Dear Customers Who Take Both Copies of the Credit Card Receipt,
Stop doing that. Maybe you don’t know what happens when you absentmindedly walk out with the customer copy as well as the merchant copy of a credit card receipt, but servers know: we don’t get the tip you wrote in. That’s right, if the bill was for $50.56 and you left $11.00 on the tip line, we don’t get it and we have no choice but to hate you and wish bad things upon you for the rest of the night. Seriously, we will hope you get a flat tire or you will run out of gas. And the bigger the tip we didn’t get, the worse things we will wish for. If the tip is anywhere over $20, we are going to send out vibes for your brakes to stop working as you go down a hill. We don’t want you to die or anything, but we certainly wouldn’t mind if you lost control of your car and drove into a huge bale of hay or something that would make your airbags deploy and give you a raging headache. Or maybe we will hope that you will drop your cell phone in the parking lot and before you realize what had happened, another car will run over it and crush your iPhone X into tiny pieces. It may sound harsh, but hey, we basically just worked for free and we’re pissed off about it.
If you are one of the people who take the credit card receipt on purpose, you are officially a horrible person and if karma is a real thing, then you should be preparing your ass for the enormous bite it will soon be receiving. Do what ever can to protect your ass, because that bite is going to be bigger than when a great white shark spots a sea lion and snaps it up quicker than I do when a pizza roll comes out of the microwave. And your ass will deserve that bite. You will spend the rest of your life walking around with only half of an ass because karma will have the rest of your ass stuck between its teeth. Karma will chew and chew on your ass and eventually karma is going to get a toothpick to wedge pieces of your ass out from it’s pearly whites and each time it pulls out a sliver of your ass, it’s going to put your ass right back on its tongue and swallow it. Karma wants your ass.
So, what should you do if you get home to discover both copies of the receipt in your possession? You make amends, that’s what. You call the restaurant and tell them what happened so the server can open up that check again and adjust the tip amount. And if you don’t find the receipt until the next day, then you drive your full ass (because karma hasn’t had a chance to bite it yet) right back to the restaurant and give a cash tip to your server. Yes, cash, because the credit card had already been batched out and the check is closed. Cash is your only option now. It may be inconvenient for you, but that is your own damn fault. The inconvenience of the whole situation will soon wash away when you are on the receiving end of immense gratitude from the server who thought he had been stiffed. You will never see such thankfulness as you will see from a server who gets a tip from a customer days after they thought they had been stiffed. Doing this for your server will also come back in the form of karma. Instead of karma biting off half of your ass, it will instead bring you more ass. Your ass will be huge. In fact, you will have to buy new clothes because karma will bring you so much ass that your nickname will be Bubble Butt (insert name here).
In closing, please be mindful of the merchant copy of the credit card receipt. To you, it’s just another piece of paper. To us, it’s our livelihood.
Mustard and mayo,
The Bitchy Waiter