We Don’t Take Am Ex, Get Over It

Get over it, bitch.

Get over it, bitch.

Dear Lady at Table 16,

No, we do not take American Express. I did not make that decision so why don’t you just keep the attitude to yourself. Although I am immensely impressed by the Olympic-caliber eye rolling that you were able to produce, it will not change anything. We take MasterCard, Visa and Discover so please reach into your knock off Michael Kors bag and find one of those pieces of plastic or walk your ass over to an ATM and scrounge up some cash.

“Who doesn’t take Am Ex?” you ask your friend. “Why on earth would they not take Am Ex?” you ask your other friend. “I’m trying to get points” you say to the third person at your table. “Why are we even friends with this bitch?” they all think.

I do not know why we don’t accept American Express. I assume the owner has a good reason for it, but he has not passed those thoughts to me, the server. If he ever did decide to include me in his decision making process, my first question for him would be “why are the walls of the restaurant painted this horrible burgundy color of an apple that sat in the sun for two months?” My next question would be “why have you let someone like me work here for almost five years? I’m awful.”

Since I don’t know the real reason we don’t accept American Express, I am going to assume that is has something to do with the owner possibly being distinctly un-American which would explain why we don’t have American cheese, hot dogs or apple pie on the menu. Come to think of it, not once has he ever asked me to recite the pledge of allegiance and the Pandora channel he plays never has Kate Smith belting out “God Bless America.” Most of the time, the music is a mixture of 80’s and 90’s pop music and one day I heard “Der Kommissar” which is downright communistic. Although I had never thought about it before this moment, if all makes perfect sense why we don’t accept the American Express card: the owner hates America more than Arriana Grande does which would also explain why I recently saw him licking a tray of donuts. Maybe the owner doesn’t believe that this country is the greatest place on earth and the only way he could think to show his disdain for his homeland is to shun the most American of all credit cards, American Express.

“I defy this country! I care not for its amber waves of grain or the purple mountain majesty above the fruited plains!” he cries out from his office in the basement of the restaurant. “Oh how can I show the world my true feelings about America? Is it not enough that I listen exclusively to music created by foreign artists like Elton John, Celine Dion and The Rolling Stones? Is it not clear by the fact that I use mayonnaise on my fries rather than ketchup? No, it is not, so I shall do what I must which is to deny the use of the American Express card in my restaurant. Only then will people truly understand that I am not a patriot! Down with the USA and down with American Express!”

So, Lady at Table 16, that totally must be the reason we don’t accept American Express. I can think of no other possibility other than the fact that the processing fee for businesses to use their card is higher than the fees for other credit cards. But it’s probably because the owner is un-American. Yeah, that’s it.

Mustard and mayo,
The Bitchy Waiter

Discussion

  1. DIC
  2. Paul
  3. joanie
  4. Jenn
  5. Jaime Burke
  6. Q
  7. Danielle
    • B.C
  8. Judith
  9. Jay
    • Heather
    • T

Leave a Reply