Author Archives: The Bitchy Waiter

About The Bitchy Waiter

I wait tables and bitch about it on my blog, The Bitchy Waiter.

Woman Totally Micro-Manages Valentine’s Day Order

Valentine’s Day is far enough away now that most of us have washed off the stench of that horrible restaurant day and are preparing ourselves for the slowest time of year. But like a bad case of acid reflux, the memories of that most romantic day keep bubbling up from below demanding to be remembered. A server sent me a photo of a something from two years ago when she was working on February 14th. A man showed up to the restaurant with a to-go order that his wife had written out for him and the demand for specificity is awe-inspiring:

Valentines Day Order!                                        02-14-15

Tortugas Lie Dinner Order on Saturday, Feb 14th , 2005

-Jamaican Jerk Chicken Breast (boneless)

-Just use a chicken breast that would typically be used in Coco Loco Chicken (boneless) and rub the jerk rub/mixture onto the BONELESS CHICKEN breast~before placing said chicken onto the plate, throw it onto the grill to cook.


  • I need 2 or 3 grilled pineapple rings to put on the chicken.
  • I need tow cups of EXTRA CHUTNEY~So, a total of 4 cups!
  • I’d like French Fries in place of the rice & beans.
  • Please give me 5 Lime Curry Sauces!
  • Place them (the fries) into a separate box!
  • I need 4 sides of sour cream (Please don’t forget)

-Chocolate chip pecan pie- 1 slice

Okay, first off, if you don’t like the food on the menu at a restaurant, maybe you shouldn’t eat at that restaurant. Perhaps it might be better to eat somewhere else or cook at home even. The menu is not a list of ingredients for you to pick and choose from and then have the kitchen create a special dish. They are not your personal chefs back there. And although Valentine’s Day may be special to you, it does not mean that the kitchen thinks you’re special. A note like this only makes them think you’re horrible.

I reached out to the husband (no I didn’t) to ask him what it is like being married to such an anal retentive, needy, self-serving, micro-managing woman.

“Oh, you get used to it,” he told me. “I mean, at first, it made me a little nuts, but I have gotten used to it and now I know it’s for the best. We have been married for 13 years and it’s working out.”

I asked him if food was the only thing that that she was so particular with and he shared with me that his wife’s likes to take charge of almost every scenario. “You should see the list she gave for our Valentin’e’s Day love making!”

Of course I asked him to send me a copy of it and here it is:

Valerie and Robert’s Love Making on Saturday, February 14th, 2015

You makin’ me Jerk and Shake My Breasts (boneless)

-pinch my nipples 3 times each. Use your right hand unless the callous on your left hand has gone away.
-before placing said hands on my nipples, lick your fingers, and blow them dry.


  • I need to be told you love me.
  • I need 2 squirts of extra lube- so a total of 4 squirts!!!
  • I’d like your dingaling to go into my kittykat a total of 5 times.
  • If I don’t reach climax by then, put 2 or 3 grilled pineapple rings onto my nipples and try 5 more times.
  • That ought to do it. Get off of me and go get me a clean warm rag. (Please don’t forget!)

——————-Then I’ll eat my chocolate chip pecan pie-1 slice.

 

And with that, I happily inform you that the next Valentine’s Day is 360 days away.

My (14 Years Late) Apology to Linda for Ruining Your Wedding Day

As hard as it is to believe, I have only been writing this blog for a bit over eight years. However, I have been writing my whole life. In fact, I started a daily journal all the way back in 1982 before a lot of you were even born. That’s right, I have written about every day since Christmas of 1982 and I am just starting my 35th journal. A couple of months ago, I decided that my second book would be about all of the other jobs I have had in my life so I started reading my journals and taking copious notes. As of now, I have read through 2003 and I am already at job #63.

Yesterday I came across an entry from April 22, 2003 when I was waiting tables at the Brooklyn Marriott. The entry is pretty much a precursor to what I do now, proving that I have been bitching about customers long before it was in the format of a blog. I give to you thoughts from a bitchy waiter before there was The Bitchy Waiter:

Tuesday April 22, 2003

Worked. Had it out with this lady. Briefly, so you’ll always remember. Her wedding day and she got married at the courthouse. PWT*. And got there almost 2 hours late and after we’d closed. Kept me there until 5:30. And got all pissed at me for wanting to have the check paid. She was so fucking trashy with her ugly ass mini-skirt wedding dress and fat ass. Smelling like Marlboros. I held my tongue so good and didn’t say anything I regret. Wanted to though. I gave her back her tip. Cunt. She left her baby’s bonnet and darn it if it didn’t get chocolate on it. Oops. At least I didn’t throw it away. Bitch. She’ll be there tomorrow again. Her name is Linda **** and she is a trailer park whore bag skanky scab-ridden, lice and crab-breeding bitch. And I love that when she told me she was so disappointed with her day, I told her “me too!”

