Author Archives: The Bitchy Waiter

About The Bitchy Waiter

I wait tables and bitch about it on my blog, The Bitchy Waiter.

We Don’t Want Your Notes

Enough with the stupid fucking notes scrawled out onto bev naps, customers. We don’t want them, nor do we need them. And the notes we hate the most are the ones that explain to us why you decided to go against our cultural norm and not leave us a tip. If you aren’t planning on leaving a tip, a note isn’t going to change our mind about you. We’re gonna hate you. Save yourself the trouble of trying to put words together in a cohesive fashion, save the ink and save us from having to pick up one more piece of garbage from your table. The note doesn’t make it better and no landlord is going to accept that note in lieu of rent so what is the purpose of it other than to make yourselves feel better about how cheap you are? And most of the times, the notes are going to make you look stupid.

For instance, this note:

Amazing service! I am so sorry we forgot cash, but thank you so much.

Don’t give us this bullshit line about not having cash to leave as a tip after you just put a big fat zero on the tip line. It tells us two things: you’re stupid and you’re cheap. And by the way, underlining the words “so much” doesn’t mean we don’t still have to to tip out our support staff and pay taxes on our sales. So, fuck you.

And what about this gem:

Here’s your tip!…Dont work @ a mexican restraunt…your white.

So many things wrong here. First off, if you’re going to leave a smart ass note, at least know how to spell the words you’re using. If you can’t spell “restaurant” maybe use simpler words like “diner” or “eating place.” And it’s “you’re.” For the love of god, what is so complicated about contractions? (A contraction is a word made by shortening and combining two words. Most of us learn them in elementary school, but this asshole must’ve been out sick in second, third, fourth and fifth grade.) And why can’t a “white” person work in a Mexican restaurant? I’m half Mexican and worked in a Mexican restaurant, but was that wrong? Should I have only worked part-time? Or maybe I should have only done my job half-assed. (Full disclosure: I did). Methinks that whoever wrote this note would have left a Mexican server the same tip with a different, poorly-written note.

And if you are a customer who absolutely insists on leaving notes for your server, I have one for you:

An Open Letter to Customers Ordering the $1 Margarita at Applebee’s

Dear Applebee’s Customer,

October is upon us and Halloween is rapidly approaching. As we near the the 31st of the month and are surrounded by frightening witches, spooky goblins and sexy versions of every occupation known to mankind, there is only one thing that can make this month even scarier: $1 margaritas at Applebee’s.

It’s horrifying in two ways. For the servers, it’s terrifying to see customers like you clawing at the front door for cheap margaritas like a pack zombies desperate for more brains. For you customers it’s scary because those margaritas are gonna suck. Seriously, they’re a dollar, so what do you expect? My husband once told me that when he was in college, he and a friend made margaritas out of the closest thing they could find to margarita mix at 7-11 and they used Gatorade. I bet you a dollar that his Gatorade margarita was better than the dollar one you buy at Applebee’s. True, I have never had the dollar margarita at Applebee’s, but I have had the regular priced one and it tasted like sour mix and Splenda blended with ice and a tequila-flavored Now and Later. (You can click here to watch my Facebook Live video of me having lunch at Applebee’s just a few months ago.) If an $8.00 margarita tasted that bad, what the hell is one that costs a dollar going to taste like?

So, Applebee’s customers, I want to give you some advice: aim higher. Just because someone in the corporate boardroom of Applebee’s came up with this October promotion doesn’t mean that $1 margaritas are a good idea. That margarita is going to disappoint you more than I disappoint 95% of my customers. However, if you do decide to go to Applebee’s and get trashed on cheap margaritas, think of the servers. They are busting their asses carrying dollar drinks to cheap assholes (no offense) and probably not making much money doing it. If Bubba Ray and Belva Kay each order three margaritas and nothing else, their bill will be about $6.50. A 20% tip would be just $1.30. Your server deserves more than $1.30 for carrying out six drinks and having to witness you trying to force them down. If you’re only spending a dollar a drink, you can at least throw an extra few bucks to your server for dealing with the likes of you all month.

