What Guys on Blind Dates in Restaurants Should Know

tumblr_lf64dmX4y51qbbiweo1_500Dear Guy on a Blind Date in My Restaurant,

Be on your best behavior. I see what is going on and I can tell what your date really thinks about you. What you probably don’t know is that the girl chose this restaurant because she’s a regular and feels safe here. She met you online and you are coming out to her neighborhood in Queens for dinner and you said, “You tell me where you want to meet.” She chose my restaurant because she knows that it’s close to her house and she is surrounded by people who know her in case you turn out to be the blind date from hell. She’s not the only one who is judging you. I am too.

Over the years, I have watched her bring in dozens of guys and every time it’s the same thing: she gets here a little bit early and has a glass of wine at the bar as she waits for you to arrive. When you get here, you both go to Booth 8 or 9 and so the date begins. She watches to see how you treat me as I take your order because she knows that how you treat a server is indicative of how you treat people in general. If you’re cordial and respectful to me, then you are on your way to date number 2. If you’re dismissive of me, you’re done for.

This most recent date went nowhere fast. I know her type and the minute you walked in, it was clear that she either was trying to go in a different direction or you misrepresented yourself online. You ordered a seltzer so then she ordered a ginger ale when she really wanted another glass of Pinot Grigio. That was strike one. But then, you were super polite to me, so maybe you’re on your way to a good date. But then you decided to split a side salad with her and share a roasted chicken. Strike two. If you’re going to share food, at least get something that can be divided easily. Watching the two of you tear off little pieces of chicken with your hands was rather disturbing and not first date material.

Also, guy, you should know that every time you go to the restroom, it gives your date a chance to text someone about you. It happened twice on this date. As soon as you sat down, you went to wash your hands. This was her cue to pick up her phone and text her best friend with something like, “OMG. He totally doesn’t look like his profile pic. He’s wearing Dockers. Fuuuuck.” The second time you went to the restroom, it was after you paid the check. This gave her the opportunity to text and do something else. As soon as the door to the restroom clicked shut, she reached over and looked to see what you left me as a tip. It was $12 on $34. Good move, dude. You also turned the receipt over so as not to let her see what you tipped which was another smooth move. That way you know that if she wants to see, she will have to be pro-active about it and it makes you look super modest. She looked and I saw her in her face that she was reevaluating the last forty-five minutes with you. She also texted again which probably said something like, “I dunno, he’s alright. I might fuck him.”

Just remember Guy on Blind Date in My Restaurant, that it’s not just your date you’re trying to impress. She will be looking for clues and if you treat me right, it might be enough for her to forget that you wore Dockers, ordered a seltzer and then shared a chicken breast with her. Leaving me a 35% tip is the best way for you to get a 75% chance of giving her 100% of your tip.

Mustard and mayo,
The Bitchy Waiter

5 thoughts on “What Guys on Blind Dates in Restaurants Should Know

  1. The Serving Buddha (aka Mike)

    Holy crap, if people knew just what a litmus test how treating your waiter is on a date. This might be one of the best lines I’ve read in a while, “Leaving me a 35% tip is the best way for you to get a 75% chance of giving her 100% of your tip.” Wow, just wow.


    We take job applicants out to lunch specifically to watch how they treat the staff wherever we go. Not being a prick applies in many situations.

  3. Snowy

    >You ordered a seltzer so then she ordered a ginger ale when she really wanted another glass of Pinot Grigio. That was strike one.

    I don’t get this. If she wanted a glass of wine, why didn’t she order it? Or order it before he ordered his seltzer?


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