Something Awful Happened at Chili’s

Screen Shot 2016-03-29 at 12.54.09 PMEveryone, we need to take a moment to send out some good vibes to Don who went through some serious hell this week when he went to Chili’s. Honestly, I don’t even know how, or if, he made it through the rest of the week because what he suffered through would put a lesser man right into the grave. If he did get past this experience my guess is that he suffering some major post-traumatic stress disorder shit right now and is sitting in a corner somewhere trying dissect where it all went wrong.

Don ordered a burger and got the tomato butt!

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I know, I know, I am as shocked as all of you are and I pray for Don. It truly is a horrible thing to have to accept in this world, the butt of the tomato. Thankfully, before he crumpled into a pile of disappointment, he found the time and strength to snap a picture of it and post it to Chili’s Facebook page to let them know that he usually throws that part of the tomato away. No word on why he chooses to discriminate against tomato butts and send them to the garbage, but we do know from his follow up comments that he was also unhappy with the size of the tomato slice, for it was only 1/3 the size of the burger. The humanity!

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Of course Chili’s responded saying they want to look into this matter further and make it right, which basically means they want to send Don a gift card for another meal. The mere thought of a free burger from Chili’s more than likely gave Don the stiffest boner he’s had in months. Meanwhile, Don’s wife is sitting on their bed covered in the juiciest middle parts of about three dozen plum tomatoes hoping for her chance to take a ride on his Chili stick.

“Honey,” she says. “You seem pretty excited about that gift card. Wanna join me in bed? I’ll tickle your baby-back ribs until you wanna put your enchilada into my warm quesadilla and then I’ll make you ooze like a molten chocolate cake.”

“Oh, baby, you know I love it when you talk dirty Chili’s to me,” says Don.

“You wanna taste my Triple Berry Crumble cake? I know you do. And look at all these tomatoes I got on me. Oh, yeah, darlin’, you know you wanna Triple Dipper® me with some Fried Ass-paragus. Do me, baby.”

Don walks over to the bed, imagining his free gift card from Chili’s, when out of the corner of his eye he spies one tiny sliver of a tomato resting on the floor.

“Is that a tomato butt I see on the floor? IS THAT A TOMATO BUTT?? Why isn’t that in the trash can where it belongs?” he screams.

“I’m sorry, baby, I’m sorry. I thought I put all the butts into the trash can. Look, looky here. I used my special feminine deodorant spray that I had specially made for you that smells like spicy loaded buffalo wings. Come here, baby, smell me.”

But it is too late. The moment is gone. Don walks back to his computer to log onto the Chili’s Facebook page and make sure his gift card is on its way. His wife gives up and walks to the bathroom to wash off all the tomatoes.

Next time, Don, just ask your fucking server if you can have an extra tomato slice.

29 thoughts on “Something Awful Happened at Chili’s

    1. Cindy

      So, why not just ask for a new tomato. I would have eaten the tomato brought, you can very easily cut off the little bit of brown.

      Reply
  1. Krista

    While i hate getting those parys os a tomato as well, i wouldn’t complain about it on social media!
    Dude needs to chill.

    Reply
  2. Linda

    First of all, not a tomato butt, but the next slice. I make sandwiches for a living – I’m fussy about this shit. Second, funny as hell! Thanks!

    Reply
  3. Alyssa

    One of your best posts yet! Hilarious! I don’t know how you continue to do it after so many years but please never stop! We love you BW!

    Reply
  4. Amy

    I laughed so hard i was crying!!! Coming home from an uneventful serving shift to this? Awesome! You always put a smile on my face!!!!❤️

    Reply
  5. Sharon

    I hope his psychologist can help him understand that there are far worse things in life than a boo-boo on yer ‘mater.

    Reply
  6. Kat

    But if he just asked for another slice like a normal person he wouldn’t be getting a gift card for a meal in the mail (Duh!).

    Reply
  7. Dave j

    “There whass thiss won time, I whass about to bone my girlfriend, but then I saw a tomato butt, and I said there whass no way.”

    Reply
  8. Joey B

    Oh… What tragedy …I guess don the donkey never been hungry in his stupid life. Just cut off the brown part or ask for different slice. I fuckin have eating disorder related to my employment in food industry ,trust me -I’ve seen it all people are just ridiculous w/their demands and stupid phones taking pics of everything they shove in their pie hole .Fuck them. A lot of us can’t even eat.Or can’t afford to do so .Don is an entitled prick..

    Reply
  9. Kathrine Casselman

    Jesus I wish I had some peoples’ lives, that a damn piece of tomato was a major crisis! And it’s ‘not what he paid for’?!? Does Chili’s have some sort of middle tomato slice disclaimer that I am unaware of??

    Reply
  10. Rae

    OMG, when BW said we need to send good vibes to this guy because he went through some serious hell over a sub par slice of TOMATO! My diet pepsi exploded out of my mouth and nose! Sorry to be graphic, but it burns really bad, took forever to clean up, and I’m still laughing! I have tears in my eyes that this person could be this stupid yet so indignant! Like Katherine C. said, What a crisis! Love ya BW! You ROCK!

    Reply
  11. Jilan

    This makes me want to see just how far I can go with Chili’s and still get a gift card. We should post the craziest shit and see what happens. “I was at the Oakland Chili’s and the lights were too damn bright!! What kinda watts you got in there?? Also my pickles were under my lettuce when in the picture it clearly shows them above the lettuce. This is just unacceptable and not what I paid for. Also my waitresses name was Samantha, which is obviously a whores name. She was perfectly nice but her name just really offended me because one time a girl named Samantha fucked my cousin, who I had a huge crush on. Is it too much to ask for a list of the things that offend me before you serve me Chili’s?? Also my waitress kept bugging me and asking me if I needed anything. Don’t you guys know that I want to be left alone when I go out to eat? Just give me my food and leave! If I need you I’ll snap my fingers at you, this is the standard for service. Also I got the middle pieces of the lettuce when I was expecting the outer leaves. And there was a tiny corner piece missing from my cheese slice. That’s my favorite part! Also I got the ass of the tomato. Well not the ass, but the part right before it. But it still had the little brown piece at the end, and it looked like a butthole. NOT HAPPY.”

    Reply
  12. ISISJULY@TheMills

    I worked at the Mills @the OG next door I still work at the Mills but ran from food service , I feel so proud my little mall is on your blog finally , these bitches deserve to be called out on their dumb shit , once had a customer ask if it was ham in the chicken and gnocchi soup like really wtf bitch

    Reply
  13. Dave Amburgey

    There are a hell of a lot of HUNGERY people who would love to have a hamburger with a tomato end on it!!!!
    Some people should think before they bitch.

    Reply

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