The Worst Breakfast Order in the History of Time

10537984_10152480067550108_7077041465227955104_nMight this be the world’s pickiest customer ever to go to a restaurant? This photo was sent to me by a server who probably no longer has the use of his hands since a man named Mr. Fingleton snapped them off once when the server got too close to the table.

Breakfast:

-Juice as soon as possible-no ICE!!!
-If with ginger, small jug extra ??
-Bring separate ice.
-If granola/yogurt fruit-always before cooked breakfast

Cooked breakfast:

-Eggs always well on well done brown toast
-Always more than one mushroom!

CoffeeNever made or brought before main course served
Always cold milk and extra hot water
Toast always well done-not warm bread
Always serve extra in toast rack

Above all, never ever keep coming and asking “if everything is alright”-particularly when I am in conversation with guests. If it isn’t, be sure that I shall tell you!!!

Who the fuck is Mr. Fingleton and why doesn’t he just stay at home to eat if things need to be this specific? Seriously, he needs to go to Craigslist and hire a butler. This list of demands is unbelievable but the one thing on there that I find the most difficult to believe is that he would ever be dining with a guest.

A Poem for Mr. Fingleton

Poor Mr. Fingleton hasn’t any friends
No one in his life to help him with Depends.
Goes out to the diner where they know he is a whiner,
He gives his list, the waiter’s pissed and wishing he could slash his wrists.
The eggs well done, the juice, no ice.
Why is Mr Fingleton so not nice?
Fuck Mr. Fingleton, he’s too damn needy.
He’s cheap as hell, his diaper smells, he’s also fucking greedy.
He never tips, he steals the pens.
Poor Mr, Fingleton hasn’t any friends.

34 thoughts on “The Worst Breakfast Order in the History of Time

  1. SlumSlut

    I completely sympathize about the mushroom. Who the heck wants just ONE mushroom? I know I don’t. In fact, it’s probably a good idea if I start handing servers a note that says “ALWAYS more than one mushroom” because you never know.

    Reply
    1. dead_elvis

      It’s good practice to start with just one ‘shroom. You never know how strong they might be, so best not to overdo it before you have a baseline.

      Wait, what kind of mushrooms are we talking about?

      Reply
  2. Sharon

    Oh my GAWD. I know a woman who was like this. I went out to eat with her ONCE. Every single bite she put in her mouth had to be perfect. She was so elaborate and rude while placing her order that I didn’t order anything right away. (I found our server and apologized, asked if I could just have a coffee, and I slipped him $5.00 right then.)
    Every time the server came to our table, she had a new gripe.
    Did a mention she weighed over 300 pounds?
    She told me that when she goes to her “regular places” she would just give them a note, with her “requirements” listed. God have mercy on those “regular places”.
    You could not pay me enough to go anywhere with her in public again.

    Reply
      1. Kimberly Sims

        Sure it does, she’s a fat demanding pig that has to have everything perfect for herself, her happiness depending on what others do for her, yet the cow can’t control her own hand from shoveling everything down her own throat… screw her.

        Reply
      2. Sharon

        Sorry. It was kind of petty of me, I know.
        It’s just that she is SO freaking mean to people she thinks are her “subordinates”. I saw he once body bump another woman at church because she was sitting in a place she needed to go past. The woman almost fell out of her chair. Then…no “excuse me” or “I’m sorry” just a death glare.

        I am truly sorry for being rude myself talking about her antics. No excuse for that.

        Reply
    1. Budi

      God, I work in a restaurant that caters to people like that and Mr. Fingleton. I write novels that comprise some people’s orders, then the kitchen gets pissed off at ME, like I somehow pulled this dementia wholesale from the ether. We actually have people come in with their desires printed ON BUSINESS CARDS. One of the guys I work with has a collection of them. (I always give them back to the customer.) My favorite customer is the lady who gave me her entire order without a word about soy, and then while i was entering it into the computer and had already sent the appetizer order to the kitchen, her husband literally grabs me by the shoulder to swing me around and make sure there’s no soy in anything because “she’s allergic to soy.” So I put the entire order on hold while I scramble for the ingredients list and look up every single thing she’d ordered (and all the constituent parts like sauces) to make sure nothing had soy. She asked to see the list too, so I gave it to her – all of this on a busy Friday night with a full station, btw – and she sees that the appetizer she ordered which I’d already sent to the kitchen contains almond milk. So she pitches a hissy over the almond milk, and I’m standing there staring at her wondering what in the hell I’m supposed to do about that when this is the first time I’m hearing anything about frigging almond milk, and I say I’m sorry ma’am, I was unaware you were trying to avoid that particular ingredient, and she snaps at me “I don’t DO almond milk.” Like seriously: what the hell am I supposed to do with that? Then she literally throws the ingredient list at me and tells me to pick a salad dressing out for her that doesn’t have soy in it, because the one she was going to choose contains it. Thankfully, at that point, her husband stepped in and interceded. Some people really should not go out in public.