Enjoy your cheap ass margaritas, you cheap bitches.

Mustard and mayo,
The Bitchy Waiter

p.s.

You can click this photo if you want to buy a tequila-flavored Now and Later:

You Don’t Get a Refund Because You Changed Your Mind

It seems like only last week that I was making fun of a stupid 1-star review, yet here we are again. (Full disclosure: I did this last week, but it’ so much damn fun that I’m doing it again.)

A woman named Caree took her aunt to dinner at The Westender in Marlborough, Massachusetts and things did not go well. The aunt ordered a drink and then changed her mind and Caree wanted a refund since her aunt “never touched it.” It sounds rather reasonable, but it depends on the circumstances. tIf the aunt changed her mind before the drink was made, sure, no problem. But if the aunt changed her mind after the drink was brought to the table, then we have an issue. It matters not that she “never touched” it because the restaurant can’t be expected to pour the liquor back into the bottle.

But then the restaurant tells their side of the story and it makes complete and total sense why there was no refund given. The aunt asked for a double glass of wine and it appears that the restaurant poured ten ounces of wine instead of the normal five ounces into one glass. The aunt drank half of it and then wanted a refund for what she didn’t drink.

No, Aunt Cray Cray, that’s not how it works. If the restaurant poured it all into one glass, they don’t want your leftover backwash cabernet to pour back into the bottle. For every sip you took, your old lady lips kissed the cabernet and it went back into the glass. Just like your nieces and nephews, nobody wants a cabernet kiss from you. Even if the bartender poured the wine into two glasses and you decided you only wanted one, they can’t reuse what you didn’t drink. It’s against health codes to reuse food and drinks that have already been served to a table because the restaurant can’t be responsible for what you may have done to that food and drink while it was in your possession. You could have sneezed on it or dropped a booger in it or accidentally placed your dentures into it. You ordered two glasses of wine, you pay for two glasses of wine. It’s not like the wine went bad during the course of your meal.

And for future reference, Aunt Cray Cray and Caree, the same thing goes for food. If you order a bowl of soup, you can’t eat half of it and expect a 50% refund. You can’t order a salad and not eat the carrots and then ask for the cost of the carrots to be deducted from your bill. And finally, you can’t go to Olive Garden and eat the never-ending pasta bowl until you throw it up into a bucket and then give your server the bucket and ask for your money back since you’re leaving with an empty stomach. That’s not how it works.

Caree, I urge you to remove this ridiculous review. It’s only making you look foolish and you aunt look worse. (I’m referring to the review written after yours that mentions a woman haggling about the cost of glass of wine while her aunt shits in her pants. That’s you, right Caree? Did your aunt really leave poop all over the floor? All this over the cost of a glass of wine? Is it really worth it? I didn’t think so.) Maybe if you take down your review, Alex will take down his. Fair is fair. Wine is wine. Poop is poop.

This Week’s Stupid 1-Star Review is from Kai

As you well know, I quite enjoy finding stupid 1-star reviews on Yelp or Facebook and using those reviews as teaching opportunities*. Today’s teachable moment comes from a diner named Kai who went to dine at a Cheesecake Factory on the island of O’ahu in Hawaii. It seems that the restaurant was newly opened so according to most reviews, the, lines were long and the wait times were longer. This is to be expected when a brand new chain restaurant opens, as the staff irons out the kinks and customers clamor to to see what all the fuss is about. Kai wasn’t upset with the wait times or the food or even the service. The thing that crawled up inside her pineapple hole had more to do with other customers:

Just ate at Cheesecake Factory Kapolei and was enjoying our 1st experience until a large table of bratty kids were seated next to us, they were so loud and annoying and a little out of control. So much for a nice enjoyable meal! Asked the waitress if we could get a free cheesecake because of the annoyance, and she sent a manager who did absolutely nothing to make up for our dissatisfaction except offer to move us, as we were settling our bill. And that was it. So disappointed with the manager! I don’t think we’ll be going back for a while.

