Valentine’s Day is far enough away now that most of us have washed off the stench of that horrible restaurant day and are preparing ourselves for the slowest time of year. But like a bad case of acid reflux, the memories of that most romantic day keep bubbling up from below demanding to be remembered. A server sent me a photo of a something from two years ago when she was working on February 14th. A man showed up to the restaurant with a to-go order that his wife had written out for him and the demand for specificity is awe-inspiring:
Valentines Day Order! 02-14-15
Tortugas Lie Dinner Order on Saturday, Feb 14th , 2005
-Jamaican Jerk Chicken Breast (boneless)
-Just use a chicken breast that would typically be used in Coco Loco Chicken (boneless) and rub the jerk rub/mixture onto the BONELESS CHICKEN breast~before placing said chicken onto the plate, throw it onto the grill to cook.
- I need 2 or 3 grilled pineapple rings to put on the chicken.
- I need tow cups of EXTRA CHUTNEY~So, a total of 4 cups!
- I’d like French Fries in place of the rice & beans.
- Please give me 5 Lime Curry Sauces!
- Place them (the fries) into a separate box!
- I need 4 sides of sour cream (Please don’t forget)
-Chocolate chip pecan pie- 1 slice
Okay, first off, if you don’t like the food on the menu at a restaurant, maybe you shouldn’t eat at that restaurant. Perhaps it might be better to eat somewhere else or cook at home even. The menu is not a list of ingredients for you to pick and choose from and then have the kitchen create a special dish. They are not your personal chefs back there. And although Valentine’s Day may be special to you, it does not mean that the kitchen thinks you’re special. A note like this only makes them think you’re horrible.
I reached out to the husband (no I didn’t) to ask him what it is like being married to such an anal retentive, needy, self-serving, micro-managing woman.
“Oh, you get used to it,” he told me. “I mean, at first, it made me a little nuts, but I have gotten used to it and now I know it’s for the best. We have been married for 13 years and it’s working out.”
I asked him if food was the only thing that that she was so particular with and he shared with me that his wife’s likes to take charge of almost every scenario. “You should see the list she gave for our Valentin’e’s Day love making!”
Valerie and Robert’s Love Making on Saturday, February 14th, 2015
You makin’ me Jerk and Shake My Breasts (boneless)
-pinch my nipples 3 times each. Use your right hand unless the callous on your left hand has gone away.
-before placing said hands on my nipples, lick your fingers, and blow them dry.
- I need to be told you love me.
- I need 2 squirts of extra lube- so a total of 4 squirts!!!
- I’d like your dingaling to go into my kittykat a total of 5 times.
- If I don’t reach climax by then, put 2 or 3 grilled pineapple rings onto my nipples and try 5 more times.
- That ought to do it. Get off of me and go get me a clean warm rag. (Please don’t forget!)
——————-Then I’ll eat my chocolate chip pecan pie-1 slice.
And with that, I happily inform you that the next Valentine’s Day is 360 days away.