We in the food and beverage industry have an inherent desire to please our customers. Some of us are eager to satisfy the needs of our customers because it fills our soul with joy and contentment knowing that we have contributed to a dining experience that has made someone else happy. Others of us do it because our fucking tip depends on it and if Connie isn’t happy with our service we know she’ll hold onto that 20% gratuity like it’s the last glass of Chardonnay at meet and greet for single moms over the age of 40. In other words, you will never be able to pry a decent tip from her cold, dead, overly-manicured hands.
I am always puzzled when someone goes to a restaurant and then feels the need to write out what they want since it’s so different than what’s offered on the menu. I mean, if the menu is so far off from what you want to eat, why the fuck are you there? Case in point, is this order for three Ranchero tacos that seem unlike what a Ranchero taco is meant to be:
“No meat, no pico, no jalapeño aioli, so cilantro and no queso fresco.” So far, this order of Ranchero tacos sounds like a plain old plate of empty ass taco shells. But then, the author of the note (probably someone like the aforementioned Connie) asks that the shells be filled with black beans, rice, avocado (a lot, please!), tomatoes, a small amount of lettuce, cheese, and Ranch dressing.
Okay, first off, queso fresco is fucking cheese, Connie. It literally means “fresh cheese,” so do you or don’t you want to have cheese on your taco? You can’t ask them to hold the queso and then have them add cheese instead. That’s like saying you don’t want a margarita but instead you’ll have tequila, lime juice, triple sec, and agave shaken over ice and poured into glass with a salted rim. Same thing, lady.
Secondly, if you want extra avocado, you have to order extra avocado. We aren’t going to give it to you for free just because you said please in your stupid little note and added and exclamation point. Avocados are literally worth their weight in gold these days. Last week, I paid $3.00 for one fucking organic avocado at Whole Foods, so if you want extra, expect to pay for it. You also specified you only want a small amount of lettuce, but leaving off a tablespoon of shredded iceberg lettuce doesn’t give you the key to unlimited, all-you-can-eat avocados.
Thirdly, it’s spelled A-V-O-C-A-D-O.
Fourth, if the menu at the restaurant you have chosen to go to is so wildly inappropriate for what you eat, don’t go there. I’m sure there’s a place that can cater to your needs and will be happy to serve you all the iceberg lettuce and avocados that you want.
Fifth, why is there an apostrophe in the word tacos? Are you trying to show that the tacos have possession over something? The only thing the tacos own is their shame for no longer being allowed to embrace their own Ranchero identity. Or maybe the taco is about to do something. Like the taco *is* about to jump off the plate because it finds the author of the note so completely tiresome.
Finally, who the fuck puts Ranch dressing on a taco? And if you’re eating at a Mexican restaurant that has Ranch dressing anywhere in the kitchen, you should immediately leave the restaurant or prepare yourself for a major side of disappointment.
Stop with the notes, people.