The One Thing Parents Need To Do With Their Kids in Restaurants:

For reals.

For reals.

The blog post I am about to write is not my first one about children and we all know it will certainly not be my last one unless destiny reaches down from the heavens and makes me breathe my last breath today. Actually, this post is more about the parents and how I am in desperate need of them to grow some fucking balls and learn how to reprimand their children and accept that if they do, their kids might be upset with them. Stop using me as your bad cop. I may not care about your kids, but that doesn’t mean that I want to be the one to teach them manners.

I’m sure the following scenario, or one very similar to it, has happened to all of us:

Some little half-pint asshole is running through the restaurant like a chicken with his head up its ass. The parents are too busy to control the little hellion because they are downing Sidecars and Old Fashioneds in order to numb their senses and forget the day they thought it was a good idea to have sex without a condom. As Mom slurps down the last ounce of brandy and sucks on an ice cube and Dad tries to squeeze out one more drop of bourbon from a muddled orange slice, their child is three booths away having a conversation with another couple who just want to have a night away from their own kids. As the child slowly meanders closer to its semi-drunk parents, it is distracted by the iPhone it is holding. The child promptly sits on the floor in the middle of the dining room in order to play whatever stupid fucking game was downloaded on its behalf. This is when a server, holding tray of food, walks from the kitchen and narrowly misses the drooling pile of three-foot high human. When the server stumbles slightly and barely saves the food on the tray, the Mom looks up with her glazed-over eyeballs and sees that it was her offspring that was the cause of the potential disaster. She finally springs into action, albeit slower than a sloth on antihistamines.

“Crotch Fruit, sweetie? Time for you to come sit down. Our food is here.” she slurs.

The child makes its way to the parents as the server is placing the plates onto the table.

“You have to sit down at the table because you were almost in our waiter’s way. If you keep running around the restaurant like that, you’re going to make him mad, isn’t that right Mr. Waiter?”

Okay, this pisses me off. Don’t put me in the position of being the bad guy because you can’t take the responsibility that comes with being a demanding parent. Why do so many parents ask that their children to do something in order to please some person that the child does not even know? I hear it all the time: “Asshole, Jr., you better stop screaming or the pilot is going to get upset with you and kick you off the airplane” or “Vaginal Surplus, if you don’t straighten up right now, the supermarket lady is never going to let you come grocery shopping with me again.”

How about, parents, you say something like this to your kids: “If you don’t stop acting like a damn fool, I am going to be pissed off. Me, your parent. I’m the only one you should be trying to please and I don’t give a shit if Mr. Waiter, the pilot or Supermarket Lady is upset with you. They can’t punish you, but I can. Listen to what I tell you and do as I say because I’m your goddamn parent and if you don’t like it when I’m mad at you, tough fucking titty.” Or something like that.

My point is that I don’t like when parents try to make me enforce rules so they can get the behavior they want from their child and still smell like a rose when I end up looking like the asshole and smelling like fajitas. Do your job, parents. It’s a hard job and thank you for doing it, but enough with the trying to make it look like I am the one who wants them to act like civilized human beings. You want it too and it might be a good thing if your kids know that. Be a parent so I can be your server.


28 thoughts on “The One Thing Parents Need To Do With Their Kids in Restaurants:

  1. jamie

    One time I offered a table dessert (I work at a Mexican restaurant and we make homemade paletas) and the mom actually got mad at me because then her kid wanted a red-pop. Lady, it’s not my job to tell your kid he can’t have dessert. It IS my job to sell you delicious organic popsicles. I’ll do my job; you do yours.

  2. Georgia

    i AM NOT A BABYSITTER, YOU ARE A PARENT. ACT LIKE ONE. my father used to look at me and ask if I wanted to go outside. ARE YOU KIDDING? If I didn’t cut my own switch big enough, my uncle would do it for me. And he worked on oil rigs. 19 years in service has taught me to just never ever ever ever ever have kids. Or at least, don’t bring them to a fucking restaurant before they’re old enough to behave.

  3. Mel b

    These parents get under my Damn skin! I’m a server and a mom to 3 little boys who know better than to act like little ass holes in public. I just don’t get how it’s so difficult!!

