Enough With the Pumpkin Spice

bw-9rvzigaa43orWaiter: Hello and welcome to Autumnal Harvest Dining. My name is Tim and I will be your server tonight.

Customer: Hi, Tim, thank you.

Waiter: May I start you off with something to drink while you look at our Harvest Menu?

Customer: Can I just have some water with lemon to start?

Waiter: I am sorry, but we don’t have any lemons right now. I would be happy to bring you a water with pumpkin wedge, would that be alright?

Customer: A pumpkin wedge? No, I don’t want a pumpkin wedge in my water.

Waiter: Very well, sir, but here at Autumnal Harvest Dining we welcome all things autumn. The first day of fall has arrived and this is our favorite time of the year. It’s when we get to wear our cozy sweaters and enjoy the flavors of autumn.

Customer: Yeah, just bring me some water, hold the pumpkin wedge.

Waiter: Yes sir, very well, sir, but may I please let you know of our specials tonight? Our chef has prepared some wonderful options.

Customer: Fine, yes.

Waiter: Our soup tonight is a cream of pumpkin soup garnished with toasted pumpkin seeds and served with a side of roasted pumpkin. We also have an appetizer salad of seasonal greens with a house-made pumpkin vinaigrette. We have two entrée specials tonight, the first being a vegetarian option: a pan-seared pumpkin filet smothered in pumpkin gravy and served with whipped pumpkin and a pickle.

Customer: A pickle?

Waiter: I’m sorry, did I say a pickle? I meant pumpkin. Our second entrée is southern fried chicken.

Customer: Oh, that sounds good, tell me about that.

Waiter: Well, the chicken is organic and free-range, having been raised on a pumpkin patch in Pennsylvania and humanely slaughtered by a farmer dressed as scarecrow. The chicken is soaked in a pumpkin beer for twelve hours and then dredged in our pumpkin flour before being fried in extra-virgin pumpkin oil. Served with sweet pumpkin fries and a pickle.

Customer: A pickle?

Waiter: Gosh, I meant pumpkin, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, my apologies.

Customer: Do you have anything that isn’t pumpkin?

Waiter: Sir, it is fall. We here at Autumnal Harvest Dining embrace all things seasonal, so why would we have anything that isn’t pumpkin?

Customer: Just because it’s fall doesn’t mean that every goddamn thing has to be fucking pumpkin-flavored.

Waiter: Yes, sir, you’re absolutely right. I’m going to go get you a pumpkin spiced latte.

Customer: I don’t want anything pumpkin! I demand to speak to a manager right this minute.

Waiter: Yes, sir. That would be Mr. O’Lantern. Unfortunately, Jack isn’t here right now. He’s apple picking this evening and then following that, he will be on a hay ride. Why don’t you calm down and let me get you a pumpkin spiced tea and some pumpkin chips and salsa. Or how about an order of pumpkin nachos? On the house?

Customer: I don’t want pumpkin!

Waiter: Not even our pumpkin lemonade? Or our pumpkin-spiced calamari?

Customer: You know what? Fuck you. Fuck you and fuck your pumpkin, alright?

Waiter: Sir, fucking my pumpkin is a very personal and intimate time for me and I usually  prefer to do that in the privacy of my own home. However, to accommodate your somewhat voyeuristic needs, I will be happy to fuck a pumpkin for you. If you will excuse me, I just need to go to the kitchen to find the perfect pumpkin, hollow it out slightly but not too much so that it still feels good, carve a hole in it and pop it into the microwave for about thirty seconds. I shall return momentarily. I do like to practice safe sex while fucking my pumpkin and seeing that I was not planning on any pumpkin coitus this evening, I wonder if you might have a condom for me to use. A pumpkin-spiced condom would be ideal.

Customer: You’re sick, you know that? I’m outta here.

Waiter: Well, thank you for joining us at Autumnal Harvest Dining, sir and please enjoy your fall. Do come again.

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