I Don’t Want to Touch Your Used Toothpicks

I don’t want to pick up your disgusting toothpicks. I’m all for dental hygiene and I can certainly understand your desire to walk out of the restaurant without spinach, meat or anything else stuck in your teeth, although I’m pretty sure that pube was there when you got here. And it does not matter to me where the toothpick came from. If it came from the hostess, the bartender, another server or if you dug it out of your purse, I am more concerned where it ends up. After you have scraped the tartar, enamel and pork chop off your teeth, please put that toothpick someplace where I do not have to pick it up with my bare hands. I can handle picking up your used plates and dirty silverware and I can even tolerate grabbing the napkin that is covered with gravy and lipstick. But if you place that gnawed up fucking toothpick onto the table, my only choice is to pick it up with my bare hands and it’s gross.

Gross.

Gross.

When you are done with it, can’t you leave it on the plate so it can be scraped into the trash can along with the chicken bone? If I have already taken your plate, leave it in the glass if you must. Or wrap it up in a napkin. Or take it with you. Or just go ahead and swallow it since nine times out of ten it looks like you chewed it up anyway.

And what’s even worse is when you bite it into tiny pieces and leave those tiny pieces strewn across the table like they’re an offering of some sort. Great, so now instead of one touching one toothpick, I get to touch six or seven tiny shreds of toothpick. I don’t have time to go put on a pair of rubber gloves every time someone thinks it’s alright to do this. And using a napkin to pick them up is difficult too since that freaking toothpick is so tiny.

Maybe this is honestly something that people do not think about it, but I am here to make sure they do think about it. Think about it long and hard. And if another thought tries to force its way into your brain, you should immediately dismiss it and go back to thinking about how wrong it is to expect your server to touch your toothpick. After you have mulled this over for quite some time, I want you to then begin visualizing what you will do with your used toothpick. Think of all the places it should go rather than on the table: your plate, a trash can, your purse or bag, inside a beer bottle, inside your own asshole, etc. The possibilities really are endless. Just don’t make me touch it. It’s gross.

Gross.

Gross.

And that goes double for dental floss and whatever the hell these things are called:

2 thoughts on “I Don’t Want to Touch Your Used Toothpicks

  1. Sarah

    The dental thing in the pic below is called a Placker, at least that’s the major brand of the one who makes them.
    Regular dental floss works better.

    Reply
  2. Rachel

    Gross! Anything that comes from someone’s mouth is disgusting. Picking up peoples nasty ass toothpicks with teeth scrapings stuck all over them was my pet peeve when I was a server. Now that I am a nurse oral suctioning it’s also the most nasty, deplorable task I’ve ever performed. Sputum is just about the nastiest word ever and sucking it out of someone’s throat and lungs is horrifying. The term deep suctioning makes me cringe and throw up in my mouth but I do feel bad doing it to patients because it appears to be a very shitty experience. I’ll try to make you pity me by telling you about the revolting smell of sputum. We have to dump the canisters filled with peoples green sputum snot and it always makes me gag, I honestly miss the toothpicks but still remember how shitty that was. Oh, and having to flush someone’s trach with normal saline while simultaneously suctioning it so it doesn’t go into their lungs also looks miserable for a patient but if they’re choking and the respiratory therapist can’t come quickly it’s often the only option but it’s also horrific. And a trach equals a shit ton of suctioning of sputum shit. Maybe I can write a bitchy nurse body blog? I don’t think I’d have any ability to be as clever as you, though. I’m thoroughly enjoying going back and reading all of your blog posts, you are hilarious and you are my spirit animal and I love how you constantly say spirit animal.

    Reply

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