Category Archives: Uncategorized

Waitress Kicks the Ass of Man Who Gropes Her

Every so often, the restaurant gods bestow upon us a savior; a hero in an apron who reminds us all that servers are not people to be fucked with. A video posted on Reddit this week introduces us to one of these heroes. We know not her name, her restaurant or the city in which she resides, but we do know one thing; she is a fucking bad ass. The headline of the Reddit post is all we need to know:

My cousin takes down this pervert for grabbing her ass. He is later arrested in front if his wife and 2 kids when the cops arrive.

Too often, I hear from female servers who are groped, hit upon, felt up and demeaned by sleazy men who think they have the right to treat a women any way they want. Well, this guy picked the wrong waitress to demean, because she doesn’t hesitate to put him in his place. With catlike reflexes she grabs his collar and brigs him down.

Whoever you are, hero waitress, thank you. Thank you for reminding customers that just because we are serving them doesn’t mean they own us. And thank you for encouraging other waitresses to release their inner bad ass when someone treats them poorly. You have earned all of my respect.

And to the guy in the red shirt with the wandering hands: I hope the shame you feel from this viral video teaches you a lesson. I hope your wife used this humiliating experience as a teaching moment for your two children to make sure they know how NOT to treat a woman. That is the one good thing that come from seeing their daddy arrested for being a sleazeball asshole.

Buy my book, The Bitchy Waiter, by clicking here. 

Little Girls Steals Tip and Gets Publicly Shamed For It

A restaurant in Mansfield, Texas is publicly shaming a little girl who stole a tip from a table and it was all caught on surveillance video. (Video below)

I am living for it.

The owner of Our Place Restaurant, Benji Arslanovski, has no regrets saying, “That’s the only tool we have to catch those people. So we’re going to use it. It’s not okay, but we’ll give you the benefit of the doubt to make it right. Our rule is if you come pay for it today or the next day, we’ll take the video off.” This is not the first time he has done this.

The video clearly shows the child thief in action, picking up the $5 bill off the table and then hiding it under her menu when the waitress approaches. You know that little girl knew what she was doing was wrong because why else would she hide it? It also appears as if she shows her mom the money. Well, when Benji saw that video footage, he posted it on the restaurant’s Facebook page (click here if you want to give them some support for sticking up for their servers)  and what do you know? The next day the mom came back with the five bucks claiming she didn’t know it had happened and she thought her daughter got the money from her piggy bank. Uh huh. Yeah. Right, Mom.

Whether the mom knew about her juvenile delinquent daughter or not, it’s clear that the little girl is a lying, thieving, no-good, con artist with no soul and no future other than that of stealing hubcaps and selling loose cigarettes in front of the 7-11. She’s nothing but an alley cat, dirty rat, double crosser. Then again, she’s only four years old, so maybe there’s hope.

I just want to take a hot minute to thank Benji for looking out for his staff. He knows that servers in Texas only make $2.13 an hour and that tips are the livelihood of anyone who wears an apron for a living. If a person chooses to not tip, well, that’s their prerogative, However, if someone steals a tip that was left by someone else, that’s straight up bullshit and that person deserves to be shamed, even if it’s a little girl. As for the Mom, I hope she finds a way to turn her daughter around and get her on the straight and narrow path of honesty.

Keep up the great work, Benji.

