Two women are sitting at Booth 3, presumably on a “Girls Night Out.” Under the misleading idea that wearing all black would be slimming and that sequins class things up, it is clear that these girls are ready to party.
“Hello, ladies. Can I get you anything to drink tonight? A Pear Cosmo? Or maybe a glass of wine?”
“We were thinking of ordering a bottle of wine, actually but we don’t usually order a whole bottle. What do you suggest?” one of them asks.
I cringe at the question because I am the first to admit my lack of wine knowledge. In the types of restaurants I usually punch in, bottles of wine are not a top seller. Seven years of serving breakfast and lunch didn’t really require me to know a lot about bottles of wine.
“Well, would you like red or white?” I ask.
“What’s the difference?”
I do a mental face palm and realize that even though I grew up drinking Boone’s Berry Farm and California Coolers, I am practically a sommelier compared to these girls.
“Red is served at room temperature and white is served cold,” seems to satisfy their quest for wine knowledge.
The ladies hem and haw trying to decide what to get when they finally ask me the most important question that anyone who is ordering a bottle of wine can ask:
“Can we get a taste of the White Zinfandel?”
A taste of the White Zinfandel? What are you tasting it for, to see if it’s tastes like ass? I can tell you right now, it does. It will taste like Mr. Kool-Aid took a piss inside a wine bottle and then shit out a couple of Splendas into it and shook it up. It will taste like a raspberry Fla-vor-Ice that was in the freezer too long and got a mean case of freezer burn and then sat outside in the sun to defrost for two days and then got poured into a wine glass. It will taste like someone bought their grapes at the Dollar Store and then put them through a wringer with a handful of powdered sugar.
“Absolutely, I will be right back with a taste of our finest White Zinfandel.”
I return moments later with two glasses, each with a taste of the wine. It would have been sooner, but the bartender had to dig deep into the reach-in to find a bottle of our finest White Zinfandel. It was behind the whipped cream, the huge jar of olives and an old container of yogurt that the hostess had left in there about two weeks earlier.
I place the glasses before the ladies who each pick one up and sniff inside giving their olfactory senses a a workout trying to decipher between a “subtle floral aroma” and “nasty ass whiff of Hawaiian Fruit Punch.”
They swirl the wine around in their glasses and hold it up to the light to see if it “has legs.” Finally, they let it wash over their taste buds and I await their reaction.
“Hmmm, I think I like it, what do you think?” one says to the other.
“It tastes really good. That is a very nice bottle of wine. I say we go for it.”
They do indeed “go for it” spending a whopping $28 for a bottle of our finest White Zinfandel. They pair it with a hummus plate and spinach artichoke dip, because these bitches are fancy like that.
When they are done, the bottle is empty and they tell me how much they loved the wine. I can’t really judge because I have been known to drink wine out of a box, champagne out of a can and a margarita out of a plastic to-go cup on the Q32 bus. What I can do though is write a blog post about the two nice ladies at Booth 3 who looked at that bottle of White Zinfandel as a sophisticated night on the town.
Nope
Cool! Insulting the weight of ladies just trying to have a good time. You are one awesome dude!!
Ashley S
I think people getting all pissy about this post are missing the point. It’s not that they ordered White Zinfandel, it’s that they made a big deal about it. Had to taste it first, swirled, contemplated. Then and only then made the momentous decision to commit to a bottle. Full disclosure: I work at a wine bar, and I’m a judgmental bitch. Judge though I may, I still want you to drink what makes you happy. Be happy! Just don’t pretend you’re being fancy. I don’t have time for that shit.
