A man in California is lucky to be alive after spending two days trapped in a grease duct of a Chinese restaurant. He was trying to break into the restaurant by crawling through an exhaust vent and instead got his ass stuck in there covered in grease, dirt and regret. Two days! If it wasn’t for a neighbor who finally heard the desperate cries of the lubricated lug, he probably would have died there and gone down in history as one of the dumbest criminals in all the land. It took firefighters an hour to wedge him out of his lard-covered sarcophagus and the man is likely to be charged with trespassing and vandalism. He is expected to make a full recovery. This, all according to the Alameda County Sheriff’s Office Facebook page.
I had the opportunity to interview the man (no I didn’t) who faced a greasy death and I am honored to share his (totally made up) story:
Bitchy Waiter: So, what the fuck were you thinking?
Greaseball: Dude, I was watching Die Hard a couple of weeks ago, and you know that scene where he climbs through the ceiling ducts after almost falling in the elevator shaft?
BW: No, I’ve never seen that movie.
GB: Oh, it’s awesome. So, I was like, I bet I could do that to get into that Chinese restaurant.
BW: Was your intent to rob the place?
GB: Oh, yeah, totally. And I needed some chopsticks too and I figured they had some.
BW: When did you know you were in trouble?
GB: (laughing) Like almost right away, dude. I was all, “oh fuck this might be the third stupidest thing I’ve ever done.”
BW: Only the third? What are the top two?
GB: Number two was probably that time I tried to ride a sea lion in Malibu. Dude, do not try to ride a sea lion, they don’t like it. And those fuckers have teeth.
BW: And what’s the dumbest thing you ever did?
GB: I ate at Applebee’s once.
BW: So what were you thinking while you were trapped there for two days?
GB: Mostly that I was hungry and how close I was to an unlimited supply of egg rolls.
BW: Did you think you were going to die there?
GB: No, I thought I would eventually lose enough weight to slip through the duct and then just walk out the front door.
BW: You really are a dumb ass, aren’t you?
GB: Well, I told you I ate at Applebee’s once so, yeah.