Author Archives: The Bitchy Waiter

About The Bitchy Waiter

I wait tables and bitch about it on my blog, The Bitchy Waiter.

Woman Only Gets 9 Sweet Potato Tots; World Ends

In my continuing quest to have reviewers remove their stupid 1-star Yelp reviews one by one, today we look to Vilma who is quite upset that she did not get enough sweet potato tots when she ate at Rehab Burger Therapy in Tempe, Arizona. We all know how very important it is to to have a plate of overflowing tots, but Vilma’s plate only had nine of them. Nine tots, people! How can the world continue spinning on its axis when some one as deserving as Vilma only gets nine freaking sweet potato tots onto her plate? According to Vilma’s review, she was “pissed off.” She didn’t notice this travesty until she went to the restroom and saw other customers practically swimming in tots. And then her daughter went to the restroom and noticed the same thing. What do these two women do when they walk to the restroom? Do they stare at every table as they walk to the toilet, counting the number of tater tots on the plates of other customers? Yes, apparently. Vilma did not say anything at the restaurant because she does not “have time to get upset over tater tots.” She does, however, have time to create a Yelp account and write her first review ever.

Vilma, here’s the deal: if you are in dire need of additional sweet potato tots and feel that you have been given short shrift on what you deserve when it comes to carbs, no amount of bad reviews is going to change that. You know what would have changed it? Words. Words that you formed with your own vocal chords and then directed to your server who was in charge of sweet potato tot inventory. It would go something like this:

Vilma: Excuse me, waiter? I can’t help but notice that everyone else has more sweet potato tots than I do. Would it be possible for me to have a few more please?

Waiter: Of course, let me take care of that for you, ma’am. My apologies. I did notice that when you and your daughter were each walking to the restroom that you were both scoping everyone’s plates out. Weird that you had an abacus in your purse so you can keep track of sweet potato tots, but whatever, right? I mean, we all love tots! So it looks like you have nine of them. How many more would you like? Table 12 over there had fourteen tots, so maybe I should bring you five more. But, wait, Table 21 only had eight, so you kinda owe us one. Then again. Table 23 was overflowing with them, so…

Daughter: See? I told you I saw someone overflowing with sweet potato tots!

Vilma: I would like to overflow with sweet potato tots as well. Can you just bring me a whole lot more? Like a lot of them?

Waiter: Oh, I wish I could, really I do. Nothing would give me greater joy than strapping a feeding bag onto your head and watching you inhale three dozen sweet potato tots, but we just used our last feeding bag at Table 28 for the man who needed extra Ranch dressing. Would you mind if I put 36 tots into the blender and then poured them down a funnel that I shove down your throat.

Vilma: That would be fine, thank you so much.

Daughter: No fair! I want a funnel shoved down my throat!

Waiter: I can arrange for something to be shoved down your throat too. Give me one minute.

You see, Vilma? All you had to do was ask. Going home to Yelp and leaving a bad review isn’t going to help you get an unhealthy amount of sweet potato tots into your gut. Next time, rather than using your time to leave a 1-star review, why not just ask the server if they can help you? You’ll be glad you did.

Read Vilma H.‘s review of Rehab Burger Therapy on Yelp

Petty Server Alert

We all have ways of “getting even” with our tables when they upset us somehow. Maybe you are one of those servers who intentionally farts over and over again, each time you pass by them releasing the noxious fumes of that plate of nachos you had on your two minute break in the kitchen. Or perhaps you have had a customer who mistreated you the whole time you were serving them, so you told them that their credit card had been declined even though it hadn’t. (This is especially great when that customer is someone who is making a big deal about paying for everyone and you announce the declined credit card within earshot of the rest of the table.) Maybe just shoving your hands into your apron and furiously flipping them off when you know they can’t see it is enough for you. My point is that we all have things we do to help us feel better about serving an asshole. It won’t change their behavior but it soothes our souls.

