Category Archives: Uncategorized

Woman Does Not Understand Opening and Closing Times

When did it become my job to scour Facebook in search of restaurants with one-star reviews for stupid reasons? Is this what my life has become? Am I really that petty?

Yes. Yes, I am.

I take it as an opportunity to educate non-restaurant people to the ways of our world. We expect that customers would understand certain aspects of dining out, but that would mean that our customers have common sense and we all know that is very often not the case. Today’s offender is Bridget who left a bad review for Hose 22 in Rochester, New York:

I would love to be giving this place 5 stars right now! My boyfriend and I stopped here for drinks about a year ago and loved it! So, I planned surprise trip for Father’s Day for him and his son today. We arrive at approximately 11:15 to doors open, however get told upon walking in that they don’t open until 1130. We say “well it’s only 15 minutes”. The response we got was “you have 18 minutes”.

Now I’m sorry but that is poor customer service! At the very least you invite your customer in to have a drink and wait for the server to seat you! Not sit at your laptop with doors open turning people away.

Needless to say we are eating at Shamrock Jack’s where we were welcomed with open arms….5 minutes before opening I might add!

Your loss!

The place doesn’t open until 11:30 and Bridget showed up at 11:15 and could not understand why they were not ready to serve her. It matters not that the doors were unlocked, Bridget. What does matter is the opening and closing time. If you go there before they are open for business, it is not their responsibility to adjust their hours of operation to satisfy your eagerness to eat. That’s not poor customer service, that’s doing business. Your suggestion that they invite you inside to have a drink and wait the 15 minutes is also ridiculous, because who do you think is going to serve that drink? A server, that’s who. And that server is still not in the right frame of mind to serve you. Those last fifteen minutes before the restaurant opens are precious to us. That’s when we eat our breakfast, talk to our co-workers, check our cell phones before we put them away for the entirety of our shift, and question our life choices. It is not when we suddenly decide to start work earlier than required.

Imagine, Bridget, that you are at your overnight shift at the meat processing plant and your shift is to begin at 1:00AM. At 12:45, in waltzes a whole brood of chickens who are ready to be turned into chicken nuggets. You’re all, “Hold up, hens. My shift doesn’t start for fifteen minutes, come back later.” And the chickens are all, “Bawk, bawk mother fucker, we’re ready to be processed now. Pluck me, bitch!” I know what would you do, Bridget. You would explain to the chickens that if they want to be processed at your factory, they’d have to wait fifteen minutes and if they didn’t want to wait they could head on down to Shamrock Jack’s Processing Plant where they would greet those needy chickens with open arms.

Lesson of the day: Pay attention to the hours of operation. They exist for a reason.

Waitress Puts Hot Dog in Her Vagina Before Serving It

Okay, prepare yourselves for the most atrocious act I have ever seen or heard of a server doing. Many, many people sent this video to me and I originally decided not to share it because, quite frankly, it’s disgusting and I didn’t want to give the general public any more reason to think that we servers are lowlife scum bags. However, after seeing how many people had already shared it, I figured why not?


We don’t know who this waitress is or where she works. All we know is that it appears that she stuffed a hot dog up her va-jay-jay before smothering that hot dog in ketchup and then presumably serving it to a customer. Ummm, they ordered a hot dog, not a Wiener Wrap with a side of sauce.

While I 100% do not condone this behavior even in the slightest, I must admit that it’s rather fascinating to watch how far a server will go just to get revenge on a customer. Or at least I assume it’s revenge. I mean, what does a customer have to say to a waitress that will make her angry enough to shove a processed meat stick up her Fetus Flap?

If you are ever upset enough with a customer that you feel the need to shove food up your own body before serving that food, let me give you some advice: don’t fucking do that! It’s not worth it. No matter how awful the customer is to you, they will be out of your life within an hour. Please, for the sake of the hot dog and your own vagina, don’t do it. If that isn’t enough, just remember that every time you put a hot dog up your Sausage Wallet, you’re tarnishing the reputation of every other server in the world.

