Category Archives: John Castle CEO

And Now a Word From Mr. Burns

I can’t stop writing about the multi-millionaire John Castle who allegedly broke the finger of his waiter, Paul Kucik, when Kucik brought the check to Castle’s table. Read about it all here. So far, I have been on the side of the waiter, but in an effort to play fair and in light of new news claiming that Kucik is a convicted fraudster, this post will be from the point of view of John Castle himself. I got a hold of his diary and found the entry for the night that it all went down. His diary has My Little Pony on it and he writes in big flowery cursive.

(Lawyers of John Castle, please note: I am making this shit up so get over yourselves.)

January 7, 2012

Dear Diary,

After an exhausting day on the yacht with all the underprivileged orphans I sponsored for the day, I took the wife to dinner tonight at Club Colette. I picked out all of her clothes for her and she looked positively fabulous. It has been a while since we have eaten there but I was happy to see that the wait staff was the same as it was the last time we had the pleasure of dining at Club Colette. They are so wonderful and attentive, especially our waiter Paul. I sure do like that Paul. His smile is so sweet and sincere and his fingernails are always impeccable. When we got there, they had our regular table ready and I gave the host a $100 tip for his trouble. Golly, I’m generous! The host is named Albert and he looks like a mature Zac Efron. Really very friendly. I love his dimples, hee hee! I ordered a Fruity Patootey Cosmo (pomegranate vodka with lime juice, pineapple and a pink paper umbrella!) and my wife had a beer. (Gross. Gag me with a spoon, ha ha ha!)

Throughout the night, people kept coming up to me and thanking me for various reasons. One lady was thanking me for the monetary donation I made to her school for the blind and another woman thanked me for the hours I volunteered at the food pantry and then a man I HAVE NEVER MET came up and thanked me for something that he said occurred in the rest stop on Highway 95 at the North Congress Avenue exit. I have no idea what he was talking about. I repeat: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT! I AM MARRIED! Anyways, back to my dinner at the club. Everything was just okey dokey until the very end when Paul brought me the check. Usually, I just have it added to my account and pay it at the end of the month, but I think my beautiful and gorgeous wife who I love to have sexy time with asked Paul to bring it to the table. I was a teeny tiny bit surprised to see it there, but you know me. I just go with the flow. I’m easy like Sunday morning. No biggie whatsoever. I paid the bill and carried on with my dessert of chocolate pot de creme and fresh whipped cream. Fattening city, but I couldn’t resist. I will just have to work extra hard at my Zumba class tomorrow, huh? Ha ha! Right after Paul left with my credit card, I heard a commotion coming from the kitchen. It sounded like someone was in some kind of pain. A bus boy named Julio (who looks just like Ricky Martin during his “Living La Vida Loca” days!!!!) told me that Paul had smashed his delicate and lithe fingers in a drawer, poor dear. I hope everything is alright. It would really be a shame for Paul to lose the use of those perfectly shaped digits even for just one night. How else would he write his orders and carry food to the table? I’m sure he’s fine and dandy and is back to normal by now. I will send him some flowers tomorrow just to let him know I am thinking of him.

Good night, dear diary. Thank you for listening to me and for always being my best friend.

Love,
Johnny

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Another Broken Finger Update

Yes, another update about the asshole customer, John Castle, who allegedly broke the finger of his server, Paul Kucik when the waiter had the nerve to present the check to him. The waiter sued the asshole customer and now there is word that the asshole customer is counter suing the sever. I won’t get into the details again because you can click the links above to read the original story, but why the hell is this asshole counter suing? One report said that the server was suing for at least $15,000 but the asshole who allegedly broke the finger is a multi-millionaire. Wouldn’t $15,000 be chump change for him? If he is worth $10,000,000 then $15,000 is .15% of his wealth. Let me put into terms we can understand: if we made a $100 and had to tip out .15% to the busser, that would be fifteen whole fucking cents. His wife probably uses $15,000 for her weekly “fresh flowers in the bathroom” budget. He probably has a tie that cost that much money and whenever someone compliments it he says, ‘Oh this old thing? This is what I put on when I don’t care what I look like.” Hey, John Ass’le, we already know you don’t care what you look like, you Mr. Burns doppelgänger, you.

According to reports, both side have witnesses to back up their claim. Allow me to imagine how that might go down.

John Ass’le’s witness on the stand is a 62 year old woman who was dining at the next table:

Yes your honor, I had just put a bite of caviar into my mouth when the incident happened. I could barely see what was going on because I just got an eye lift three weeks before and the skin around my face hadn’t really settled in yet. But from I what I saw, the lowly waiter practically threw the check at my dear friend John Castle. John politely explained to him that he wasn’t ready for the check yet and asked that he just add it to his monthly account. The waiter became very irate at this point. I took another sip of champagne and adjusted my Spanx and the next thing I knew the waiter was howling in misery the same way I do when my maid touches my jewelry box. He was screaming that John had hurt him but I simply don’t believe it. John would never hurt a fly. He is the kindest , sweetest most thoughtful multi-millionaire I have ever met.

