In an effort to stay the klassiest restaurant in all the land, Waffle House has stepped up its game this year. A woman in Kennesaw, Georgia was recently arrested after getting naked and having a little freak out in the middle of her Breakfast All-Star Special. The woman is named Jennifer Nicholson but we may as well call her “Waffle Flower” since she’s so delicate and precious. Reports say she was charged with aggravated battery and criminal damage to property as well as simple battery against a police officer. Waffle Flower hit another woman and also threw plates of food at other customers which is a goddamn shame because that is a total waste of good sausage patties.
I tracked down the Waffle House where the incident occurred (no, I didn’t) to see if I could get more information and I was able to find the waitress from that night. Her name is Betty Jean (totally not…) and she gave me her account of the morning things got naked and scary at Waffle House. This is from Betty Jean (no, it isn’t):
Good Lord, it was awful. I just started working there at the Waffle House a couple of weeks ago. I’m picking up extra shifts, but I mostly work at Doug’s Donuts Diner down the street. I tell you, the clientele there leaves a lot to be desired. It seems like most of them don’t even have teeth. Anyway, it was a Thursday morning and in walks Jennifer. I could tell she wasn’t right from the moment I saw her because her eyes looked all crazy like. You know when you see a woman at the Wal-Mart on Black Friday who is trying to get that last 60” flat screen for $99? She looked like that. Her nostrils were all flared and angry. When she ordered her breakfast, I told her we were outta hash browns and we would be substituting a fruit cup instead. Well, she didn’t like that one bit. The next thing I knew, she was standing in the booth howling at the moon like a werewolf in heat. She ripped off her t-shirt, which was a real shame because it was a nice one. It had a picture of unicorn on it. She didn’t have a bra on and her titties were so saggy that they were laying on the table getting syrup on ‘em. Then she kicked off her flip-flops, took off her koulats and then she pulled her panties off too. That’s when I asked her if she’d rather have an extra pancake instead of the fruit cup but all she did was reach over to the next booth and slap that poor old lady who was just sitting there drinking her coffee. Then she picked up a plate and threw it across the restaurant. “I want my mother fucking hash brown,” she screamed. That’s when I punched out and went right back to Doug’s Donuts Diner and told my boss I will never work anywhere else again. Those Waffle House customers are too crazy.
There you have it, folks. Another tale of a Waffle House gone bad. When will it end? Will Waffle House ever be a place where people can just enjoy a goddamn waffle without having the experience ruined by one of the dregs of society? Only time will tell.