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Someone Needs Me To Educate Them About Closing Time

bitchLots of people feel the need to come to my Facebook page and explain how they feel they were mistreated in a restaurant. Maybe they are looking for sympathy and maybe they are looking for an explanation but they may not always get what they are looking for. Last week, a woman named Kathryn (who shall remain last-nameless since some people are fine putting their opinion on a public page but then have a change of heart when more people see it than they expected) dragged her ass over to the Bitchy Waiter page to complain about the overall laziness of servers. Hint: if you want me to take your side, maybe don’t start by calling servers lazy.

“It gets annoying how lazy servers can get. Like when we go out for brunch. Apparently, we were there three minutes after they technically stopped serving it and the server was pretty snobby about it.”

Needing clarification before I formed an opinion, I asked Kathryn for more information. I wanted to know if she meant that she had enjoyed brunch and three minutes after closing time they were rushing her out or did she mean that she asked to be seated three minutes after they had stopped serving. She confirmed that they were seated three minutes after brunch.

Bitch, please.

If anyone is lazy in this situation, it’s you since you couldn’t manage to get your ass to brunch before three or four fucking o’clock. If you know brunch is over at a certain time, why do you think it’s alright for you to be served after that time? And by the way, saying “technically stopped serving” doesn’t make the closing time any different. If brunch is over at 3:00, it’s over at 3:00. There’s nothing “technical” about it. So, yeah, maybe that server was a bit snobby because she had probably already been at work for seven hours and now your ass shows up for some goddamn french toast and mimosas and you’re going to make her stay there an hour longer and probably leave her a crap tip because she didn’t greet you with enthusiasm. Fuck you, Kathryn.

“Little did she know that I was friends with her boss. So I flat out told her “I don’t think so. Why don’t you go ask your manger! K, hun? Our server was rather disappointing that the manager sides with us, but that’s how you run a business in customer service. Not by coddling the help.”

Oh, so because you know the manager that makes you immune to things like manners, courtesy and closing times? You must have felt real proud that you convinced your “friend” the manager to keep brunch running a little while longer. And just so you know, it wasn’t just your server who hated you; it was also the busser, the food runner and the entire kitchen crew. Of course the server was disappointed (I assume that’s what you meant to say, right? Or was she both disappointed and disappointing?) because now she has two people to hate at the end of her shift: you and her spineless manager. I don’t think closing at closing time is “coddling the help.” I think that’s called running a business efficiently. And by referring to employees as “the help” only solidifies my opinion that you are a huge pain in the ass.

Here’s is some advice, Kathryn.

  • If a restaurant is closed or they have stopped serving, deal with it. You probably had six or seven hours you could have gone in to eat, but you waited too late. You’re wrong.
  • Any time a customer says they “know the owner” all that does is instantly make your server think less of you. Don’t depend on your relationship with the owner to make up for your lack of couth.
  • If you say something to your server like “I don’t think so, why don’t you go ask your manager! K, hun,” I’m pretty sure you’re a bitch and you have probably, at one time or another, eaten some boogers and cum.
  • If you want sympathy for your restaurant experience, do not come to a page called Bitchy Waiter and expect to find it. 9 times out of 10 I’m going to be on the side of the server.
  • Never ever refer to us as “the help.” Who do you think you are, Miss Daisy?

If you like this bitchy ass blog, then you will love my bitchy ass book coming out in April. Click here to preorder it on Amazon.

9 Things You Will Only Understand if You Work in a Restaurant


  1. You never, ever go into a restaurant to eat 15 minutes before they close. 1
  2. You don’t just randomly pull tables together without asking a server or hostess first. 2
  3. A walk-in refrigerator can be a very wonderful place.3
  4. If your server fucks up, he was probably just having a bad night and you tip him 20% anyway.4
  5. Sometimes restaurants are out of things and it’s totally no big deal. 5
  6. Just because you work hard doesn’t necessarily mean you will make a lot of money. 6
  7. But, sometimes you an make a lot of money without even trying. 7
  8. If it’s not on the menu you can’t have it. 8
  9. Five wonderful words: dead food in the window. 9If you like this list, then you should go to Amazon and preorder my book. Don’t worry, it’s a cheap. Click here.

Customer SUFFERS at Applebee’s and It’s Awful For Her

applebeesIf ever I don’t have something to write about, all I need to do is look at the Facebook page of a chain restaurant and something there will ignite my flame of bitchiness. In today’s case, we have a woman named Mardi complaining to Applebee’s about how they were told they would have to wait up to thirty minutes before being given a table even though she counted at least four or five tables that were empty. The kitchen was behind so the restaurant was doing the responsible thing by slowing down the seating.

“Stupidest reason to loose customers!!! WE HAD TO SUFFER BY STANDING until they caught up?!?!!”

