Category Archives: Ann B. Davis

Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore. RIP, Ann B. Davis

Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore

Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore

So this Sunday was just an ordinary Sunday of ham and cheese omelets, customers Instagramming their food and me serving coffee that wasn’t hot enough. It all seemed normal enough until I got home from work and looked at Facebook. That is where I found out that Ann B. Davis died. She fell down in the tub, hit her head, went into a coma and then floated off to heaven where she doesn’t have to wear a blue maids uniform anymore. What the fuck? Ann B. Davis is no longer on this earth? No wonder things seem just a little bit sadder today. She played Alice on The Brady Bunch from 1969 until 1974 and sometime during the mid to late 70’s, she captured my heart. I never watched The Brady Bunch when it was on in prime time. I was first captivated when it began playing in reruns and I would catch it after school at 3:30 on some channel that I could only get clearly if the antenna was just right. I don’t know what it was about The Brady Bunch that made me like it so much. It’s not like I was having a horrible childhood and watching their idyllic lives gave me hope that mine would some day be better. My life was good; it was me and my two brothers and our parents, happy and content. But something about The Brady Bunch appealed to me. Maybe it was the fact that they had two-stories in their home and to me that has always epitomized a “dream house.” Perhaps it was that they had brushes with famous people like Joe Namath and Davy Jones. Most likely, it was that they had a maid named Alice.

It’s not that I wanted to have someone living with me who did all the cooking and cleaning, because my Mom already did that for us. (While working full time, by the way, which now I understand was incredibly difficult, but as a kid I simply thought it was no big deal.) Alice was more than a maid. She was a best friend to Greg, Marcia, Peter, Jan, Bobby and Cindy. Later on, Oliver joined the family, but no one really gave a shit about him and I’m sure Alice felt the same way. He was fucking annoying. They all knew they could trust her if they had a problem they couldn’t share with their parents, but more importantly, they knew that she would be making them some pork chops and apple sauce for dinner. The loved Alice, even though we don’t know if they ever allowed her eat and she seemed to be on call 24 hours a day. It was like she was the slave for the Brady’s, but gosh darn-it, they loved their slave. Every once in a while, they would give her the night off and she could go bowling with her boyfriend, Sam the Butcher, and we can only hope that he gave her a special cut of meat if she bowled over a 100.

Alice was cool and if you don’t believe me, how else would you describe this quote from Episode #52, “Juliet is the Sun” when describing Marcia? “I know she’s groovy. You know she’s groovy. But she doesn’t know she’s groovy.” Oh, Alice, you’re so fucking groovy. I also loved her because I know that she cooked some bad ass Mexican food and she described it as coming in “three degrees: hot, very hot  and pass the extinguisher.” I wish I could get a taste of Alice’s enchilada. I recall Alice playing basketball with the boys on more than one occasion which tells me that she didn’t take her job too seriously, but just seriously enough.

I dunno why I’m sad that Ann B. Davis died. I didn’t know her personally. My friend met her once at a church youth camp and I have always been jealous of him for that. I have since come to grips with the fact that some people got to meet Ann B. Davis and some didn’t. I guess I’m sad because I think of Ann B. Davis as eternally 40 years old and quick with the comeback and always prepared for dinner. In reality, she was 88 years when she died. It’s just another reminder that time keeps moving and every day that passes means our youth is just a little bit farther away. Ann B. Davis was 43 years old when The Brady Bunch started. I am older than that now. It seems like only yesterday that I was sitting at 2513 Plover Street in Victoria, Texas watching The Brady Bunch after school. The truth is that was almost 40 years ago. If the next forty years go by as quickly as the last forty did, I better start appreciating what I have in this life. Whenever we lose a beloved TV icon from our childhood, it’s a sobering reminder that time is marching on.

In Ann B. Davis’ honor, I will be having a cocktail tonight and that cocktail will be one that I got from her cookbook. Okay, honestly, it’s just a recipe for lemonade, but I add blueberry vodka:

Lovely Lady Lemonade

1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup hot water
1/2 cup freshly squeezed lemon juice
7 1/2 cups water

Dissolve the sugar in the hot water and allow to cool. Pour the lemon juice, water and sugar mix into a pitcher and stir. Add a shitload of blueberry vodka. Add ice for the best drink on a hot summer day.

Makes 8 servings.

Rest in peace, Ann B. Davis. I hope where ever you are, I hope someone else is making the meatloaf tonight.

Happy Birthday, Ann B. Davis. Make Me a Meatloaf.

Well, I was going to write about one of the performers who sang at the club recently and what a total bitch she was. I mean, can you say Pepé le Pew? Sacre bleu! First, she kicked the other performer out of the one dressing room even though the other performer was singing two and a half hours sooner than Diva Bitch. Her excuse? “But I must put on my face.” Bitch, somebody already put your face on you and it was a doctor at Park and 73rd. And he put it on too tight. I was going to write about how she made us rearrange the whole entire showroom and remove seven tables and fourteen chairs, carrying them downstairs just so she had room “to move around.” I was going to tell you how she was doing her sound check and got upset that the curtains to the showroom were open allowing the people in the lobby to see her before she was ready and how she yelled at me to close the curtain and I yelled back at her that I can’t move tables out of the room if the curtain is closed so if she wants the tables gone then the curtains will have to remain open and how she didn’t understand so I told her two more times and she finally shrugged her shoulders as if to say, “Je ne sais pas. Je suis une fucking bitch hat.” But I don’t have to write about that now because I woke up knowing that today was a very special day. Happy birthday, Ann B. Davis who turns 86 years young today!