  4. Barreleh

    These kid posts always remind me of a shift I had on either Easter or Mothers Day a hundred years ago. A couple came in with their hideous (no really, the kid was hideous) toddler, and proceeded to throw what looked like a Navy dufflebag full of toddler-related sh*t on the table. This was a VERY busy shift and in order to maximize profits, the owner put more tables in the dining room, so moving around for us servers was very tight.

    Finally, when Uglycia’s parents’ food came out, I had no choice but to pass it to them over their self-made pile of toddler crap. Uglycia’s mommy than wasted 10 minutes of my shift telling me all the ways I could have hurt Uglycia by passing that plate so close to Uglycia. Yeah, right, that was my fault. Mom really should have reflected on the fact that a hot plate of pasta in the face could only have improved Uglycia’s appearance.

  5. April

    The worst one I’ve heard is a mom who used to tell their kids to behave at the doctors office, or else the doctor would give them a shot. And then, when the doctor was ready to give them a vaccine, the kid would freak the fuck out because they WERE behaving, and were going to give them a shot anyway.

    When parents said I would be mad at their kid, I would smile at the kid and say “AW I could never be mad at you! you are just too sweet!” and walk away. Didn’t matter if the kid was being a raging shit ball, I was not going to be his parents scape goat.

    1. Michael K.

      Second that. Glad I was not eating or drinking while I read it. “Crotch Fruit” is perhaps the most wonderful thing I have ever read. Love you BW.

  6. Rachael

    When I worked in retail a mom got really mad at me because I told her that she could not leave her toddler in the kids show isle so she could go shop at other stores in the mall. It was unreal.

  7. ShezAnEnigma

    Parents say these things, not because they don’t want to seem like a bad guy to their child but because their child don’t listen to them. The child will listen to others or fear others because they don’t know what that person will do. Lol, it’s a shame but 99% of the time why.

  8. GORE

    “Don’t put me in the position of being the bad guy because you can’t take the responsibility that comes with being a demanding parent”


  9. Shelley

    Haven’t been a server for over 30 years, but as a customer, OMFG. I spend a large part of so many meals out sending death stares at parents who let their effing children stand on the furniture. DO YOUR CHILDREN STAND ON THE SEATS AT HOME?!? Didn’t they just walk from the car through the same parking lot full of spit, bird crap and god knows what? And you let them stand on the seats. Worst are the ones in the next booth who are not only standing on the bench, but turned around facing me. Little puke faced brats, chewing with their mouths open, because they all chew with their mouths open now.

  10. Anne Flaherty

    The idiots who don’t just LET the baby have the sugar caddy to play with, but who actually GIVE the baby the sugar caddy. Usually, they dump it out on the table and floor, but whatever doesn’t go there goes in their mouth. So, after they leave, it all goes in the trash because it is now contaminated. And when they come back next time, and we have raised our prices to cover this sort of fuckery, they will bitch loudly. Let’s not even discuss all the germy hands that touch the sugar caddies every day, and you let your kid put it their mouth. PARENTING-YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG!

    1. Joey B

      Amen !!!Agreee! We had sugar in jars and this “mom” opened it up and dumped it in the table so her little “Special Snowlake” could play with it like it was a pile of sand….true story

  11. Amber M

    I remember working at an amusement park dealing with that ki d of stuff cause the stand I worked at sold alcohol and “italian” inspired dishes. We (teenagers to college age mind you) had to carry 3 year olds out from where we worked and the kitchen cause the parents would worry about guzzling their beer. We had one parent have their 4 year old daught CARRY their WINE to the table! We had 2 empty booths behind where the beers and registers were and we’d have moms who thought they owned the world fight us for those seats during rushes. Well sorry ma’am we have wine and beer next to us, we don’t want any lawsuits. When I worked at Panera it was crazy soccor and cheerleader moms who would literally shove their orders down our throats, to the point their children had to tell them they were being too bossy. So I’ve been in that situation WAAAYYYY too many times.

  12. Elaine

    i’m a parent and I wholeheartedly agree! I don’t want other peoples rugrats ruining my night out/away .. (always hated other people’s kids)

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  14. Annie

    I’ve always said that people should be licensed to have kids.

    My ex-sister-in-law always used this threatening technique, even making my dad the bad guy when her oldest brat wouldn’t eat at a family dinner. The cretin wanted to eat garbage from Mickey D’s. I told her off.

    Despite, or because, she’d been a mom since she was 16, she was still a clueless dumbass.


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