My (14 Years Late) Apology to Linda for Ruining Your Wedding Day

As hard as it is to believe, I have only been writing this blog for a bit over eight years. However, I have been writing my whole life. In fact, I started a daily journal all the way back in 1982 before a lot of you were even born. That’s right, I have written about every day since Christmas of 1982 and I am just starting my 35th journal. A couple of months ago, I decided that my second book would be about all of the other jobs I have had in my life so I started reading my journals and taking copious notes. As of now, I have read through 2003 and I am already at job #63.

Yesterday I came across an entry from April 22, 2003 when I was waiting tables at the Brooklyn Marriott. The entry is pretty much a precursor to what I do now, proving that I have been bitching about customers long before it was in the format of a blog. I give to you thoughts from a bitchy waiter before there was The Bitchy Waiter:

Tuesday April 22, 2003

Worked. Had it out with this lady. Briefly, so you’ll always remember. Her wedding day and she got married at the courthouse. PWT*. And got there almost 2 hours late and after we’d closed. Kept me there until 5:30. And got all pissed at me for wanting to have the check paid. She was so fucking trashy with her ugly ass mini-skirt wedding dress and fat ass. Smelling like Marlboros. I held my tongue so good and didn’t say anything I regret. Wanted to though. I gave her back her tip. Cunt. She left her baby’s bonnet and darn it if it didn’t get chocolate on it. Oops. At least I didn’t throw it away. Bitch. She’ll be there tomorrow again. Her name is Linda **** and she is a trailer park whore bag skanky scab-ridden, lice and crab-breeding bitch. And I love that when she told me she was so disappointed with her day, I told her “me too!”

Wow. It seems I was very angry, yes? In my defense, the restaurant normally closed at 3:00 and she was supposed to be there at 1:30. Getting there after closing time sent me over the edge. Looking back, I realize that it was her wedding day and I probably should have been a bit kinder. Also, I probably should not have judged her for getting married at the court house since I did the same thing about five years ago. And I can admit that putting chocolate on her bastard baby’s bonnet was a mean thing to do. It was also wrong of me to refer to her as a “trailer park whore” since I myself spent my formative years living in a trailer in Texas.

I would like to take this time to apologize to Linda Shea for making her wedding day less than perfect. According to my journal, she did not return the next day and I actually did close out the check with the automatic gratuity included. I don’t recall that she ever came back for the chocolate covered baby bonnet, but I do remember leaving it in the back sidestand and that it stayed there for several days. Linda, I am sorry. I should not have called you PWT* and I should not have made fun of your baby born out of wedlock. I do stand behind my statement that your wedding dress was tacky as hell. A mini-skirt wedding dress? C’mon, Linda. You could have done better than that. For every thing else, I am sorry.

I will continue reading my journals to see what I can pull from them for my next book. If nothing else, reading them has reminded me that bitching about my job has been a part of my life long before this blog and even before the Internet. I’m a bitch. For that, I will not apologize.

* PWT= poor white trash

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