If We Could Write Yelp Reviews About Our Customers

Since customers can write reviews about us on Yelp all the damn time, I decided to write a review about some of my customers from last week:

It was a slow night at the restaurant. It was 96° when I was walking to my dinner shift so I wasn’t expecting much. There was also rain in the forecast. That, coupled with the piddling excuse we have for A/C, kept my expectations very low for the evening. Against my better judgment, I went ahead and wiped down the patio only to have it start raining twenty minutes after I was done. I decided to not wipe it down again because the humidity level made it feel like we we were living inside a mouth. We close at 11:00 and by 9:45, the last customer had already left. I prayed that we would close early, but God never seems to answer that prayer for me, so we stayed open. At 10:10, a couple came in wanting to sit on the patio despite the extreme mugginess. I explained to them that everything was wet because it had rained again not thirty minutes before. They asked me to wipe it down for them. I led them to the patio and told them to pick a table. “Which one?” they asked. “It doesn’t matter because I have to wipe down whichever one you choose,” I told them. They chose the four top explaining that two more people were joining them. “And can you wipe down the chairs too?” they asked. Like I wasn’t going to fucking do that…

Their friends showed up five minutes later and the four of them sat in the sauna we call the patio. They decided to only drink which meant that any chance of this being a decent check was now out the window. They ordered for drinks. Ten minutes later, the two guys ordered two more. At 10:40, I gave them last call because they needed to know that it’s about time to wrap this shit up. The two guys ordered two more drinks, despite having two full ones in front of them. At 10:55, I gave them the check for $86.00. At 11:10, they gave me two credit cards. This is when I noticed they were blatantly ignoring the “NO SMOKING ON THE PATIO” sign that was right fucking next to them. Their glasses were full of cigarette butts.

One guy left me $4 and the other left me $6. Ten bucks, half of which goes to the bartender. They left at 11:30 and I was five dollars richer. I’d have rather left 45 minutes earlier with five less dollars.

One star for these assholes. Not worth my time. Rude. Smelled like ashtrays. The women looked like skanks. One of the men was wearing acid washed jeans. I would never wait on them again. Go fuck yourselves.

Read the full review here.

9 thoughts on “If We Could Write Yelp Reviews About Our Customers

  1. Arielle

    If I could write a Yelp review about my Mother-in-law:

    Please, please, *PLEASE* stop doing this shit when we go out to dinner with you:
    1) Our server doesn’t give a shit what your son’s name is, so stop saying “Josh will have a coke zero” or “bring Josh some extra au jus.” I don’t know why you do this, but I can tell that servers hate it. We all hate it. My husband is 40 years old, not 10. But even if he were a child, I’m guessing that servers still wouldn’t give a shit what his name was.

    2) Stop asking if something on the menu is good or not. Haven’t you noticed that every single time you’ve inquired, you’re always told it’s fantastic? Do you honestly think they’ll tell you the truth, whether that it’s something they haven’t tried it yet, or that it tastes like a jock strap braised in salty cat piss? You know they’re gonna tell you it’s great, so stop wasting their time and just fucking order it.

    3) That snapping of your fingers to get the server’s attention? It makes me want to left hook you in your fucking throat. I bet the server at the receiving end of such shitty treatment wants to do worse. You say servers appreciate when customers are “assertive like that.” No, bitch, snapping your fingers at our server is *not* assertive. It’s assholey and rude AF so please stop doing this.

    4) Ever wonder why either my husband or I always “forgets” something at our table? Well, that’s actually one of us going back to leave a much better tip than what your cheap ass has ever thought to leave. After putting up with your crap, ten to fifteen percent is just downright insulting. Sometimes we even get lucky enough to run into our server so we can apologize on your behalf, you asshole. And yes, we’ve tried leaving more of a tip in front of you. But we got tired of hearing why you think the owners should pay them more and it shouldn’t be our job to make up for it.

    Your own daughter is a server, so it’s completely beyond my realm of understanding how you continue to operate at this cave woman-like level when you dine out. Has she not regaled you with enough stories of shitty customers?

    Overall, I rate you at one star.

    Reply
    1. Mac

      Arielle I loved your post! It made me literally laugh out loud. Good to hear that you and your husband try to make up for your mother in laws behavior. Sorry you have to deal with it.

      Reply
  2. Anonymous

    Fuck working the patio in summer. I got heat exhaustion from that shit last year, and had to pay someone to cover my shift so I could go home and not fucking die.

    Reply
  3. Mz chow

    Yesterday I let a customer know what I thought of her $4 tip on her $56 bill .
    She had a party of four and sat up on the upstairs patio….my service was friendly, attentive, upbeat and everything came out fast and delicious.
    I plain up said “you know that’s even less than 10% right?”
    She totally got all puffy and shocked.
    Lol
    Good.
    You get two 🌟 stars just for the entertainment of seeing your shocked face.

    Reply
  4. Renéné

    As awesome as that would be to do…still not professional at all.

    -someone who waitresses 40+ hours a week for the last 8 years.

    Reply
  5. Rhonda Pratt

    One of the best paying jobs and also the shittiests jobs (because of the owner) allowed us to refuse tips and tell them “You need these two dollars {on a $50 bill} more than I do) She hated people that didn’t tip properly. The down side she yelled at all of the staff in the front of the house, in front of customers. And called us all of the names you could possibly think of.

    Reply
  6. Kate

    I asked you what kind of pie you wanted for “free pie night,” you told me in the nastiest way possible (because you are incapable of treating me like a human being) that you needed your plates cleared before you got your pie. I generally hate when customers ask me to take their plates, but I had no problem taking them because I would have anyway. After collecting the other three plates, I asked you if I could take yours because you hadn’t tried to hand it to me, but you yelled at me because you wanted a box for your last bite. So I took all the plates but yours and came back seconds later with a box before I got your pie, hoping that would give you enough time to clear your plate. So I dished up your damn pie, with two trays of food for different tables coming up any minute in the window, and being told that I had just gone down at another. I had just enough time to take your pies out on a tray. I tried to trade your plate for the pie, silently begging you to hurry so I could get my food out and greet my table. You told me that you wanted a bigger box, even though the amount of food you had (1/2 of a biscuit) clearly fit in the smaller one. I was confused, but I told you with the biggest fake smile I could muster, “Of course, I will be right back with a bigger box,” and tried to set down your pie, and you literally screamed at me because you still had your one plate sitting in front of you, even though I gave you a damn box that would have easily fit half a biscuit. You were a group of four sitting at a six-person booth. Just move your damn plate over a couple of inches for five seconds while I run back to get a bigger box and then I can take your plate, and your request will be granted, and you won’t have any plates sitting on your table while you eat your damn pie. I am not going to take a whole tray of pies back into the kitchen to get you one box, especially when I have other shit to do. Seriously fuck you. I did my job and I did it well. You’re such an entitled asshole that if you found a golden ticket in a Wonka bar, you wouldn’t make it to the end of Willy Wonka’s tour of the chocolate factory. I honestly wish that I had taken that free pie and smashed it in your face, but I didn’t. I still treated you with respect after you literally screamed at me for no rational reason, because my mother raised me better than that (But to be fair, if there was no fear of retaliation from my employer, all bets are off on the pie thing. I never claimed to be perfect). One star. Never ever come back, you garbage person. I hope you called to complain about me because I am definitely gonna complain about you. I have one shift left, so I have no regrets posting this comment.

    Reply

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