Happy Birthday, Beverly! We here at Applebee’s do a lot for birthdays! First of all, we gather the entire staff around your table so we can all give thanks that you were born. It’s sorta the same thing as Christmas, except instead of being thankful for the birth of Jesus Christ Our Savior, we’re just really pumped that Beverly was born! As soon as everyone has their five minutes each to tell you what a special snowflake you are, the real festivities begin! Clowns, balloons, monkeys, crazy hats, water sports and a 30-minute foot massage is what we have in store for you!
Clowns: they will sit at your table and make farting noises the entire time you are at the restaurant. You will also get to be part of an all out pie-throwing party! (Please note: the “pies” will actually be plates of Triple Chocolate Meltdown®) You will be covered in “pie.” In fact, if you don’t find some type of dessert crammed into your deepest orifice, we will keep throwing pies until that happens. Fun!
Balloons: our very own in-house balloon artist will create a one-of-a-kind balloon sculpture of you! That’s right, Beverly! It will be life size and it will be scary as hell.
Monkeys: your meal will be brought out to by a group of trained chimpanzees who will dance for you if you toss them a shiny penny. They will be wearing little bow ties, vests and teeny, tiny little fezzes. The monkeys will also join the clowns in making farting noises. However, while the farts from the clowns will be created by various whoopee cushions, the farts from the monkeys will be actual farts. (Please note: we are not responsible if a monkey rips off your face or the face of any of your guests. Should that happen, just remember how cute they were while they were doing it.)
Crazy Hats: you and your entire party will be given wacky hats that will create just the right atmosphere for your celebration. From sailor hats, to top hats, to beanies, everyone will love wearing fun hats. But don’t you worry, Beverly. You will be wearing a crown because you are a pretty, pretty princess who deserves nothing but the best!
Water Sports: we will clear the dining room of all other tables and turn it into a swimming pool where you can play Marco Polo and high dive off a hostess stand. It may seem crazy that we would ask everyone else to leave just so we can build you a swimming pool, but it’s not every day that you celebrate a birthday, is it? Birthdays are a huge deal and if a few of our other customers are accidentally drowned while we “fill the pool,” it’s alright. It’s what they get for coming to Applebee’s on Beverly’s birthday.
Foot Massage: we will have our pantry cook, Rosalia, stop what she is doing and come rub your feet for half an hour. She will use a handful of crushed Churro S’mores to exfoliate your feet and then soak them in your choice of BBQ, spicy sweet Asian chile, classic & hot buffalo or thai peanut sauce. (Please note: allow up to ninety minutes for this massage to be completed as Rosalia will have to stop and go to the kitchen each time someone orders something in pantry.)
Beverly, we cannot wait to have you as our guest here at Applebee’s! We know that birthdays are a very rare thing and not everyone gets to have one, so we take them seriously. It is our goal to give you a birthday you will never forget! See you soon, birthday girl!