Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to remember those souls we have lost on this, the first day of February in the 2019th year of our lord. So many of these cherished souls withered up and blew away in the wind like old Doritos dust on the stubby fingers of a famished clopener. And why did so many perish on this sad, sad day? What catastrophic event could possibly occur that would cause such vast human suffering?
Applebee’s is selling $1.00 Hurricane’s for the entire month of February in an effort to drum up excitement about Mardi Gras, and also in the process, make every server and bartender who works at Applebee’s to question their very existence. Hordes and whores of people will show up to their local Applebee’s with a crisp five-dollar bills in their sweaty palms ready to get their drank on by buying four watered down cocktails and tipping a quarter each time.
“The Hurricane cocktail is a classic rum drink with close ties to New Orleans and Mardi Gras,” said Patrick Kirk, vice president of beverage innovation at Applebee’s, in a press release. “A DOLLAR HURRICANE is a great reason to celebrate the season and from now until March 5, Applebee’s is going to ‘party like it’s Mardi.’” He goes on to say, “Our customers deserve the very finest of ingredients, but in the case we’ve decided to just give them a glass of whatever the fuck we had the most of, call it a ‘hurricane’ and sell it for a dollar. It’s a great way for us to clean out our inventory and also give the appearance that we are doing something special for our customers. It’s a win-win.”
Any Applebee’s employee who survives this month long promotion can look forward to April where the next promotion will be for a drink called the “April Fool.” The cocktail will consist of carbonated water, lemon seeds, a dash of bitterness with an apathy float and will cost fifty cents each or two for a dollar. As for the employees who, upon learning of the $1.00 Hurricane, fell to the floor and never got up again: rest in peace, bitches.