Being the Bitchy Waiter isn’t all peaches and cream. Sure, it’s fun being recognized on the street once every six to nine months. And who doesn’t want to experience the joy of reading hundreds of bad Yelp reviews trying to find the perfect one to make fun of? I also get a lot of messages, about 150 a week. I do my best to reply to as many as I can, but I have an automated response that goes to every single message so that the sender will know that I received it. Every now and then I get a message that can definitely be filed under the “hate mail” category and it happened this week after my post about Chili’s non-existent “Kids Drink [Alcohol] Free” article. It was written with my tongue so firmly placed in my cheek that it looked like I was sucking on a golf ball. The satirical articles are fun to write because they let me say pretty much anything I want to say, but the most fun about them is reading all the comments from people who believe the ridiculousness. I would never expect that someone could believe a major chain like Chili’s would think it’s alright to serve alcohol to children, especially when the names in the article are Gail T. Totaler and Gary Indiana of Gary, Indiana. Nevertheless, there are always people who do believe the articles or get upset that I wrote them.
I awoke this morning to my usual routine of a screwdriver for breakfast while checking my messages on Facebook. One sender, Adam, was very upset with me. So upset, in fact, that he hoped my book does shitty and that I’d get “ran” over by a truck. Well, the jokes on you, Adam, because my book did do shitty and I also hope to get run over by a truck every time I am walking to work. Adam got his Underoos in a knot because his wife works at Chili’s and he felt that my article was going to damage the reputation of the restaurant and cause people to stop coming in. Of course he received my automated response which sent him into a further tizzy. Seriously, his underwear is so far up his asshole that it’s almost coming out of his mouth.
Because I am a giver and like to respond to all of my loving fans, I replied to his message. In fact, we had a full on conversation where he continued to call me a piece of shit and told me that karma is a bitch. Yes, karma is a bitch, but so am I which is why I took screenshots of our conversation so I can share them with all of you. (See below!) He also told me that anyone who bought my book is an idiot, so basically he called about 75 of you idiots. (If you want to be an idiot too, you can buy my book here.) He told me to go fuck myself, which is physically impossible for me to do. Some guys can do that, but not me. My anatomy simply does not work that way and believe me, I’ve tried.
He went on to express his anger that Chili’s may be “loosing” customers because of what I wrote. My thought about that is if anyone read that article and thought it was true and decided to never go to Chili’s again, it’s probably for the best because those people are too stupid to know how to tip and no server would want to wait on them anyway. He also warned me that Chili’s may soon sue me for slander which is simply impossible since slander is a spoken or oral defamatory statement. Mine was written, so maybe they will sue me for libel. I’m not worried though, because I’m pretty sure Chili’s can tell the difference between a satirical article written for a third-rate blog and bonafide news story written by the Associated Press. After one more reply from me, he called me a dick. I am officially done with Adam and this is the final word I have for him. I present it to him (and you) in video format: