In customers’ never-ending quests to be absolved of all personal responsibility as soon as they set foot on the property of a restaurant, we have a new candidate for king of It’s Not My Fault Land, which is over the river and through the woods in the Valley of Entitlement. A man named John expects Cracker Barrel to assume responsibility for the damage to his tailgate that occurred when he was backing into a parking space and a tree hit his car. Of course he shared his issue on Cracker Barrel’s Facebook page:
Please help us resolve a problem. We damaged our tailgate backing into a parking spot. A tree hit the tailgate before our tires were stopped by the curb. Cracker Barrel says they have not responsibility in this matter. It is not too much to ask them to have clear parking spaces. It is not unreasonable to expect them to provide safe parking for any vehicle & ample clearance for any vehicle.
Oh, John. Dear, sweet, addle-minded, soft-brained John. Are you for real? First off, I love how you say the tree hit your car. Was this Cracker Barrel somewhere in Oz where the trees can move around and talk because I have never heard of tree hitting a car unless one of its branches broke off and fell? I think what you meant to say is your car hit the tree, is that it? And why the hell were you backing into the space anyway? If you would have pulled into the parking spot, you could be aware of any trees that might be about to jump into your way and damage your vehicle. You were probably backing into the spot so that after you filled your gut with gravy, you could exit more quickly and get right to your toilet, right?
Cracker Barrel rightly claims they have no responsibility in this matter because they fucking don’t. Anyone who would think otherwise must have cheese grits for brains. John claims that it isn’t unreasonable to expect a restaurant to provide safe parking. John is correct, but it’s not like the tree was dangerous. It wasn’t lurking in a dark alley smoking a cigarette and carrying a switchblade. It was just a tree living in fucking Cracker Barrel parking lot and probably hating life and can you blame it? Day in and day out, that tree watches people struggling to get out of their cars and pour themselves onto motorized scooters so they can roll inside and harden their arteries. Believe me, if that tree could move it wouldn’t bother hitting your car. The first thing it would do is bitch slap John. The second thing it would do is uproot itself and head on over to a park or a forest. A tree has no interest in damaging a tailgate.
John, my advice to you is this: accept that you backed into a tree and it’s nobody’s fault but your own. I know, I know, your next tailgate party is going to be a total bummer because of that damn Cracker Barrel tree, but it’s not the end of the world. The tree will continue to stand there just as sure as you will continue to eat fried okra and hash brown casserole to your heart’s content. Get thee to an auto repair shop and get the fuck over it.