It’s the day after Thanksgiving and if you are still looking for something to be thankful for, you can at least be grateful that your parents didn’t name you after the freakin’ Olive Garden.
Justin and Jordan Garton of Fort Smith, Arkansas loves them some Olive Garden. In fact, they ate there every day for seven weeks when they had one of those Never Ending Pasta Passes. Recently, the happy couple learned they were pregnant after Justin fertilized Jordan’s gnocchi with his bread stick and they knew right they wanted to take their love for Olive Garden to the next level and decided to name their future bundle of baked ziti after the restaurant. Yes, they are going to name their daughter Olivia Garton. They may as well just go ahead and tattoo a target onto the girl’s back because kids are masters at making fun of someone’s name and this name is ripe for picking. Olivia is a pretty name and Garton is mighty fine surname as well, but why the hell would anyone want to put those two names together? It’s as if they want their daughter to hate them.
“Daddy, my friend is named after her great-great grandmother who was a suffragette and fought for the rights of women over 100 years ago. Am I named after anyone cool like that?”
“No, you’re named after that building over on Rogers Avenue, right next to Red Lobster and the Dollar Tree. Now, shut up and put on your mozzarella hat, it’s cold outside, Olivia.”
I suppose it could be worse. What if Justin and Jordan loved Dairy Queen and wanted to name their little boy Hunger Buster Jr., something? Or what if Pizza Hut was their favorite restaurant and the had to name their daughter Lisa Slut? Still, Olivia Garton is pretty bad.
When Justin Tweeted a photo of a onesie that Olivia will be forced to wear very, very soon, an Olive Garden spokesperson saw the Tweet and got a big old minestrone boner about the whole thing.
— Justin Garton (@JustinGarton) November 20, 2017
Said the spokesperson, “We couldn’t have been more thrilled upon hearing about the Garton’s growing family. We always love hearing the unique ways our guests have been able to connect with Olive Garden, and we can’t wait to meet baby Olivia.” They plan on sending food and gifts to the Garton family when the baby is born, which is may be exactly what the parents had in mind the whole time. I bet after their Never Ending Pasta Pass expired, they tried to figure out a way to continue with the piles and piles of pasta and came up with this hare-brained scheme. No word on Olivia’s middle name, but I certainly hope it’s Coca-Cola so mom and dad can look forward to some free carbonated beverages too.
Well played, Gartons. Well played.