Thank you for your Facebook post about your recent visit to Chili’s. I am so sorry you had a less than perfect time while dining at your local Chili’s.
We have certainly missed having you come in and I have been wondering where you were ever since your last visit in May of 2004. If I remember correctly, you were here to celebrate your son’s high school graduation, right? Those were the days, weren’t they, Becky? When your son was still a hopeful young man with a bright future ahead of him rather than the washed up drug-dealing drifter that he is now? And when the mozzarella sticks only cost $4.99 and you were still just a size 18? Ahh, those really were the days, weren’t they?
You see, Becky, times change and so do prices. Back in 2004, maybe the prices were a little but lower and sure, maybe we cared a little but more, but it’s 2014 now and we no longer give a shit. Actually, we ran out of fucks to give in about 2008 or 2009. If you wanted some delicious steak fajitas, why would you go to to Chili’s in the first place? Isn’t there some legitimate Mexican restaurant in your area that uses fresh ingredients instead of guacamole that comes out of bag that arrives to us frozen? Our “steak” is actually called Beeef!®. It is 10% top-grade beef with 40% medium-grade beef parts, 45% fillers, 4% man-made materials and 1% other. Quite frankly, I’m surprised you only thought “IT WAS TERRIBLE!!!!” In my experience, I have always found our steak fajitas to be “FUCKING DISGUSTING!!!!”
Things have certainly changed in the ten years since you have dragged your sorry ass to the fucking Chili’s, haven’t they, Becky? I am sorry to hear that we have lost you as a customer because your once a decade visit to our restaurant was really the only thing that kept us going, both economically and emotionally. It’s customers like you that we depend on. We have thousands of people who come to eat in our restaurant on a weekly basis, but it’s the ones who come once every ten years that we really will miss having. Ordinarily, this would be the point where I offer you a gift card so that you can come back and we will attempt to win you over by giving you a free order of Jumbo Soft Pretzels or Skillet Peanut Butter Cookie, but since you have already told us that we have lost you as a customer, I won’t bother. I will accept that we won’t see you again in 2024 and that’s a real shame, Becky. We had big plans for your 2024 visit. Big plans, indeed. I won’t tell you everything we were thinking of doing on the off chance that you may change your mind in the next ten years and be willing to give us one more chance. Let’s just say that your 2024 visit involved balloons, high school reunions and a Molten Chocolate Cake jacuzzi. (Darn it, I fear I’ve said too much!)
Thank you for taking the time to express your feelings on our Facebook page. As you can see with this letter, we take each and every complaint to heart because at Chili’s we strive for mediocrity. In all honesty, in 2004, we were striving for excellence. By 2024, we will probably be striving for relevance. Please accept my most sincere apology for not living up to your standards. I would say we will try harder, but that would be a lie. Good luck with your other dining options.
The Guy in Charge of the Chili’s Facebook Page
p.s. Here is a screenshot of Becky’s post because I’m pretty sure that her original comment that is embedded above will soon be deleted…