Woman Bitten By Snake at LongHorn Steakhouse

Well the big news of the week (other than major hurricanes, earthquakes and various natural disasters, North Korea inching closer to annihilating the rest of the world, President Trump going to battle with the NFL, and the national healthcare debate) is that a woman went to LongHorn Steak House in Spotsylvania, Virginia and got bitten by a copperhead snake. For those of you who didn’t grow up in the country like I did, those snakes are venomous. Growing up in Texas, I can’t tell you how many copperheads I beheaded. Once, I found myself standing on one and for some reason it chose not to bite me. It probably sensed that I was going to taste bitter.

Anyhoo, Rachel Myrick went to LongHorn Steakhouse with her son, boyfriend, and a group of friends when she was bitten by the bitch ass snake as soon as she went onto the restaurant. At first, she thought it was a bee sting, but when she looked down, she saw an 8” snake hanging off her toe.

“I freaked out,” said Myrick. “I got bit! I got bit!”

Her son and boyfriend stomped on the snake to kill it because I guess they didn’t have a hoe around to chop that head off. As she waited for an ambulance, the rest of the party went on in to eat because I guess Roasted White Cheddar Stuffed Mushrooms were more important than their friend who might be dying from a snake bite any minute.

“Oh my god! Rachel just got bit by a snake- hey, look Firecracker Chicken Wraps! Who wants to split that with me?”

A LongHorn spokesman Hunter Robinson who sounds like he used to be on CBS’s Falcon Crest in 1982, said that the restaurant chain’s primary concern is for Myrick’s well-being, and wants to provide any assistance that it can. To their credit, they did comp the meal.

“This was a highly unusual incident, and we are working with our facilities team to see how this may have occurred and we are taking steps to prevent it from happening again,” he said.

Hey, Hunter. I’ll tell you how it happened: a freaking snake just slithered its ass into the restaurant because it wanted a Steakhouse Bacon Cheeseburger. You can’t really control wildlife. If you want to prevent it from happening again, I would suggest a big sign that says “No Snakes Allowed.” That ought to do it. You also should totally supply every server with a hoe in case it happens again so snake beheading can become part of the sidework.

I already read a few comments from people saying that they won’t go to LongHorn anymore because of this incident.

Umm, Florence, you know that a snake can pretty much go where ever the hell it wants, right? The snakes aren’t Googling to see where the nearest LongHorn Steakhouse is. Live your life, girl. if you give in to the fear of snakes, the snakes win.

In closing, I couldn’t help but wonder what Samuel L. Jackson thought about this story since his infamous role in Snakes on a Plane. I reached out to him for a comment and he sent this video statement:

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