The Most Millennial Thing Ever To Happen is Happening

A Long Island City, Queens entrepreneur is taking a current food trend to a whole new level by opening a restaurant based entirely on the popular super food avocado. Millennial Eva Cano-Tosté, 27, hopes to see The Avocado Cafe open for business by Labor Day of this year. Says the budding restaurateur, “I just love avocado toast so much and all of my friends do too, so I figured why not?” After securing a financial loan from from her father and promptly quitting her barista job at Starbucks, she began developing the menu with friend, chef and business partner Thomas Haas. When questioned about the viability of a menu focused only on avocados, Haas is certain that the food is versatile enough to create a wide ranging menu.
Expect to see seven different kinds of guacamole, twelve kinds of avocado toast on varying types of bread bought from Whole Foods, an avocado salad featuring grapefruit, sprouts and  and sunflower seeds, avocado grilled cheese, an avocado burger, peanut butter and avocado jelly sandwich, avocado pizza, macaroni and avocado, avocado and grits, and your choice of avocado “steaks” that can be grilled, fried, broiled, poached, steamed, fricasseed, pan-seared, or baked in a wood-burning oven. Each avocado steak will be served with avocado chips but avocado fries can be substituted for a $7.95 upcharge. Also featured will be avocado sushi.
“It’s an ancient technique passed down to me from a Japanese chef I met in Williamsburg who only teaches it to one person every ten years,” explains Chef Haas. “I slice the avocado very thinly and then roll it up in some organic vegan rice paper with some wasabi sauce and poppy seeds and serve it with the pit that has been carved into the shape of a panda bear. It’s awesome.”
Cano-Tosté will take care of the front of house duties, serving as manager and hostess. “Each table will be served complimentary avocado-infused water and instead of bread, we will offer avocado chips which will also be complimentary. However, each guest will be charged a $3.50 avocado processing fee.”
The avocado is the focus of the restaurant right down to the restrooms. Each toilet will shaped like an avocado and the walls will be covered with a custom wallpaper made from avocado peels imported from Brazil.
“The wallpaper is going to be gorgeous,” say Haas. “It’s also very, very expensive which is why the restroom will have a $5 service charge to use it, but pissing into the avocado toilet is going to be totally worth it. It’s gonna be awesome.”
The Avocado Cafe expects to open their doors by Labor Day. For more information, you can go to their website by clicking here.

There’s a Special Place in Hell For Some Restaurant Customers

There is a special place in hell for customers who come into the restaurant moments before closing time. Especially the ones who know that it closes at 10:00 and show up at 9:58, all out of breath because they sprinted just so they could squeak in right before the doors are locked for the evening. And when they do it, they always look so smug and proud of themselves like they are expecting a goddamn participation trophy for showing up. “Whew, we just made it,” they always say, solidifying the fact that they have no care or concern about those of us who will now have to stay at work and wait on their sorry asses. That place in hell is even more special for the people who do it when the restaurant is completely empty, therefore keeping an entire staff solely for them. These are the people who think the world revolves around them and who only care about their own needs. Now, before someone jumps down my throat about closing times and how restaurants should just have different times for last seatings and for the kitchen closing, let me say this: bite me. This is my blog and I can bitch about what I want and how I want. 

This happens to all of us and you know what we do when it happens? We deal with it. We slap that fake ass grin onto our faces and pray that they aren’t going to order the roasted chicken or something else that will take more than twenty minutes to prepare. We visualize that they don’t want appetizers or desserts and we hope to god they don’t want any fucking coffee because that shit got dumped fifteen minutes ago. And we cannot be held responsible for how we feel if they order a cappuccino. But still, we deal with it. We can complain about it to our coworker, bitch about it to the kitchen, fart all around their table and write a blog post about them, but it’s our job to serve them even when they show up right before closing time. But these customers will have a special place in hell when they show up there and the devil will be so excited to seat them.

Satan: Welcome to hell! Are you one of the people who showed up to restaurants right before closing time?

Karen: Well, that happened once, but it was an accident.

Satan: Lies! I saw you that time, Karen. You ran a red light and then took up two parking spaces because you didn’t think you had time to park like a regular human being. Then you raced to the front door of Chili’s at 9:57 knowing you only had three minutes to get your fat foot into the door.

Karen: You saw that?

Satan: I see everything, Karen! I also know about all the times you peeled off the organic stickers from the avocados at Whole Foods and then replaced them with the stickers from the non-organic avocados. 

Karen: But avocado toast gets so expensive!

Satan: I have a special place for you here in hell and you’re gonna love it. It’s right back there by the toilets and underneath the ceiling fan. You’ll be at a two-top but you’ll be seated with 49 other people. The toilet is literally part of the table and the wi-fi password is THERE-IS-NO-WIFI-IN-HELL. Your waitress will be Ava Braun who has a mad case of diarrhea and will be using you table-toilet with much frequency.

Karen: There are ceiling fans here in hell? Well, that doesn’t sound so bad.

Satan: Bitch, the ceiling fans in hell don’t blow air, they blow fire so say goodbye to those wonky ass eyebrows and put on some fucking sunscreen. Enjoy your stay.

Karen: By the way, I’m gluten free.

Satan: I know. That’s why your waitress will be force-feeding you a gluten smoothie as soon as she’s done taking a dump. Bye, girl.

Customers, if you’re going to stay in a restaurant after it’s closed, at least try to speed it up a little bit. And tip us nicely.