Category Archives: Uncategorized

Restaurant Owner Teaches Customer a Lesson Via Yelp

Screen Shot 2016-06-23 at 9.47.08 AMAs Yelp continues its descent down a long, bumpy, rusty slide into a pool of irrelevancy, more and more restaurant owners are realizing they have no fucks left to give when it comes to people leaving bad reviews about their restaurants. Case in point: the owner of a Vietnamese restaurant called Pho Linh in Quincy, Massachusetts.

Last week, a customer named Mary needed to take a dump but when she couldn’t find a restroom to her liking she decided to use Yelp as her toilet and diarrheaed out a review about her meal instead. She says the atmosphere is “fine” and seems rather disappointed that there aren’t enough booths to sit in. She is also not impressed with the lighting or the parking options. Already, it sounds like Mary needs to stay in her little bubble at home where she has soft-lighting, an atmosphere to her liking, a banquette in the kitchen and her own private garage. She goes on to compliment the waitress calling her “beautiful visually.” Not that a server’s appearance should ever affect a review, but I wonder why Mary had to specify that her beauty was visual. Maybe the waitress is beautiful on the inside too, Mary, did you ever think of that?

Mary’s real problem was with the ordering. In fact, it was downright “P R O B L EM- A T I C.” She did not appreciate having to recite her order multiple times and she was also upset that the food came out “peace-meal.” (I think she meant “piecemeal.”) I can see how that may be confusing, but it has been my experience in many Asian restaurants that the food comes out when it is ready and not necessarily all at the same time.

But here’s where we truly know that the problem is with Mary and no one else. She freely admits to waving her credit card in the air to indicate she is ready for her check. Does Mary not understand how fucking annoying and rude that is? She claims the waitress did not show up to her table for five minutes. Five whole minutes. Now that may not seem like a long time to most of us, but I guess if you are an ancient fossil on your last dying breath, five minutes can be the difference between dying at a table in a restaurant (not a booth) or dying in the parking lot on your way to your car. She saw her waitress in the kitchen who was “dancing, joking and cavorting.” This is when Mary pulled out her cane and “hobbled” over to teach her a lesson: “if the waitress wants to play with others, she should take care of her customers first.” The apology from the waitress was not enough to keep Mary from leaving a 1-star review.

Enter Tam, the owner of the business who responded to Mary’s review. He calls her out on her bad behavior and, in the snarkiest backhanded compliment ever, thanks her for giving him such a wonderful teaching moment for his staff:

I’ve reiterated to them many times that out of 100 patrons, there will be 1 or 2 who are unreasonable and are generally unpleasant. Your dismissive, disrespectful, holier-than-thou, and overall sense of entitlement provide a shining example of the type of patron that is, quite frankly, too good for our middling establishment.

Ouch. Someone go get some aloe vera gel for Mary to rub on that burn, ‘cause that’s gotta hurt. Tam then goes downstairs to dry storage to get some salt that he now wants to rub into Mary’s wound:

I often preach to my staff to do whatever it takes to ensure our guests have a pleasant dining experience.  With that being said, I would never want to subject my staff to a person of your quality.  Thank you for teaching us this invaluable lesson.

Basically, Tam just issued a big ol’ “Bye, Felicia” to Mary and told her to not come back.


Listen customers, if you’re gonna be a pain in the ass and treat the staff with disrespect, most restaurants are going to be more than happy when you say you will never come back. Like Tam said, out of 100 people, there are just a couple who suck. If you don’t come back, there are 98 or 99 others who will and those are the ones we want to serve. All of you “Mary’s” can stay the fuck at home.

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Allow Me To Introduce The Biggest Bitch In All the Land

MjAxNC0xOGFhNTQ5ZGMyMGYzMTAwThere are a lot of bitches in this world and I’m pretty sure about 90% of them live in the New York City area. Of that 90%, about 75% of them have sat in my section. Well, now is your chance to meet the biggest bitch in all the land. And, no, I’m not talking about this chick who is perfectly content announcing to the world that she never tips. I’m talking about me.

Yes, I am having another book reading and signing, so if you are in desperate need to see a 49-year-old man try to read a story while wearing adult braces, now is your chance. Well, if you feel like dragging your ass over to Jersey City, that is. Anyone who goes will have the chance to win a totally free book. (That’s to get the cheap bitches to come out.) Only one person will walk away with the free book, but everyone who shows up will walk away with a severe feeling of disappointment after meeting me and realizing that I’m much more entertaining on the Internet.

Join me, won’t you? Here is the link with all the information.

Tuesday, June 28th 7:30 PM
Word Bookstore
123 Newark Ave
Jersey City, NJ 07302

You can take the Path train to the Grove St.