How do I love Ann B. Davis? Let me count the ways. She played the best housekeeper in the history of television. I mean it. Her uniform was about the same as Hazel’s but Hazel was a busy body who was always getting up in Mr. Baxter’s business. Alice never did that. Rosie the Robot was a pretty good maid, but she often needed repairing and replacement parts that George Jetson was responsible for. The only time Alice ever needed anything cleaned out, her boyfriend Sam the butcher took care of that. Florence Johnston was a horrible housekeeper and all she ever did was give Mr. and Mrs. Jefferson sass and attitude up on the East Side. Would Alice ever give lip to Mike or Carol? No, she would not. She would only give lip to Sam and he in turn would give her a piece of tube steak. Mrs. Garrett was the maid for the Drummond family but she had no loyalty and as soon as she was offered a job at the Eastland School for Girls she left Arnold, Willis and Kimberly at the drop of a hat leaving them with Adelaide who was then followed by Pearl. Alice would never leave the Brady house. (Well, she did one time but it was brief and a total mistake.) Alice had class, smarts, humor, patience and she made the best damn meatloaf on Clinton Way. The only meatloaf she liked better than her own was Sam’s. She even wrote a cookbook, and yes, I have it. The one recipe I use most often is on page 38 and I want to share it with you.  It is a real recipe, but it’s much better if you add Stoli Blueberry Vodka to it. My drink of choice.

Lovely Lady Lemonade

1/2 cup of sugar
1/2 cup hot water
1/2 cup freshly squeezed lemon juice
7 1/2 cups water

Dissolve the sugar in the hot water and allow to cool. Pour the lemon juice, water and sugar mix into a pitcher and stir. Add ice for the best drink on a hot summer day. Makes 8 servings.

Happy birthday, Ann B. Davis.You’re 86! And I love you.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KqzSDKB9PpU?rel=0]

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Was Alice a Maid or a Waitress?

Ann B. Davis

In honor of Ann B. Davis’ 85th birthday, how can I not post about The Brady Bunch? Alice Nelson is the wind beneath my wings. She is the apple of my eye. She is the maid I never had. Let’s think back to episode #83, “Goodbye, Alice, Hello.” The original air date was November 24, 1972. I was but a wee bitchy waiter then just learning how to carry trays and give attitude to tables. Anyhoo, this is the episode where the Brady kids feel that Alice is a snitch and they don’t trust her anymore. Peter broke a vase and when Carol asked Alice who did it, she told the truth and got Peter into major trouble. Then some other shit happens that makes Marcia and Greg think Alice is wronging them so Alice says “fuck all y’all bitches” and she ups and leaves for a new career. As a waitress. Even though that’s pretty much all she did for the Brady’s anyway. Now I don’t know how much money Mike Brady was paying her ass, but it had to have been more than she was making at The Golden Spoon Cafe (at Fourth and Oak). They only show her working one shift at the cafe but there are only a few tables in there and unless she is working 100 hours a week, it ain’t gonna cut it. Plus all of a sudden she had to start paying rent and buying groceries. She had it pretty good at 4222 Clinton Way when she was living with the kids. True she had to clean up and cook for eight people but she had her own room, didn’t pay rent and got to eat all the leftovers she wanted. Plus the uniform at the Brady residence was way cuter than that piece of shit they made her wear at The Golden Spoon. Who knows, maybe Alice shacked up with her piece of meat, Sam the Butcher during that episode. I mean, how could she quit her job as a maid and then the next day have a new job and an apartment? So the Brady kids feel all bad and shit for making Alice leave and they really hate her replacement, Kay. Kay is all business and won’t even play a game of basketball with the boys when they ask her to. What a bitch, that Kay is. One day Greg, Marcia, Peter, Jan, Bobby and Cindy all go to the restaurant to check on Alice and ask her to please come back home with them. And of course she does. She throws her apron off and hugs them and is so excited that she got her old job back and off they go, leaving The Golden Spoon in a lurch because she was the only waitress and she just leaves in the middle of a shift. She totally burned that bridge and I hope she doesn’t ever need a reference from Mr. Foster (he’s the owner) because he was probably totally pissed off at her for bailing like that. Someone else that was probably royally screwed was Kay. She just started this cushy new job at the Brady’s and then Alice decides she wants her job back, so now Kay is unemployed? I dunno, maybe she can talk to Mr. Foster and pick up some shifts at The Golden Spoon.

The fact that Alice left her waitress job to go back to the kids says a lot about waiting tables. Waiting tables must really really suck if she chooses to be a fucking maid for all those people (and Tiger too) rather than sling hash at The Golden Spoon Cafe. Waiting tables ain’t easy. Go ask Alice. She knows.

Happy birthday, Ann B. Davis!

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