Author Archives: The Bitchy Waiter

About The Bitchy Waiter

I wait tables and bitch about it on my blog, The Bitchy Waiter.

Susan Had a Bad Time at Applebee’s on Her Birthday

Everyone wants their birthday to be as special as it possibly can. After all, not everyone in the world is lucky enough to have a birthday, right? There are only a select few people in the world who know what day they were birthed and those are the fortunate ones who get to celebrate their birthday.

Susan is one of those rare people who has a birthday and in an effort to acknowledge such a special occurrence, she went to Applebee’s on the anniversary of leaving the safety of her mother’s womb. Susan had visions of Neighborhood Nachos with Beef dancing in her head and celebratory servers belting out happy birthday wishes while bestowing upon her endless Blue Ribbon Brownies and Butter Pecan Blondies. Sadly, that’s not what happened.

Its was bad service that she had. And she is not going there anymore.

Applebee’s definitely dropped the birthday ball on this one and because of that, they have lost a valued customer forever. While we do not know for certain what exactly happened to Linda at Applebee’s that she deemed “bad service,” seeing that it was Applebee’s it could have been a myriad of things. From the hostess making Susan wait five minutes until the booth she wanted was cleaned to the server not smiling enough while bring the fifth Diet Coke to the food runner placing an order of Bourbon Street Chicken and Shrimp at the table and forgetting to tell Susan the skillet was hot, it could have literally been anything.

The sad thing is that all of this went down on the most special day of the whole entire year: Susan’s birthday.

On behalf of Applebee’s, even though I have absolutely no affiliation with the company whatsoever, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to Susan for letting her down on her birthday. Since she has already complained on Facebook about her experience, I am sure that an Applebee’s gift card has been hastily sent to her in effort to lure her back to the restaurant. Susan, if you decide to stick to your guns and never go there again. I would like to offer an invitation for you to spend your next birthday at my restaurant in Queens, New York. All I ask is that you give me two to three months notice so that I have time to hire the marching band and have the new red carpet installed in the dining room. I will also need you to submit your shoe size as soon as possible so I may order your custom made glass slippers so you can feel like the true princess you are. In addition to that, I want to make sure the entire restaurant is staffed adequately so we can have at least seven servers on hand to roll your birthday cake out to you.  Also, are you allergic to monkeys, giraffes or elephants? If so, let me know as soon as possible so I can begin my search for hypoallergenic circus animals. Finally, I will need to know how old you are in order to have the correct number of candles and corresponding airplanes that will write out your name in the sky. As soon as you know if/when you will be at my restaurant for your birthday, Susan, please reach out to me by clicking here. I will give you the best service imaginable and make your birthday one you will never forget.

Happy birthday, Susan!

 

Found: the Most Offensive Business Cards Ever

I do not know who created this business card, but I want them to immediately go fuck themselves with a pair of stainless steel tongs that have been sitting in the bread warmer for too long. Sure, maybe it’s only a joke, but there are plenty of people who will buy these cards and then go out of their way to use them.

“Hey, the waitress forgot to bring the fifth lemon for my water. This is the day I can use one of those business cards!” or “I asked for my burger extra-extra well done, but the waiter brought it all burned. Good thing I have these fancy business cards to use!”

No, that’s fucked up. What kind of person goes out of their way to order pre-printed business cards in order to present them to a server when the service falls below expectations? An asshole, that’s who.

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No tip card (link in bio)

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I propose that we print our own business cards to give out to customers who treat us poorly and turn the tables on these bitches. Want some? Click here to order!

asshole business cards

Server Calls Out Customer Who Writes “I Don’t Tip Fags” on Receipt

A waitress named Michelle Crider was working her shift at at the Dash-In restaurant in Fort Wayne, Indiana this week when two men sat in her station and tried to ruin her day by being small-minded, bigoted, assholes. When they left the restaurant, Michelle saw they had not bothered to leave a tip, but they did leave a note on their receipt explaining why they made that decision. Scrawled at the top of the piece of paper were these words: “I don’t tip fags.”

