We in the restaurant business are used to ridiculous requests from customers:
“Can I sit on the patio? But I don’t want there to be any sunlight, wind, or bugs.”
“I’d like my burger to be cooked very well done, but still be super juicy.”
“Can you make my drink extra strong but not large me extra?”
No matter how stupid the request is, we can always be certain that an even more stupid request will soon follow. Case in point is this reservation request from Andy who has challenged everyone to top this sheer idiocy of his online reservation:
I caught fresh fish at lake Pleasant. I want the chef to prepare them for my day entree. Should I bring them in live to show the chef the freshness? Will there be a plate charge or will my entree be free since I am supplying own ingredients? Please call Andy.
Good lord, the stupid is strong on this one. Since we do not know how the restaurant responded to Andy’s request, I have decided to respond on their behalf:
First off, happy birthday! How wonderful that you were able to catch some fish at Lake Pleasant and we appreciate you wanting to spend your special day with us. However, go fuck yourself. Here in our restaurant, we have something called a menu that allows you to choose exactly what you want to eat. The chef has spent a great deal of time creating this menu and she has no interest in cooking up some sad ass piece of trout that you dragged into your rowboat one sunny afternoon. There is no need to bring the fish in to prove how fresh it is because no one here gives a fuck about it. Even if we did agree to cook your fish for you, which we will not do because that’s just fucking stupid and arrogant to even assume that we would, we still cannot get over the fact that you think it would be free since you are supplying your own ingredients. Andy, unless you were planning on also bringing in some olive oil, herbs, spices, lemon and whatever the fuck side dishes you had in mind for your fish, you are hardly supplying your own ingredients. This is not like bringing in your own bottle of wine and having to pay a corkage fee, asshole. And did you think the chef was going to take time out of a busy night so that your fish can be be cleaned and scaled and filleted? No, bitch, that’s not how restaurants work. There are some restaurants that might do this for you, but surely those restaurants would advertise such a service. Not us, though. Take your fish home and cook it yourself. If you truly want to spend your birthday in our restaurant, then take a look at our menu and see what it is you want. It’s one or the other, Andy. Happy birthday and go fuck yourself.
Some customer demands never fail to amaze me, but this one takes the cake. (And just because it’s your birthday doesn’t mean the cake is free.)
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