If We Could Write Yelp Reviews About Our Customers

Since customers can write reviews about us on Yelp all the damn time, I decided to write a review about some of my customers from last week:

It was a slow night at the restaurant. It was 96° when I was walking to my dinner shift so I wasn’t expecting much. There was also rain in the forecast. That, coupled with the piddling excuse we have for A/C, kept my expectations very low for the evening. Against my better judgment, I went ahead and wiped down the patio only to have it start raining twenty minutes after I was done. I decided to not wipe it down again because the humidity level made it feel like we we were living inside a mouth. We close at 11:00 and by 9:45, the last customer had already left. I prayed that we would close early, but God never seems to answer that prayer for me, so we stayed open. At 10:10, a couple came in wanting to sit on the patio despite the extreme mugginess. I explained to them that everything was wet because it had rained again not thirty minutes before. They asked me to wipe it down for them. I led them to the patio and told them to pick a table. “Which one?” they asked. “It doesn’t matter because I have to wipe down whichever one you choose,” I told them. They chose the four top explaining that two more people were joining them. “And can you wipe down the chairs too?” they asked. Like I wasn’t going to fucking do that…

Their friends showed up five minutes later and the four of them sat in the sauna we call the patio. They decided to only drink which meant that any chance of this being a decent check was now out the window. They ordered for drinks. Ten minutes later, the two guys ordered two more. At 10:40, I gave them last call because they needed to know that it’s about time to wrap this shit up. The two guys ordered two more drinks, despite having two full ones in front of them. At 10:55, I gave them the check for $86.00. At 11:10, they gave me two credit cards. This is when I noticed they were blatantly ignoring the “NO SMOKING ON THE PATIO” sign that was right fucking next to them. Their glasses were full of cigarette butts.

One guy left me $4 and the other left me $6. Ten bucks, half of which goes to the bartender. They left at 11:30 and I was five dollars richer. I’d have rather left 45 minutes earlier with five less dollars.

One star for these assholes. Not worth my time. Rude. Smelled like ashtrays. The women looked like skanks. One of the men was wearing acid washed jeans. I would never wait on them again. Go fuck yourselves.

Read the full review here.

3 thoughts on “If We Could Write Yelp Reviews About Our Customers

  1. Arielle

    If I could write a Yelp review about my Mother-in-law:

    Please, please, *PLEASE* stop doing this shit when we go out to dinner with you:
    1) Our server doesn’t give a shit what your son’s name is, so stop saying “Josh will have a coke zero” or “bring Josh some extra au jus.” I don’t know why you do this, but I can tell that servers hate it. We all hate it. My husband is 40 years old, not 10. But even if he were a child, I’m guessing that servers still wouldn’t give a shit what his name was.

    2) Stop asking if something on the menu is good or not. Haven’t you noticed that every single time you’ve inquired, you’re always told it’s fantastic? Do you honestly think they’ll tell you the truth, whether that it’s something they haven’t tried it yet, or that it tastes like a jock strap braised in salty cat piss? You know they’re gonna tell you it’s great, so stop wasting their time and just fucking order it.

    3) That snapping of your fingers to get the server’s attention? It makes me want to left hook you in your fucking throat. I bet the server at the receiving end of such shitty treatment wants to do worse. You say servers appreciate when customers are “assertive like that.” No, bitch, snapping your fingers at our server is *not* assertive. It’s assholey and rude AF so please stop doing this.

    4) Ever wonder why either my husband or I always “forgets” something at our table? Well, that’s actually one of us going back to leave a much better tip than what your cheap ass has ever thought to leave. After putting up with your crap, ten to fifteen percent is just downright insulting. Sometimes we even get lucky enough to run into our server so we can apologize on your behalf, you asshole. And yes, we’ve tried leaving more of a tip in front of you. But we got tired of hearing why you think the owners should pay them more and it shouldn’t be our job to make up for it.

    Your own daughter is a server, so it’s completely beyond my realm of understanding how you continue to operate at this cave woman-like level when you dine out. Has she not regaled you with enough stories of shitty customers?

    Overall, I rate you at one star.

  2. Anonymous

    Fuck working the patio in summer. I got heat exhaustion from that shit last year, and had to pay someone to cover my shift so I could go home and not fucking die.


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