Wow. It seems I was very angry, yes? In my defense, the restaurant normally closed at 3:00 and she was supposed to be there at 1:30. Getting there after closing time sent me over the edge. Looking back, I realize that it was her wedding day and I probably should have been a bit kinder. Also, I probably should not have judged her for getting married at the court house since I did the same thing about five years ago. And I can admit that putting chocolate on her bastard baby’s bonnet was a mean thing to do. It was also wrong of me to refer to her as a “trailer park whore” since I myself spent my formative years living in a trailer in Texas.

I would like to take this time to apologize to Linda Shea for making her wedding day less than perfect. According to my journal, she did not return the next day and I actually did close out the check with the automatic gratuity included. I don’t recall that she ever came back for the chocolate covered baby bonnet, but I do remember leaving it in the back sidestand and that it stayed there for several days. Linda, I am sorry. I should not have called you PWT* and I should not have made fun of your baby born out of wedlock. I do stand behind my statement that your wedding dress was tacky as hell. A mini-skirt wedding dress? C’mon, Linda. You could have done better than that. For every thing else, I am sorry.

I will continue reading my journals to see what I can pull from them for my next book. If nothing else, reading them has reminded me that bitching about my job has been a part of my life long before this blog and even before the Internet. I’m a bitch. For that, I will not apologize.

* PWT= poor white trash

10 Things that Will 100% Happen in a Restaurant on Valentine’s Day

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and every year there are a few things that we know are going to happen in restaurants across the land. Since the big VD is on a Tuesday this year, it might not be as crazy as it usually is, but we can still 100% guarantee that these ten things will definitely happen. If not in your section, then someone else’s. Be strong for all those two-tops.

  1. A guy will ask his server to put an engagement ring in the food. 54f94dc3bf146_-_chicken-sandwich-propsoal
  2. Someone will show up forgetting it’s Valentine’s Day and get pissed off that it’s crowded. 2
  3. A lady will order her regular menu item only to learn that it’s prix fixe only and either not available or twice as much as usual. 3
  4. A waitress will give Hershey’s kisses to all of our tables hoping it will increase her tip average.4
  5. Someone will break up with someone because they figure if you’re going to crush someone’s soul, you may as well crush it completely and do it on Valentine’s Day. 5
  6. A girl will have to pretend that she loves her gift of a teddy bear, chocolate candy or balloons. 6
  7. Someone will show up at the restaurant alone, forgetting it’s Valentine’s Day and get trashed because the closest thing they have to a long term relationship is their affair with tequila.7
  8. Something will be served in the shape of heart because nothing says true love like a heart-shaped pizza.8
  9. Someone will try to convince someone else that fake, plastic roses that light up are romantic.9
  10. A server will make bank and walk out of the restaurant with a shit ton of money. 10

 

An Open Letter To Guys Who Get Pissed When Their Waitress Won’t Give Out Her Phone Number

Dear Men,

Your waitress is not required to give you her phone number just because you ask for it. Maybe you think she is so totally into you because when you asked for extra Ranch dressing she brought you two ramekins instead of one. She did not bring you that extra dressing because she wants to take a ride on your fried cheese stick. She brought you that extra dressing because she judged your gloober globber ass and could tell that one extra ramekin of Ranch wasn’t going to be enough for you and she was saving herself a second trip. Servers, by definition, are there to be nice to you. We try to smile as often as we can because it will give the impression that we are happy to serve you and that we are enjoying what we are doing. Don’t get me wrong, we aren’t always miserable at work, but even when we are, we tend to put a smile on our face. If we don’t, someone will inevitably say that we should smile more so we can make better tips. (Nine times out of ten, that someone will be a man telling that to a female server and then as soon as the woman does crack a smile, either the man is going to think she’s into him, or his girlfriend or wife is going to think that her man is being hit on right in front of her.)

But back to the phone number. If you feel like you and your waitress are hitting it off, it’s fine to ask for her number. Go ahead. After all, maybe the two of you are soulmates and you both felt that spark of attraction when your hands touched each other as she handed you a bread basket. You’ll never know if you don’t ask. However, if you ask for her number and she respectfully declines, it’s up to you be a gentleman about it and accept the truth: she doesn’t want you to call her. Maybe she has a boyfriend or a girlfriend, or maybe she doesn’t mix business with pleasure or maybe the way you sucked all the meat off that chicken wing told her everything she needs to know about what it would be like to make out with you. Deal with it. For whatever reason, she does not want to give you her number.