Paul Kucik’s witness on the stand is a 38 year old waiter who was also at work that night:

Yes your honor, John Castle is a regular and he is a rude arrogant man who we all hate to serve because he treats us like dirt. I cannot be certain, but I also think he likes the smell of his own farts. His wife asked Paul for the check which is unusual because we normally just add it to the customer’s monthly account. But since she told Paul to give the check to her husband, that’s what he did. Mr. Castle called Paul a schmuck and grabbed the check with his left hand. With his right hand, he squeezed Paul’s hand and then started to bend his fingers back. It wasn’t really that surprising because we all know what a prick he is. Same shit, different day, you know your honor? Paul fell to his knees and that is when Mr. Castle let go of his hand. Paul went to the side stand and his hand was all swelled up like Mrs. Castle’s lips are every other week when she gets her bi-monthly lip injection of virgin sheep collagen. Paul, finished his side work and then punched out and went to the hospital for an x-ray which is when he learned his finger was broken by the biggest asshole who ever comes to our restaurant.

The whole thing will probably be settled out of court unless Mr. Ass’le wants to bury this guy in legal fees simply because he can afford to do it. Why can’t he just admit that he lost his cool and then shell out the money for the guy? This is the kind of person who gives the 1% a bad name. I will try to keep an eye out for updates on the story, but quite frankly, the whole thing pisses me off.

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Update on Broken Finger Waiter

Remember that asshole, John Castle, who broke the finger of his waiter earlier this month? I blogged about it here. Basically, the asshole got all pissed off that his waiter, Paul Kucik brought him his check (how dare he!) and John Ass’le was so incensed that he grabbed the waiter’s hand and ended up breaking his finger. As suspected, the waiter filed a lawsuit. According to the complaint, “Defendant Castle, without provocation or warning, intentionally grabbed Plaintiff Kucik’s left hand and began twisting, bending and squeezing Kucik’s fingers, causing a fracture. Castle’s conduct was of gross and flagrant character, evincing a reckless disregard for the plaintiff’s safety. Defendant also totally looks like Mr. Burns from The Simpson’s and that’s just plain weird.”

Is it John Castle or Mr. Burns?

It looks like the suit is for at least $15,000. I will keep abreast of the situation so that we will know exactly how this goes down. We servers are treated like shit plenty of times but we certainly don’t need to have our fingers broken by every Tom, Dick and Hairless.

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Waiter Has Finger Broken By Asshole Customer

Whenever there is some story in the news that involves a server, people send me the link to make sure I have heard about it. Such is the case with the waiter who had his finger broken by an angry customer. John Castle, 76 and the chairman and CEO of Castle Harlan, a private equity firm was eating at some fancy ass place in Palm Beach called Club Colette. You can click here to see some of the folks who were at the club’s New Year’s Eve party. Most of the pictures are of rich old white men with younger wives who are all pinched, nipped and tucked. I particularly hope that picture #11 is a father and daughter because anything else is just too creepy. Anyhoo, Castle got all pissed off when his waiter brought him the check. Castle allegedly grabbed the hand of the waiter Paul Kucik, and yelled, “You schmuck, why did you bring the bill to the table?” He then proceeded to bend the waiter’s hand and when the server went to a doctor the next day he learned that his fucking finger was broken off. What the hell is that shit? Kucik said that the asshole’s wife had asked for the check to be brought to her husband and he was only doing what he was asked to do. And what kind of question is “Why did you bring the bill to the table?” anyway? The answer to that question is, “Because you have to pay for your fucking food, asswipe.” According to reports, this John Ass’le (see how that rhymes with Castle?) isn’t the friendliest of people. Just looking at the guy you can tell he’s not a people person. He looks like Mr. Burns from The Simpson’s came to life and went out to eat:

One is John Castle and one is Mr. Burns. Eerie, ain’t it?

No charges have been pressed against John Ass’le yet because the waiter has not gone to the police. He’s probably waiting to get some huge settlement instead because, um, duh. He had his finger broken by a rich person. This is America and his ship just came in. Say goodbye to your apron, Paul Kucik, you just won the lottery.

Of course I wasn’t there when this incident allegedly went down so I can only imagine what the waiter said as his finger was broken:

Here you are sir, just as your lovely and not at all overly made-up wife asked, I have your check for you. It was my pleasure serving you this evening- arrgh! That’s my finger sir! You are hurting my finger! It is not meant to bend that way, sir. Oh my God! Someone help me, this asshole is breaking off my fucking finger! And it’s the finger I use to type orders into the computer-my livelihood! I am about to scream! Arrrggh! Oh my God! My finger is now hanging off my hand! It is definitely broken. John Castle, the incredibly rich CEO of an investment firm just assaulted me and broke my finger, oh my God! Call 911! CALL 911! (pause) Wait, don’t call 911, I’m alright, I’m alright. Never mind Does anyone have the name of a good lawyer? And someone do my fucking sidework, I’m outta here, bitches.

Good luck, Paul Kucik. Take this asshole down for all of us who are shit on by people who think they are better than us.

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