Also, to that guy in the blue shirt: you just barely missed the show of a lifetime.

Daily Horoscope; Waiter/Waitress Edition

Aries (March 21-April 19)
You are enthusiastic and goal driven, but today will test you. A customer will crush your enthusiasm with their oppressive need for all things in a hurry and your only goal will be to get the fuck out of the restaurant as soon as possible. Make sure you have an extra apron on hand because the stars are pointing toward a major ketchup spill sometime this afternoon.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Heed the warning of the moon today, stubborn bull. You might be focused on making money but the moon has other ideas. Specifically, an idea about one of your customers leaving you a 5% tip even though you gave them perfect service. Brush it off and look to your next table who will more than make up for it. They’ll be a pain in the ass, but worth it. Also, be nice to the kitchen.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Today is a day to put your speaking skills to work because no one in your section is going to know what the hell they want to order even though they will stare at their menus for ten minutes. You know you have two personalities, so use one of them to coax an order from them and then use your other personality to call them a dumbass when you get to the sidestand!

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You always like to keep people guessing and today is no different. When your boss asks you how you are, don’t answer. Just smile. And then frown. And then smile again. Your inconsistent nature will win out when your boss stops talking to you which is exactly what you wanted in the first fucking place.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You know you love yourself, but pull away from the mirror for three minutes to pay attention to a table today who will want to give you a special compliment. Brace yourself, because it’s going to be a backhanded compliment, but take it anyway. And then fart as you walk away.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You do this every day anyway because you like to be organized and analytical, but write down your orders today because someone will question what you serve them. And then you can look at your order pad and say, “No, bitch. I wrote that shit down.” And is that a love interest in the kitchen or just someone who wants you to go get them a Coke?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Almost everyone gets along with you, Libra, but don’t take that for granted. Beware of a coupon-carrying old man who is going to decide he does not like you when you explain to him that his coupon is just as expired as his right to keep on breathing. Don’t let it get you down. He’ll kick the bucket eventually and then everyone in the world will like you again. Smile even though it’s fake.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Your intense nature will serve you well today when a coworker questions your work ethic. All you need to do in order to answer that question is stare at them, your eyes boring a hole right through their soul until they sulk away like the asshole coward they are. You’re used to treating people with loyalty and kindness, but that person can eat a bag dicks.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Try to get some extra sleep before you go to work today because you will need more than your normally positive outlook to get through the shit show the stars have planned for you today. And if you can’t get in a nap, do a shot of tequila. Seriously. Today is going to suck ass. Call out if you can.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Your active mind and your need to be in control is flying out the window today thanks to Jupiter being all up in Uranus today. Take notice of a customer with blond hair who can change the direction of your day. It might not be the direction you want, but it’s better than what Uranus has in mind.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
It’s a good thing you don’t care what others think about you because someone in your section today plans on writing a shitty Yelp review about you. But then you will characteristically take that opportunity and run with it by sending that bad review to Bitchy Waiter who will consequently rip them a new asshole. Lucky number: 9!

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You are a very good friend and an even better listener, but you will not want to hear what one of your tables is going to want to order today. They won’t look at the menu and they will be allergic to every single thing you have to offer. Fear not. The walk-in is your friend. Go in there and scream until you feel better and then go serve that bitch a bowl of ice cubes.

If Your Birthday Is Today
Big fucking deal. What do you expect, a free dessert or a bunch of random strangers to stand around and sing to you? Nobody cares about your birthday except you and a few friends of yours who will call you or text you out of obligation. Happy birthday.

Want to sign up for your daily horoscope from Bitchy Waiter? Click here!

