Today’s guest post comes from Chelsea Wolf and she clearly says exactly what’s on her mind. It’s probably the same thing that is on most of our minds. Thanks! xo, BW
I have been in the service industry for almost half of my life. What started as a probation period has morphed into a life sentence. I have worked my way up from cashier at a knockoff Dairy Queen to dive bar waitress serving pitchers of beer during wing night to cocktail waitress to nightclub bartender. While I love my job, really, I do, we all have our breaking points. Here are my top 5 sassy comebacks and how to avoid being on the receiving end of one.
5. “What’s the cheapest thing here?” – customer
“Apparently you.” – me
Asking what the cheapest drink in the bar is is tacky. Not only are you letting the bartender know that you’ll probably be carried out by security within the next hour but 99% of the time, this means you are not going to tip.
4. “Can I have more alcohol in this?” – customer
“I don’t know, can I have a bigger tip?” – me
I find this question particularly offensive. My sole job behind the bar is to pour drinks. By asking for more alcohol in yours, you’re assuming that I don’t know how to do my job. Also, if there is no incentive to hook you up, I’m not going to do it. Liquor is not free. If the liquor costs don’t add up, the staff is punished. Is pouring you more well whiskey really worth losing my job? No, no it is not.
3. “Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!” – customer
“If you have to begin your sentence with an apology, maybe you should rethink what you’re about to say to me.” – me
Unless you are having an emergency (and no, needing an iPhone charger doesn’t qualify as one), don’t scream at me while I’m helping another customer. It’s rude!
2. “You’re too cute to be a bartender.” – customer
“And you’re too ugly to be talking to me and yet, here we are.” – me
Ah yes, the bro who tries to belittle me and hit on me all at the same time. It’s never a wise idea to piss off the person serving you. Worst case scenario: I get you kicked out. Best case scenario: I serve you well liquor. Enjoy your hangover!
1. “It’s only 3:55am, I need another drink!” – customer
“No, what you need is a water and a meeting in a church basement.” – me
Possibly my most savage comeback to date. But seriously, lunging over the bar to show me the time on your phone and begging for another drink at closing time is not a good look for anyone. Especially not some bro in finance in his mid-30’s. I’m looking at you, Chad.