Author Archives: The Bitchy Waiter

About The Bitchy Waiter

I wait tables and bitch about it on my blog, The Bitchy Waiter.

IHOP in Seatac is Savage

An IHOP in the Seattle area is looking for some new employees and the manager there is not fucking around. Based on the posting that was placed on the front door, this manager must have heard every excuse under the Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity Sun, because every base is covered to keep out the crappy employees. I hid the phone number so they aren’t inundated with calls from people desperate to serve up some Raspberry Sweet Cream Cheese Crepes and Bacon Crusted Chicken Breasts.

Please do not apply if you oversleep, have court often, do not have a babysitter every day, have to get rides to work later than our work day begins, experience flat tires every week, have to hold a cell phone all day, or will become an expert at your job with no need to take advice after the first day. Must be able to talk and work at the same time. Must also remember to come back to work after lunch. Should not expect to receive gold stars for being on time. If you qualify leave name and number at (206) ***-****.

Some people may think this is the kind of manager they would not want to work for, but to me it sounds like a dream scenario. I hate when I bust my ass to get to work on time every day and some lazy waitress drags her ass in late very other day with another brilliant excuse. (Shout out to my friend Todd who once showed up late to his job at Dillard’s department store carrying his muffler under his arm claiming that it fell off his car.) I say thank you to this manager for weeding out all the wrong people right from the get go. It saves everyone a lot of time. No employer wants to learn that you have child care issues after they have put you on the schedule. No employer wants to get a text message thirty minutes before the shift begins because you are in court again this week. And most impressively, no employer wants to hire someone who thinks they know everything without being told. Those are exactly the kinds of employees I don’t want to work with and that’s why I think this job posting is straight up brilliant. It’s also straight up bitchy, so I love it for a lot of reasons. You might not get a gold star for working there, but I give one to whoever printed this out and taped it to the front door of IHOP.

What do you think? Did this manager go too far or are they doing what they need to do to ensure the highest quality of servers? Tell me your thoughts in the comments section below.

Prayers for Annie. (Applebee’s Ruined Her Lunch)

Can we all take a moment to gather hands and send out some positive energy to Annie who went to Applebee’s only to have her lunch totally ruined? It seems that while she was there, she witnessed something that disgusted her and I’m not even talking about that sandwich of pulled pork, ham and bacon that she was trying to cram down her throat. The TV was on, as it usually is at Applebee’s, and playing on it was the TV show Bones. As that show is wont to do, it had a scene of an autopsy happening and, as is often the case in autopsies, the body was dead! Yes, Annie was forced to watch actors pretending they were performing an autopsy on a fake dead body and it was so upsetting to Annie that she hardly noticed that the fried onions on her sandwich looked slightly like a plate of intestines. To make matters worse, it was afternoon! And there were kids in that restaurant! Clearly, Applebee’s should only have the TV on the Cartoon Network. Consequently, Annie claims to have barely touched her food, but in all likelihood, she ate every last bite of that Triple Hog Dare Ya Sandwich and classic fries and topped it off with three or four Diet Cokes. She ends her Facebook post with “Have to wait till I get home to get the images out of my head” which leads me to believe that she was writing that status while still in the restaurant.

Umm, Annie, here are a few suggestions for you:

  • Try eating in a restaurant that doesn’t have large screen TV’s all over the place. Those types of restaurants do exist.
  • If you do find yourself in a restaurant that has large screen TV’s all over the place, don’t look at them.
  • If you can’t keep your eyes off the large screen TV’s and you see something that you think is unsuitable for Applebee’s customers, ask someone if they can change the channel. This, of course, will require you to actually communicate with another human being instead of typing your complaints onto your cell phone.
  • If they say they are unable to change the channel, don’t look at the screen.
  • If your eyes are constantly drawn to the screen like a bird is to a shiny object, maybe you should sit with your back to the large screen TV.

We can only hope that Annie made it home unscathed and was able to get those images out of her head. Maybe she turned on her own television to the calming scene of Guy Fiery stuffing fried pork down his gullet and that erased the more disturbing images of the fake autopsy. Be strong, Annie. We servers only want what’s best for you.

Watch This Bad Ass Waitress Drag a Lizard Monster From a Restaurant

The world has found the baddest, toughest, bravest waitress we will ever see and her name is Samia Lila. Earlier this week, while waiting tables at Mimosa Wines in Australia, a giant goanna decided to pop in for a glass of White Zinfandel on the rocks. Now, I have never even heard of a goanna until today, but it looks like a giant lizard-iguana-gila monster-alligator-t-rex-Godzilla hybrid. After the reptile made its appearance, Samia was all, “Nope, bitch, not on my watch.” She grabbed that goanna by the tail and dragged its ass right out of the restaurant.

According to my exhaustive research, also known as a Wikipedia search, a goanna is a carnivorous and predatory animal with sharp teeth and claws that will prey on any animal that is small enough to eat whole. That goanna could have eyed a small child and had it as an appetizer before it found its main course of a not so small child. Samila knew that if a giant damn lizard ate one of the kids in her section it would definitely affect her tip, so she took care of it.

Damn, girl. I once saw a roach crawling on the wall at Houlihan’s and I went to get the dishwasher to kill it. And when ever I would see a rat at Pizzeria Uno, I would just go into the restroom to hide for ten minutes or so. If I saw a freaking goanna I’d be like the lady in the video who hopped right onto her chair and froze in terror. On second thought, if I saw a freaking goanna in my restaurant, I’d punch out and go the fuck home.

So you go, Samia! You win the Internet for today.

Woman Totally Micro-Manages Valentine’s Day Order

Valentine’s Day is far enough away now that most of us have washed off the stench of that horrible restaurant day and are preparing ourselves for the slowest time of year. But like a bad case of acid reflux, the memories of that most romantic day keep bubbling up from below demanding to be remembered. A server sent me a photo of a something from two years ago when she was working on February 14th. A man showed up to the restaurant with a to-go order that his wife had written out for him and the demand for specificity is awe-inspiring:

Valentines Day Order!                                        02-14-15

Tortugas Lie Dinner Order on Saturday, Feb 14th , 2005

-Jamaican Jerk Chicken Breast (boneless)

-Just use a chicken breast that would typically be used in Coco Loco Chicken (boneless) and rub the jerk rub/mixture onto the BONELESS CHICKEN breast~before placing said chicken onto the plate, throw it onto the grill to cook.

  • I need 2 or 3 grilled pineapple rings to put on the chicken.
  • I need tow cups of EXTRA CHUTNEY~So, a total of 4 cups!
  • I’d like French Fries in place of the rice & beans.
  • Please give me 5 Lime Curry Sauces!
  • Place them (the fries) into a separate box!
  • I need 4 sides of sour cream (Please don’t forget)

-Chocolate chip pecan pie- 1 slice

Okay, first off, if you don’t like the food on the menu at a restaurant, maybe you shouldn’t eat at that restaurant. Perhaps it might be better to eat somewhere else or cook at home even. The menu is not a list of ingredients for you to pick and choose from and then have the kitchen create a special dish. They are not your personal chefs back there. And although Valentine’s Day may be special to you, it does not mean that the kitchen thinks you’re special. A note like this only makes them think you’re horrible.

I reached out to the husband (no I didn’t) to ask him what it is like being married to such an anal retentive, needy, self-serving, micro-managing woman.

“Oh, you get used to it,” he told me. “I mean, at first, it made me a little nuts, but I have gotten used to it and now I know it’s for the best. We have been married for 13 years and it’s working out.”

I asked him if food was the only thing that that she was so particular with and he shared with me that his wife’s likes to take charge of almost every scenario. “You should see the list she gave for our Valentin’e’s Day love making!”

Of course I asked him to send me a copy of it and here it is:

Valerie and Robert’s Love Making on Saturday, February 14th, 2015

You makin’ me Jerk and Shake My Breasts (boneless)

-pinch my nipples 3 times each. Use your right hand unless the callous on your left hand has gone away.
-before placing said hands on my nipples, lick your fingers, and blow them dry.

  • I need to be told you love me.
  • I need 2 squirts of extra lube- so a total of 4 squirts!!!
  • I’d like your dingaling to go into my kittykat a total of 5 times.
  • If I don’t reach climax by then, put 2 or 3 grilled pineapple rings onto my nipples and try 5 more times.
  • That ought to do it. Get off of me and go get me a clean warm rag. (Please don’t forget!)

——————-Then I’ll eat my chocolate chip pecan pie-1 slice.


And with that, I happily inform you that the next Valentine’s Day is 360 days away.

