How Much To Tip if You Puke at Your Table?

avatarDo we all know who Miss Manners is? It is the pen name of etiquette expert, 78-year old Judith Martin. I guess she knows everything, like which fork to use first, how early to send out a “save the date” for your stupid fucking baby shower and how much to tip your server if you puke all over the restaurant and your server has to clean it up.

This week, someone sent in a question asking for her advice:

Dear Miss Manners: I was out to lunch today with my girlfriend at a fairly nice place, when I happened to get sick at lunch and vomited, not in the restroom, but in the dining area. The wait staff was incredibly pleasant, remade our meal and cleaned up the puke. I realize that most people leave 20 percent to 22 percent when they have had superlative service. We tipped about 30 percent. Is that sufficient, or should we have tipped equivalent to our bill?

Her response:

Well, what percentage of the meal was actually returned? Miss Manners assures you that a 30 percent tip is generous. While not a pleasant task to perform, cleaning up is unfortunately part of the wait staff’s job. And surely anyone could imagine being in your position and sympathize. If not, no amount of money will probably erase the memory.

Umm, sorry Miss Manners, but 30% is not enough for me to clean up that biohazard that just shot out from my customer’s deepest intestines. Nope. Uh uh. Fuck that.
While I do sympathize with a customer who throws up, I don’t want to clean that up for 10% more than I was going to get if I didn’t have to mop up puke. Let’s say the bill is $35.00 and the service is excellent so they plan on leaving me $7.00. But wait, now they just projectile vomited Funyuns, Eggo waffles, Shasta Cola and Twizzlers all over my section and you think an additional $3.50 is going to cover it.oh-hell-no-quote-3

That is not enough, especially if the customer is well enough to stay there and have us make the damn meal again so he could try to force it down his gut again. If you’re well enough to eat again, you’re well enough to put on a pair of rubber gloves and clean up your own vomit. Or make your girlfriend do it. If you are going to expect the waitstaff to clean up your puke, you better dig deep into your pockets and produce something more than an extra 10%.

Miss Manners may know a lot about some things but she is off the mark on this one. I say to anyone who has a question regarding restaurant etiquette, do not bother with her. You ask me. I will tell you what’s right and wrong and a few extra bucks for cleaning up after you just burped to the nth power is more wrong than asking for Ranch dressing for your pizza.giphy

5 thoughts on “How Much To Tip if You Puke at Your Table?

  1. Lauren

    Considering they mentioned that
    1) It was a fairly nice place
    2) This was in the dining area which means carpet/ other unfortunate diners who had to see you upchucking your undigested carbon fuel
    And 3) You actually stayed after to reeat the very thing you just spewed instead of going home with some Day quilt

    All those things I would certainly think your pockets are deeper than that…. don’t be so stingy when someone who ISN’T your mum or significant other is cleaning up your hazardous waste. That’s poor form.

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  2. Tipsykit

    I used to work at a Perkins and our standing rule was $50 for us to clean it up, or we would give cleaning supplies to the customer and they could clean it up themselves for free. (Although a better tip would still be welcome in that instance)

    Reply
  3. Heather

    What makes Chinese restaurants so great is that they don’t put up with a bunch of BS like other restaurants that kiss the customer’s ass. When I was out having Chinese with a group of friends once, one of the girls had been drinking too much and had to toss her cookies. To her credit, she tried to make it outside but ended up spewing right in front of the entryway. She went to the host stand and asked for a bucket and mop and they had no qualms about letting her have at it.

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  4. Kate

    Not even close to enough! A few months back I had a one top come in, order a bloody and let me know she was going to have a drink first, then may order a meal. I let her know my name, and told her to let me know when she was ready. I kept an eye on her and when she had finished her bloody, I asked if she’d like another drink or if she was ready to order an entree. She ordered a beer and when I brought the beer, she said she was ready to order food, too. She ordered our lunch fajitas. Meal went fine, I got 5 more tables, no biggie. I printed her check and went to drop it and see if she was finished. She was gone. Our restaurant has ziosks, so I checked the printer and she had paid, 20% tip. Ok. Happy day. That changed about 10 minutes later when I started bussing the table. I’m walking to dish with her plates and can’t figure out why the tortilla hat feels so heavy. I get to dish, take the lid off and the smell hits me like a roadkill skunk on a country road, mid July. This bitch vomited AT THE TABLE, IN A TORTILLA HAT, LEFT IT THERE, AND LEFT ME A 5 DOLLAR TIP. What?! And no one saw her do it! I had a host, a lounge server, and tables on either side of her. It was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever had. Kid puking at a table? No problem. I have 3 at home and when you’re a kid, you have no shame. This lady was every bit of 5 decades, it wasn’t even noon, and she threw up. At the table. Ew.

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