Customer Complains Old School

These days, when someone doesn’t like a restaurant experience, we are accustomed to seeing their complaints on Yelp, Facebook or Twitter. Well, this customer went old school with pen, paper, stamps and envelopes. They chicken scratched their complaints out and judging by the handwriting, the person is an oldie but a goody with one foot in the grave. Honestly, I’m surprised they didn’t use a quill and ink on parchment paper or just carve the complaint into a stone tablet like their birth certificate probably was. This self-described “grouchy customer” is full of unhappiness. It appears that only the bacon cheeseburgers, the peas and the cheese passed the muster while everything else was just one disappointment after another.


Sunday, we had lunch at your restaurant. The bacon cheeseburgers were great. The chicken sandwich was not my favorite.

I snagged my sweater on a sharp corner glass of the sneeze protector at the North-East corner. You need to tape the sharp corners.

The little ham squares were located so far in the back, I had a hard time reaching them. The German potato salad was way in the back too. (I suspect that the strategy is to put the expensive stuff at the back so not as much will be used).

The cheese was excellent.

The peas were good but hard to pick up with tweezers.

But there was NO Thousand Island salad dressing. Wow! That’s my brand.

I’m sorry you closed the [other location.] You needed a big tall sign so people could find it.

You should ask the people where they would like to sit. I wanted a window seat, but got a little table for 2 with people on the other side of a short wall. Work on better music too.

Signing off,
[name withheld]
another grouchy customer

I applaud this senior citizen for embracing their inner “get off of my lawn” attitude. I also wonder how they will make it through their life (well, what’s left of it…) when they perceive everything to be so miserable. The woman who wrote this letter might actually be Lady Elaine Fairchild, the grumpy ass puppet from Mr. Rogers Neighborhood. If that’s the case, that sweater was snagged when you got there, bitch. In regards to the “little ham squares” being so far in the back that you could barely reach them, that sounds like a blessing. I mean, who the hell wants a square of ham? You should be thanking whoever had the foresight to decide that any meat shaped like a square should justifiably be difficult to obtain. It belongs right next to the German potato salad. As for the peas having to be picked up with tweezers, I think that was just someone who ran out of fucks when they were setting up the buffet. “Anyone know where the slotted spoon is for the peas? Oh, fuck it, the only person who eats the peas is that old lady who wears so much blush she looks like she has bruises on her cheeks. Lemme just throw some tongs in there…”

I am sorry there was no Thousand Island Dressing for you, Lady Elaine. That is a damn shame. I assume you found some Ranch dressing to use or else there would have been a whole ‘nother paragraph about how your heart almost stopped beating when you didn’t find it.

Finally, I hope you were able to get through the horror of not sitting at a window seat. Let me guess, the seats by the window were for four people and they didn’t want to use that prime real estate for a puppet with a snagged sweater and her old husband, is that it? That makes sense. A four-top is for four people. They put you at a table for two. Deal with it. And also deal with the music choice. If you don’t like it, take out your hearing aid and the problem will be solved. Besides, there aren’t that many people who want to eat at a restaurant while listening to the Andrew Sisters and Benny Goodman. (Full disclosure: I am totally one of those people who would want to eat at a restaurant while listening to the Andrew Sisters and Benny Goodman.)

Again, this complaint of is awesome. In this day and age of technology, it is refreshing to see a handwritten letter from a valued customer. After all, when we get a complaint online, it’s not as easy to drop into the shredder.

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