It’s that time of year again! Red Lobster is in the middle of their Endless Shrimp promotion and it’s when people crawl out from under their rocks to stuff their faces with ridiculous amounts of shellfish making their server run back and forth from the kitchen seventy five times. If you are one of the thousands of people who only go out to eat when you can have an endless amount of food for a very low price, this blog post is for you. Here are some things to remember in between swallowing whole shrimp and drinking ramekins of butter:
- Please tip accordingly. When your server is making extra trips to your table because there is an endless supply of shrimp (or pasta, or whatever else your cheap ass is enjoying), tip a little extra. If the server is bringing you eight or nine plates of shrimp and it only costs $14.99, tipping more than 20% would be a really nice gesture. Don’t be cheap.
- Be appreciative. Your server is working his or her ass off because their whole station is full of people wanting to break the record for the most shrimp ever eaten. Take a moment to say thank you.
- Be patient. If it takes a few minutes for your seventh plate of shrimp to make it to your table, give it a minute or two. Maybe the kitchen is a little behind or maybe your server is in the restroom crying in the stall and wondering what they were thinking when they decided to take a job at Red Lobster. Stay calm. Your shrimp will be there soon, Karen.
- Wipe your mouth. You know what else Red Lobster has an endless supply of? Napkins. So use them. The only thing more difficult than serving plate after plate of shrimp is having to speak to a customer whose face is covered in butter and garlic. Wipe your fucking mouth, animals.
- Don’t be a fucking pig. The goal is to enjoy your meal, not to see how many shrimp you can shove down your gullet. If you get full, stop eating. It doesn’t matter that the last time you had all you can eat shrimp you ate 75 and you want to do at least 80 this time because none of it will matter if you puke it up in the parking lot ten minutes after paying your check.
- Don’t ask for a to-go box. While the promotion is an “endless” amount of shrimp, it does not mean you can take it home with you. Likewise, leave the fucking Tupperware at home. You can eat as much as you want, but it has to be inside your stomach when you leave. It’s not meant to be your lunch tomorrow.
The Endless Shrimp promotion will be over in a few weeks, but until then I send out good wishes to my server friends at Red Lobster. You got this, people.
As for the customers, I hope you will take my advice. Without you, there would be no Endless Shrimp promotion. Enjoy your shrimp and please make sure that when you leave the restaurant, you don’t have any random shrimp tails hanging out of your mouth because that would just prove the point that you are a filthy pig who can’t be taken anywhere.