Hey everybody, it’s Doreen the Pasta Queen! Bitchy Waiter has asked me again to write because Olive Garden has popped up in the news and he considers me the expert on all things Olive Garden. I don’t know why he keeps asking me to write for him, but I’m happy to do it. Let’s be honest; Bitchy Waiter has been a little lacking in the posts lately, so if he needs me to help him out, I’m more than happy to do it.
First, off, only nine days until the Never-Ending Pasta Pass, otherwise known as “49 Days of Heaven,” begins and I have shared my countdown clock with you so you can all bookmark it and count the seconds with me.
So OG is in the news because some fancy-schmancy shareholder of the company wrote a 294 page report on how they think things can be better at Olive Garden and I have one thing to say: whatever! I didn’t read all 294 pages of the report because quite honestly, I have been trying to catch up on my Netflix viewing before Gilmore Girls is released. The main points that I feel should be responded to are the ones below:
- “Too many breadsticks.” Ummm, no. There is no such thing as “too many breadsticks.” This guy is saying that they use 700 million breadsticks a years and that too many of them go to waste. Hello, it’s called “unlimited breadsticks” for a reason. He also suggests that they change the recipe. This would be the most awful thing ever to happen in America. They are perfect the way they are and if I want to ask for more, I will. And if I want to put a few in my purse, I will do that too, because those breadsticks are even better the next day if you wrap them in a damp paper towel and put them in the microwave for about ten seconds. One time, I took twenty home with me and I made an Olive Garden Bread (stick) Pudding with them. It was delicious and my cat really seemed to enjoy it very much. This report is suggesting that each customer gets only one breadstick and then one extra for the table. What are we supposed to do, share that last breadstick? It’s ridiculous. They say they will bring us more when we ask for them, but unlimited means that I don’t have to ask! The waitress should supply me with an endless amount of breadsticks and I eat as many as I want. I AM PAYING FOR THEM! If I choose to not eat them that is my prerogative.
- “The pasta is over-cooked and needs salt.” Their pasta is perfect. I hate when someone tries to convince me that pasta al dente is the way it should be served. I don’t speak Italian, but “al dente” must mean “raw” because that’s what it tastes like. It’s chewy and awful and I like my pasta just the way OG serves it: soft and mushy so that it gets stuck in my teeth and I can eat it with a straw. Serving undercooked pasta is just as bad as serving a Pop Tart without it going into the toaster first: RAW!
- “The to-go containers are too expensive.” That is one of my favorite things about getting my all-you-can-eat pasta to go. I know that it will be in that gorgeous container that is dishwasher safe and I can reuse it. I have a whole set of it at home and whenever I get too much, I just put some of it on Craigslist and I’m always able to sell it. They are so fancy and nice. I would be very sad if they started using regular Styrofoam. Who do they think they are, some low-class restaurant like Friendly’s? Yes, those containers might cost a lot for the company, but we the customers are spending a lot on the food and deserve those heavy duty containers. If they change them, I will just have to start using my own Tupperware.
- “Too much salad dressing.” The report says that servers are bring too much dressing because they are too lazy to possibly make a second trip. While, I disagree that there is too much dressing on the salad, I do agree that the servers are lazy. Personally, I like a lot of salad dressing on my salad because it helps to disguise the taste of the lettuce and vegetables. I only eat the salad because I know it’s good for me, but I have never had to ask for seconds on it. I have found that one small bowl of salad nicely balances the three or four bowls of pasta and the unlimited breadsticks. If they are concerned about the cost of too much dressing, maybe they should pay their servers less and save money that way. The customer should not lose out on Ranch.
I want to say thank you to all of my fans out there and to Bitchy Waiter for letting me do his job for him on this blog. I have already asked him if he will let me write about my first day at Olive Garden when I use my Pasta Pass. He told me that he will probably let me, but he is still thinking about it. I also want to let you know that I have really listened to your comments about not tipping the waitress when I use my Pasta Pass. I still do not understand why I should pay her when all she is doing is bringing me three or four bowls of pasta, unlimited breadsticks, one small salad and few Diet Cokes. I already paid $100 for my Pasta Pass and I feel like I have spent a lot of money for them to have the privilege of me eating there. However, I have decided to leave two dollars each time I go. Thank you for teaching me that I was wrong.