It seems that Kai didn’t enjoy sitting next to a table full of bratty kids. To that I say: who the fuck does, Kai? Yes, kids are miserable, rotten, loathsome, ghastly, detestable, horrendous, obnoxious, bothersome, aggravating, vexatious, repugnant, revolting assholes, but that doesn’t mean that everyone who has to sit next to one gets free cheesecake. There’s not enough cheesecake in the world for that to happen, Kai. Your balls must be bigger than a pair of coconuts to ask your server for free cheesecake for such a stupid reason. You can certainly ask to be moved or perhaps you can ask the parents of these children to stuff napkins into their mouths to make them quieter, but it’s not the responsibility of the waitress to bring you a plate of Toasted Marshmallow S’mores Galore™ cheesecake. I’m sure when you asked her for it, the waitress knew it wasn’t going to happen, but she wanted to let the manager give you the bad news. And although I wasn’t there, I can pretty much guarantee that this is how the manager responded to the request:

 

Listen, Kai. Sitting next to annoying people is kinda how it goes when you have dinner at The Cheesecake Factory. If you are determined to only eat in situations where you can be sure you won’t be near loud and annoying people, I would suggest you eat alone. You could certainly eat at home, but I don’t know your family and they may be worse than the kids you sat next to. Bottom line is this: just because you felt that the table next to you was too loud doesn’t entitle to you to free dessert and when a restaurant doesn’t bow to your wish of cheesecake ala gratis, that’s not a good enough reason to give them a 1-star review. You may have been disappointed with the manager, but my guess is that you fulfilled the stereotype of 90% of the customers he has to deal with and you didn’t disappoint him at all. It was just par for the course: somebody looking for an excuse to get free food from a chain restaurant. You say you don’t think you’ll be going back for a while, but I bet you will. You know you can’t wait to go back for that Famous Factory Meatloaf, White Chocolate Caramel Macadamia Nut Cheesecake and Diet Coke.

 

* I like to call ripping people apart on the Internet a “teaching opportunity.”

Read Kai B.‘s review of The Cheesecake Factory on Yelp

Pumpkin Spice is Now a Law and No One Knows About It

With autumn officially several days old, there is a new law that goes into effect on October 1, that many restaurants do not know about it and it could end up costing them money. Earlier this year, congress passed a new measure: House Bill 1001- Autumnal Gourd Spices:

A BILL to be entitled an Act to amend Part 74 of Article 2 of Chapter 17 of Title 5 of the Official Code of the United States of America Annotated, relating to autumnal gourds, most common of which to be pumpkin, and the spices that shall accompany such gourds. Effective 10/01/17, it will be required that every restaurant that serves food from a full kitchen has at least 8.8% of the menu reflecting “pumpkin spice” for the duration of the months of October and November. Failure to do so could result in fines with a maximum of $1500. Should a restaurant choose to be exempt from HB 1001, they will be required to file exemption form HB-1001/1.8 and submit said form by 9/15/17; to repeal conflicting laws; and for other purposes.

Essentially, the new measure will require every restaurant to have almost 10% of their menu be flavored with pumpkin spice. Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) sponsored the bill and it passed overwhelmingly in February. Says Hatch, “People love pumpkin spice. I love pumpkin spice. And I realized that not enough restaurants are fully embracing this autumn tradition. I am proud to have sponsored this bill and I think the American people will thank me for it.”

Although the bill passed with ease, many restaurant operators are not happy with the new law, especially small business owners. Jack Osgood Lanterne, owner of Jack of Hearts Diner in Price, Utah is none too pleased with his senator. “I am the owner and cook at my place. My menu is small and now I have to come up with a way to make 10% of the menu with pumpkin spice? It’s not fair. I don’t even like pumpkin spice. And then I have to print new menus for October and November too? It’s an added expense and I don’t see how the government can make me do that. I might just ignore the law and take my chances with a fine.”