Mardi simply could not understand such reasoning, so she left Applebee’s and went to O’Charley’s instead where she was happy, well fed and satiated in much the same way a baby calf feels as it rests in a cage being force fed milk and fat not knowing it will soon be covered in parmigiana and hanging out next to a side of spaghetti. The experience also confirmed for Mardi that she will never enter another Applebee’s for as long as she lives. (#applebeessucks #boycottApplebees). That sound you just heard was every server at Applebee’s collectively breathing out a sigh of relief and that smell that just hit your olfactory senses was the result of every server at O’ Charley’s regurgitating last night’s shift meal at the thought of having to serve her again.

Clearly, Mardi has never worked in a restaurant and I would like to educate her. (I have decided to leave Mardi’s name visible since she posted her comment to a public page.) Mardi, here is the deal:

Just because you see an empty table at a restaurant, that does not necessarily mean that it is available for seating. There is, in fact, a method to the madness. A restaurant may have 60 tables in total and on Friday and Saturday, all 60 of them may be used at one time. This would mean that there could be as many as twelve servers, each one responsible for five tables. But what happens on Tuesday night when it’s not as busy? There will still be 60 tables, but the restaurant may only have six servers that night, each one now responsible for ten tables with the understanding that it is highly unlikely that all 60 tables will be seated at the same time seeing it’s a Tuesday. But what if, for some reason, a Tuesday ends up being like a Friday or Saturday? Well, the six servers are trying to take care of the same amount of customers that normally twelve servers do and it can get a little bit crazy. And when that happens, the kitchen gets behind and the manager has to slow down the seating rotation in order to get things back under control.

This is where you come in, Mardi. When the hostess told you it may be thirty minutes for a table to be ready and you had to suffer the intolerable event of standing for a whole half hour, it would have been worse for you if they seated you and then you waited at the table for thirty minutes before a server was ready to help you. You’d be all, “I can’t believe I have been sitting here for thirty minutes and no one has taken my order yet! This is horrible! My ass is falling asleep! I can’t wait to Yelp about this!”

When they told you it would be half an hour for a table, what they were doing was giving you a realistic expectation. Seating you immediately would give you the impression that you were going to be served soon and you would have been disappointed when it didn’t happen. Basically, they were doing you a favor by having you wait so that when they did seat you, they would be ready to give you the service you expected.

In other words, chill the fuck out. Sometimes restaurants are busy. Sometimes you have to wait for a table. Sometimes you have to stand while you wait and sometimes that makes your cankles get bigger. If you like O’Charley’s so much better, keep on going there. Applebee’s might not want to “loose” customers, but if the customer is a pain in the ass, they might be willing to let her go.

And now you know.

If you like this bitchy blog, you will love my book coming out in April.

Click here to preorder it at Amazon.

One Million Moms Thinks Olive Garden Loves Satan

devilBrace yourselves, because I am about to do something I never thought would happen: I am standing up for Olive Garden! The organization known as One Million Moms (which is actually about 10,000 moms, each with 100 different email addresses) has taken their latest dump into the toilet bowl of dissatisfaction and fished out the brownest piece of poo they want to focus their attention on. They have determined that a new FOX TV show called “Lucifer” is pure filth and anyone who watches it or supports it should go straight to hell in a hand basket. (According to Wikipedia, the series focuses on Lucifer Morningstar, who is bored and unhappy as the Lord of Hell and resigns his throne and abandons his kingdom for the beauty of Los Angeles where he gets his kicks helping the LAPD punish criminals.) And since Olive Garden airs commercials during the TV show, One Million Moms is encouraging people to boycott the restaurant. Nevermind that thousands of women across the country won’t know where else to go for their wedding anniversary, 50th birthday party or date night, this is about keeping our media clean and Christian for the children of the world and if it means you have to give up breadsticks, then so be it.

On their Facebook page (you can go look at it here, it’s hilarious; tell them I said said to eat me because I would love to have a Facebook war with those crazy bitches), they created a call to action asking their members to contact Olive Garden to express their disappointment. If you take a gander at the Olive Garden Facebook page, there’s a lot of butthurt about how horrible it is that such a family-friendly restaurant would support a show about THE DEVIL! It’s ironic really, because I’m pretty sure that when I finally descend to the depths of hell, I will be greeted by an Olive Garden hostess standing at a podium who will inform me that it will be somewhere between 20-30 minutes before they can cast me into the river of fire. And then when I meet Satan himself, you know he’s going to be wearing a “I ♥ Darden” t-shirt.

