The Worst To-Go Order of 2017

With 2017 about to inhale its last breath and sputter into a distant memory, it’s difficult to think of the one thing that sucked the most out of this year. You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting at least one shit show from 2017. Mary Tyler Moore and David Cassidy both died this year. It also finally became public knowledge that pretty much every woman in the country has been sexually harassed by some asshole with a penis. Donald Trump’s Twitter account is a shit show all its own. I mean, how can just one thing be the most awful event of a whole year? And then someone sent me this picture:

Good God, 2017, how much more can we endure? This call-in order makes my skin crawl. I can just imagine these 15 people who probably all work in an office together, sharing cubicles and a copy machine. Nine of them are like, “Cool, I’ll take a salad with Ranch.” And the other seven are all, “Well, I want one but…”

How can 47% of the people who have decided to order lunch be this picky? C’mon! Think of the poor “to-go person” who has to put this order together and spend the next thirty minutes picking out croutons, cheddar shreds and bacon bits? That person saw this order and seriously considered walking out right then because we all know that one of those salads is going to be wrong.

“Carol, I think you have my gluten free salad because I have a crouton in mine.”

“No, Helen Tom, I think I have Roberta’s salad because mine doesn’t have any onions and I didn’t ask them to leave the onions out of mine. Roberta do you have the right salad?”

“I’m not sure, Carol, because this salad doesn’t have any onions in it either, but it does have croutons. I can’t have croutons, I’ll be in the bathroom the rest of the day. Which salad do you have, Sheila Pat?”

“I don’t know. I wanted a vegetarian salad, but this one has bacon in it!”

And so on and so on…

Meanwhile nine men human beings of varying sexual identities are eating their salads and wondering how their co-workers manage to get through life each day while one of those men people is trying to decide how to tell the two women non-gender specific beings who call themselves “vegan” and “gluten and dairy free” that Ranch dressing doesn’t fall under either of those fucking categories.

Go home 2017, you’re drunk.

This post has been edited to make it more inclusive and not so sexist as so many people have told me it was. -BW

8 thoughts on “The Worst To-Go Order of 2017

  1. Anber

    I work for boston market. I have people tell me they can’t have the cornbread because of the gluten. But get our stuffing as a side. Its made from the cornbread.

    Reply
    1. CincyDrunk

      I dunno, a diary in my salad might make for some interesting reading during my lunch.

      “OMG BILLY TOOOOOTALLY TOUCHED MY HAND WALKING INTO ENGLISH CLASS!! I can’t wait to tell Becky! Regina is going to be soooo jealous that bitch. Billy is TOTALLY meant to be with me not that ginger slut. We’re going to get married and have three kids a boy a girl and another boy. Billy Junior, Kaylee cuz ya know it’s a mix of our names Katie and Billy, get it? and little Marshall cuz that name is sooooo cute! Anyways diary, gotta go! Gotta study for that math test tomorrow it’s gonna be KILLER!”

      I just got cancer from typing that.

      Reply
      1. dead_elvis

        Sorry to hear about your self-inflicted cancer, but that prose is still likely far more compelling than whatever drivel would be shat out by any of the parties involved in the story above. Not everyone is gifted with the gloriously bitchy pen that keeps us coming back here.

        Reply
  2. Ana

    I dunno, something about this smacks of a clueless office manager/admin trying to order food for the whole office without realizing a salad with bacon, croutons, and dairy fat dressing is the worst choice for a group of folks with varying food needs. Either that or one or two loudmouths in the group insisting on ordering their holiday lunch from this place come hell or high water.

    Reply
  3. Mary

    There’s nothing whatsoever sexist about the original version (and I’m an LGBT lady). It’s absolutely the truth. I want to know 9 and only 9 of those people, who are all the guys who are funny in the office. I used to work at that office,

    Reply
  4. Patti

    I have a wheat allergy. Luckily, I don’t usually go into anaphylactic shock, but if I eat a crumb from a crouton that was pulled off my salad then I have watery eyes, diarrhea and hives for 7-10 days. The diarrhea starts almost right away. So it’s in everyone’s best interest to get it right. I have never left a “mess” in a restroom, BTW.

    I also usually end up with at least one migraine after being “poisoned”. It’s the only time I have migraines any more, so my boss really doesn’t understand if I need to miss work for it.

    My son, is the same.

    I send mistakes back with an apology. I am polite, clear, double check and I tip well. In the places I eat regularly, servers great me like an old friend and speak to the chef personally to avoid mistakes.

    Waiters usually work hard to get my food right, but we have all been “screwed” by the waiter who thinks “gluten free” is just a fad.

    Reply

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