However, plenty of consumers are thrilled about the news. Price, Utah resident Sandy Bottom says, “I can’t wait to go a restaurant in October and know that I will have at least a few pumpkin spice choices. I honestly wish the law went further and required it year round, but I’ll take what I can get. I ate a pumpkin spiced bologna sandwich last week and it blew my mind and I’m wearing pumpkin spice perfume right now so I love the new law. God bless, Orrin Hatch.”

Again, the new law goes into effect on Sunday, October 1, 2017. Any restaurant that does not have at least 8.8% of their menu with pumpkin spice and failed to submit an exemption form, must be prepared to pay the $1500 fine. One government official who agreed to speak under the condition of anonymity admitted that the likelihood of any restaurant being fined is very slim. “Honestly, we don’t have the resources to send investigators to every restaurant in the country to check on pumpkin spice menus. If a restaurant chooses to ignore the law, no one will probably know.”

That being said, the government has set up a web page to report any restaurant that is failing to comply with the law. Customers are encouraged to submit violations by clicking here.

To read the whole measure in its entirety, click here.

Woman Bitten By Snake at LongHorn Steakhouse

Well the big news of the week (other than major hurricanes, earthquakes and various natural disasters, North Korea inching closer to annihilating the rest of the world, President Trump going to battle with the NFL, and the national healthcare debate) is that a woman went to LongHorn Steak House in Spotsylvania, Virginia and got bitten by a copperhead snake. For those of you who didn’t grow up in the country like I did, those snakes are venomous. Growing up in Texas, I can’t tell you how many copperheads I beheaded. Once, I found myself standing on one and for some reason it chose not to bite me. It probably sensed that I was going to taste bitter.

Anyhoo, Rachel Myrick went to LongHorn Steakhouse with her son, boyfriend, and a group of friends when she was bitten by the bitch ass snake as soon as she went onto the restaurant. At first, she thought it was a bee sting, but when she looked down, she saw an 8” snake hanging off her toe.

“I freaked out,” said Myrick. “I got bit! I got bit!”

Her son and boyfriend stomped on the snake to kill it because I guess they didn’t have a hoe around to chop that head off. As she waited for an ambulance, the rest of the party went on in to eat because I guess Roasted White Cheddar Stuffed Mushrooms were more important than their friend who might be dying from a snake bite any minute.

“Oh my god! Rachel just got bit by a snake- hey, look Firecracker Chicken Wraps! Who wants to split that with me?”

A LongHorn spokesman Hunter Robinson who sounds like he used to be on CBS’s Falcon Crest in 1982, said that the restaurant chain’s primary concern is for Myrick’s well-being, and wants to provide any assistance that it can. To their credit, they did comp the meal.

“This was a highly unusual incident, and we are working with our facilities team to see how this may have occurred and we are taking steps to prevent it from happening again,” he said.

Hey, Hunter. I’ll tell you how it happened: a freaking snake just slithered its ass into the restaurant because it wanted a Steakhouse Bacon Cheeseburger. You can’t really control wildlife. If you want to prevent it from happening again, I would suggest a big sign that says “No Snakes Allowed.” That ought to do it. You also should totally supply every server with a hoe in case it happens again so snake beheading can become part of the sidework.

I already read a few comments from people saying that they won’t go to LongHorn anymore because of this incident.

Umm, Florence, you know that a snake can pretty much go where ever the hell it wants, right? The snakes aren’t Googling to see where the nearest LongHorn Steakhouse is. Live your life, girl. if you give in to the fear of snakes, the snakes win.

In closing, I couldn’t help but wonder what Samuel L. Jackson thought about this story since his infamous role in Snakes on a Plane. I reached out to him for a comment and he sent this video statement: