This is not a drill. I repeat: this is not a drill. Applebee’s, after the fresh hell of serving $1 margaritas for the month of October, will be torturing their servers and bartenders again when they introduce $1 Long Island Iced Teas for the month of December. I don’t think they have announced this new deal yet, so basically this is a breaking story. This blog post may be stealing their thunder and I am 100% okay with that. I have a total mole who is passing this information on to me and it’s legit. This is the same person who sent me the video of the $1 margarita being made with mostly water and I am praying to the Applebee’s gods that another video like this one soon comes my way:
As you may remember from your days in college when you hung out at Bennigan’s, a Long Island Iced Tea is made with vodka, gin, rum, tequila, triple sec, lemon juice and Coca-Cola. We can assume that the dollar Applebee’s version will consist of water, a packet of LIT mix and some form of grain alcohol that can also power a riding lawn mower. It will probably be made by the gallon and customers will suck them down faster than Augustus Gloop tried to drink that chocolate river in Willy Wonka. Bartenders won’t be able to make them fast enough because people who go to Applebee’s want that dollar cocktail and they want all of them.
“Bring me one of them Long Island Iced Teas! No, wait, bring me two!”
“I’m sorry,” says the Applebee’s server. “I am only legally allowed to serve you one drink at a time.”
“Alright, bring me one now and then as soon as you set it down order me another one and I’ll be finished by the time you get back to the table. I got five bucks in my pocket and I’m ready to party! Can you just hook me up intravenously?”
Anyone who works at Applebee’s is bracing themselves for a month of sheer, unadulterated hell as customers claw their way to the nearest location to take advantage of this wonderful deal. People will pour themselves into every Applebee’s like clowns in a clown car, making life miserable for the servers who are just trying to get through a day at the Bee’s without committing manslaughter. Tips will suffer because even if someone leaves 20% on their Long Island Iced Tea, it’s a whopping twenty cents for the server.
Godspeed, Applebee’s employees. It’s going to be a tough month for you all. It’s almost like someone in corporate wracked their brain to think of a way to make sure their employees can have as shitty a December as possible. If any of you work there and want to tell any tales, I’d love to hear them. Email me here! Tell me what it’s like. Or send me a photo or something.
And know that I am thinking of you.