Category Archives: dirty

On the Rag


Why is it so freaking hard to find a decent towel to wipe down a table with? Is it that difficult to have towels around? Are towels so fucking valuable that they must be kept under lock and key and only given out when the previous towel is just a bunch of sad tired threads only held together by the omelet they most recently wiped up? At my last job, they were locked in the office because you just know that I wanted to steal a whole bag of them and sell them on the underground black market for dish rags. Or maybe put them on eBay. Yeah, that’s where the real money is for dish rags. You always had to ask the manager to please go get you one. Stingy fuckers. Or sometimes, they just don’t have any, so you keep using the same rag over and over again. Wipe a table? Sure. Wipe a seat? Sure. Wipe an ass? Well, all I have is this one towel, so..okay, sure.

And they always are supposed to be that sanit bucket thing which is totally gross. All it is is a bucket of hot water and bleach, but why the fuck does have to be hot water? It’s not like it stays hot. Within half an hour you are sticking your hands into a bucket of room temperature bleach water that has food floating in it in order to wipe down a table with a towel that is thinner than a goddamn Kleenex. I never put the towel back into the sanit bucket. Fuck that. I don’t need to get my hands all bleachy-smelling and dry just so some customer can have a clean table. I rinse the towel under the faucet and call that shit clean enough.

Or what about when you have the pleasure of working in a restaurant that has real linen napkins instead of paper ones. It’s like an unlimited supply of towels. Grab a dinner napkin, wet it and clean that fucking cappuccino machine. Who cares that the coffee never comes out of the napkin? If they would’ve just had plenty of towels in the first place, it wouldn’t even be an issue. Those dinner napkins get used to wipe down all kinds of crap. If someone spills a soda, you just throw a pile of napkins on it. Is the refrigerator dirty? Hey, wipe it down with a dinner napkin. And then just throw it into the bag to go to the laundry and it will soon be back nice, clean and pressed. It’s ready to sit on the lap of a customer who uses it to gently wipe the sweet mouth of her one year old little girl. The same napkin that only two days ago helped serve as a dam to keep the overflowing toilet water from seeping into the break room.

Order some more towels, managers.

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Lemons Are Dirty, Dirty Things

Dirty lemon bitches

I was at work the other day about to put a lemon wedge onto the glass of someones Diet Coke when I accidentally dropped it and watched the lemon fall to the floor. I sighed and bent down to pick it up to throw it in the trash because it would certainly be unsanitary to give a guest a lemon wedge that had fallen on the floor. I tossed the lemon into the garbage but then I thought about something. It’s not like that lemon was even clean to begin with. No one in a restaurant ever washes the fruit. They just don’t. When I am at home, I scrub the hell out of it because that piece of fruit has been all over the fucking place; in the hands of some migrant worker and then tossed into a bucket and then onto a truck and then into a shipping facility and then onto another truck and then into a grocery store. And you know some of the time it rolls around on the ground. Do you think that shit ever gets washed? Hell no. It’s as dirty as the bottom of a shoe of a man who just peed at a public urinal. But in the restaurant world, we look at that lemon and think, “Meh, clean enough. Slice that bitch up and put it in a drink.”

Am I the only one who believes that the bar fruit in a restaurant is one of the nastiest things on the planets? It’s right up there with that bowl of peanuts that sits on the bar at your favorite dive that everyone eats out of. Germy, nasty, bacteria-ridden, skanky shit. Bon appetite!