If You Ordered It, You Have To Pay For It

burritoAs soon as Table 16 is seated, Samantha goes to greet her customers. She is a good waitress who strives to make her guests happy and always has a smile on her face. Her customers like her and she can usually count on 20% tips.

“Good afternoon and how are you doing today?” she asks with her customary perkiness.

The two customers, Mary and Marlene, smile at her as they look at their menus. They each ask for water and let her know that they will need a couple of minutes before deciding what to order.

“Absolutely,” she says. “I will be back in a minute or two.” Off she goes to get two glasses of water and to check on her other customers.

“What are you going to get?” Marlene asks Mary. “The menu is so big. It looks like they have everything. Hamburgers, steaks, roasted chicken, salmon, cod, pastas. This menu is like five pages long.”

Mary is holding a menu insert that shows the special of the day. “I dunno, but listen to this: it’s a deep-fried pepperoni Cheeto burrito with a dipping sauce of Sriracha queso.”

“Oh, God that sounds disgusting? Who would even think someone would order that? I think I’m gonna get the chicken. It comes with mashed potatoes and green beans. Simple, but it sounds so satisfying, you know?”

Samantha returns with two glasses of ice water and sets them down on the table.

“Are you guys ready to order now or I can come back in a couple of minutes.”

The two friends nod at each other, indicating they both know what they want.

“I’d like the roasted chicken, please.” says Marlene.

Samantha writes down the order and looks at the other friend who is still holding the paper with the daily special.

“Tell me about this pepperoni burrito, I’m intrigued.”

Samantha laughs. “Oh, that. Our cook likes to come up with the craziest thing he can think of each day just to keep it exciting. So it’s a flour tortilla stuffed with pepperoni and mozzarella. He deep fries it and then rolls it around in crushed Cheetos so it’s this bright orange color. The dipping sauce is Velveeta and Sriracha and it’s served with a side of kale chips.”

“I’ll try it,” says the woman, shocking both Samantha and her friend.

“Oh, okay. One Cheeto Burrito. Nobody has ever actually ordered that before. It’s kinda meant as a joke, but okay. I’ll have your food out in a few minutes. Thank you, ladies.”

Fifteen minutes later, Samantha returns to Table 16 with two plates of food. “Here we are. One roasted chicken and one Cheeto Burrito. Anything else I can get for you?”

Marlene looks down at her plate and says, “No, thank you. It looks so delicious.”

As Samantha begins to walk away, Mary calls out to her.

“Ummm, what is this?”

“That’s the Pepperoni Cheeto Burrito.”

“I can’t eat this, it looks disgusting. Pepperoni and mozzarella fried in a burrito and rolled in crushed Cheetos? it looks like a big orange turd.”

Samantha reaches into her apron to look at her order pad. ‘I’m sorry, isn’t that what you ordered? That’s what I wrote down.”

“Mary, that’s what you ordered,” Marlene whispers across the table.

Mary pushes the plate away with disgust. “I may have ordered it, but I didn’t think you would actually serve it to me. Jesus, a Pepperoni Cheeto Burrito? Do I look like an idiot?”

Samantha’s eyes scan Mary up and down and she decides that the question is hypothetical.

“I am not paying for this,” Mary yells. “I mean, I get that it was described perfectly on the menu and that I ordered it and I thought I wanted it, but now that I am staring at this big orange pile of shit on a plate, I can’t do it. No. Take it away and take it off my bill. I’ll have the roasted chicken instead.”

“It is really good,” says Marlene as she takes another bite of chicken. “I mean, it’s a teensy bit overdone, but I’d still rather have a slightly dry roasted chicken than a Pepperoni Cheeto Burrito for lunch. At least mine comes with mashed potatoes, you know?”

“Well, I can bring you a roasted chicken but you’ll still have to pay for the Pepperoni Cheeto Burrito,” explains Samantha.

Mary inhales sharply. “I what? I still have to pay for it even though I no longer want it? That’s ridiculous. It sounded like a good idea 15 minutes ago but now I wish I ordered the reliable roasted chicken. I am NOT paying for this orange Pepperoni Cheeto Burrito.”

Samantha, only minutes away from her weekend and clearly at the end of her rope, crosses her arms and stares down at Mary.

