Anyone who has worked in a restaurant for more than ten minutes knows that customers can be pretty clueless when it comes to just about anything. However, “the customer is always right” even though they might not know the difference between their asshole and a hole in the ground. (Clue: the hole in the ground is cleaner.)
In case anyone was in need of proof that some customers don’t know what the hell they are talking about, allow me to share this Facebook post from waiter Matthew who experienced firsthand an amazing amount of stupid. He also has to wonder how his head has not exploded yet, but we all know it’s only a matter of time. Eventually, every waiter and waitress in the country will reach the tipping point with dumb questions and comments from our customers and the result will be a massive collection of exploding heads creating a severe server shortage and some royally pissed off bussers and dishwashers who will have a lot of extra sidework to do cleaning up all those brains laying next to Booth 8.
Recon Joe
My all time favorite, a group of five women are seated and one of them decides that since she knows so much about wine, she will select a bottle to share. After running her finger down the price column, she opts for a $20 bottle of (French Accent Here) “COURCAGE FEY” Trying not to laugh in her face because she wants a bottle of Corkage Fee.
Jackie
A customer was ordering a pizza and looking at the choices for toppings.
Him: “So, spiced beef. That’s like sausage, right?”
Me: “Ummm no, it’s beef that is spiced…”
Him: “Right, so like sausage.”
Me: *stares blankly*
I wish I could sy I made half my storiew up.
Ms. Blake
I worked as a bartender at a casino in the 90s that, at the time, did not have any tap beers, just bottles. I can’t tell you how many times I was asked the following:
customer: “what beers do you have on tap?”
me: “we don’t currently have any beers on tap, just in bottles.”
customer: “okay, so what beers do you have on draft?”
me: *blank stare*
Alex Hoskins
My all-time favourite: An elderly couple who come into the restaurant on occasion, nice people, friendly and sincere. It takes him a while to order and he rhetorically asks his wife what he wants, if he wants this item or that and making his way through the entire menu. It was a Saturday midday and I was swamped but not yet in the shit. I stand there like a moron through his musings until eventually he goes, “Do I want a steak? Yes I’ll have a steak, oh it comes with potatoes, great I’ll have a steak.” I ask him how he’d like the steak cooked and he says, “Definitely rare, but don’t make it red inside.”
Right there I cracked up with laughter, this guy is throwing me headfirst into the weeds and orders the physically impossible, it was too absurd; his wife joined in, the tables on both sides too. It became a running joke later on that he was incapable of ordering food normally, he would ham it up a bit. Lovely couple.
Alaskanfirebunny
My top two of all time. I still can’t believe these were real complaints, but I kid you not…
“Can I have a new water? This one tastes like melted ice.”
“My burger tastes too beefy.”
jessica
I once had a customer complain they wanted the sausage in their breakfast sandwich switched to Canadian bacon because they were allergic to pork.
natasha
Not a customer but my boss once said to a customer “I don’t think our mayonnaise is made with eggs” … then I got to witness the happy moment when she asked chef if there was eggs or dairy in the mayonnaise
Laura
Real mayo does contain egg….
Tara
Our air conditioning was broken on an extremely hot day. A man walked in complained about how hot it was in our building and then ordered soup.
Tommy D.
On all you can eat spaghetti night. Spaghetti and salad bar. Same price as menu, only difference is all you can eat.
We don’t want the all you can eat spaghetti. We don’t like that. We want the regular spaghetti.
It’s the same spaghetti sir. You can just have more if you’d like.
No, it’s not. We’ve been coming here for years and we know the difference. We want the regular spaghetti, and we’ll know if it’s not what we ordered.
Ok sir.
Explaining to the owner why I rang up spaghetti instead of AUCE Spaghetti was fun. He was obviously piss ed that customers would think he was serving an inferior product. Had it not been busy, hw probably would have went out and talked to them.
Serenity
I had a guy order gelato on a hot day, then after not really eating it for a few minute, called me over to ask why I had put”syrup” on his gelato. I was confused, then realised he was talking about the melting gelato! I tried to explain it was melting…NOT syrup!!! and he told me to stop arguing with him!! then he asked if I could get him some “without syrup”. I said no, and walked away. Had he never had ice cream before???wtf.
Alivia
Guest: can I get some potato soup
Me: okay a cup or a bowl?
Guest: well…which one is the biggest? The cup right?
The list just goes onnnnnnn. I work in a deli and have been asked if we had any sandwiches. Or someone will say “can I have a turkey sandwich?” and I’d ask which one, then they would reply with “idk just a regular turkey sandwich”
I’ve also had someone come up to me and ask what we had because she didn’t want to read the menu..
Miguel
*looks at menu for ten minutes then requests a few more minutes after I ask if they’re ready the first time*
Me: Do you need a few more minutes? No rush *wishes he hurried the f*ck up*
Customer: *orders something that doesn’t exist on the menu he’s been looking at for like 15 minutes*
Me: *already annoyed* We don’t have that here sir….
Customer: Then what DO you have?
………
Marc
Here’s a couple:
“What’s the difference between the vanilla and chocolate cream puff?”
“What kind of meat is in the Chicken and Noodles?”
WB28
“I need my latte made with skim milk because I am allergic to dairy.”
Heavy sigh.
wiggly
My fave: “Was your veal tortured?” Orders the veal and then stares glumly at it for the whole meal.
ExWaitress
Two (of the many) that stick out in my mind: “Is there any alcohol in the tequila?” and “Venison…that’s deer, right? Is that vegetarian?”
Alexis
I once had a server bring a drink back to the bar and say her guest wanted the “spirit” flavored Smirnoff, not regular. I was totally lost until I realized that Smirnoff was listed under the spirits section in the menu. I’m glad I wasn’t her server because I wouldn’t have been able to control my face!
Bekah
What kind of tequila do you have?
Lists all tequilas
Do you have titos?
Tonja
I took a breakfast order once. A customer orders a Denver omelette. I leave and am starting to enter the order in the system. The frustrated guy runs up to me and says “are you even going to ask me how I want the eggs cooked for my omelette?” Wtf?! I had no words!
Chelehbc
Customer: “I don’t want to call you a liar, but you DO have queso dip” *points to the word queso on the menu*
Me: “ma’am, queso means cheese in Spanish.”
Nicole M
I remember the to-go guy who very seriously asked me what the difference between a whole waffle and a 1/2 waffle was. He wasn’t asking about the price either.
LorettaDay
My favorite interaction with a customer was a girl who had been 21 for about three days. She ordered a dirty martini, extra dirty. I tried to tell her that she didn’t actually want a dirty martini, but she insisted. After dropping off her drink, she waived me back over to complain that the dirty martini tasted like olives and she wanted it “made correctly” immediately. After I, two additional bartenders, and a manager explained that the “dirty” part of a dirty martini is olive juice, she still insisted that (even though she could not give us any indication of what she actually wanted) she must have a dirty martini “made correctly.” I made her a strawberry daiquiri in a martini glass – I still don’t know what she thinks a dirty martini is.
And there was the woman who asked if cheddar was anything like cheese.
And the woman who accused a co-worker of “I bet you read and shit, too” when the co worker told her that caesar salads typically comes with caesar dressing.
I should stop now, I could do this all day.
Meh
My personal favourite will forever be:
Her: “I just have one more question I promise! So your roasted tomatoes, how are they cooked?”
Me: “They’re roasted.”
Her: “Ah, yes… Indeed.”
I had to convince myself that she lost a bet because I can not believe anyone is that bad
FS_Scott
If it weren’t for my horse I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.
Angel
This is the best reply!
Allison
So good.