A Comment on Comments; the Chili’s Edition

Being the Bitchy Waiter isn’t all peaches and cream. Sure, it’s fun being recognized on the street once every six to nine months. And who doesn’t want to experience the joy of reading hundreds of bad Yelp reviews trying to find the perfect one to make fun of? I also get a lot of messages, about 150 a week. I do my best to reply to as many as I can, but I have an automated response that goes to every single message so that the sender will know that I received it. Every now and then I get a message that can definitely be filed under the “hate mail” category and it happened this week after my post about Chili’s non-existent “Kids Drink [Alcohol] Free” article. It was written with my tongue so firmly placed in my cheek that it looked like I was sucking on a golf ball. The satirical articles are fun to write because they let me say pretty much anything I want to say, but the most fun about them is reading all the comments from people who believe the ridiculousness. I would never expect that someone could believe a major chain like Chili’s would think it’s alright to serve alcohol to children, especially when the names in the article are Gail T. Totaler and Gary Indiana of Gary, Indiana. Nevertheless, there are always people who do believe the articles or get upset that I wrote them.

I awoke this morning to my usual routine of a screwdriver for breakfast while checking my messages on Facebook. One sender, Adam, was very upset with me. So upset, in fact, that he hoped my book does shitty and that I’d get “ran” over by a truck. Well, the jokes on you, Adam, because my book did do shitty and I also hope to get run over by a truck every time I am walking to work. Adam got his Underoos in a knot because his wife works at Chili’s and he felt that my article was going to damage the reputation of the restaurant and cause people to stop coming in. Of course he received my automated response which sent him into a further tizzy. Seriously, his underwear is so far up his asshole that it’s almost coming out of his mouth.

Because I am a giver and like to respond to all of my loving fans, I replied to his message. In fact, we had a full on conversation where he continued to call me a piece of shit and told me that karma is a bitch. Yes, karma is a bitch, but so am I which is why I took screenshots of our conversation so I can share them with all of you. (See below!) He also told me that anyone who bought my book is an idiot, so basically he called about 75 of you idiots. (If you want to be an idiot too, you can buy my book here.) He told me to go fuck myself, which is physically impossible for me to do. Some guys can do that, but not me. My anatomy simply does not work that way and believe me, I’ve tried.

He went on to express his anger that Chili’s may be “loosing” customers because of what I wrote. My thought about that is if anyone read that article and thought it was true and decided to never go to Chili’s again, it’s probably for the best because those people are too stupid to know how to tip and no server would want to wait on them anyway. He also warned me that Chili’s may soon sue me for slander which is simply impossible since slander is a spoken or oral defamatory statement. Mine was written, so maybe they will sue me for libel. I’m not worried though, because I’m pretty sure Chili’s can tell the difference between a satirical article written for a third-rate blog and bonafide news story written by the Associated Press. After one more reply from me, he called me a dick. I am officially done with Adam and this is the final word I have for him. I present it to him (and you) in video format:


18 thoughts on “A Comment on Comments; the Chili’s Edition

  1. sweaterotica

    Did he call his wife “it”? He said “it makes $45,000a year”. A Chili’s franchise, I’m sure, pulls in more. So I’m guessing he means his wife.

  2. jp

    I had the same question. If the whole damn restaurant pulls in no more than 45K a year, I would say it is on the verge of bankruptcy, and explains why Adam is so terrified that 1 or 2 of the losers who go there might stop.
    “Comment on Comments” are my absolute favorite BW posts! This one is a classic.

    1. dead_elvis

      Plus, as he repeatedly stated, his wife’s got a family to support. I assume that if she “looses” her job, his sorry ass might have to get one (and that would cut into the amount of time he has to berate & denigrate bloggers he doesn’t quite understand).

      This might be my very most favorite thing you’ve ever posted, Bitchy!

      1. Tracy Fields

        EXACTLY what I was thinking Michelle! The fact that he states his wife has a family to support implies that she is the only one supporting said family. Would hate for the poor guy to have to get his hand out of his britches, quit scratching and get a job!

  3. Nathan Shockey

    If it helps, I thought the article was a riot and I work at Chili’s. It was nice to confirm our “virgin” drinks were lying about it the whole time.

  4. Brandon Poppert

    Thank you for this! I just bought your book from the url in your initial message (I was planning on it anyway, I just hadn’t done it yet). I guess you can thank him for reminding me to order!

  5. Deb

    Have just purchased another copy of your book, so that’s 76 copies. I’ve already bought 3, but people keep taking them. Thank you.

  6. Teri Franks

    I look forward to your post and especially enjoy when you are able to point out the obvious to anyone idiot. I hop doesn’t carry syrup anymore.
    I sure hope everyone doesn’t stop going there.
    I love you ,I love your post and as a 20 year server/bartender everything you write is great.

  7. miss kitty

    Oh c’mon! We all know the two or three people who believed that was true were the same people who ran this guy’s wife’s ass off and didn’t tip. So if he ever actually listened to his wife when she got home he’d be glad you were getting rid of those customers for her. He probably treats her like his own personal servant when she gets home though.

  8. Taanja

    Haha! I am dying. Imagine that! Bitchy waiter is .. *gasp!* BITCHY!

    Thanks BW — this blog is a riot — in a good way.

  9. Ex Chilihead

    I love that he got so angry and worked himself into quite a tizzy over the virtually impossible chance that anyone might actually read the article and believe it to be true. It’s quite obvious that, while you are a very talented author with a spectacularly creative vocabulary and a flair for satire and pushing the envelope, your writing is not journalism, nor is it meant to be perceived as such.

    The only fool is the commenter for believing anyone would think this was a real promotion. He acts all high and mighty about BW “slandering” the good name of Chili’s with his defamatory remarks but the truth is Chilis has been in hot water not just once, not only twice, but on numerous occasions for instances of serving underage minors alcoholic beverages. Granted those instances were accidents and mistakes, but they were newsworthy and caused a change in corporate policy regarding the sale of alcohol and how their stores check identification for proof of age. The reality is what sets the scene for the satire to be created to call out the ironic…and he just proved his ignorance.


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