Today is “Take Your Kid to Work Day”

Today is National Take Your Child To Work Day here in the United States. It’s a day that is meant to teach our sons and daughters what their parents do at their jobs. Originally formed in 1993 by Gloria Steinem and the Ms. Foundation for Women and called “Take Our Daughters To Work Day,” it has evolved to encompass all children, both sons and daughters. It can provide the opportunity for a young girl to see her mother as something more than a mom and instead see a capable, strong, women in charge. Or maybe a son can see his father as something other than a lazy fat ass who sits on the couch all weekend and farts out Doritos.

If you are a server and plan on taking your child to work today, here are 8 things they can do while at the restaurant:

1. Roll silverware. Every restaurant always need someone to roll extra silverware and quite frankly, who has time for that? An eager 10-year old will have quick and nimble fingers that can roll that silver and not bitch about it the whole time.
2. Retrieve silverware from the garbage. None of us want to dig through the trashcan to get that fork we accidentally dropped while we were scraping a plate. Make a kid do it. Tell them it’s like a scavenger hunt and for each utensil they find, give them a butter packet as a reward.
3. Remove gum from underneath the table. Being a fully grown man with 50-year old knees and joints, I don’t want to go under the table to scrape it off. However, a small child is just the right size to crawl under Table 9 and scrape that Bazooka from the underside. I say give that kid a sharp knife and some gloves and let them go to town.
4. Clean the menus. It’s such a tedious task and we all know how fucking germy those menus can get. Why not let a kid, who is basically one big germ anyway, clean those menus instead? Then the hostess can use her time for more important things like ignoring customers and accidentally hanging up on people who want to place orders to pick up.
5. Take care of the other kids in the restaurant. When we have a crying baby in our section that won’t shut up because it’s either colicky or needs to have its diaper changed, we servers can come across as insensitive when we ask the parents to quiet the baby down. Let the kid say it. You can instruct the child to say something like, “Man that baby sure is loud. Can’t you get it to take a nap or something? It’s giving me a headache.” Most parents are going to accept that from another child, but not from a server.
6. Deliver the to-go food. This is such a great option. Because of child labor laws, the restaurant won’t have to pay the kids to deliver the food which will help out with payroll. It also gets those kids out of the restaurant so that those of us without kids won’t have to fucking see them. If you don’t feel secure having the child drive a car, just wrap some reflective tape around their head and send them on a bike or something. I’m sure they’ll be fine. If they happen to receive any tips, steal them. They’re just kids, what are they gonna do about it?
7. Mop the floor. Kids love to mop! Haven’t you seen Annie? Give those little assholes a bucket and a couple of sponges and let them have a ball.
8. Help you get bigger tips. After you have placed the check on the table, instruct your child to go to the customer and give a sob story about how badly you need money. They can say that you need bunion surgery or that your car has four bald tires and no windows or whatever. Make the kid slice some onions right before approaching the table so there are some real tears happening. Most customers won’t be able to resist a child in need and you can watch your tip average soar for the day.

I hope these suggestion come in handy for you as you strap an apron around your kid and teach them the joys of food service. If you are going to take your child to work today, you may as well make it work for you. Good luck!