I thought I was King of Petty Behavior Land, but then Mae comes along and usurps my throne:

I got something petty for you. When a table stiffs me and they paid with their card and their name is on the slip, I look up their Facebook page and report it as being a fake account.

Damn, Mae. Petty much? What kind of person are you to use your valuable time looking up a perfect stranger on Facebook just so that you can report their page as being fake? Do you really think that is the best thing to do because someone didn’t leave you a tip? And does Facebook even care? What, this person might get a notice from Facebook and then they have to fill out a form or something proving they are a real person? And then maybe that person spends hours wondering who in the world would report their page as being fake. Mae, that is the pettiest, lowest, biggest waste of time I have ever heard of and you know what?

I fucking love it.

Why not have everyone at the restaurant all log into Facebook (on their own time of course, because cell phone use is strictly prohibited while on the floor, right?) and all of you report that account as being fake? That way, maybe Facebook will really take notice of this suspicious account and that cheap asshole will have their account deleted and you can live your life knowing that even though you still didn’t get a tip, at least you made their life inconvenient for a bit of time.

Petty? You bet.

Necessary? Absolutely not.

Worth it? Hell yeah!

If the Kitchen Makes This For You Do NOT Eat It

Once upon a time, there was a restaurant with a bunch of lazy AF servers who never stabbed their tickets after they pulled the food from the window. No matter how much the kitchen crew asked them do it, the servers simply would not.

“I forgot,” they’d say.

“I was in a hurry,” they’d say.

“Next time,” they’d promise.

But still it kept happening. One day, a cook decided to teach them a lesson they would never forget. Knowing that all servers are scavengers for food who will eat anything if it’s placed on a clean plate, this cook came up with an idea.

He gathered several tickets from the window that had not been pulled or stabbed and he carried that pile of grimy, greasy slips of paper over to the fry line. One by one, he dropped those tickets into a bowl of batter and then gently placed these battered tickets into the fryer basket. Slowly, they were lowered into the hot oil and with great joy, he watched those pieces of paper become a deeply satisfying golden brown, curling up like a churro or a sopaipilla. After two minutes, he pulled his new creation out of the oil and plated them onto a pretty triangle-shaped plate. With great care, he drizzled those nasty ass tickets with some chocolate sauce and added a ramekin of raspberry coulis onto the plate to make it look even more inviting. His final step was to create a sign that encouraged the servers to enjoy this tasty treat.

“For everyone,” he scrawled out onto a not-yet-fried ticket and he stood back to watch what would happen.

Servers, having an innate sense of when there is food in the kitchen, came out of the woodwork like cockroaches on bug night.

“Is that for us?” they exclaimed.

“All for you,” said the cook, with a devilish grin. “Enjoy.”

And one by one, he watched those lazy AF servers put these fried tickets into their mouths and begin to chew. It was with great pleasure that he watched them realize they were not eating fried bits of delicious dough, but instead were trying to chew fried scraps of old paper.

“What the fuck is this?” they asked. “Is this paper? Why are you feeding us paper?”

They all stared at this cook who they thought was giving them a special treat for being such wonderful people. Once he had the attention of all the lazy AF servers, he had just three words for them:

“Stab your tickets!”

Thank you to Craig for sending me this photo and telling me this true story.

New Mom Gets Harsh Lesson About Mother’s Day at Restaurants

Mother’s Day was a couple of weeks ago, but some of us are still having the cold sweats and recurring nightmares from that most awful day to serve. Someone else who may still be reliving that day over and over again is a new mom named Stephanie who went to LongHorn Steakhouse to celebrate the fact that another human being came out of her sweet potato pie hole this year. Now Steph, being a new mom and all that, had no idea that everyone else in the world also goes out to eat on Mother’s Day and she was quiet surprised at how long it took for her to get a table. A proper 1-star review ensued.