TVG
Why are people getting offended by this post? It’s not like he said “These two stupid cunts came into my restaurant and interrupted me to order two fucking glasses of white zinfandel. They were stupid bitches so I pissed in it!” He’s just light-heartedly making fun of two ladies who thought white zinfandel was a classy drink, and he even admits at the end that he drinks cheap stuff too. Yes, he’s making fun of them a little, but it’s not mean-spirited and it’s on a blog called the Bitchy Waiter. Some commenters took this one too personally, I guess
Alex Hoskins
“It will taste like Mr. Kool-Aid took a piss inside a wine bottle and then shit out a couple of Splendas into it and shook it up.”
I’m hoping I have the stone balls enough to use this at least once when people say stupid things when making bad wine ordering choices. My favourite is when inevitably some stuck-up-his/her-own arse fuckwit says something along the lines of, “Oh no, I don’t like Chardonnay,”. It’s a grape you imbecile, I wouldn’t trust you with telling the difference between tuna and chicken much less the finer nuances between wine grape varieties. Guess what all wines are made out of? Grapes and you don’t have a fucking clue what the difference between them is. Then when you proceed to order a Chablis – “Ooh, this is so much better, dryer, not like a Chardonnay at all!” – I know for sure you have a grey matter absence that qualifies you immediately for being a certified Yelp reviewer. And finally, yes, you vacant-eyed simpleton, it’s also what they make Champagne out of.
Comments are, as always, hilarious. Is it just me or has there been an increase in sanctimonious self-righteous comments calling bitchy out for being too, well, bitchy? Great post, I feel like those two nice ladies would make a great date.
Karma Girl
I agree BW put a little too much vitrol into writing about a couple of ladies who just wanted to have a good time. They weren’t hurting anyone and it wasn’t mentioned that they were bad tippers, so I’m assuming they treated him right. It didn’t sound like they were particularly rude, just ignorant about wine, a crime our favorite bitchy waiter admits to himself. Threatening to cut out BW’s eyes out with a broken wine bottle is a bit much, though. Let’s all be friends here. I’ll bring the cham-pack-knee. 🙂
CincyDrunk
Too many people are getting their panties in a bunch over this post. I, too, giggle when my mom says she likes rosé to sound fancy.
Nance
I ALWAYS make fun of people who order White Zinfandel, so I guess that makes me a bitch as well as a snob (snort!)
I have one pompous asshole that drops the name “Beringer White Zinfandel” like it’s a glass of Moet & Chandon Dom Perignon P3 Plenitude Brut. His panties always get in a twist when I tell him that we don’t carry Beringer, but that I would be happy to bring him a glass of Canyon Road or Castoro brand White Zin. Come on, what the fuck is the difference between brands of this swill? It does taste like Kool-Aid and you are ALWAYS going to pay way too much for a glass or bottle of this shit if you order it at a restaurant. If you like the sweet stuff, order a mixed drink. You look way cooler sipping on a cosmopolitan, and you will get more bang for your buck.
I enjoyed this post. The blog is called “The Bitchy Waiter” for a reason. If you don’t like what is being said, move on to something else.
Bob
And this is why many of us have little sympathy for bitchy-assed waiters. There are far more deserving people out there who deserve my tip. Maybe this is why you’re so bitchy!
Victoria
I can’t tell you how many tables order our $4 special, a glass of Moscato and then send it back because they “don’t drink wine, they wanted Moscato.” They don’t believe me until I bring out the bottle and then get mad at Wacka Flocka or Drake or whoever for making them order a girly drink. This has happened to me on numerous occasions and now I just tell people its wine when they order it.
JoAnn McClanahan
I recently discovered your blog and enjoy much of your writing. This, however, is more mean spirited than bitchy. Stick to dissing the assholes.
Deb
Those two ladies, story of my life but I don’t front.
And we’ll never be royals (royals).
It don’t run in our blood,
That kind of luxe just ain’t for us.
We crave a different kind of buzz.
Let me be your ruler (ruler),
You can call me queen Bee
And baby I’ll rule, I’ll rule, I’ll rule, I’ll rule.
Let me live that fantasy.