Your correct response is this: “Okay, cool, can’t blame me for trying, right? Have a good night.”

The incorrect response is any of these:

  • Calling her a bitch.
  • Assuming she’s a lesbian.
  • Not leaving a tip because your feel like your manhood was questioned and your teeny tiny set of balls just shriveled up with embarrassment and went inside your body like a turtle going into its shell.
  • Regressing to third grade and drawing a picture of a dick on the receipt where you are supposed to sign your name. (If you are going to draw a picture of a dick on your receipt, at least make sure you are a good artist. The above picture is very poor and makes me wonder what your penis actually looks like. I mean, are your testicles really horizontal to the shaft? And why are they so small in relation to the length and girth of the rod? Did your circumcision go horribly wrong? Why is it lumpy?)

Look guys, your waitress is not obligated to give you her phone number. If you ask for it and she says no, be a real man, grow the fuck up and deal with it.

Mustard and mayo,
The Bitchy Waiter

p.s. At least the guy in the photo still left a tip. That means he’s not a total dick. He just likes to draw them.

Dine and Dashers Steal $645. Let’s Find Them!

If there is one thing I hate more than anything, it’s people who dine and dash. Too many times, the restaurant makes the server accept responsibility for these lying, thieving asshole customers and it’s not fair. (It’s also illegal, but we know that silly little things like laws don’t always matter in the restaurant world.)

According to Munchies, on New Year’s Eve at a Russian restaurant called Chinar on Staten Island, four pieces of scum peeled themselves off of some murky pond water and went to dinner where they racked up a $645 bill. When the time came for them to pay their bill, they decided it wasn’t necessary and hopped on into their silver SUV and left. This, after picking up their coats at the coat check where they probably stiffed the coatcheck girl too.

Well, the NYPD would like to find these three women and one man four pieces of shit so they can have some words with them. Thankfully, there is surveillance video and I am more than happy to share it until the cows come home. If anyone knows any of these deadbeats, please call the Crime Stoppers Hotline at 1-800-577- TIPS (8477) or fill out an anonymous form on the Crime Stoppers website. You can even send a text to 274637 (CRIMES) and use the code TIP577.

Let’s bust these sorry excuses for human beings. If you don’t have enough money to pay for your meal (and leave a decent tip) then don’t go out to a restaurant. We don’t need you there and we would rather use our time, energy and tables for customers who are going to pay for their food and tip us for doing a job well done.

Share this, so that we can be a part of sending these losers to jail. Let’s do this.

Restaurant Owner Thinks Immigrants Make America Great

There has been a lot of talk about immigrants and immigration in this country lately and no matter how you feel about our current president’s views, I am pretty sure that all of us in the restaurant industry can agree on one thing: without immigrants our restaurants would be in a sorry state. I challenge you to find one restaurant that doesn’t have at least one employee that was born in a country other than the United States. Legal or illegal, every restaurant I have ever worked in has had an employee, usually a dishwasher or busser, who was new to this country and they were just thankful to have a job. After all, it’s not like anyone at the Houlihan’s I worked in was dying to have Keebee’s position. He was from Africa and spoke very broken English, but he busted his ass in that dish room and always had a smile on his face. It says a lot about him that I haven’t worked there in almost twenty years, but I still remember him. He was a hard worker and I hope he’s doing well now.

A restaurant in Brooklyn recently made a stir when the owner had a message printed at the bottom of the receipt. Unlike most places that simply say “have a nice day” or “thank you for coming in,” this restaurant receipt said “Immigrants make America great (they also cooked your food and served you today). The restaurant is called Kiwiana and is owned by Chef Mark Simmons, himself an immigrant from New Zealand. A photo of the receipt was tweeted out by NBC News contributor Mary Emily O’Hara and quickly received over 90,000 retweets and 245,000 likes. That amount of interaction tells me that plenty of people fully agree with the sentiment of the receipt.

I don’t have any desire to get political on this blog. This is a place for us to share our common feelings about this job we have taken upon ourselves. However, I hope that we can all applaud this restaurant owner for reminding so many people that the vast majority of immigrants in this country are here striving for the same things that those of us who were born here strive for: success, happiness and a job that will give us the opportunity to reach our goals. At my restaurant, if we only kept the people who were born in this country, we would lose two thirds of our staff. We would have no one in the kitchen and there would only be two servers and one bartender left. The owner of the restaurant is Chinese and I’m not sure if he was born here, but I’m sure that his parents weren’t.

This country relies on immigrants and our restaurants rely on them even more. I’m all for making America great, but I feel that it’s already pretty great to begin with. And we owe a lot of that greatness to those who came from other countries.