Category Archives: Moe Howard

A Revelation!

Today is May 22, 2011. It looks like we all survived The Rapture yesterday. It was supposed to occur at 6:00 PM in New York City and I had a shift scheduled for 7:00. Since I always put 100% of my faith in 89 year old crazy evangelists, I totally assumed that I would not have to go to work last night. By 6:30, it seemed like I better get my ass in gear and iron my uniform. And when I say “iron” I mean, pull it out of the dirty clothes hamper and smooth it out after scraping all the dried food off of it. I was totally rushed and barely got to work on time. Thanks a lot, Rapture. You totally suck. When I got there, I was told that our head chef didn’t show up for work, so I was to be prepared for a clusterfuck of an evening. My first thought was that he had been taken unto the bosom of Christ, but it turns out that he is sorta a loser and probably just got too drunk to bother with employment. A real pro. My station was already sat. My first table had two of the brattiest children I have ever seen. Another table had a two senior citizens who immediately ordered hot teas and my other table asked for separate checks before I even said hello. “Maybe the Rapture did occur, ” I thought. “Is this is my own personal hell?” When one of the kids threw his sippy cup onto the floor spilling his milk all over the fucking place I was pretty certain that this was in fact Hades. This was no ordinary brat. This was the spawn of the devil sitting at booth number seven and it was my eternal destiny to constantly pick up crap off the floor after he continually throws it there.

The kitchen was slower than Abe Vigoda trying to get an erection and it was a constant battle to get a dessert out of there without it taking more than 15 minutes. And this was a slow night. It seemed like a Tuesday shift, not a Saturday. Perhaps people had really expected Judgement Day and that is why no one came into the restaurant last night. Had people barricaded themselves in their bunkers and basements and just stayed there all night? Had the rain from the afternoon kept people from wanting to venture out into the evening? Possibly, but my guess is that everyone stayed home to watch Pretty in Pink that was on Nickelodeon last night. How can you resist the temptation of Molly Ringwald and Jon Cryer (in his pre-Two and a Half Men days).

The evening plodded on without any major disruptions other than slow kitchen times. I had one table of four ask me to please leave a pitcher of water on the table because they were all heavy drinkers. Of water. I acquiesced because I aim to please. It was also going to be easier than filling water glasses every thirty seconds. All of a sudden Moe takes it off the table and chastises me because it “looks bad.” Moe is not my boss. He is not a manager. He is a waiter, just like me. I always ignore him but last night I actually stood up to him. “They want it there, Moe. They drink a lot of water.” I said.
“Well, you should just keep filling it up then.”
“They want it there, Moe.”
“But it looks bad.”
“Moe. Listen to me. They asked for a pitcher of water for the table and I gave it to them. If that’s what they want, they can have it.”
“Leave. The. Pitcher. Moe. Done. Got it?”

Moe sculked off and I patted myself on the back for finally letting this guy know he needs to keep out of my face. It was my on little rapturous redemption. So maybe God didn’t come down and swoop folks up to Heaven with him, but in my own little world, there was a revelation. It felt nice to let my balls out a bit. For ten weeks, I have been the “new guy” and didn’t want to ruffle the feathers of the people who have been there for years. But last night, I stood my ground and maybe Moe will now leave me the fuck alone. It may not be the end of the world but it’s quite possibly a new beginning.

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I Want to Poke Moe in the Eyes With a Fork

I am blogging a fine line when talking about my new job, but I just can’t not do it. It’s in my blood. It’s in my veins and my heart and the tiny little capillaries in my eyes that are especially noticeable today from too much drinking. I work with someone I shall refer to as Moe. Not because his name is Moe or because he has an unfortunate haircut, but because I want to poke him in the eyes with my fingers and then hold his nose with my left hand and swing my right arm around and slap my hand from his face. He makes me that crazy. All day, he constantly follows me and makes sure I am doing everything right. He gets all up in my station and deals with my tables which I do not like at all. I also think it’s confusing for a customer when they have more than one waiter helping them. I had a table last night that had an empty glass of water on it because the man had told me he didn’t want any more water. But Moe sees it and thinks I am being a lazy insolent waiter and grabs the pitcher and runs over to fill the glass. I saw him go up to one of my tables and recite the dessert specials even though I had already done it and was seconds away from bringing them their cake. He’ll tell me that a table needs more bread as I am already walking to the bread station to get it. It’s freaking annoying, but what can I do? I’m the new guy and he has been there for about four score and seven years. Maybe he is just making sure I am doing as fine a job as he is, but from what I have seen, I wouldn’t want him as my server. I have yet to see him smile and he starts telling the specials as people are taking off their coats. Dude, slow the hell down. I know our goal is to “turn ’em and burn ’em” but let the folks at least sit down a second. I have also noticed that as soon as they put the last bite of entree in their mouth, he spews out dessert specials. Slow the fuck down.

One night Moe had picked up the check from one of my tables to run the credit card because he thought he was helping me and I guess I was moving way too slow. He handed me their check and told me they had paid half in cash and half on the card. I took it to the table and said good night to them. They left no tip that I saw, so I assumed that they had already given it to Moe with the cash. Since we pool, I didn’t worry about it. A few minutes later he came up to me. “Did they leave a tip??” “No,” I said. “They didn’t already give it to you when they gave you the cash?” Moe got all upset and was like, “No! They paid $46 on the card and paid the other $46 in cash. They gave me sixty dollars so I gave them back fourteen in change. Did you ask them if there was a problem with the service?” Well, no asshole, I didn’t because I didn’t know they were stiffing us since you were all up in my business. I know what happened though. They were three women chatting and they just weren’t paying attention. I heard one of them say “we already took care of it” so maybe they thought the way they divided it up had included the tip. It didn’t, but since I didn’t know what was going on, I never questioned it. Moe was all pissy but what the fuck was I supposed to do? Had he just let me deal with MY table from beginning to end, it could have been avoided. And now he probably thinks I gave them shitty service or I pocketed the tip or I am clueless when really, it’s his fault.

So, Moe. Keep your stubby hands off my tables. I’ve been waiting tables since The Flintstones so I have plenty of experience. You know that part in the opening credits of The Flintstones when the waitress brings out the huge rack of ribs and it flips the car? That waitress is me. In drag. And I was a cartoon. Yes, I have been waiting tables since dinosaur days. If Moe doesn’t back off, this Curly is gonna get all up in his face and Shemp his Larry ass.

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