A Comment on Comments; the “Your Job Is Easy” Edition

comment-cardAlmost a year ago, I wrote a blog post called “Watch Out, Someone Thinks My Job Isn’t Real.” It was a warmly written, heartfelt, feel good piece about how people who think waiting tables isn’t a real job can go fuck themselves with a rusty teaspoon that was used to keep Table 30 on the patio from wobbling. Well, one comment arrived a few days ago that needs some attention. Someone named Bob pulled an old piece of toilet paper out of his ass and read it like a fortune cookie:

Literally the easiest job on the planet, and the Biggest whiners ever. I worked as a server for 2 months before I found a better one when I was 17, and all I heard when the other servers were in the back was a bunch of bitch. About everything. 60% of what servers do is stand around.

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Oh, Bob, Dear, sweet, Bob who shits out fortune cookie blog post comments, what can I say? I can this: you’re an asshole. I don’t consider waiting tables “literally the easiest job on the planet.” I have had a lot of jobs in my life and I can say that being manager of Putt-Putt in Denver was easier than waiting tables. I would also suspect that reading old blog posts and then leaving poorly written comments can be considered easier too, but since you don’t get paid to do that, we can hardly call it a job, can we? Waiting tables is not as hard as working in a coal mine or harvesting cotton, of course, but it’s no walk in the park or sitting behind a counter and giving people coupons when they get a hole-in-one. Serving can be strenuous, exhausting work and many a time after a 12-hour shift, my body has ached to the point of needing a rub down of Icy Hot®.

Yes, servers may whine about their job, but everyone fucking whines about their job. I bet even the vice-president of Svedka whines every once in a while. It’s what people do to vent and make themselves be able to face their customers and co-workers. A bunch of co-workers complaining about something can practically be considered “team building.” And if you are going to complain about a website called “Bitchy Waiter” because there is a waiter bitching, then you need to move your mouse up to the top left corner of this computer window and click the fuck out of here.

So, you worked as a server for two whole months until you found a “better one.” A better what? A better job? Seeing that you were only 17 at the time, I would guess that your “better one” was working at Wal-Mart or some other retail job. Don’t try to pretend that at the ripe old age of 17, you filled out an application for vice-president of Svedka vodka and they hired you. (Seriously, that’s my dream job.)

As for standing around 60% of the time, your numbers are off. We stand around 100% of the time, because we are not allowed to sit down. And if you are implying that we are only working 40% of the time we are at work, you’re wrong about that too. When I am the only server with no busser or food runner and I have a full restaurant, I wish I could work only 40% of the time, but I can’t. My job is to make sure people have a great dining experience and that involves me taking their order, conveying it to the kitchen, bringing the food, clearing their plates, resetting that table, all the while, keeping glasses full, my sidestand stocked, the restaurant clean and a goddam smile on my face 100% of the time.

Why don’t you go find a bag of dicks and choke on about 60% of them? Thank you for your comment.

Waitress Unhappy to Receive “Best Butt” Award?

Screen Shot 2016-06-17 at 9.10.02 AMA waitress in Southport, Indiana is upset that she was given an award at her job at Scotty’s Brewhouse. While some people got “Best Bartender”or “Best Server,” the unidentified waitress got the award for “Best Butt.”

“I feel like I’m more than just a butt,” she said. “I feel like I’m smart, I’m going to school.”

She was given the award at an event in front of co-workers and the woman is so offended that she is considering filing a complaint with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC). She is also waiting for an apology from her employers at Scotty’s Brewhouse or the corporate HR department. You know, if I was embarrassed about getting an award for my butt, the first thing I would NOT do is call the local news crew and have them do a story about it, but whatever.

Bless her heart. While I can understand how degraded she must have felt with all of her co-workers admiring her derrière as she accepted her award, I can’t help but (butt?) be jealous of her. As a 49-year old, I long for the days when anyone even realized I had an ass. If I was given an award for “Best Butt,” I would be calling the local news organizations too, but for a completely different reason:

Hello Fox 59? It’s me, Bitchy Waiter. Guess what! I just won an award because people like my ass! Can you believe it? I’m so excited. No one has complimented it since the mid 90‘s. So anyway, when do you want to come over and photograph it? I’m free right now and for the rest of my life until you agree to come over and do a news story about my fabulous ass. Yeah, I’m a good waiter too, but my ass can run circles around my waiting skills. I must admit that I am waiting for an apology from the HR department for not giving me this award sooner. I mean, wait until you see my ass. It’s amazing.

Full disclosure: In 2007, I did a photo shoot for a toilet campaign, They took a picture of my butt and it ended up on their website and even on a billboard in Times Square. A church in the neighborhood got offended and sued to have it taken down, but for a few short weeks, I mooned Times Square. My butt is the third and fifth one. Yes, this is true.2007_06_totobutt

Drunk Customer Leaves $1000 Tip, Asks For It Back the Next Day

Photo33-36.jpg=450So did you hear the story about the customer who left a $1000 tip for his server and then dragged his sorry ass back to the restaurant the next day to ask for it back because he was drunk when he did it? Yeah, that happened.

