The Need for Ranch Dressing is Out of Control

Ranch dressing is the bane of our existence because we add so many steps to each of our days simply by walking back and forth to the kitchen to get more of it for desperate people who love it so much. Why do people crave it so incessantly? Just the other day, someone wrote me about a couple at her restaurant who asked for six ramekins of the stuff. This, after they realized there was no kid menu for their little girl. The waitress watched this mom and dad spoon feed their one-year old approximately 9 ounces of Ranch dressing for dinner. Yes, that really happened. (Full disclosure: in high school, my favorite thing to eat was Mr. Gatti’s pizza dipped in Ranch. I am not proud.)

Well those parents are about to have their lives made easy because there is now a Ranch Dressing fountain available. It can hold three bottles of it and once you plug that bitch in, you can dip away to your fat heart’s content. Mom and Dad can do away with ramekins and spoons and just prop that baby under the constant flow of creamy deliciousness. When the baby gets full (or drowns, whichever comes first) they can roll baby away from the fountain, hose it down and wait three hours to feed it again. It’s a dream come true.

I don’t think there is any food in this country that hasn’t been dipped in Ranch dressing. I’m sure there is someone out there who has braised a pork chop in Ranch or made a Ranch dressing birthday cake or popsicles and I would not be surprised if someone told me about a hipster bar in Brooklyn that made a Ranch Dressing Old Fashioned and served it in a foil envelope. Ranch is like herpes and will never go away.

If you work in a restaurant with customers who are in need of Ranch dressing, might I suggest that you have your manager purchase the Ranch Dressing Fountain? It will let your customers do all the dipping they need, but I bet cleaning that thing out is no picnic and it will end up being your least favorite bit of closing sidework.

17 thoughts on “The Need for Ranch Dressing is Out of Control

  1. Sharkgirl

    I hate ranch dressing with the passion of a thousand white-hot suns. I do not want it anywhere near my food or my person.

  2. Christine

    I like home-made ranch, but I make it mainly for my spouse. Like you, some years ago there was nothing like pepperoni pizza with ranch dressing on it but also had to add Tapatio on top of that.

  3. Sarah

    I make my own ranch if I feel the need for it.
    I can’t stand it, haven’t been able to since living with a ranch monster for years.
    Gimme mayo and ketchup for fries.

  4. Alex

    We don’t have ranch where I work! It’s the best feeling when people ask for it and I get to say WE DONT HAVE RANCH!!!

  5. Spyk2th

    What happened to some of the oldies but goodies? Such as, Thousand Island, Blue Cheese, Roquefort, Vinegar and Oil, Italian, Russian, Catalina, the “House Dressing” , etc.? There are so many versions of Ranch, (and some are the foulest “dressing” perpetrated upon the public at large), I wonder if there is a true “Recipe” that does not dissolve the utensils and dishes used to serve it!

    1. Kaos

      I make my own roquefort because it’s nigh impossible to find anymore. I also make my own blue cheese because I like it better than commercial dressings, likewise O&V, and Italian. I buy Russian because IDK a recipe for it but I use it only on Reuben sandwiches so it’s all good. Ranch, in any iteration is gross. I just don’t get the obsession with it.

  6. Jill

    There is a hick/ mountain town outside Portland, Oregon called Gresham, and every fat fuck from there eats so much ranch, we call it Gresham Gravy.. gross

  7. Bryony

    As a brit I have no clue what ranch is and I’m glad no one else does either!
    However its The biggest bane when people ask for tomato sauce or mayo and don’t even touch it!
    I could have told them that their £55 steak won’t need it!

  8. Courtney

    At the last place I worked at, there was a family of 4 that ORDERED their server(a friend of mine) to get them 18 2oz ramekins of Ranch dressing, and they counted each one that was put on the table. Then about 10 minutes after they had started their meals they asked for 6 more servings to be brought out. Again they counted every single one(and were charged for each one to boot) and shut up for the rest of their meal.

    When my server friend went back to their table to deliver their check there was only 4 cups that had been used. Total.

    Joke however was on the family because we couldn’t comp them off due to them hitting the table when the mom bitched about how much money each cup was. So she asked for lids to be brought out and they took all the cups of ranch home- or so we thought. Found the remaining 20 cups of ranch exploded all over the side of the store where cameras don’t see, and smeared across the bricks. It was the middle of June when this happened, no rain in the forecast either.

    I love ranch, but I’m not wasteful like these hicks were.


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