come out of the kitchen when all of a sudden, I saw the Loch Ness Monster. At first I thought it was a bird but someone told me it was bigger than a bird so I thought it must have been a harbour seal but someone told me it was bigger than a harbour seal so it must have been the Loch Ness Monster. I got me mobile phone out to take a video of it in case it ordered some nachos, but I never did quite see it after that. But I’m sure it was Nessie!” Restaurant workers tried to catch “Nessie” with a giant butterfly net, but were unable to do so and Nessie continues to be the mystery that she has been for so many years. It is not clear how the Loch Ness Monster got inside the restaurant, but there is some speculation that someone left the door open in an attempt to let a rat out of the kitchen. The manager was interviewed and explained that it may have been the Loch Ness Monster but it is also quite possible that it was simply a tree frog that lost its way. Restaurant goers were all escorted to the hospital so they could be examined for lasting effects of fear but only two uptight bitches were asked to stay overnight. They have both been lobotomized in an effort to help them forget that awful day they were in a restaurant when a tree frog/Loch Ness Monster ruined their day.