About seven months ago, I wrote a blog post called “7 Obnoxious Things Servers Should Stop Doing According to Some Basic Bitch.” Seven months in blog time is like a dozen years ago, but someone just arrived all tardy to the party and left a comment about it. It seems they don’t agree with what I wrote and since I don’t agree with what they wrote, I choose to respond to it. This someone goes by the name of Evil_Sadist and based on their screen name, he thinks he’s a real bad ass but in reality he is probably reading my blog in his mom’s basement as he eats a sandwich she made for him and he’s pissed off at her because she left the crusts on.
Evil_Sadist made his own list of 7 things and I think I want to go over them one by one:
1. No one cares about your sad stories, everyone has a sad story.
You’re right, Evil_Sadist, everyone does have a sad story, including you. The difference is this: some people do care about my sad stories which is why this blog exists, why the Facebook page gains about 2,000 new followers each week and why a publishing company let me write a book about it. (You can buy it here, Evil_Sadist) That book has already gone into its second printing, six days after its release, so, some people do care about my stories. On the other hand, no one cares about your sad stories including that one that happened in eighth grade when your principal caught you in the restroom measuring your penis with the measuring tape you stole from home ec class. So embarrassing, right?
2. If you’ve been working as a server for 10 years and haven’t been promoted to manager yet, you’re doing something wrong.
There are plenty of people who wait tables who have no desire to “move up” to manager. The hours are longer, you get no respect and you don’t make enough money for all the shit you have to deal with, including asshole customers like you. I say that someone who has been waiting tables for 10 years and has not been “promoted” to manager is doing it absolutely fucking right.
3. Servers are at the bottom of the profit pyramid and their wage reflects it.
I don’t really care about the profit pyramid as long as I can make enough money to pay my bills and still have money left over to live life. We all know that a soda has about a 1000% mark up, which is great for the profit margin of the restaurant, but I still make my money. And speaking of bottoms, I hear you’re real popular.
4. A tip is a gift, not a requirement. Look it up.
I don’t need to look it up, asshole. We all know that a gratuity is not a requirement, which is why good servers do everything they can to earn their tip. Maybe the literal definition of tip is “a gift,” but in our country it’s an expectation as long as service is good. We all know that you don’t tip, Evil_sadist. Ask your mom for an increase in your allowance.
5. “But I have 10 kids to feed and I’m a single mother/father.” Not our fault, you should have kept your legs closed.
Agreed. Any server who plays the pity card to try to get better tips is not a good server.
6. “I worked my fingers to the bone, you’ve never been a server so you wouldn’t know.”
I’ve worked as a server and it sucked, but instead of complaining about it, I used the right head and got the hell out of there and bettered myself. Not my fault you’re too stupid to evolve from that job.
Again, servers do not have to “evolve” to another job. We are not a group of goddam caterpillars waiting for our moment to become Monarch butterflies. Some of us keep this job because it works for us and if you don’t see that, then you need to evolve into a person who isn’t an asshole.
7. “But I love working with people.”You’re a horrible liar. If you loved people, you wouldn’t be complaining about tips.
People suck and you know it. I never said I love people. I tolerate people, just like everyone else does. Honestly, people are assholes and you just proved it, Evil_Sadist. Now, go the fuck away.