Gird your loins, everybody. Today is the day that Olive Garden starts to sell their Unlimited Pasta Pass and that means that 1000 lucky people will get to stuff their eating holes with pasta for 49 days for the low, low price of $100! This year, they are doing a family deal too which will allow a family of four to do the same thing for only $300. This is for those parents who don’t feel their kids are quite fat enough yet. We all know where this will go: it will be a good, old-fashioned eatin’ contest and people across the country will try to out eat everybody else so they can really get their money;’s worth. I expect several blog posts to pop up about it. In an effort to beat the rush, I searched high and low (no I didn’t) for someone who is eager to purchase the pass and asked him how he plans to take advantage if it if he is one of the lucky ones; I found (no I didn’t) a guy named Archie “Bubba” Miller who has agreed to share his story with (no, he didn’t.):
Hey, y’all! My name is Archie but you’s can call me Bubba. That’s what my friends calls me anyway. Today at 2:00 EST, I am turning off Judge Judy and headed right to my PC to try and score an unlimited Pasta Pass from Olive Garden. Last year, I didn’t hear about ‘em until they was already sold out and then I tried to buy one on eBay, but it was scam and all I got for my $150 was an expired gift card and a paper cut on my tongue from ripping open the envelope with my teeth. I learned my lesson so this time I’m going online to get it. Lord, I hope I’m one of the 1000 people. I feel like Charlie looking for a golden ticket, you know? If I win one, I am going to take full advantage of it and not have to buy groceries for 49 days. I plan on eating at OG ever day at least twice so that that each one of my meals breaks down to about a dollar apiece. You can go as many times as you want and that’s what I’m gonna do. You can also get two per day to go, so I’m gonna do that too and then freeze ‘em so I won’t have to buy groceries until mid-November. “But what are you gonna eat for breakfast?” you’re probably wondering. Well, the answer to that is breadsticks, silly goose! All you gotta do with those is cut ‘em into strips and then smear ‘em with butter and then grill them with cinnamon and sugar. I calls it Italian French Toast! It’s real good.
I already know what I’m gonna eat on my first day: fettuccine with Alfredo and crispy chicken fritta. Goddamn, my mouth is already waterin’ for it. I’m sure I will try all of the options except for whole wheat linguini, because that sounds too healthy. If I want health food, I’ll go to Applebee’s, you know? This year they have a new sauce called pesto Alfredo which I guess is Alfredo sauce with pesto in it. I looked up to see what pesto is and it’s made of basil, so I probably won’t ever get that because basil counts as a vegetable serving and I don’t really do veggies. If I want veggies, I’ll go to Chili’s and get an Awesome Blossom, you know? I probably won’t ever get those chicken meatballs either because I like my balls to be meaty. I love some meaty balls, y’all.
Okay, I gotta go, because it’s almost time for Judge Judy to start and then the Pasta Pass goes up for sale at 2:00. I gotta get ready to swoop in there and get one. If I don’t get it, I’m just hoping that one of my friends gets the family pass so I can go eat with him. Fingers crossed, everybody! Olive Garden forever!!