A server at Edgewater, Colorado’s Thailiciois restaurant got his hopes way up when he saw $1088 cash in the check presenter for a $60 check. When the owner got wind of the massive tip, she suggested that it be held for a while in case the guy came back regretting his decision. Well, that’s exactly what happened and the restaurant gave the money back to the man, proving that they are better than I am.

And here are 10 things I would have said if the man came into my restaurant asking for his $1000 tip back he had left me the night before:

  1. I’m sorry, we were closed last night. You must have the wrong restaurant.
  2. Yo no hablo inglés.
  3. Can you please keep your voice down? I am so hungover from last night because I drank my ass off celebrating a huge tip that some drunk idiot gave me.
  4. If you would like to appeal the tip you left last night, I will need you to have your attorney reach out to my attorney because that money is already in my bank account.
  5. I can’t hear what you’re saying because I am wearing my brand new Beats by Dr. Dre with portable bluetooth speaker and Beats studio wireless headphones in Gloss Gold and encrusted with diamonds.
  6. I don’t know what you are talking about, now get the fuck out before I call the police.
  7. Oh, I’m so glad you came back. We thought you left too much money so we saved it for you. Here it is: $200.
  8. Oh you must have left that tip with the other server who used to work here but quit about two minutes ago.
  9. Yeah, I’ve made some bad decisions when I was drunk too, but we deal with those decisions and learn from them, right? Hey, let me show you my Jiminy Cricket tattoo that I got when I was 20 years old and drunk in San Diego. Wish I could take that decision back, but I can’t.
  10. Buh bye. giphy

Seriously, good job to the staff at Thailicious for their honesty and integrity. Stop by their Facebook page and congratulate them.


I Bring Food For My Kid Into Restaurants and I Don’t Care What You Think

83a23880-85ae-43a4-80c4-b742523b4b5bAn article on a website called She Knows has been brought to my attention and I feel it needs to be addressed. A few days ago, a writer sneezed while she was holding in a fart and later that night, when she looked in her underwear, she discovered a story called “No, It’s Not Rude To Bring Your Own Food to a Restaurant When You Have Kids.” She immediately pulled that story out of her panties and posted it on the web. And, yes it is rude.

The gist of the article is that the the woman and her husband like to go out to dinner with their kids, but they resent having to go to “family friendly” places like “Red Robin, IHOP and Olive Garden.” However, when they go get Japanese hibachi, seafood or Mexican food, their four-year-old son doesn’t like anything on the menu. Her solution: bring him a grilled cheese sandwich, milk, pickles and apples. She admits to getting “a handful of stares, a few dirty looks,” and I bet most of those come from the people who work in the restaurant. You wanna know why? Because it’s rude.

I get that Mom and Dad are sick of going to places that offer chicken fingers and pasta with butter just so their kid can be placated with food. I can also understand how tempting it might be to bring food to another restaurant so that you can enjoy family time someplace other than Applebee’s. Here’s the deal though: restaurants serve food and they don’t appreciate people bringing in their own. It sorta defeats the purpose of there being a restaurant. When a couple decides to fertilize an egg with a sprinkling of sperm, not only is that the moment that a beautiful life begins, but it is also the moment that they have to give up certain things because now they are parents. Maybe it’s frustrating to go to an upscale restaurant and not see anything on the menu your toddler wants, but did it ever occur to you that maybe the reason the restaurant doesn’t offer chicken fingers and the hostess didn’t give you crayons is because they don’t want kids there? Hmmm, I bet you didn’t think of that did you?

I suppose the other option is to convince the kid to eat the things you like. If you only offer him grilled cheese and chicken fingers he’s only ever going to want grilled cheese and chicken fingers. I have been working in the same restaurant for over five years and have a family that comes in regularly. When their youngest daughter was about 5, I was always impressed that she ate salmon or cod for dinner. I remarked to the mother how rare that is to see and she told me, “Oh, I don’t want my kids to grow up eating mac and cheese for dinner every night, so we’ve always fed them what we like to eat.” This family was in the restaurant last week and that 10-year-old ordered mussels and green beans. The writer/mom says that when her son is 12, she will no longer appease his picky eating habits, but does she think that on his 12th birthday, he’s going to wake up suddenly craving foie gras and squab? Doubtful.

Look, it’s not the end of the world to bring food into the restaurant for your kid. Depending on the state, it might be considered a health code violation and depending on the restaurant they may or may not be okay with it. But to declare it’s not rude is wrong. It is rude. It’s entitled, self-serving and you know it. If you admit to to the stares and then tell us it’s okay to call you rude, this tells me that you know it’s wrong. Maybe the name of the article is wrong too. I suggest this: “I Bring Food For My Kid Into Restaurants and I Don’t Care What You Think.”

Here is the article on their Facebook page. Go check it out and tell me (and them) what you think.