Screen Shot 2016-01-28 at 3.27.06 PMScreen Shot 2016-01-28 at 3.27.45 PMScreen Shot 2016-01-28 at 3.28.20 PM

Anyhoo, does One Million Moms have nothing better to do than to boycott Olive Garden? If they are so upset with the show, why not boycott the actual TV show itself by not watching it? Or, better yet, why not boycott Fox? Their decision to never eat another order of Sausage Stuffed Giant Rigatoni at Olive Garden may be backfiring on One Million Moms because I’ll bet that every server at Olive Garden is thanking the sweet baby Jesus that those women aren’t in their sections anymore.

To Olive Garden I say this: you do you. If you want to show your commercials during a TV show about a hot sexy Lucifer you go right ahead. For all I care, Lucifer can be having sex with a breadstick in a Bonnie Franklin wig and sleeping on a bed of fettuccine. They are your advertising dollars to spend as you see fit.

To One Million Moms I say this: bitches, please. You have every right to crave a landscape of innocence on your TV screen, but if you see something you don’t like, just don’t fucking watch it. Cover your puritan eyes with a veil of lace and change the channel to Lifetime and watch a movie about a husband cheating on his wife because she’s a crazy right-wing conservative who has pushed him away too many times. (Too close to home?)

To myself I say this: I can’t believe you are defending the rights of Olive Garden. I am very disappointed in you.

Finally, if you like this blog I hope you will swing over to Amazon and preorder my book that comes out in April. CLICK HERE.

Yet Another Yelp Reviewer Gets Skewered By Restaurant Owner

2016 continues to be the year that restaurant owners are making Yelp their bitch. It’s almost like owners across the country have collectively agreed to stand up to the Yelpers and make sure that other people know when a review is unjustified. Such is the case with a restaurant called Milestone in El Dorado, California when a woman named Gretchen V. sharted up a review on Yelp about what she perceived to be a less-than-ideal dinner experience. Gretchen V. was so displeased with her Steak Diane that she lost all ability to form correct sentences and forgot what punctuation is, because reading parts of her review is like trying to decipher hieroglyphics with the Rosetta Stone. Screen Shot 2016-01-27 at 5.52.09 PMThe first time she got her panties in a twist (like she wears ‘em) was when her entree came out before she finished her salad. The horror! Even though the manager offered to keep the plates warm in the kitchen Gretchen V. refused and then when she thought the steak was only lukewarm and they offered to remake the dinner, she refused again. We all know why she refused: because then she wouldn’t have anything to complain about. Gretchen V. also complained that her waitress never came back to check on her and was still unsatisfied even when the entrees were taken off the bill.

Enter Nick D., the business owner who is going to explain to Gretchen V. what is wrong with her review. “Your service will, more often than not, be a reflection of your own attitude and energy,” he tells her and the she just doesn’t “get it.” He also tells her that after it was clear that Gretchen was never going to be satisfied (“Tell me about it,” says Gretchen’s husband), the waitress (and everyone else) was told to simply ignore the table and use the positive attention on people in the restaurant who were happy to be there. Screen Shot 2016-01-27 at 5.52.32 PMI kinda love that he instructed all the service staff to avoid her table which was probably pretty easy to do, what with the overwhelming stench of vinegar that was probably emanating from her every orifice. He also straight out tells her she is “not at all kind” which, in my experience may or may not be corporate speak for “you are a miserable person.” Finally, he tells her that, although she would be willing to come back to try the burger or the fried chicken, to not bother.

Bravo, Nick D., bravo. Why shouldn’t business owners defend their online reputation? Milestone has great reviews on Yelp and he wants anyone who sees her shitty two-star review to understand that the problem was with her and not the restaurant. If this is the new trend for Yelp, I am all for it. Here is Milestone’s Facebook page in case you want to pop over and say hello. I’m sure they’d love to hear from you.

As for Gretchen V., I suggest she saves her complaints for big corporate restaurant chains who are more than willing to jump through hoops and bend over backwards in effort to please a bitch. If she complains on the right Facebook page, maybe she’ll even get a coupon for a free dessert from Applebee’s.

9 Signs That You’re the Kind of Server Customers Find Annoying AF


  1. You crouch down beside the table when you take the order. 1
  2. When someone has cleaned their plate you say something goofy like, “Gosh, we won’t even have to send that one through the dishwasher.”2
  3. You sign your checks with a smiley face, flowers, a rainbow or any other kind of cute little drawing.3
  4. When your customer asks you to take their picture, you secretly take a selfie. 4
  5. You say “Are you still working on that?” when you want to know if they are finished eating or not. 5
  6. You refill their iced tea or coffee before they need it, therefore ruining the perfect balance of their sweetener.6
  7. You interject your opinion into their conversation that you are 100% not a part of. 7
  8. You use the word “madame.” 8
  9. You hover at the table and ask how everything is every three minutes when you know perfectly well everything is fine but you think that by asking them often it will make them think you’re attentive when really it annoys the fuck out of them and it makes them hate your ass face.8Also, you can preorder my book by clicking here.