I have spent the last several years writing this blog and happily dragging people through the mud who absolutely 100% deserved to be dragged through mud. I have also spent some time doing that to people who maybe only deserved it 75%. Some have called me a troll while others have called me a hero. I honestly don’t care what you call me as long as you tip me 20%. On occasion, I will receive an email or Facebook message from someone who feels the need to give me their unsolicited opinion. I read every single message that people send to me and this morning I awoke to a message from a person named Carlee who wanted to let me know that she thought my email address was unprofessional. Girl, please. My email address is the least unprofessional thing about me, but okay. Since I do my best to respond to as many messages as possible, I did not want Carlee’s message to go unanswered. So I replied. Then she replied back and insulted me again. And I wrote her again. And then she was all, “Oh, wait is this a real person??”
Bitch, do I look like a robot? Yes, I am real. The only thing fake about me is part of my front tooth that is bonded on after it broke off in an unfortunate musical theater accident when I was playing Tobias in a community theater production of Sweeney Todd and Mrs. Lovett slammed my face with a metal pitcher during the “God, That’s Good” number. I also have highlights that cover the gray in my hair that came from waiting tables for too many years and my smile is as phony as pair of silicone-filled titties, but other than that I am real and you hurt me, Carlee. You hurt me real bad. After I explained to you that I was a real person, you totally ghosted me. You gave me a half-assed “my bad,” but where is my fully executed apology? Where is the final message that tells me you would never have said such things if you knew I was a human being with feelings? All this over my “unprofessional” email address. What’s the point, Carlee? Yes, my email address is email@example.com. The only reason I have that is because I couldn’t get “bitchywaiter,” but you probably would have thought that was unprofessional too, huh? What should my email address be? More importantly, what is yours? Is it something expected like firstname.lastname@example.org or is it email@example.com?
Carly, look. I don’t want to start anything with you, I really don’t. Lord knows I don’t need another Internet feud. (Just kidding… I would love a new Internet feud!) I am just writing this blog post to try to understand why anyone would go to the trouble of sending a Facebook message to simply criticize their email address. Do you have nothing better to do with your time? Clearly, I don’t. I just wrote a 600 word blog post about absolutely nothing, but I want to know what your story is. If you see this, please write back. Give me the apology I so rightly deserve. Yes, my email address is silly, but who cares? Is it any sillier than what I have been writing about on this blog for almost ten fucking years? No, it isn’t.
The ball is in your court, Carlee. What’s good?