Category Archives: Dear Bitchy Waiter

Dear Bitchy Waiter

Dear Bitchy

Dear Bitchy

It has been a very long time since I have written a Dear Bitchy column. Since I can’t think of jack shit to write about and I am ready for a cocktail, I am reaching into the mailbag to find some poor soul who needs my advice. If you feel the need to have your problem solved a by a drunken waiter/blogger, please click here to shoot me an email. All of my advice to you is board certified by food handling professional.

Dear Bitchy,

I’m an eighteen year old college student, and I feel horrible. I was out to dinner with some friends, and I had just given the server my credit card to pay for the bill. We didn’t split the bill, my friends paid me in cash and we had been an all-around undemanding table.  While we were waiting for my card to come back, one of my friends announced some shocking news, and I completely forgot to sign my slip, tip the waiter, or even pick up my card.  I realized this later and went back to sign and tip the waiter, but my card had disappeared.  I checked my card activity, and the last charge was our meal the night before. I feel horrible. Any ideas on how to make it up to the server?

Ashamed

Dear Ashamed,

 

First of all, you must let go of all your feelings of shame. Let me rephrase that: you must let go of your feelings of shame that have anything to do with this particular incident. Save that feeling for other times like when you turn 21 and throw up in a planter outside of a strip club in Puerto Vallerta (been there) or when you decide to have sex with someone and then two weeks later you have a family of crabs living in your underwear (been there). There are lots of opportunities for shame, my dear and this ain’t one of them. You are but a child of eighteen and sttill filled with the wonder and hope that so many of us who are older than you no longer have. Do not let shame and negativity seep into your life  for once it makes an appearnace in your life, it is ever so difficult to push it away. Be not shameful! It sounds to me like you made an honest mistake and then went back to try to fix it. If you went back the next day and left a tip, your server was satisfied. As for your missing credit card, there are a couple of possibilities with that. It is feasible that the server was disappointed that there was no tip or signature and he “accidentally” lost the card in the nearest trash can. It is also possible that it got thrown into the cash register under the drawer with all of the other credit cards that have been left behind and they just couldn’t find it. My vote is the “accidentally lost in the trash can.”
Of course, the one thing we all want to know is what shocking news did your friend announce? What words are so surprising that it makes someone forget to sign a credit card, stiff a server and then leave it all behind? I have some ideas of things that maybe your friend said:
  • I’m pregnant and the father of my baby is that guy I met on craigslist who is a Gemini, likes long walks on the beach, has 27 piercings and a tattoo of Paula Deen on his ass.
  • I think our waiter is The Bitchy Waiter and he seems kinda nice, even if he is a little bit drunk.
  • I have a hedgehog in my vagina.
  • I watched Big Brother last night.
  • My parents told me that I am adopted and my birth mother is Peggy from Mad Men.
  • I am going back to school for a degree in hotel and restaurant management.

Any of those announcements would be enough to unsettle you so that you to forget to sign your credit card slip. If you already tipped the server, there is nothing else to make up. You have done your part. Carry on with your shame-free life and keep on tipping 20%.

Love,

BW

The Bitchy Waiter on Facebook.

The Bitchy Waiter on Twitter.

Dear Bitchy Waiter

Time for another installment of Dear Bitchy, also known as “I Don’t Know What the Fuck to Write About Today.”  Please email me at The Bitchy Waiter if you have a question that needs attention. Or email me to say hello. That’s nice too.

Dear BW,

I have a situation and could use some advice. I recently started a new job where I’m at least ten years older than everyone including my manager. For the first time ever I’m not using my restaurant job as a social outlet. I just don’t have much in common with anyone else there. I like everyone I work with. I just don’t engage much in their small talk or gossip. Yesterday my manager pulled me aside to ask if I was ok. She said everyone was worried that I must have a bad home life since I’m not fun at work. She said I was doing a fantastic job but everyone thought I was stand offish. What should I do?

signed,
Juliet

Dear Juliet,

Please set your glass of Metamucil down, turn up your hearing aid and listen to this. Okay, you won’t be listening to this advice so turn your hearing aid back down and put your bifocals on and read ahead, lady. I know your problem well because I too am the “old one” at one of my jobs. Luckily for me, I have two jobs and at the other one there are people who are even older than me (Hi, Tom! Hi, Eddie!) At the job where I am looked at as the senior, I too tend to not chat a lot with some of the people I work with. I want to talk about The Smiths and they want to talk about Lady Gaga. I like Bewitched while they like Jersey Shore. The gap in age is considerable and almost as wide as the space between Springs1’s ears.  (That was a cheap shot, but I get a kick out of knowing that Springs1 gets a Google alert about herself and then comes here to write a comment and I shut her ass down.)