So for my first Mother’s Day dinner I called ahead at 6:30pm to make a reservation at 7:00pm (which is the earliest they allow call ahead seating). I was told that we were all set for 7pm. When we arrived, we were told it was a 45-50 minute wait. At 7:45 we asked the host how much longer it would be. They then told us it would be another 45 minutes to an hour. A heads up that our wait time doubled would have been nice. When we asked to speak to a manager a young girl who looked like she was the bus boy stated she was and offered no apology or reason. So now we are enjoying dinner at Chili’s across the street.

First off, Steph, LongHorn does not take reservations, it’s simply a call-ahead situation so that they can get a table ready for you IF there is one available. And on Mother’s Day, nothing is available. Ever. It’s one of those things you might not be aware of as a new mom. Secondly, I have a pretty good idea that you did not wait 45 minutes before asking how much longer it would be. I bet it was more like 20 minutes, but it just felt longer because your body was craving some Sweet Corn Fritters, Chili Cheese Fries and Flo’s Filet and Lobster Tail. You know how when you’re hungry, time moves slower? I bet that’s what happened. You probably also had a huge stroller that was blocking the host stand and that, coupled with your newborn screaming, made it seem like 45 minutes. Cmon, Steph, did you exaggerate just a bit?

And that’s when you wanted to see a manager. When women have babies, does the delivery doctor or midwife teach them the phrase “I want to speak to a manger” or is just instinctual? Since the manager was unable to magically create a new booth for you or ask others diners to hurry the fuck up, you were unsatisfied with your option. And what does an entitled new mom do when she has run out of options? She goes to Facebook to write a bad review and insult the appearance of the person who tried to help her. “A young girl who looked like she was the bus boy” isn’t a very nice way to describe someone, Steph. How would you feel if someone described you as “a new mom who looks haggard enough to have birthed a dozen children?” You wouldn’t like that, right?

Eventually, Steph ended up Chili’s across the street where she enjoyed Texas Cheese Fries, Fried Pickles and an Original BBQ Baby Back Ribs. As her baby wailed for something other than breastmilk, Steph wrote her review of LongHorn. She was happy at Chili’s but longed for the one thing she wanted from the restaurant across the street: a Fire-Grilled Corn on the Cob that she could shove up her sweet potato pie hole.

Here is your lesson, Steph: restaurants on Mother’s Day are more crowded than a uterus with triplets. Everyone has to wait and no amount of whining is going to change anything. Get over it or eat at home. Happy Mother’s Day, Steph!

No, You Are Not Allowed to Pull a Waitress’s Hair

We all know it’s not easy working in a restaurant. We deal with a lot of things: customers who think they are better than us, long hours, hard work for sometimes little pay and the list goes on and on. This is the price we pay for the opportunity to call ourselves “food service workers.” However, none of us should have to deal with an asshole boss like this one named Jiguang Yang:

Jiguang Yang, Asshole Boss

According to FOX 8 News, waitress Cristina Surina, who has one of those names that rhyme, was doing her penance at Red Bowl Asian Restaurant in Richland County, South Carolina when Asshole Boss pulled her hair and yanked her to the ground. What could Cristina have possibly done to bring out the wrath of this man? Well, she had the nerve to ask for a remake of a kid’s meal of fried shrimp and chicken nuggets because they were burned. That’s right, she was just trying to ensure that she gave her customers the best possible dining experience and because of that, she was practically snatched bald-headed. Then she was fired, presumably when she brought the incident to the attention of the police.

Asshole Boss was given a personal recognizance bond of $2,125. I looked at the restaurant’s website to see how much a kids meal costs and it’s $3.95, so basically, he was pissed off about the waste of one kid’s meal and ended up paying for almost 538 of them.

I’m glad Cristina did not stand for this treatment. Too often, servers look the other way when they are mistreated because they think no one will care about what happens to a lowly waitress. Never do that, y’all. If any of your co-workers are mistreating you, make it known. Whether it’s a another server or someone in the kitchen or even if it’s your boss, you do not deserve to be treated with anything but respect. Cristina may have lost her job but she retained her dignity. Now, if only she could pay her bills with dignity. Good luck, Cristina.

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