My (14 Years Late) Apology to Linda for Ruining Your Wedding Day

As hard as it is to believe, I have only been writing this blog for a bit over eight years. However, I have been writing my whole life. In fact, I started a daily journal all the way back in 1982 before a lot of you were even born. That’s right, I have written about every day since Christmas of 1982 and I am just starting my 35th journal. A couple of months ago, I decided that my second book would be about all of the other jobs I have had in my life so I started reading my journals and taking copious notes. As of now, I have read through 2003 and I am already at job #63.

Yesterday I came across an entry from April 22, 2003 when I was waiting tables at the Brooklyn Marriott. The entry is pretty much a precursor to what I do now, proving that I have been bitching about customers long before it was in the format of a blog. I give to you thoughts from a bitchy waiter before there was The Bitchy Waiter:

Tuesday April 22, 2003

Worked. Had it out with this lady. Briefly, so you’ll always remember. Her wedding day and she got married at the courthouse. PWT*. And got there almost 2 hours late and after we’d closed. Kept me there until 5:30. And got all pissed at me for wanting to have the check paid. She was so fucking trashy with her ugly ass mini-skirt wedding dress and fat ass. Smelling like Marlboros. I held my tongue so good and didn’t say anything I regret. Wanted to though. I gave her back her tip. Cunt. She left her baby’s bonnet and darn it if it didn’t get chocolate on it. Oops. At least I didn’t throw it away. Bitch. She’ll be there tomorrow again. Her name is Linda **** and she is a trailer park whore bag skanky scab-ridden, lice and crab-breeding bitch. And I love that when she told me she was so disappointed with her day, I told her “me too!”

Wow. It seems I was very angry, yes? In my defense, the restaurant normally closed at 3:00 and she was supposed to be there at 1:30. Getting there after closing time sent me over the edge. Looking back, I realize that it was her wedding day and I probably should have been a bit kinder. Also, I probably should not have judged her for getting married at the court house since I did the same thing about five years ago. And I can admit that putting chocolate on her bastard baby’s bonnet was a mean thing to do. It was also wrong of me to refer to her as a “trailer park whore” since I myself spent my formative years living in a trailer in Texas.

I would like to take this time to apologize to Linda Shea for making her wedding day less than perfect. According to my journal, she did not return the next day and I actually did close out the check with the automatic gratuity included. I don’t recall that she ever came back for the chocolate covered baby bonnet, but I do remember leaving it in the back sidestand and that it stayed there for several days. Linda, I am sorry. I should not have called you PWT* and I should not have made fun of your baby born out of wedlock. I do stand behind my statement that your wedding dress was tacky as hell. A mini-skirt wedding dress? C’mon, Linda. You could have done better than that. For every thing else, I am sorry.

I will continue reading my journals to see what I can pull from them for my next book. If nothing else, reading them has reminded me that bitching about my job has been a part of my life long before this blog and even before the Internet. I’m a bitch. For that, I will not apologize.

* PWT= poor white trash

10 Things that Will 100% Happen in a Restaurant on Valentine’s Day

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and every year there are a few things that we know are going to happen in restaurants across the land. Since the big VD is on a Tuesday this year, it might not be as crazy as it usually is, but we can still 100% guarantee that these ten things will definitely happen. If not in your section, then someone else’s. Be strong for all those two-tops.

  1. A guy will ask his server to put an engagement ring in the food. 54f94dc3bf146_-_chicken-sandwich-propsoal
  2. Someone will show up forgetting it’s Valentine’s Day and get pissed off that it’s crowded. 2
  3. A lady will order her regular menu item only to learn that it’s prix fixe only and either not available or twice as much as usual. 3
  4. A waitress will give Hershey’s kisses to all of our tables hoping it will increase her tip average.4
  5. Someone will break up with someone because they figure if you’re going to crush someone’s soul, you may as well crush it completely and do it on Valentine’s Day. 5
  6. A girl will have to pretend that she loves her gift of a teddy bear, chocolate candy or balloons. 6
  7. Someone will show up at the restaurant alone, forgetting it’s Valentine’s Day and get trashed because the closest thing they have to a long term relationship is their affair with tequila.7
  8. Something will be served in the shape of heart because nothing says true love like a heart-shaped pizza.8
  9. Someone will try to convince someone else that fake, plastic roses that light up are romantic.9
  10. A server will make bank and walk out of the restaurant with a shit ton of money. 10