I embrace the age difference. I commend you for making the conscious decision to set yourself apart from the social dramas that tend to happen at restaurants. As for their small talk and gossip, who cares? If they want to imagine that you have this miserable home life which must be why you choose to not talk to them about who is sleeping with whom and how drunk they all got the night before after closing, let them think it. You don’t go to your job to engage in that shit, you go to your job to do it well and make your money.

One bit of advice though: it may be helpful to play the social game at least a little bit so that if the time comes for you to need to switch shifts with someone you haven’t ostracized yourself so much that no one wants to help you. It’s okay if they think you don’t socialize so much but you don’t want them to think you are so “stand offish” that you’re a bitch.

One final option is to get a job serving in a retirement home so you can surround yourself with elders and you can be the young one again. That way you can talk about how much you love the newest hit singles by Sheena Easton and Dexys Midnight Runners and they will all think you are so cool and hip on the music scene because they only know Benny Goodman and Dinah Shore. The tips may not be so great at a place like that (buffalo nickels and hard candies) but fooling yourself into thinking you’re young again can do wonders for one’s psyche.

Bottom line: don’t worry if they think you’re no fun. One of the benefits of growing older is recognizing that what other people think about us doesn’t matter. Just scream at them to get off of your lawn and go on your merry way, old lady.

Love,
Bitchy Waiter

Click here to follow The Bitchy Waiter on Twitter.
Click here to find The Bitchy Waiter on Facebook.

Dear Abby versus Dear Bitchy Waiter

Thank you to everyone who alerted me to this Dear Abby column that happened over the weekend:

DEAR ABBY: My co-workers and I recently went out to eat and I was put in an awkward situation. One of them announced that I had left a big tip when I paid my bill. Abby, I always leave a generous tip. I was raised well below the poverty line, and my mother’s tips literally determined how much we would be able to eat that day. The co-worker who said it became upset with me and began lecturing me about how “rude” it is to leave a large tip, especially when you’re with other people. She even said it “degrades” the server.

My mom may have raised me differently than most people, but I was taught that it’s OK to leave a big tip as long as you don’t announce it to everyone. Was what I did considered rude? — GENEROUS IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR GENEROUS: No. The person who was rude was your co-worker, for making a spectacle. She probably did it because your tip made hers appear to be stingy. Diners leave tips based upon the quality of the service they receive. If you felt your server merited it, you were right to leave a large tip.

P.S. I have never heard of a server feeling “degraded” because of a large tip. Grateful, yes. Degraded, never!

Of course the response was sweetly written by Dear Abby, but I have my own response that I think is just a little bit better and more to the point:

DEAR GENEROUS: God bless your little pea-picking heart for knowing that servers depend on tips. Your mother must have been a very wise woman and she raised a magnificent child in you. As for your co-worker, she is a tired dried up piece of shit for brains bitch who was totally embarrassed that you made her look like the cheap nasty whore that she is. Maybe she should tie an apron around her waist for a couple of weeks and see what it’s like when someone leaves her a crap tip. Severs do not feel degraded by big tips. Maybe she thinks that it looks like pity or a hand-out when really it is just a customer’s way to say “job well done.” You want to know when servers feel degraded? They feel degraded when customers bark orders at them without ever saying “please” or “thank you.” They feel degraded when they are left a few coins on the table after they have busted their hump to make sure that the meal was everything the customer wanted it to be. They feel degraded when asked “so what’s your real job” or “what’s your back-up plan for your future?”

Leaving a big tip is not rude. Rude is ignoring the server who is trying to set the entree down while the customer is busy taking a fucking picture of his cocktail to send to his Facebook page. Rude is when a customer lets their child run freely around the whole restaurant bothering other guests and making it dangerous for employees who are carrying around big heavy steaming plates of food. Rude is when a customer stays at their table an hour after paying the check making it impossible to turn the table so that the server can actually make money while at work. Leaving a big tip is the opposite of rude.

Generous, you were right in what you did. I hope you left the tip that you wanted to leave and did not let that cheap bitch interfere with your good intentions. As for your friend, I suggest you cut her loose from your life. If she’s just a co-worker, then leave it at that. She is not someone you want to have anything to do with. Nobody likes her and you were probably the last person who could still stand being around her which is another credit to your mother who obviously taught you to respect other people. This person does not deserve respect. All she deserves is a punch in the cunt and a big bag of bed bugs. 