      Reply
      1. Too old to care anymore

        This is why I I got of the industry. I snapped on a particularly picky and non communicative and extremely rude woman who literally asked as I walked to the table, “you’re not a fucking moron are you? The last time I was here the idiot didnt know what she was doing. Hopefully you’ll do better.” I assured her I’ll take whatever step necessary to ensure her order was right. I wanted to stab her in the eye with a hot soldering iron. When she ordered it was an extravagant amount of requirements that basically ended up being something not even on our menu. I wrote it in the computer exactly as she said to me. Went to the cooks and even manager about it. Everything seemed to come out right, but when the food came it wasn’t up to par and the bitch needed something every time I brought her the previous item. Each time was a grumble on speed and an insult. I got so pissed I eventually said, “You do know I have other guest right? I need to see to them as well, I’ll be back later enjoy your meal….” She paid in cash and wrote this huge note on how rude I was the whole time (which was true at the end but not the whole time. Ive got an excellent poker face) on the ticket and shorted the check by half. In her note she said it wasn’t worth the full price. So fuck me right?! I chased after her and pretty much called her a fucking cunt who has no idea how the restaurant industry works and needs to never come back if it was so bad. My manager was there eyes open. She flipped out on him and before he could reply walked out. I told the manager my side of the story and that I quit. It was my breaking point. Now I manage my own little sandwich shop and have signs around stating if you are rude to my staff they have a right to defend themselves and other signs like that.

        Reply
        1. Michi09

          As a chef. If one of the servers I work with ever had that problem I would go to the table and deal with it!

          Reply
  3. Bob

    Sounds like a cook/waitress who has screwed up everything in the past to me. Just helping you get it right so he doesn’t have to send it back to get it right.

    Reply
    1. Laura

      If you get bad service and you’re unhappy about it, dont go back to that restaurant. If you ALWAYS get bad service, then you are the constant in this expiriment and need to adjust your expectations.

      Reply
      1. Kim

        Exactly. We had this one guy at my old job that would come in every Friday and order basically the same thing. He always had an issue. Either the whitefish was too skinny (because it’s skinny) or the baby flounder was small (because it’s baby) or he couldn’t get rice as a side (because what he ordered wasn’t allowed for that particle take out thing.) If you have a problem everytime, the restaurant isn’t the problem. Finally he tried to pull that shit when the owner was there and for once he didn’t get anything for free like he was expecting.

        Reply
    2. Melissa

      Ugh. Go away.

      If that actually were the case, complain to management, request another server or stop returning – but in all likelihood this fella is just a miserable old coo who projects said misery on the poor servers whose job it is to be as kind as possible through absurd rudeness and above all else an incredibly demeaning list of demands.

      Reply
  4. Peon

    Personally this looks more like instructions from a resident of an old folks’ home, with all of the “if —> then” requirements. That and the table top looks like it’s one of those in a hospital or old folks’ home bedroom, and it looks like a bedspread and personal photos behind it. Not saying it’s not ridiculous but not a restaurant setting IMHO.

    Reply
    1. Meg

      I think that is a good guess. I was thinking country club. I worked for one and requests like this were not uncommon and everyone was referred to as Mr. or Mrs.

      Reply
  5. Kahla L

    I honestly feel bad for the customers who feel the need to do this, it must be difficult to be so very important and miserable.

    Reply
  6. Allie

    This is by far the worst I’ve seen and that guy is a nightmare. The sad truth is, over 13 years, I have met every iteration of this guy, some going so far as to have cards printed or handing me instructions that they’ve written out.

    It’s ridiculous and this type of person is truly awful, but I always look for the silver lining; in this case, at least it’s on paper and I don’t have to try to remember all that shit.

    Reply
  7. Jessie

    “Particularly if in conversation with guests”

    Makes it sound like a retirement home or hospital to me.

    Still crazy picky and hilarious though 🙂

    Reply
  8. Joey B

    His stupid brkfst should be garnish with a turd placed at 6 o’clock and drop kick to his stupid vacant self entitled head .Fuck ppl like him …Enough is enough .We should pitch in & send all of fucks like that to Siberia for permanent vacay where they would be forced to eat tree bark and if lucky find a dead thing and have bbq party ( I knew someone who was there sent during WWII & it’s not a joke)

    Reply
  9. Scott

    My new attitude in regards to difficult customers is “Kill em with kindness”. It’s not a new saying or philosophy, but it works beautifully with difficult people. If I am nice, then I am in the right. If the customer becomes exasperated with my niceness, then it is squarely on them.

    I think I would read the entire order back to this “gentleman” to ensure I had everything “just right”, and do so with a big smile pasted on my face. I’d stop a few times and ask (nicely) “I’m sorry what is this word sir?”.

    I’d bring the note back with me on every trip to his table and read it back, and then check off each item…again with a huge smile and a kind demeanor.

    Although I doubt he would have any companions. If I had the time I’d wait 10 feet away from him staring with an eager smile to check on how he was doing.

    This kind of anal retentive asshole deserves to be accommodated in kind.

    I think I might actually enjoy subtly tormenting this shit bag…but always with over-the-top politeness.

    Reply
  10. Lisa

    I worked in a natural resturant that served vegan/vegetarian, free range, & kept it as organic as possible. We had a customer that came in once every couple months that had a list of ingredients she was allergic to, which was just about everything. She would bring in a bag of flour we could use to batter her tempura. She was a sweet lady with horrific food allergies who just wanted to go out with her husband and friends every now and then. She was always came in on less busy weeknights and was very grateful and treated the staff respectfully. While it wasn’t easy trying to figure out what we could serve her we didn’t mind so much because of how considerate she was towards us. People like the one in the article could really take a lesson from her.

    Reply
    1. Ange

      See that’s nice, it doesn’t take much to be kind. I’d be happy to help someone like that but I’m sure the above guy was nowhere near as friendly.

      Reply
  11. David Cowling

    I worked at a place that had a lot of regulars. I was never handed a note though. We knew most of the particular ones, not that big of a deal, but if some idiot hands me that note, it goes straight to a manager. Ain’t nobody got time for that shit.

    Reply

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