Christopher Had a Really Bad Time at Olive Garden

We all know how much customers love to exaggerate in order to prove their point. How many times have we heard someone ask for bread right away because they are “starving?” Or what about that customer who told you the food tasted “disgusting” even though they ate two-thirds of it? Our newest exaggerator is Christopher who went to Olive Garden and had “the absolute worst dining experience” of his life. Of your life, Christopher? Let’s assume you are 35 years old. That would mean you have been complaining on this earth for 12,775 days and have had about 38,325 meals. But this one meal at Olive Garden was worse than the other 38,324. Uh huh. Sure. Right. Lets’ break this down:

Just had the absolute worst dining experience of my life at your Whitehall PA location. Not only did we wait 2 hours to get drinks, they didn’t even bring my wife her glass of wine she ordered. Really? So you sat there for two hours, enough time to watch “You Don’t Mess With the Zohan” (112 minutes) and no one ever brought you your drink? Lies, lies!

My end of the table received zero salad and bread sticks. Did you ever consider asking for more breadsticks and salad? There are other magic words you could have used on the people at your table. You might want to write this down, because it could be very helpful in the future. “Hey, (insert name of friend here), can you please pass me the (insert name of item you would like here)? Thank you.

My waitress never came back to the table after giving us drinks until it was time to order. Well, there really isn’t much of a need for her to be there after she delivers your drinks and before you order. What’s she supposed to do, stand there and watch you sound out the words on the menu?

We then told her we need wine bread sticks and salad. Good for you! You asked for something you needed rather than assumed she could read your mind. (It would be a short read…)

She then shows up over 45 minutes later with our 20 dollar a piece entres in plastic bowls. 45 minutes?? That is ridiculous! Unheard of! Oh, wait, is this another one of those exaggerations you’re so good at, Christopher? And why would she put your food in plastic bowls? I call bullshit on this one.

At this moment I stood up, got my family together and told the manager on the way out we weren’t satisfied and all I received from him was attitude.

The manager

I refused to pay for anything and left.

The staff

I need to know which bill for my wasted time. I am self employed and I don’t allow my time to be wasted. You think you can bill someone for your time because you are self-employed? You’re not an attorney on retainer, Christopher. Get over yourself.

At 8:16pm, the good folks at the Olive Garden Facebook page asked him to reach out to them so they could blow some smoke up his ass/give him a gift card. This, just three minutes after he aired his grievance. Christopher replied at 8:30pm telling them he had sent them the private message they had requested. They thanked him at 8:34pm and told him they will be in touch. Four minutes later, Christopher replied again: “I’m waiting.” Don’t you get the idea that Christopher is that guy who stares at the phone waiting for it to ring or watches a pot waiting for it to boil? It’s been four fucking minutes, Christopher.

At 8:32pm, while he not-so-patiently waited for an email from Olive Garden, he wrote more:

Worst part is after 3 hours I’m still hungry, ALSO we had a party of 18. Of course you’re still hungry. You walked out when they supposedly brought your food in plastic bowls. You can’t blame Olive Garden for your hunger anymore than you can blame Applebee’s for that rash between your legs.

I would like to thank you for ruining what was supposed to be a great night and a wonderful business opportunity but thanks to the service I received I believe your establishment may have cost me a few thousand dollars in new work tonight. So now it’s a business dinner? You already said you were there with your family. More lies, Christopher?

By now, I am sure he has received the gift card he wanted so badly and he can go back soon to stuff his gut with pasta and cheese. I just hope he remembers the next time to pay special attention to the details. That way, when he writes his next bad review he can do a better job than he did on this piece of shit.

Here’s What Endless Apps at Friday’s is Really Like for Servers

I get a lot of emails and messages from people who share with me the woes of their restaurants. This week, a server who shall remain anonymous, sent me a message about how awful it is to work at TGI Friday’s as the Endless Apps promotion continues to chip away at her sanity, patience and pocketbook. As I read her story, I knew that her firsthand account of the experience would be better than my secondhand version of it, so please enjoy this rant from a server who is in the trenches at Friday’s.