Love,

The Bitchy Waiter

There you have it. Based on this thoughtful response, I should totally have my own syndicated advice column in a magazine. I am so fucking helpful and shit. If you agree, please “like” this and let’s make it happen.

Download The Bitchy Waiter App for Android here.

Click here to follow The Bitchy Waiter on Twitter.
Click here to find The Bitchy Waiter on Facebook.

Dear Bitchy Waiter

Time for another installment of Dear Bitchy. I dug into the mailbag and found this question that perhaps I can shed some light on. You can email me here if you have a question that needs attention. Or email me to say hello. That’s nice too.

Dear Bitchy Waiter,

I work in a fine-dining restaurant in a major city. My boss is always telling me that I come off as arrogant to my coworkers. He says that I like to make people believe that I am smarter than they are. How do I make him understand that this isn’t really my intention, it’s just that I AM smarter than everyone else, and it’s just way too easy to show it? Should I dumb myself down? Should I pretend that I am a completely uneducated redneck in order to make my coworkers feel better about themselves? Please help!

S.B. Cleveland

Dear S.B.,

So, you are smarter than everyone you surround yourself with and people think you are arrogant because of it? I don’t see the problem here. In no way should you dumb yourself down in order to make your co-workers feel better about themselves. Are these co-workers people that you care about or spend time with outside of work? Do any of them have anything to do with your life other than sharing a computer and tray jacks? If the answer to these questions is no, then who gives a fuck, sweetie? I say turn your diploma into a necklace and wear that bitch around your neck. Or have it printed onto fabric and then turn it into an apron. If your co-workers are all as dumb as a bag of hair (stolen from Scott), it’s their issue and not yours. How about a simple “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt? You could wear it underneath your uniform and whenever someone accuses you of being arrogant, simply unbutton enough of your shirt to reveal your innermost thoughts.

Of course if it will make you feel better, you could bring your intelligence down a few pegs. When someone asks if you did your sidework, you can ask them “which side?” Or when the kitchen tells you that the spinach artichoke dip is 86’ed, tell them that it was table table 12 that wanted the dip, and you don’t even have a table 86, duh. If you really want people to think you are stupid, ask to pick up a couple of hostess shifts. That ought to do it. The number one way you can make people at your job question your intelligence is to tell them that you asked me for advice. Once they find that out, it would go something like this:

Waiter: Man, that S.B. thinks she is so smart. She was telling me she watched the Republican debates last night.
Waitress: Like that makes her smart, God, I hate her.
Waiter: And then I saw her doing a crossword puzzle.
Waitress: What an arrogant bitch. Why doesn’t she just do Word Search like everyone else?
Waiter: I know, right? And she doesn’t use a calculator when she does her paper work.
Waitress: What a fucking show off!
Waiter: And she was telling me she liked one of Bitchy Waiter’s post.
Waitress: Wait, she reads Bitchy Waiter? Maybe she’s not as smart as we thought. Bitchy Waiter is a douchebag.

S.B. I hope this helps. I say embrace your big fat brain and make everyone at your job feel stupid around you. If they are stupid, it’s not your fault. So go out there and quite some Friedrich Nietzche and carry around War and Peace. That way when they are talking about the most recent episode of Jersey Shore and talking about the latest issue of Star Magazine, you can rest assured that you are smarter then them and it just doesn’t matter.

Love,
The Bitchy Waiter

You can email me here if you have a question for me.

Dear Bitchy Waiter

Time for another installment of Dear Bitchy. I dug into the mailbag and found this question that perhaps I can shed some light on. You can email me here if you have a question that needs attention. Or email me to say hello. That’s nice too.

Dear Bitchy Waiter,

I work in a restaurant, have been doing the classic rollup for years. The problem is the flap hangs out and doesn’t always keep the silverware tight in the rollup. There was a person I worked with who rolled the silverware so that everything got tucked into the rollup, so it wouldn’t come unwrapped. I can’t remember how he did it!!!!:) Do you know how to do that? If not, where should I look? Signed, David