“You know what? It’s too late for the roasted chicken. You asked for the goddam Pepperoni Cheeto Burrito and you got it. You knew what it was when you ordered it and now you have to suck it up and deal with it. I wish you would have ordered the roasted chicken because just carrying that disgusting plate of food from the kitchen has made me miserable. The smell of it made my stomach hurt and my eyes are watering because I got some Sriracha sauce in them. Next time you order something, you better be prepared for the consequences. Look at the ingredients and then use your brain to figure out if you think it’ s a good decision or not. If you were stupid enough to order a deep-fried burrito that’s filled with pepperoni and mozzarella and covered in Cheeto crumbs, then I don’t have any sympathy for you. You made your bed, now lie in it. I only feel sorry for your friend who wanted to have a nice lunch of a sensible roasted chicken and now she can’t even enjoy it because all she can smell is fucking Velveeta and Sriracha sauce. Fuck you and fuck your Pepperoni Cheeto Burrito!”

And with that, Samantha unties her apron, punches out and goes home.

“You know,” says Marlene. “This roasted chicken is actually not dry at all. It’s really very good. You should have ordered this. You can never go wrong with roasted chicken.”

16 thoughts on “If You Ordered It, You Have To Pay For It

  1. Erwinn

    And America has ordered the disgusting cheeto burrito, fuck you if you did. Seriously wtf where you thinking? Now we all have to effing have a bite. Fucking morons.

    Reply
    1. dead_elvis

      Hopefully we’ll shit it out forcefully enough that the hateful, silver-haired, homophobic skintag that accompanies it is expelled permanently. That thing is a malignant melanoma just itching to metastasize all over the place. (Pence, for you dummies. And yeah, I’m bad at extended metaphors. That’s why I’m just a commenter, not a blogger.)

      Reply
  2. I ordered the chicken, too

    Thank you, Bitchy. This made my mom and I laugh so hard. Today has been rough, and we needed this. AMERICA needs this.

    Reply
  3. CincyDrunk

    I totally missed the political commentary part of thiz. But seriously, that burrito sounds delicious. Tortilla? Mozzarella? Pepperoni? Cheeto dust? Deep fried? (i love chimichangas) Nomnomnomnom.

    Reply
  4. StevenP

    Where is this restaurant? I want a cheeto burrito! (Political comment: the only items on the menu this time around were the cheeto burrito or a shit sandwich [with apologies to Spinal Tap]_

    Reply
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  6. Paul

    This might be one of the few times I’ve disagreed with you…assuming I got the point of your story.

    If someone doesn’t like their food I almost never make them pay for it. The only big exceptions being

    A) You told me you didn’t like it and we’re both staring at an empty plate.

    B) You said something like “I don’t really like spicy food, I’ll take the curry” and then I say “well, the hypothetical curry is very spicy” you order it anyways and send it back

    C) instead of ordering something on the menu…you customised the shit out of it, and decided you didn’t like it.

    Overall, though, if you order something take a few bites and don’t enjoy it. It’s comped, and I’ll try to find something you do enjoy. Restaurants are about an experience to me as much as it is about the food. That’s a big part of why you pay that mark up. The dish could’ve been off that night, or maybe just not up your alley, either way I want my guests to leave happy. And at the end of the day, I make my money by building regulars, and making people pay for food they don’t enjoy doesn’t really help build clientele.

    Who knows, though, still a big fan even if we don’t agree on this issue 🙂

    Reply
    1. Bette

      If you order something and it’s off or it wasn’t done correctly that’s one thing, but if you just plain don’t like it you should suck it up. I’m sick of restaurants accommodating assholes, it just gives people permission to be an asshole.

      Reply
  7. Barrine

    Is it OK if I send back a ‘Caeser salad’ that has tomatoes, peppers, onions, creamy Italian dressing, and iceberg lettuce? There are two places – dumpy places, but nevertheless – in Philly, that claim that’s how you make a Caesar salad. At dumpy place no. 2, I sent it back the minute it hit the table.

    Reply
  8. Summer

    If you go to a movie theatre and don’t like the movie would you ask for a refund for your ticket ? I don’t think so , that women sounds like she needs to just stay home and cook for her dam self

    Reply

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