Ladies and gentleman, let me introduce you to Chris B. He lives in Tarpon Springs, Florida, but he might be better off moving down the road to Tampon Springs, because he’s pretty much a douche. (I realize that tampons and douches aren’t the same thing, but it’s early in the morning and I’m writing this before I go to work…) Chris just left a review on Yelp and it’s full of self-satisfaction, ego-stroking and a bit of verbal masturbation.
It seems Chris ordered a drink and his buddy accidentally knocked it over. I like how he uses the word “buddy” instead of “friend” to make it very clear they are not in any kind of romantic relationship. He may as well have said “no homo.” Anyway, they ordered food and ate it which is pretty much what one is expected to do while in a restaurant. After they ate, the manger told them they were not allowed to have another drink. We don’t know why, but maybe it was because the manager thought they had already had too much to drink. Or maybe they had done something else that prevented the manager from wanting them to stay any longer. Maybe the smell of Axe Body Spray was filling her lungs to the point of asphyxiation and she just needed them to get the fuck out as soon as possible. Whatever the reason, she made the call.
Chris did not like that decision, so he created a Yelp account in order to write his first and only Yelp review. While Chris is certainly entitled to leave his opinion of the restaurant on the Internet, it’s a stupid review. Chris is probably used to leaving things around that nobody wants; farts that smell like broccoli and tuna or deuces into toilets that don’t get flushed. My problem with his review is how he starts it:
“Okay, first of all, I’m an engineer, with a college degree.”
Okay, that has absolutely no bearing on the review. Anyone with half a brain and Internet access can leave a review on Yelp, so it’s not like being a college graduate with a degree in engineering means your review is any more special than the review of someone else, Chris. No one gives a shit about your educational history. You may as well have said, “I’m a Gemini who likes long walks on the beach and here’s my review” or “I once pulled an enormous amount of wax out of my ear and here’s my review.” It has no bearing on anything and the only reason you wrote that is to make yourself feel superior.
He advises people to “stay away from this place” and then throws in one more dig at the manager:
“(she) was probably 22 year old. I’d like to see her college degree, and treat me like that.”
Look, asshole. Why do you need to see her college degree? Oh, wait, it’s because you assume she doesn’t have one because how could someone who works in a restaurant actually be smart enough to go to college, let alone graduate, is that it? Maybe her degree is in hotel and restaurant management. Or maybe she has a BA in theater like I do. Or maybe her degree is in engineering but she decided she didn’t want to work with a bunch of asshole like you. It‘s pretty fucking presumptuous of you to insinuate that she doesn’t have a college degree. There are lots and lots of people in the restaurant industry who do have college degrees. And you know what? Even if she doesn’t have a degree, it doesn’t mean that you are better than she is, so get off your high horse of engineering, roll your degree up into a tube, slather it with some oleo and go fuck yourself with it, Chris. Maybe if you and your “buddy” could manage to make it through a meal without needing a sippy cup, managers at restaurants might be more willing to let you have a second drink. Grow the fuck up. Good luck with your second Yelp review. I can’t wait to read it.
Here is the full review for everyone to all go read. I bet if enough of it flag as abusive, it will get taken down and Chris will have to go back to his big fancy engineering office and figure out another way to try to impress people.