Dear David,

I do know of this secret technique you speak of. Are you referring to the one where all the corners of the napkin are somehow practically invisible and the rollup remains tight even as it is stacked and then carried to a drawer or bin? The technique was taught to me by a Buddhist monk who lived in a cave in the mountains of the Himalayas. He was on a 40 year vow of silence and all he did was eat, pray, and do rollups. I went to this guru once so he could show me the art of mastering the rollup. Unfortunately, I made a solemn swear to him that I would only pass on his technique to people who worked with me and could volunteer to do my sidework for three weeks in exchange for the coveted information. Sorry, David. Besides, the place I work now is a class act super fancy place that uses paper napkins so I very rarely use the rollup technique anymore. Had you asked me how to wrap to-go item in foil into the shape of swans, geese, elephants, puppies, goldfish, Mariah Carey, antelopes or cantaloupes, I would happily direct you. But you didn’t so I won’t. I did find this video on You Tube that may help you.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bzXZFyxuV5w?rel=0]

And David, I do apologize that I am unable to pass on the information that you need. The monk’s name was MahaThera Sayagi U Ba “Scooter” Khin and I know he would be very disappointed in me if I shared his knowledge. I am sure you understand, right David? If the above video does not help you, I would suggest you take a quick trip over to Asia. There is a La Quinta in the foothills of the Himalayas that has a pretty good rate with a free Continental breakfast. The front desk can direct you to which cave Scooter lives in. He’d love to help you. Tell him I said hello. By the way, if you go, don’t forget that Scooter is on a vow of silence so don’t expect a lot of chit chat. Good luck!

Love,
The Bitchy Waiter

Click here to follow The Bitchy Waiter on Twitter.
Click here to find The Bitchy Waiter on Facebook.

Dear Bitchy Waiter

Time for another installment of Dear Bitchy. I dug into the mailbag and found this question that perhaps I can shed some light on. You can email me here if you have a question that needs attention. Or email me to say hello. That’s nice too.

Dear Bitchy Waiter,

I need your advice. I work at a bar and grill and for whatever reason people constantly ignore the HUGE “please wait to be seated” sign and mosey on in and seat themselves. I have tried very hard to be nice when it does happen but it has become a daily occurrence and I just can’t take it anymore! What would you do?

signed,
Alicia

Dear Alicia,

Oh this problem again, with those stupid buckets of Thousand Island Dressing that we call customers. No matter how HUGE the sign is, they will not read it. They will ignore it the same way they ignore menus, their children and my crushed dreams. I once worked a restaurant with a patio which had a HUGE sign that said, “Please see the hostess if you would like to sit outside.” People constantly sat directly under the sign paying no mind to it. Even if the sign had been lit up with neon and sparklers and had photos of naked men and women on it, they would ignore it. It’s their way.

What can we do? Here is what I suggest: when someone sits down at a table without being seated there by a hostess, ignore the fuck out of them just like they ignored the fuck out of your sign. I have done this many times and it’s very satisfying. When I see someone sit down without the proper protocol, I walk past them continuously until they practically have to pull their arm out of its socket in order to wave at me hard enough to get my attention. They will usually say something all Bucket of Thousand Island Dressing-ish like, “Uh, excuse me, but we don’t have menus.” My reply is then, “Oh, that’s odd. I don’t know why the hostess didn’t give you one when she sat you. I apologize for her behavior, she does this all the time. It may be time to mention it to the manager so they can get someone in here who knows how to do her job. Thank you for bringing it to my attention. I hope she has her resumé up to date because it looks like tonight may be her last night.” And then Thousand Island Family is all, “Oh, well, we sat ourselves…we don’t want her to get fired…uh, we’re sorry, we’re dumb.” Then they feel stupid and like shit and it makes me feel better.

Or maybe after sitting there for ten minutes, they’ll say to me, “Uh, is someone going to take our order??” And then I can reply, “I thought this was so-and-so’s table, have you been waiting long?” And then they will say, Uh, yeah, for like thirty minutes.” And then I say, “He must not realize you are here. Did a hostess seat you or did you seat yourself, because that would make all the difference in the world.” And then they mumble, “Oh, well, we sat ourselves here…” And then I say, “A-ha! Now we know why no one came to take your order. It’s because you sat yourselves. You should always wait to be seated by the hostess so these things don’t happen.”

Basically, there is no way around stupid people ignoring signs and seating themselves so all we can do is try to embarrass them enough so that the next time they will do it correctly. It is highly unlikely that embarrassing them will teach them anything at all, but from our point of view it is immensely satisfying. Try it. You’ll love it.

(Anonymous, this is your cue to tell me that “the customer is always right” and that I should be ashamed of myself for trying to embarrass a guest just to prove a point. But here’s the thing, Anonymous: I don’t care.)

Love,
BW

Please email me here if you have a question for me. I love to help people. It’s in my blood. Also in my blood is a very alcohol content.

Click here to follow The Bitchy Waiter on Twitter.
Click here to find The Bitchy Waiter on Facebook.