How the Pickiest Woman in the World Orders a Martini

Dear Lady Who Thinks She’s Really Something Special,

Get over yourself. While I understand that you love your Espresso Martinis, is it really necessary to go to the trouble of printing out a card to give to every server and bartender that has the misfortune of having you sit in their section? I mean, come on. I feel the need to go through your card, line by line, and really dissect it to fully understand it’s idiocy:

Glass: Martini glass or coupe glass (modelled on Marie Antoinette’s left breast – yes, I know.) That’s cute. Although there is an enduring myth that the coup glass was modeled after the young queen’s perfect tits, there is no way to prove it. And while it’s “udderly” charming that you want to bring that up, I’m pretty sure if you order a martini, it’s going to show up in a martini glass. Well, unless you order it from here.

Ingredients: 1 shot of espresso (25ml water through 20g of Arabica coffee). I shot of Kahlua. 1 shot of vodka (Belvedere or Grey Goose). 20ml of sugar syrup. Bitch, please. Do you think a bartender who is up to his ass in the weeds is going to go to the cappuccino machine and measure out 25 milliliters of water and run it through exactly 20 grams of a certain coffee. Nope, it ain’t gonna happen. That bartender is going to hit the button that that says espresso. Water is going to run through whatever coffee is there, whether it be Arabica, Starbucks, Folger’s or some shit they got at the grocery store because they ran out of the other shit they usually get from Sysco food services. You might even just get a shot of decaf coffee because that was the closet thing to the bar and once the bartender saw your explicit instructions, he instantly stopped giving a shit. Don’t worry, you’ll get your Kahlua and top shelf vodka because they can’t wait to charge $15 for you drink.

Directions: Shaken, not stirred. Serve in a chilled glass. Fill to within 5mm of the top (the remaining 5mm to be foam). Garnish with 3 half coffee beans. Place 1 short straw diagonally across the middle of the glass. Are you kidding me? Now the bartender has to go get a freakin’ metric ruler to make sure he leaves 5 millimeters for foam? And where is this foam coming from, because espresso does not make foam. Does the bartender have to go back to the cappuccino machine and steam some milk to create the foam? Or is it alright if, instead of milk, the foam is a creative mixture of bile and saliva? As for the 3 half coffee beans, have you ever tried to cut a coffee bean in half? I doubt it. Neither have I and neither will any bartender who ever gets this card because that is just too much damn trouble for something so stupid. And by the way, if you place a straw across a round glass, it goes without saying that it will be diagonal.

No substitutions: No gin, tequila, rum, Frangelico, Triple Sec, Bailey’s, coffee flavoured liqueur, or any other ingredient, no matter how much you think I will be surprised and delighted by elegant variations. Okay, any bartender who would put gin in a Espresso Martini might, in fact, need this card, because that ain’t right.

Gratitude: Thank you so much for taking the time to read all this. As you can see, it can be quite an ordeal for a girl to get the right drink. I can’t.

One Last Thing: When you serve me, please say “There you go, Thrill Seeker!” so I know you read this all the way to the end. This last sentence takes the crappy cappuccino cake. “Thrill seeker?” You ordered an Espresso Martini, you didn’t zip line off a cliff, eat at Guy Fieri’s restaurant or wrestle an alligator, lady. I hope who ever got this card served your drink and said, “There you go…ummm…what was it? Shrill Shrieker? Pill Peeker? Lil’ Sneaker? Oh wait, I remember: here you go, picky bitch.”

In closing, Thrill Seeker/Picky Bitch, enough with the card. It’s not charming, adorable, unique or anything else you might think it is. It’s pretentious and stupid and I can assure you that anyone you give this card to thinks the same thing. If you want a certain drink prepared a certain way, just ask for it. If it needs to be this specific for you to enjoy the cocktail, maybe it’s best that you make your own Espresso Martinis from now on and seek your thrills in the comfort of your own home.

Mustard and mayo,
The Bitchy Waiter

12 thoughts on “How the Pickiest Woman in the World Orders a Martini

  1. Jennifer

    That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever read. I would throw that card right back in her face. And the lipstick kiss? There are a few choice words I would use to describe her, but would probably not make it onto your site. Hint: starts with C and rhymes with punt. What an asshole.

    Reply
  2. Lauren

    That’s when you hand it back to her and go, “Yup, I’ll take the write up.” and leave. If any boss fires you or makes you make this drink for her they need to reevaluate.

    Reply
  3. Amy

    FYI if you make an espresso martini properly and shake it well with ice it creates a foam (as does some others such as a French martini) it should be served with this layer of foam.
    If she meant foamed milk then she’s an idiot.

    Reply
  4. Emily

    Also math- 25 ml of water through 20g of coffee will never make the 29.5ml that makes a shot. Unless she means a short shot in which case she measures out her water and coffee but not the final poured espresso? For shame!

    Reply
  5. Bob

    I hope any bartender who gets this card from this narcissistic cunt takes a huge shit in a martini glass and serves it to her.

    Reply
  6. Sean Steele

    *Takes the offered card and glances at it, then back at the customer* I say, “Nope!” Customer replies, “What do you mean, ‘Nope’?”. I explain, “My bar. My recipes. My choice to serve you or not. You can have an Espresso Martini the way I make it or none at all. I’ll be back in two minutes for your decision.” *Tosses the card on the bar in front of the customer and walks away*

    Reply
  7. Von Grabos

    And you just KNOW that she whips this card out at every bridal shower/baby shower/omg I’m a fucking yuppie shower expecting laughs. She thinks it’s adorable, silly, and quirky, but everyone else at the party (and the bartender who had the misfortune of serving her) is gritting their teeth and secretly thinking “I hate this bitch.”

    Reply

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