It’s day three of the new year and my plan was to try to be more of thoughtful, caring soul in 2018. Then I looked at the name of my blog and went, “Fuck it.” Someone sent me a 1-star Yelp review by someone named Richard M. (I shall call him Dick for short) who did not enjoy his experience at The Cheesecake Factory. It wasn’t that he was disappointed with his Glamburger® of choice or that his fried macaroni and cheese balls were anything but a hot, gooey mess of salty perfection dripping from his chin. The thing that made Dick all hot and bothered was that he saw “to” men holding hands and kissing while they waited for a table. And the worst part of it all was that Dick’s two little boys had to witness this atrocity.
According to Dick, these two men were “tonging” each other without a care in the world and Dick thought this behavior was more suited to behind a bathroom stall or in a car. Well, guess what, Dick. It’s not illegal to be gay and the days of men and women having to hide their affection is gone. If your two little boys saw this, the only way they would think there is something wrong with it would be based on how you reacted to it, you big ol’ drama queen. If it had been a man and woman making out, I’m sure you would have been fine with it. And if it had been two women making out, it would probably remind you of your favorite porno. But two men? Clutch the pearls, girls. Dick can’t handle that and it’s all the fault of The Cheesecake Factory, so one star! I wonder what other things Dick doesn’t let his children see? People smoking cigarettes is bad so does he shield their virgin eyes every time someone lights up a Camel? I doubt it.
Dick plans to never return to this particular Cheesecake Factory and will go to the Hillcrest location instead. That will work out better for all involved, because we gays don’t go to the Hillcrest location. No, it’s true. As a gay, I know. It was in our monthly newsletter a few months ago:
Hey, girls! Heads up to all you queens who need to get your Golden Girls cheesecake fix: if you’re going to Cheesecake Factory, we only go to the one in the Fashion Valley mall because, duh. Fashion! Mall! Don’t go to the Hillcrest location. That’s where we let the straights go so they can live in their bubble of hetero, missionary-style sex and keep their kids away from things their stupid parents think they shouldn’t be exposed to. So if you need some Oreo® Dream Extreme Cheesecake, make sure you go to the Fashion Valley mall location. And make sure to make out while you wait for your table. If someone there doesn’t like it, it’s their own fault for going to the wrong Cheesecake Factory. Those people are dicks.
It’s 2018. I have high hopes for this year, but so far it’s the same old shit as I saw in 2017. Fuck you, Richard M. Get over yourself and face the facts that men kiss other men. Why don’t you worry about something that actually matters? By the way, you do realize that marijuana is legal in your state now, right? Make sure you don’t let your kids hear about that. Marijuana is the gateway drug and the next thing you know your little boys are going to get the munchies and be stuffing their faces with Buffalo Blasts® and Tex Mex Eggrolls. Meanwhile, we gays are going to be stuffing our faces with other things because just like weed, it’s legal.