An Open Letter to Customers Ordering the $1 Margarita at Applebee’s

Dear Applebee’s Customer,

October is upon us and Halloween is rapidly approaching. As we near the the 31st of the month and are surrounded by frightening witches, spooky goblins and sexy versions of every occupation known to mankind, there is only one thing that can make this month even scarier: $1 margaritas at Applebee’s.

It’s horrifying in two ways. For the servers, it’s terrifying to see customers like you clawing at the front door for cheap margaritas like a pack zombies desperate for more brains. For you customers it’s scary because those margaritas are gonna suck. Seriously, they’re a dollar, so what do you expect? My husband once told me that when he was in college, he and a friend made margaritas out of the closest thing they could find to margarita mix at 7-11 and they used Gatorade. I bet you a dollar that his Gatorade margarita was better than the dollar one you buy at Applebee’s. True, I have never had the dollar margarita at Applebee’s, but I have had the regular priced one and it tasted like sour mix and Splenda blended with ice and a tequila-flavored Now and Later. (You can click here to watch my Facebook Live video of me having lunch at Applebee’s just a few months ago.) If an $8.00 margarita tasted that bad, what the hell is one that costs a dollar going to taste like?

So, Applebee’s customers, I want to give you some advice: aim higher. Just because someone in the corporate boardroom of Applebee’s came up with this October promotion doesn’t mean that $1 margaritas are a good idea. That margarita is going to disappoint you more than I disappoint 95% of my customers. However, if you do decide to go to Applebee’s and get trashed on cheap margaritas, think of the servers. They are busting their asses carrying dollar drinks to cheap assholes (no offense) and probably not making much money doing it. If Bubba Ray and Belva Kay each order three margaritas and nothing else, their bill will be about $6.50. A 20% tip would be just $1.30. Your server deserves more than $1.30 for carrying out six drinks and having to witness you trying to force them down. If you’re only spending a dollar a drink, you can at least throw an extra few bucks to your server for dealing with the likes of you all month.

Enjoy your cheap ass margaritas, you cheap bitches.

Mustard and mayo,
The Bitchy Waiter

p.s.

You can click this photo if you want to buy a tequila-flavored Now and Later:

21 thoughts on “An Open Letter to Customers Ordering the $1 Margarita at Applebee’s

    1. Pamela Loe

      I agree you are a dumbass. We here at Old Trolley Rd in Summerville SC do not and never will water any of our drinks down. Get your facts straight

      Reply
  1. Belle

    Bitchy (Darren), have you seen Talledega Nights? Thought of you, at the end, when they say “Let’s go find an Applebee’s to get thrown out of!” Best ever! Be well, Bitchy!

    Love and Tips, Shellebelle

    Reply
    1. dead_elvis

      Yeah, they’re definitely real! Didn’t you click the photo? It’s a link that takes you to a bulk pack of Tequila-flavored Now & Laters!

      Reply
  2. bigtipper

    20% is 20%. You can’t bitch about getting it at one place and demand it at another. Just another reason the system is so screwed up. If serving a meal that costs $100 takes just as much time and work as one that costs $20, your aren’t justified to 5 times the tip. I personally would tip much more under a system that rewards the effort than one that demands a percentage…but of course most of you could not make a living being paid what you are actually worth, based on the effort. Oh well.

    Reply
    1. Ziggy

      Oh, I could!!!! Been actively honing my “Craft” for almost 50 years now & can OUT SERVE many younguns!!!! style & grace. I make my money……because I EARN IT!!!!!

      Reply
  3. Hannah

    I think I may die from inhaling margarita mix… It hasn’t even been a weekend night yet. Pray for me and my fellow bartenders this weekend and every weekend.

    Reply
  4. M

    I used to manage an applbees… ingredients are water , gyro tequila ($6 a bottle). optimizer. And sweet and sour. Sorry for your taste buds.

    Reply
  5. Pingback: Applebee’s Bartender Shows Dollaritas Are Made With Mostly Water « NOW 100.5 FM

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  7. Kana

    I love the stupidity of haters when you expose something for what it is. Any moron who will lap up margarita flavored tap water hoping to catch a buzz should go right for the shot of Patron and spend a few extra bucks. We all know who this restaurant customer is, the lonely heart looking for love in a salt rimmed glass while staring at their own reflection with two of their friends who are in the same boat. The same one who after six rounds of a water laced margarita leaves a two dollar tip on their burger because they don’t tip on alcohol.

    Reply
    1. Dave

      I love the stupidity of children crying in internet comments about “haters”.

      Seriously, the fact that you’re so invested in Applebee’s $1 margaritas is really sad.

      Reply
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  9. Dave

    It’s adorable reading these comments.

    > Shitty restaurant waitress is upset because she’s shitty restaurant waitress

    > Acts like whiny, edgy, entitled child, expects sympathy, wonders why she’s still a waitress.

    Gimme a break. Instead of crying about how much you hate the people keeping you employed, spend that time doing something pro-active or looking for a better job.

    Reply

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