Michelle went home and created a Facebook video explaining what happened and how she wasn’t going to let it upset her. She loves her job, loves the people she works with and is happy in her life. I won’t try to say it better than she did, so please watch this inspiring and completely honest response that she gave. And please watch until the end because the last two seconds are THE BEST:

Ironically, this video came out on the same day that I myself was called a fag on my Facebook page. It doesn’t bother me because people have been calling me names ever since third grade when a bunch of little assholes called me a sissy during a game of kickball, so being called a fag is old news. As a kid, it would make me cry but now it just pisses me off that people still think it’s okay to hate someone just because of who they love. When the guy called me a fag, I originally screenshot the comment and shared it, but my husband (in my same-sex marriage!) convinced me that it was immature, so I took it down. But here it is again with his full name redacted:

You can see how I initially responded to him and here is my additional response to Diz which, although not as thoughtful and well-spoken as Michelle’s video was, is pretty fucking perfect in it’s own way:My job is real t-shirt

If you don’t like gay people, that’s fine, but you don’t need to tell us that you don’t like us. Chances are we know that anyway. Just stay in your teeny, tiny orbit and we’ll stay in ours. I can tell you this though: the orbit that we live in is one that embraces diversity and love and positivity. Our orbit is the one that you will eventually want to live in if you ever want to be truly happy in your life. Until then, go suck on a black hole, assholes.

Oh, and if you want to buy that shirt, here it is.

Bitchy Waiter + Rap Video = THIS

Someone made a rap video about serving and they rapped about me and my book. I’m honored and slightly terrified because I thought the only way Bitchy Waiter would ever be referenced in a song would be in some off-off-Broadway experimental musical theater production that I wrote and produced myself.

 

But thank you to @skottyboyy for the shout out! And if anyone wants to buy my book you can click here.

 

I Just Discovered the Most Adorable Server Books

When I used to work at Bennigan’s back in the early 1890s, we were encouraged to come up with creative “flair” that would allow our true personalities to stand out as we served fried cheese and Monte Cristo sandwiches. I made several of my own aprons out of old fabric scraps my grandma had in a box and I even started making them for my co-workers.

That was so long ago and these days I would never find the time, creative energy or gumption to make my own apron. Besides, Bennigan’s is probably so corporate by now that they want all of their servers to look like identical polyester-wearing robots. However, if you are looking for a way to stand out from the other robo-hos at your job, there are so many server books that let you be unique without having to sew or wrap your corporate issue server book in decorative duct tape and stickers.

ServerBooks.com is a great website with so many cute server books and I wish I had these options back in the day. I have worked at my current restaurant for so long, that I hardly ever bother writing down an order, but I am seriously considering buying this pink sparkly one.Pink Glitter Server Books

That way, even if my personality doesn’t shine at work, at least my server book does.

I’m also eyeing this one with watermelons and pineapples on it because it reminds me of margaritas and piña coladas and if I can’t drink those at work, I at least want to think about them.Cute Summer Server Books for Waitresses

Anywho, I just wanted to put it out there, because whenever I see something that I think y’all might like, I want to share it with you. Check out their server books at www.serverbooks.com and if any of you get one, send me a photo of you using it at work! I’d love to see it.

An Olive Garden Breadstick Bouquet is Happening

Valentine’s Day is just a few days away and if you’re thinking of getting roses or candy for that special someone, you need to reconfigure you ideas for romance. Wake up, bitches. It’s 2019 and the only way to prove your true love is to buy your Valentine a bouquet of Olive Garden breadsticks.

Yes, this a real thing.

It’s not an actual menu item or anything, because even the higher ups at Olive Garden know how bat shit crazy this idea is, but they have created some bouquet wrapping paper that you can print out on your own. Then you have to hop, skip or jump over to your nearest Olive Garden to buy some breadsticks to-go and then wrap up your doughy sticks of love in the wrapping paper. Good luck with that, because if you’re printer is anything like mine, it’s going to come out half-printed, crooked, barely legible and look like crap because you bought the cheapest ream of paper available at Staples. You have six different options of wrapping paper and each and every one of them is cheesier than the Five Cheese Ziti al Forno.

  • Love at first bite.
  • ‘Till the breadsticks run out do us part.
  • We belong together like spaghetti and meatballs.
  • To have and to hold. And most importantly, to eat.
  • Roses are red, violets are blue. Here’s a bouquet of breadsticks I made for you.
  • My love for you is never ending.

Someone in the marketing department went all out with those sayings, but they forgot a few and I would like to offer my suggestions:

  • Each breadstick is a 140 calories. I love you, fat ass.
  • This was cheaper than a dozen long-stem roses.
  • I literally do not care about Valentine’s day at all.
  • Sorry about your yeast infection, but here’s some bread.
  • I’m breaking up with you.
  • My love for you is totally processed.
  • If you like this gift, we were made for each other.

Happy Valentine’s day, everybody. If you want to download the bouquet wrap, here’s the link.

And if you want a much better gift for the love of your life, click here for a personalized Bitchy Waiter video or here for a My Job is Real, My Smile is Fake t-shirt