Everyone, we need to take a moment to send out some good vibes to Don who went through some serious hell this week when he went to Chili’s. Honestly, I don’t even know how, or if, he made it through the rest of the week because what he suffered through would put a lesser man right into the grave. If he did get past this experience my guess is that he suffering some major post-traumatic stress disorder shit right now and is sitting in a corner somewhere trying dissect where it all went wrong.
Don ordered a burger and got the tomato butt!
I know, I know, I am as shocked as all of you are and I pray for Don. It truly is a horrible thing to have to accept in this world, the butt of the tomato. Thankfully, before he crumpled into a pile of disappointment, he found the time and strength to snap a picture of it and post it to Chili’s Facebook page to let them know that he usually throws that part of the tomato away. No word on why he chooses to discriminate against tomato butts and send them to the garbage, but we do know from his follow up comments that he was also unhappy with the size of the tomato slice, for it was only 1/3 the size of the burger. The humanity!
Of course Chili’s responded saying they want to look into this matter further and make it right, which basically means they want to send Don a gift card for another meal. The mere thought of a free burger from Chili’s more than likely gave Don the stiffest boner he’s had in months. Meanwhile, Don’s wife is sitting on their bed covered in the juiciest middle parts of about three dozen plum tomatoes hoping for her chance to take a ride on his Chili stick.
“Honey,” she says. “You seem pretty excited about that gift card. Wanna join me in bed? I’ll tickle your baby-back ribs until you wanna put your enchilada into my warm quesadilla and then I’ll make you ooze like a molten chocolate cake.”
“Oh, baby, you know I love it when you talk dirty Chili’s to me,” says Don.
“You wanna taste my Triple Berry Crumble cake? I know you do. And look at all these tomatoes I got on me. Oh, yeah, darlin’, you know you wanna Triple Dipper® me with some Fried Ass-paragus. Do me, baby.”
Don walks over to the bed, imagining his free gift card from Chili’s, when out of the corner of his eye he spies one tiny sliver of a tomato resting on the floor.
“Is that a tomato butt I see on the floor? IS THAT A TOMATO BUTT?? Why isn’t that in the trash can where it belongs?” he screams.
“I’m sorry, baby, I’m sorry. I thought I put all the butts into the trash can. Look, looky here. I used my special feminine deodorant spray that I had specially made for you that smells like spicy loaded buffalo wings. Come here, baby, smell me.”
But it is too late. The moment is gone. Don walks back to his computer to log onto the Chili’s Facebook page and make sure his gift card is on its way. His wife gives up and walks to the bathroom to wash off all the tomatoes.
Next time, Don, just ask your fucking server if you can have an extra tomato slice.