The past few weeks have been a living hell and show that Friday’s does not give a flying fuck about their employees. I don’t even know how they make money off this slightly-better-than-average buffet, that drives the most awful clientele, because that’s exactly what it is. Let me provide some examples. Last week, a 20-top walked in… to celebrate their friend getting out of prison. (I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried). Now, in a normal restaurant that actually doesn’t want their employees to work for free, this wouldn’t be “as bad” because you could add gratuity. But Friday’s (along with other shitty chains, I assume) have eliminated gratuity so this table was the epitome of a server’s nightmare. Naturally, they all came in for endless apps, which my store now allows the customer to pick two apps for the first round. So this poor server rings in 40 APPETIZERS at once, and we have 2 fryers. Ultimately, she made $4 off this table and therefore literally paid out of pocket to wait on jailbird and his friends.

Last night, I waited on a table of 15 preteen/ teenage boys from a baseball team. I went up to the table, introduced myself, no acknowledgment, so I yelled across the table “is anyone NOT getting water or endless apps?” All waters, all endless, which obviously distracted me from my other tables whose endless apps went 25 minutes because they were stuck behind 30 endless apps from these kids’ table. What should have been a $450 check was ultimately around $160. I actually made $25 off the table (how sad is it that I was pleasantly surprised by that). I have never felt the urge to yell at a 13 year old before that table last night. The best part was, their parents sat at the bar and drank while they watched their kids turn the dining side into a fucking zoo, and didn’t even pay for their kids. (Honestly, after dealing with these kids, I don’t blame their parents for needing a drink.) My pre-comp (pre-endless discount) sales last night were $1,500, and I walked with $160, mainly because I had some really decent tippers earlier in the night.

So, in sum, servers are basically making %10 (if they’re lucky) off their actual sales, doing twice the work, making half the money, and the clientele we’re serving is declining, it’s actually embarrassing to work there anymore. I honestly feel like I work at a glorified Golden Corral or something.

Website Throws Server Under the Bus and It’s All Lies

You know I am always here to stand up for the rights of a server. I am also the first person to take a server down who does something wrong or immoral, like stealing tips or committing credit card fraud to get more money. An article caught my attention because of the headline, “Waitress Commits Tip Fraud, Steals From Veteran.” At first glance, it is very clear that the server is in the wrong. The story is about a veteran named Doug Woodward from Colorado Springs who claimed his server changed the credit card tip on the three separate occasions when he went to Texas Roadhouse.

“Bad waitress,” I thought. “Why would you make us all look so bad?”

The man tells his story to a TV station (KXRM), Texas Roadhouse apologizes to him and gives him a full refund on the meals and the server is fired.

It isn’t until word number 417 out of a 466 word article that we realize the truth:

KXRM ultimately reported that Woodward was found to have scammed the restaurant by altering the bill himself.“Sadly, we have discovered this was a scam. We have rehired the server, banned this gentleman for life from any Texas Roadhouse and are considering legal action,” the restaurant said in a statement.

Wait, what? This asshole Dog Woodward scammed the restaurant by changing his own tip receipts to a lesser amount and made it look like the waitress charged him more than he wanted to tip. Okay, so he’s an asshole, we get it. But you know who the bigger asshole is? The author of this article, Sean Kelly, for creating a headline that makes it look the server was wrong when it was actually the fucking customer. What the fucking hell?

And then the article gets shared on a Facebook page called Proud to be an American that has almost five million followers on it. Of course they also spin it to make it seem as if the server was wrong and not the asshole veteran. (Sorry, but just because you served our country doesn’t exempt you from being an asshole.) “Man Sick When He Gets Home And Sees What Server Did To Him 3 Times After Discovering He’s A Veteran.” Umm, the waitress didn’t do anything to this dick and it especially had nothing to do with him being a veteran. This is total bullshit and I, as a server, do not appreciate it.

Here’s what I want you guys to do. Go to the Facebook post and leave a comment about how misleading the headline is. Then go to the article and tell them the same thing. They knowingly threw this server under the bus and are trying to make it look as if this veteran was taken advantage of when the truth is the exact opposite. You can certainly be proud to be an American, but there is no need to lie about a server just to uphold the dignity of a veteran who is a lying sack of Texas Roadhouse garbage.