Have you ever gone into a restaurant on your birthday and expected special treatment? Maybe you thought the red carpet should be rolled out for you and the owner should come directly to your table and give you head. At the very least, you might have thought that every person who works there, from your server to the bus boy to the dishwasher to the little old lady who sits in the back and makes the guacamole, should drop what they’re doing and come out and sing the happy birthday song to you. A lot of times, that is what will happen. Not because anyone gives a shit about the day your mom pushed an 8-pound ball of human out of her sweet potato pie hole, but because your server begged everyone to do it in the hopes that he will be rewarded with a decent tip. But this is what your server is really thinking when he hears those six dreaded words “can you sing for my birthday?”
Fuck me. Fuck me with a dirty spatula right now. I do not fucking have time for this. Table 12 is waving me down wondering why there food isn’t ready, Table 15 is swimming in dirty dishes because the bus boy has apparently been swallowed into a black hole of apathy and I have needed to pee for half an hour. But sure, I’ll sing happy birthday to you because out of everything you want for your birthday, on the top of the list must be having a group of random strangers sing off key for you. Yeah, that’s gonna make your day so much more special. And I suppose you want me to ask the manager to comp you a free dessert and then you’re going to want me to find a candle. Where the hell are the candles anyway? Why can’ t I ever find those fuckers? Maybe I can just hold my lighter over it and you can blow that out instead. Everyone is so busy right now and no one is going to want to be a birthday singer. Well, everyone except that new girl who thinks it’s fun to sing to her tables. God, that chick is a trip. I saw her yesterday tying the shoes of some kid at her table. It’s like she cares or something. What a bitch. Anyhoo, why can’t your friends sing happy birthday to you? They’ve been loud and annoying all night anyway so why can’t they just redirect some of that energy into singing a song for your birthday? And are you that desperate for attention that you want the everyone in this dump to know that today is your birthday? Bitch, just open up your Facebook page and get your attention fix there, no one has time for this shot. But, okay. I am going to go the kitchen and beg people to come sing to you and if I do it you’d better cough up some extra fucking tip, because this is some above the call of duty shit right here. Happy fucking birthday, my ass.
But here is what the server will actually say:
Oh, my gosh, it’s your birthday? That’s wonderful! Absolutely, we will sing to you. Just give me a few minutes! Happy birthday!!
Full disclosure: today is my birthday and I will be going to a restaurant tonight. I will NOT ask anyone to sing to me because I know how annoying it is. I also have the Bennigan’s birthday song permanently engrained into my brain and it will never, ever go away.
David Cowling
On the few occasions that I was out with my family for my birthday, I’ve told them exactly what BW said and added that if it happens I will get up and walk out. So far that has worked!
Jeri Velgreen
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=250098092034595&set=o.310708858090&type=3&theater
Jan
You know, I think in some rare occasions where maybe one, two or three people might be involved, it might be a lot less about about ego and more about feeling that your existence is appreciated. I for one hate it and will plead with the server to not do it, but I know a guy who never got birthday parties growing up and was largely ignored (no, he wasn’t in a household of Mormons, or whatever Christian sect does not believe in celebrating birthdays).
When he became an adult he realized his dream of having his life celebrated in chorus and with two of his close friends. A little cake slice, a silly song and other people in the restaurant congratulating him. He actually cried.
It might sound stupid, but some people just want to feel like they are appreciated, even from strangers paid to make him or her feel feel better about themselves. Cheaper and less riskier than a hooker, I think. 😉
Sammy
I hope this is all just for humor. Because jesus. Get over yourself. People pick your place to celebrate all kinds of things. Be gracious. And it’s usually not the birthday person who wants the attention, it’s the people who love that person. I swear, waiters bitch so much. If it’s really so terrible, get a different job. But I’m guessing you enjoy the gobs of tax-free cash you make.
kt
IT IS NOT TAX FREE CASH WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP SAYING THIS UGHH
CincyDrunk
“waiters bitch so much”
-Comment on the blog “The Bitchy Waiter”
Nameless florida
Are you serious!? It is not tax free cash, I pay a lot of taxes. Some companies will fire you if you don’t claim 15% of your earned tips, which by the way is highly tax, to the point you were left with no paycheck . And yes I love what I do, always will. Been doing this for 13 years, it just goes me how Non servers have the audacity to tell us to go get a real fucking job . Listen bitch it is a fucking real job, I pay taxes, my kids are fed and I pay my mortgage . It annoying that these people are the ones that don’t tip, even after going above and beyond for them. They feel like they are owed something for eating at our establishment. So No! I don’t give two shots is your birthday, I fact when you tell me that all I say is ” oh that’s nice” and just go get you a refill.
Anne
Troll, BYE.
G. B. Miller
Some customers also feel the exact same way, especially those on the receiving end. Many’s the time that I was seriously annoyed that family members would mention that it was my b’day to the waitstaff. Embarrassed would be good way to describe my feelings for that day.
And hopefully you had a great b-day.
Julia C
Oh gawd…I can not stand being sung to at a restaurant…that’s why I do tell my server it’s my birthday- followed by- “Ignore any requests from the ass hats I’m with, and if you don’t sing, I’ll throw in a extra $xx (depends on the restaurant type). Somehow, I’m sure that wrong as well and makes some waiter/tress pissed off as well.
Tacit Jane
This is your birthday soooong! It doesn’t last too long. Bye! I don’t know where I heard it, but it’s been a favorite of mine for a couple decades.
mina
idk what the big deal is, at my cafe when someone tells us it’s their birthday we usually give them a free croissant or coffee because it’s a nice thing to do. They really appreciate it most of time and it makes me happy to do a nice thing on someone’s special day..
Aria
From my former Captain days at the good ol B-dubs…
It’s the Bitchy Waiter’s birthday! When I say happy, you say birthday! Happy! Birthday! Happy! Birthday!
CincyDrunk
I’m so glad corporate policy at my restaurant is to NOT sing.
Genevieve
Happy happy Birthday, on this your special day! Happy happy Birthday is what we’re here to say! Happy happy Birthday, may all your dreams come true!
Happy happy Birthday from Bennigan’s to you!
Sharon
I worked at an over zealous, cartoony restaurant called Philthy McNasty’s (seriously) where we sung the Beatles birthday song. I always stood next to the blind bombshell with the Hungarian accent for fun. She would purr –> da nananana you say it’s your birzday … da nananana it’s my birzday to Ya! It always made me snicker.
Sharon
Happy birzday by the way!! ?
Jessica
Love your blog. As a Rainforest Cafe server, let me sing you a social birthday song!
Happy happy birthday from all of us to You!
We dished up something special, we made it just for you!
We hope you have a super fun and cha-chariffic day!
So happy happy birthday from rainforest cafe!!