Krista
All I got out of this was Champagne In A Can. Does this actually exist? I’d love to get some 🙂
Elsewhere
There was a running gag on a British sitcom about Japanese Tinned Champagne, but I assure you there is such a thing as wine in a can. Union Wine put their rosé, their pinot gris, and their pinot noir into tins.
See
http://shop.unionwinecompany.com/products/underwood-pinot-in-a-can
to order your case today.
Mary
Sofia Coppola used to make some,may still.It was good!Great for road trips and picnics.came In a four pack of little red cans.
Nance
It’s actually Francis Ford Coppola’s winery and he named a champagne after his daughter Sofia. You can still get this in a can. Perfect for the pool! It’s pretty tasty.
Ktk
When I was in Germany for a restaurant opening, we did indeed have champagne in a can at a music festival!
Freeman Williams
I grew up on Champale® and I can assure you, White Zin is pretty damned fancy.
(I am also never allowed to buy the wine for house parties)
Martin Gideo
Unfortunately, there are no buttons for liking comments, however you’re my hero… But only if you sprung for the light up bottle.
Chris Chandler
Why? These women weren’t rude or mean, just sad. If they enjoyed it, leave them be. The restaurant is more at fault for marking a bottle of $4 piss up to $28 than the women were for paying it. Next time, I hope all your wine drinking customers toss the glass in your face and announce to the whole dining room that you are asking them to pay $5 a glass for something that came out of a $4 bottle.
MC
I agree with you, Chris. Someone got out of the wrong side of the bed today and took “bitchy” to a whole new level.
DocP
They took the level of bitchy and raised it to first class snob. I prefer sweet wines and I use to drink White Zinfandel until I found Moscato. More important why didn’t this waiter know the differences between red and white wines, its his job to know things like that.
Jan
No it isn’t. Unless he works as a professional Somm in an upscale restaurant, they do not have to know the wines beyond basics. The fact that you “upgraded” to Moscato cracked me up. You don’t know wine, either.
Allie
Chris Chandler youre the people he blogs about. Throw the glass in his face? You mean the owner who decided what the prices were going to be? You’re the type to tip 0 because you had to wait 3 more minutes in your dinner salad coming out first because you walk in mid dinner rush on a Friday, actting like your the only table in the restaurant being served..
Chris Chandler
I’m not a white wine drinker. But I don’t expect Darren the cunt to bitch about a wine selection when he admits he knows nothing about wine. I bet those two women even tipped decently, since the fucker didn’t even mention what they left for a tip. The tip is usually the first bitch out of the whore’s lips. The customers enjoyed the wine, the house ripped them off, and the cuntmaster didn’t even complain about getting stiffed. So yeah, he deserves broken shards of glass cutting his bitch eyes. He’s a real classy cunt.
The Bitchy Waiter
Ummm, it’s Darron.
Amy
And apparently someone woke up on the wrong side of the bitch box this morning.
It’s venting. Service industry folks do it because sniping off clock towers is frowned upon by the general public. Wine all tastes like someone wiped their ass with a towel soaked in grape juice and then wrung it out in a bottle. Unless you’re going to a restaurant and ordering the lobster or porterhouse, wine is a pointless venue to explore. The ladies knew even less about wine than Darron does (at least he knew the temperatures, right?) and their…”connoisseur” ways of sniffing, swirling and inspecting were…If I had served them, I would have gone back to the bar and spread the story because…yeah. Because I could.
Stephanie
I love me some BW, but really, do you need to use cunt and whore as insults? Some of my best friends are cunts and whores.
Jeri Velgreen
Some of the best margins in restaurants are on White Zin, which helps to make up for higher-priced bottles that are less profitable. The same happens with “on-premise” wines that are mostly used in banquets. Though I don’t enjoy White Zin myself, I never begrudge someone else’s choice. After all, they’re paying for it and it’s our job to accommodate their requests. And perhaps a little more wine knowledge would allow you to recommend an “appropriate” upgrade.